contents under pressurea book of poetry and prose by Janet Kuypers |
This book was originally released in 1997. This original printing sold out (however, if you are desperate for the original volume, you could contact Janet Kuypers about purchasing one of her personal copies). But Scars Publications released this volume in a second printing - which now has a larger page size (6" x 9", versus the original 5.5" x 8.5"), and now has a full bleed color cover (the fabric background works really well for the background of this second printing cover).
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best friend
“I had a best friend once,”
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find myself
I had my own ring
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finest feeling
Drench me
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gasoline
The stench of gasoline
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How could I not love you
In hysterics, we danced as we
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i knew i had to
I knew I had to.
As I opened the door
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i see the scene
Every once in a while
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ice cubes
I wondered if you’d have the patience
as you sat next to me I’m sorry
Did I give you too many ice cubes
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irony
The wretched irony becomes apparent.
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like daggers
I can’t think of anything else.
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love poem
You are the air I breathe.
I want you here tonight.
I can’t wait for the time
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make me
You know,
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masquerade
You asked me to the masquerade
When you seethe price they pay
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my
my eyes
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naivity
The naivity is over.
You threw around the words
But this isn’t a game,
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nights
If I have to -
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pocket knife
I saw you there
You know,
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pushed aside
No,
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put it to rest
please put it to rest
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ragged fucking bastard
ragged fucking bastard
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religion
“We do expect you to marry someone
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rendering me
the heat
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sobering
I must admit
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sometimes the light
Sometime the understanding
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the hammer falls
I wake to
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the hand
the Hand
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the nightmare
The chain lock snapped
the bespattered remains
I only wanted to surprise you
I never like that carpet anyway.
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the tears
the tears
the tears
the tears
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they tried
they tried to hold me down
they tried to change me
they tried to make me beg
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touch
the lust
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a man calls a woman
every time a man calls a woman a “bitch”
every time a man calls a woman a “babe”
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a socially accepted target
rape is connected
rape is anger Men and Politics Group, East Bay Men’s Center, Statement on Rape
i didn’t get the promotion i deserved
this traffic is always in my way i’m angry all the time
and the damn kids are banging i just want a fucking beer, you bitch
it’s all your fault
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a woman talking about her rapist friend
He was my friend, and we had been
but he mixed drinks exceptionally well
always spoke the truth to me. It’s amazing
he wore a turtleneck that perfectly
he put up with my mood swings, with my
how hard it had to be for me, being the
care about women, never gave their opinions
maybe he knew that and that’s why he
drifted, we didn’t see each other much,
Then one day, out of the blue, he comes
that when he was in the parking garage
you raped my girlfriend. And then he looked
I raped her. And I know he wanted sym-
And he said, I know this has to be hard for
A part of me wanted to hate him. A part of
what he did. And a part of me thought that
I tried to be there for him. I wasn’t much
to lose touch with him. But it’s just that a
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athena
ladies and gentlemen
high above the lion tamers
is our main attraction
see her gracefully step
would you like to see her
Athena will put on the
imagine, if you will, the fear
come, see her perform:
this is
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in their homes or in the streets
some women are raped
some women are raped
and some women are raped you’ll never understand
have you ever felt
to whether you looked at people
have you ever felt
that a stare could haunt you
or your skirt was too short
or if you ate a banana
have you felt it
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middle-class husbands and fathers
rapists are not peculiar, abnormal men many are white middle-class husbands and fathers Bob Lamm, 1976
rapists are not all convicted prisoners
rapists are in your office
they come in all shapes and sizes
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most accurate metaphors
rape is one of the most savage
it is a political crime
rape is an attempt by men Bob Lamm, 1976
now there’s two ways
you know you want this
i saw the way you were
did you think those drinks
how long did you think
just do as i say
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Sexism In General
As I grew up I did what I thought was expected of me. I didn’t bring up unmentionable subjects to my parents. I didn’t burp out loud. I didn’t complain. And I didn’t know why. This essay was originally the introduction to the book “(woman.)”.
