and maybe that’s MY problem, not yours
and maybe this is a bad way
to start a poem
so forgive me
but the thing is, people keep trying to tell me
that this is the hard part
and I have been through so much
haven’t I gone through enough?
and I am beginning to think
that well, maybe I DON’T deserve it
and maybe bad things
are MEANT to happen to me
and how do I explain that
to the average person?
how do I explain
what I am going through
how do I explain
the way I feel
how do I explain it
II
I mean, I know I am a writer,
so explaining this all
should not be so hard
but it is
Describe the color blue to a blind man
and see how you are at a loss for words
How do you explain this all
with quick wit and a shark tongue?
III
so the key here for me
is that sometimes good things can happen
when you least expect it
and instead of my griping about it
or feeling sorry for myself
maybe I should just be happy with it
IV
and when people tell me
that the sky looks REALLY blue today
I just think,
well, that is called SCIENCE,
the sky is always blue
and that answer
that comment
is that supposed to make me feel better?
V
and maybe when people tell me
that every cloud has a silver lining
well, maybe I should enjoy the silver lining
every once in a while
and when people complain
that the grass is always greener on the other side
well, maybe at times like those
i should learn to like the view from this side
because at least I get to see the green grass
well, it’s just a theory
cause maybe this ride ain’t so bad
and maybe this SIDE ain’t so bad
and maybe there is a chance
for that other side for me
and maybe i’ve had a taste
of all that good stuff
and you know, it occurred to me
that the good stuff ain’t all that after all
and that maybe there is someone
out there like me
and that maybe someone cares about me
and maybe someone respects me
and thinks I’m intelligent
and beautiful
maybe
VI
a couple of days ago
john gave me some roses
an even half dozen, something that
didn’t even need to be wrapped by the florist
well, that’s just my thought
on the matter
but john had an answer for me
he told me that he gave me five roses
for the five days he had known me
and the sixth one
well, was just for me
because I deserved it
and those were the words he used
and that is what he said to me
and I have received flowers
from other men before
and for all of this it was different
because he said those words to me
because he thought of me
and that was almost worth more
than the flowers
maybe
VII
and yeah, I could go on and on and on
about the fact that he is taller than me
I can wear high heels in front of him
and I won’t dwarf him
and when he holds me it feels like
I’m actually being held
and not that I’m about to break
the man I’m hugging into two pieces
and maybe he was a marine
and can hold his own
and maybe he has travelled
all over the place
and seen different things
and had different chances
and yeah, maybe he carries all my stuff
around in my apartment
because it might be too heavy for me
and yeah, I could get angry at that
I could think that I can carry this myself
that I’m not a
poor
helpless
girl
and that I don’t need
no
man
VIII
but for now
for now I’m stuck in this happy mode
remembering what it’s like
where the grass is greener
and enjoying in that silver lining
and well, being happy that
I can almost touch that green grass now
‘cause I’m sick of hearing
about the four-leaf clovers
and the rainbows
and the pots of gold
and all that other crap
that is supposed to make you happy
IX
and maybe I am just happy that
someone gave me attention
and gives me attention
and that that someone cares about me
I got that attention from someone
who thought I was worth it
from someone I thought was worth it
and when you finally get to this point,
when you think no one else can
understand this feeling
and all the references to growing grass
an bubbles and sunsets
don’t quite cut it
well, when you get to feel
this way
the way I feel
well,
how do you explain it
Scars Publications and Design
in conjunction with Penny Dreadful Press
first edition
copyright @ 2004 Scars Publications and Design
This book, as a whole, is fiction, and no correlation should be made between events in the book and events in real life. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping, or by any information storage or retrieval system, without the permission in writing from the publisher.
Information about past books is available upon request through Scars Publications and Design. Materials from the literary magazines “Children, Churches and Daddies” and “Down in the Dirt” are available on line at http://scars.tv, as are .mp3 files, .ra files, .aif files, .au files, .wav files .mov and mpeg files of Kuypers, both reading her work and singing with three sets of musicians.
Oeuvre is published through Scars Publications and Design, whose publisher is a member/minister through the Universal Life Church. Scars Publications and Design, the logo and associated graphics @ 1979 - 2004. All rights reserved. Kuypers and Scars Publications and Design welcome your comments, tips, compliments or complaints. Direct all comments and suggestions to the e-mail addresses listed above.
The definition of oeuvre (the works of a writer, painter, or the like, taken as a whole) is from the Websters Unabridged 2001 Dictionary.
Editor@scars.tv
http://scars.tv
and assistance from Freedom & Strength Foundation, Troy Press, Hawthorne Press & Dried Roses Press
printed in the United States of America
writings @ 1979-2004 Janet Kuypers
book design @ 1998-2004 Scars Publications and Design