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the measuring scale
Here’s an addition for your Pam, via the internet
why don’t you dissect me,
if we’re talking about
god, i don’t even know how to
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the men at the construction site
a woman told me
no one bothered her,
then, later in the day,
and that’s when she got
and you tell me it’s not deliberate
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Women Without Men
Women struggle with this every day.
So this is what I’m struggling with. How to even explain what the feeling is like to be a woman, expect to be attached to a man, to half the world. Trust me, they think you’re crazy.
So then what? So then they’re abused. Physically beaten by a brutal mate. Or mentally abused, told they’re worthless, that they’ll never get any better.
Okay, I know I seem to be going on a lot of tangents here, but all of these things relate to each other. The point of this essay is that just as it’s silly and hard to imagine a man would HAVE to ride the coat tails of someone else in order to achieve anything in life, so should be the same for women. Women can succeed on their own, whether or not they happen to be in a relationship with a man or not.
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women’s very existence
rape is neither a sex crime
rape is not an isolated brutal crime
rape is often premeditated
it is an attack by men Bob Lamm, 1976
i still have to take showers a lot. i mean,
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A Letter to our Political Leaders
After watching a few of our elections, I noticed that politicians were trying to warm up to the twenty-something crowd. It’s a wise decision: we’re a strong group of intelligent, new voters. And, as a rule, we’re dissatisfied with the United States’ current political system. It’s a chance for either party to take a hold of a growing and promising voter group and insure additional votes in future elections.
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Balancing the Budget
If we are going to try to balance the budget, the key isn’t in doing it by taxing everyone until the debt is gone. The key is accepting more responsibilities as citizens, and not expecting the government to make things easier on us.
The government is also bogged down with providing for those who originally can’t - and now won’t - provide for themselves. The productivity generated by a free economy has produced a great many things, for all of the people in this country and others. It has raised the standard of living for all. Considering the standards people lived at two hundred years ago, considering the number of religious wars that killed so many over the thousands of years of human history, considering the hundreds and hundreds of years the world lived in moral and economic darkness with other political systems, it is evident what people owning their own work can do for productivity, creativity and progress.
The government is even bogged down with controlling and subsidizing many aspects of our lives.
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Boomers Beware |
Diversity, Political Correctness, and CreativityAre we looking for Diversity or Political Correctness?
Okay, let’s get the basics down first. I’m white. Big strike against me, from a world-culture perspective, because I must be an oppressor. But I’m a writer, which probably isn’t hurdling me into the upper class, and I’m a woman, which has it’s own set of relatively heavy baggage to carry around. Working Too Hard to be Politically Correct
I was working with a group of writers touring the nation this winter. In choosing who should be part of this tour, we had decided upon myself and four men - all white. And then some of the other members of the group started asking - is this group not diverse enough? We’re all straight - maybe we need gay and lesbian representation. There’s only one woman so far - do we need more? Should we be looking for African Americans to fill out this group? Crossing Over into Another Culture
Primarily, I attend opens mikes on the north side, such as Joy Blue, Lilly’s, Estelle’s, Red Lion, even sometimes Weeds. Once I was invited to attend the afro-centric Lit X’s Saturday night open mike. I noticed a few things: Using your Diversity to Your Creative Advantage
As I said, I’m a writer, and I’m female, but I never thought of myself as a “female writer.” But I’m sure that men listen to my work and think of me as a “female writer,” even if that decision is based solely on my own writing. I write about rape and domestic violence. I write about flirting with men. I write about being a woman.
Yes, you write about what you know. But you can learn more about what you think you know as well as what you don’t know, just by listening to the stories other people in the Chicago poetry scene have to say. The voices are out there, voices on how they think they’re perceived, and about how they perceive the world.
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DNA Versus Emotion
As technology moves forward, there always seems to be people who wish to contradict science and push it backward.
DNA testing is is nearly infallible if done properly. Only human error, such as mishandling materials, would cause DNA testing to come into question.
People try to balance science and mysticism, or faith, every day. Scientists shed more and more light each day on the creation of man and this planet, but religion denies it, for instance. Once I had a conversation with a religious woman, and she stated that dinosaurs never existed and that “science was the tool of the devil.” Another religious woman told me that she sinned once and got pregnant while out of wedlock, but God saved her by giving her a miscarriage.
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Do People Want Justice, or Just a Good Hanging?
Periodically I see efforts by the government to take away our rights, and I feel I have to speak out about them. However, when I see efforts by people in this country, individual citizens, to take away our basic rights, I have to scream out my dissent.
USA Today voiced two responses to Farrel’s commentary days later.
Scot Ebisch of New Jersey says that the Bible says, “Live by the sword, die by the sword,” and “An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.” These are, however, doctrines from Judaism, not Christianity - in the New Testament, Jesus asks his followers to reject these tenets and “Turn the other cheek.” Whatever religion (or lack thereof) one may subscribe to in this country, America’s laws more closely reflect Christianity than Judaism. I know that a criminal loses some of their rights when they commit a crime. But I also know that the most basic individual right - the right to one’s own life - it not something to be taken away so easily.
I could also point out that with our current appeals process statistics show that it costs six times as much money to kill a prisoner than to keep him in prison for life, even if they are never rehabilitated. And if prisons serve their jobs, prisoners suffer more by living their days in a cell instead of receiving an injection and passing away. So why are people so determined to kill the killers? If Timothy Mcveigh had no right to choose who should live and who should die, why does anyone else in this country?
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Get The Government Out Of Broadcasting
I would like to commend NBC’s stand on keeping the government out of regulating the broadcast industry.
I applaud the fact the NBC was willing to distance themselves from appeasing the first group loud enough to be heard, when it may not be in NBC’s best interest to do so. More importantly, I applaud the fact the NBC was willing to distance themselves from government regulation, and that they were willing to state that that is exactly what they were doing.
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Let the Government Tell You When You’re Ready?
I have been hearing reports that a few counties are interested in putting waiting periods on obtaining marriage licenses unless the couples go through premarital counseling. Divorce rates are high, these people claim, and it is our responsibility as the people who allow marriages to make sure couples know what they’re getting into. These defenders claim that divorces cause social stress as well as economic stress, and it is their responsibility to try to correct the problem.
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The Illness of Volunteerism
When I opened up my copy of USA Toady this morning (April 22, 1997) I saw a chart as the illustration for the lead story. The chart stated, “Volunteerism: How Strong is the Drive?” and then asked the question, “If your place of work gave its employees the chance to take paid time off of work to do community volunteer work, how likely are you to take the time off?”
The article went on, stating that there were philosophical questions with wide-scale, imposed volunteerism:
“Volunteerism is one of the great glories in America,” states Will Marshall of the Progressive Party Institute. No it isn’t. It’s a great glory to communism, where people are supposed to make sure everyone is equal and not be able to advance with their achievements, therefore giving them no incentive to achieve. It’s a great glory to Christianity, because you’re not supposed to rise above everybody else, you’re supposed to not like the things to earn. “The meek shall inherit the earth.” No, it’s individual rights, and the right to own your accomplishments and achievements that is one of the great glories of America, and that directly opposes volunteerism. The right to produce and create and succeed is the American way - and it developed this country into the greatest country in the world. But for years now, we’ve been told that we need to help others. Since we’ve heard that cry, our country has been slipping. Companies may be interested in participating in volunteering programs because it bolsters their image in their community, providing business. Or it may give the employees a feeling that their company cares about others, which may reduce the turnover rate. Or it may be a tax write-off. Either way, the only reasons a business should - in order to be an efficient business - explore volunteerism, is in order to help their own business out somehow. The CEO of Home Depot, Bernie Marcus, said, “We don’t do it (volunteerism) because it increases our business.” Well, then, your business isn’t running as efficiently as it should be. Where are the costs of volunteerism going? Probably the prices of the goods and services the company sells. When you don’t see a return on an investment, the loss has to be eaten up somewhere. In 1993 Maryland Lt. Governor Kathleen Kennedy Townsend “pushed through a controversial requirement that all her state’s public high school students must do 75 hours of community service before they graduate,” the article goes on to say. What does that teach students? That the government has the right to tell people how to spend their time, that the government can tell people what to do, that the government can force people to do things, whether or not they want to do it? Does it teach students that volunteerism isn’t actually volunteer work, but a required activity? Does it teach them their achievements don’t matter, that other people matter more then they do? A “requirement” to do “community service” is not volunteering.
At the end of the article, there was another chart with the results of a survey. It asked people, “Who should take the lead role in meeting the following goals (providing medical care for the poor, caring for the elderly, reducing homelessness, reducing hunger, helping illiterate adults learn to read, providing job training for youth): the government, through programs and funding, or individuals and businesses, through donations and volunteer work?”
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The Wrath of Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s Day is here again, and like most unattached women in the United States, I’m filled with a vague sense of panic, fear and dread. What was meant to be a holiday to express your love for the one you care about has now become (a) a contest between coworkers for who can get the best flower arrangement delivered to their office, (b) a month-long guilt session from one half of an unsatisfied couple to the other, using the holiday as an excuse to vent their anger for being in a loveless relationship, (c) one more occasion for single men to skirt the constant badgering for a commitment (they already have birthdays and Christmas to contend with, this holiday makes winter pure Hell), or (d) a day-long seminar on depression where women sit at home alone, over-eating, watching must-see-TV, wondering if they will ever find someone to love and honor and cherish them and save them from the horrible fate of becoming the dreaded “old maid.” The Battle of the Sexes
What do women think of when they think of love? Commitment, finding a soul mate, having someone romantically sweep them off their feet. What do men think of when they think of love? Being tied down, finally giving in, getting the old ball-and-chain, or else something to fake to get sex. Speaking of sex, women generically think of sex as the greatest connection between two people, something sacred, while men jokingly refer to the act with analogies to power tools or sporting games (see the cover, which is from the art series, “What Sex With Women is Called”). The Definition of Love: Altruism Versus Respect
Love, by a dictionary’s definition, is rooted in three different ways: from kinship or personal ties, from sexual attraction or from admiration or common interests. Images of Romance in an Unromantic World
Even to those in a happy relationship, Valentine’s Day has lost some of its appeal. If you’re in a happy relationship, you don’t need an occasion to celebrate it. And flowers and candy are hardly good symbols for true admiration and respect - real love. Who needs us as consumers to spend the money on these items anyway, other than businessmen?
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Welcome to Corporate America |
What Are Flexible Ethics?What Are Flexible Ethics? The Lutheran Brotherhood compiled the following statistics: Nearly two-thirds of all adults believe ethics “vary by situation” or that there is no “unchanging ethical standard or right and wrong.” Nearly eighty percent of all adults from age 18 to 34 believe ethics vary by situation, but even forty-eight percent of all adults aged 65 and up believe ethics vary by situation. Never did a majority of adults believe that there is one standard for every situation.
Now, I needed to look up the word “ethics” to make sure I wasn’t getting confused with my terms. According to Merriam Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary (Tenth Edition), “ethic” has the following meanings:
Consider it from a religious standpoint. In Catholicism, for instance, you should not have sex before marriage, or commit adultery. Religious leaders may forgive an individual if they have sinned, their god may forgive them if they repent, but in Christianity is it wrong to have sex before marriage or commit adultery. But there are Catholics who break both of these promises they have made with their religion - with their philosophy. And although the adulterers may ask forgiveness, there are Catholics who claim to be Catholics but still have no problem with having sex before marriage (as long as you don’t get caught, I suppose). But what this means is that these Catholics have claimed one philosophy and followed another. If they really believed in their Catholic ethics, they would not want to break them. It’s that simple.
Consider, as another example, the fourth definition of “ethic.” What if the principles of moral conduct for a group that you were in weren’t consistent, what if they changed from situation to situation? What if one week it supported you as a member of the group because you got a job at a good business, for being good at what you do, and the next week they were condemning you because a black person should have had the job instead of you? What if one week the group supports your skill in creating a new product to improve people’s lives, the next week they are telling you that your time is better spent feeding people who don’ t work for themselves? What if one week the group said they should support life and wouldn’t let a woman in the group get an abortion, and the next week it decided it should reject life and kill your brother, who was falsely accused of murder and is in prison? What if one week the group said the government should lower taxes, and the next week it proclaims that it’s the government’s responsibility to help the poor, with more of your tax dollars?
Why do people, knowing these inconsistencies, living as if there are no absolutes, why do people continue to live this way?
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“Type A” PersonI was in my friend’s car once, and she was driving through the streets of Chicago, and she was letting people in who were getting in the right lane at an intersection when that right lane really should only be used for turning right but they go straight and try to cut off the long line of traffic waiting at the light. Well, as I said, she’s letting these people get in front of her, and she’s stopping at four-way stop intersections and waving other cars to go in front of her, and when she is going she’s going under the speed limit, and I’m thinking, my god, she’s under thirty years old and she’s driving like she’s twice her age and I want to tell her to get going because damnit, I don’t want to die in this car, I’ve got a lot of living to do, I’ve never jumped out of an airplane or made a million dollars or been in a lustful affair with a high-ranking political candidate, and if I am going to go out I surely don’t want to die of boredom while someone else is staying in the most congested lane of traffic when they could just as easily get into the next lane and cut everyone off in front of them when they eventually have to merge, like I would most certainly do. And then it occurred to me, and of course it filled me with a complete and utter sense of elation, because I just love being pigeon-holed into stereotypical psychological categories: I really am a Type A person. There’s an intersection near my house where from one direction you can either go straight or turn right, and there are two streets that merge into this one, both turning right, so the middle street has a “no turn on red” sign. And usually when I’m on this road I’m on the street that’s going straight, the left-most street, and these two streets are on my right, merging into my street. And I always catch the red light on this street, it’s like the traffic gods are displeased with my constant efforts to circumvent their wrath, so I’m always catching the red light at this street, so I’ve learned a new trick: I turn right, onto the first street on my right, but instead of doing a U-turn I turn left at the next block so I can get on that second street, all so I can turn right onto the street I was on originally before both of the other streets get to go so I can beat every one of those slow bastards to the next intersection. I mean, yes, I’m the one that’s yelling and banging the steering wheel of my car when people on the road are idiots. Yes, I’m that person who has to race so that I can slam on my brakes at that next intersection, only 100 feet away, and yes, I am only driving a Saturn SL1, a sedan with about as much power as a 1982 Ford Mustang, but damnit, I won’t go down without a fight, I will be out there cutting everyone off, weaving in and out of traffic; I will be the one getting there before you, trust me, I will. And even when I’m tuning the radio while driving, because, you see, I do that and put on my make-up and take notes for work and check over my schedule and if I was the Hindu god Vishnu and had ten arms I’d get a cel phone and send out faxes and eat dinner and write a novel while I was at it, but, as I said, even when I’m tuning the radio while I’m driving I only let the first second-and-a-half of the song play before I’m disgusted and change the dial to the next pre-programmed station, just to instantaneously become disgusted another six times and have to find a tape to play because all those stupid corporate pieces of shit think they should play crap over and over again in order to keep the mindless tuned in. Well, not me, thank you very much, I don’t have the patience for that. So, needless to say, I’ve discovered that this is a problem of mine, I wish there was some sort of therapy group for this so I could go to my weekly “Type A Anonymous” meetings, but we’d probably all be pushing each other out of the doorway thirty seconds before the meeting is supposed to start, saying, “Get out of my way ass-hole, you should have thought about being late before you tried to cut me off,” and the meetings themselves would probably be filled with people yelling, “Hey, jerk, I think I was talking, what, do you think you’re god or something, show some respect.” God, and I know this is a problem of mine, I know this “Type A-ness” transcends into every realm of my life. When I get on the elevator in the morning to get to my office on the eighteenth floor, I try to make the doors close as quickly as possible so no one can get on the elevator with me, because you know, I really do hate all people and surely don’t want to be in a cramped confined space with a bunch of strangers. But when people do get on the same elevator as me, they invariably press the buttons for floors fifteen, sixteen and seventeen, and I start pursing my lips, stopping myself from saying, “Oh, you people couldn’t stand to walk a flight of stairs, you just had to press all of these buttons and stop me from getting to my god-damned floor in a reasonable amount of time.” Even walking on the sidewalk in the city, I always get stuck behind someone that’s a full foot shorter than me and a full thirty pounds heavier, someone who labors to walk very, very slowly, someone who actually sways rhythmically when they walk, like a metronome, or like a person standing on the edge of a dance floor, rocking back and forth, back and forth all too afraid to actually ask someone to dance, or else afraid to go out and dance and make a fool of themselves in front of the cool people who have figured out what rhythm really is. And I’m walking behind this person, almost tripping over myself because this walking pace is just unnaturally slow, so to pass the time until there’s an opening on the left side of the sidewalk so I can pass them and walk like a human being again I start to mimic them, swaying with my walk, more for my own entertainment than anyone else’s. Yes, more than a human being I’m a human doing, and I hate having to depend on the schedules of others in order to get ahead of them all. Yes, I am the person in line at the grocery store with three items, shifting my weight from foot to foot, frantically scanning the other lines, the person who wants to ask the person in front of them, “can’t I get in front of you, I’ve only got three items and you have two full grocery carts full of crap like Cheetos, Pepsi, fish sticks and Haagen Daz Cookie Dough ice cream.” Yes, I am the person who has four different sets of plans for any given evening because if any one event gets too boring I can pick up and say, “Oh, sorry, I’m supposed to be at a meeting by now,” instead of having to tell them that they’re too boring or that I just have no idea whatsoever of how to relax. Yes, I am the person who coasts toward an intersection when I know the timed pattern of the traffic lights, and know that I can manage to get to this intersection without ever having to make a complete stop so when that light does change I can accelerate faster than everyone else, pass everyone by, and have the open road to myself, wide open in front of me.
I’m already guessing that at my funeral, when the long procession of cars is creeping toward the cemetery, I’ll be opening that casket up and whispering to the driver of the hearse, “hey, what do you say we floor it and blow everyone off in line? We could probably grab a beer at the corner bar and still be able to beat everyone to the grave site,” because, as I said, I’m a “Type A” person, and I’m going to make damn sure I do as much living as I possibly can, I’m not going down without a fight, and wherever that god-damned goal line is, I swear, I’ll beat everyone to it.
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prom ‘97... or doing things right My mother just gave me a bunch of her cocktail and formal dresses that she wore when she was young. Floor length dresses, usually with some beadwork, all really spectacular, unique formal dresses, and I thought, wow, these are really great, I’d love to wear these dresses, and then I thought, wait, I have nowhere to wear these dresses, and then I thought, wait, no one I know of would have any place to wear these dresses, these are dresses that look like they should be worn to award ceremonies in southern California and there’s nothing like that going on around here in Chicago and if there was, I’m sure I couldn’t afford to go to it. So then the thought struck me, like a sequin that caught the light and glared into my eye from the shoulder of a floor-length one-shoulder satin dress with matching stole: I could have a formal party. Host it in my living room. Decorate the whole place. Well, then, since it was mid-May and and I couldn’t get a limo rented for a friend’s birthday because they were being used by a bunch of sleazy seventeen-year-olds wasting their parents’ money, it occurred to me that ten years ago this year I went to my own prom, and then the vision struck me with even more clarity. I was to have a prom party. Prom ‘97, it was, I had to decorate and make it prom, except more fun, because we’re older now and probably have a better idea of how to actually have fun. So, where to start, where to start. Needed streamers, hanging down from door frame to floor in every door way. Needed lighting... Got my white christmas lights out from storage in the basement and strung lights all around my living room and dining room, on the tables, on the walls. Needed balloons, so I got 75 large silver balloons, blew them all up and let them cover the floor. Bought a crystal punch bowl, made a punch that would force people to eventually have fun, got a ton of food for the buffet, sprinkled glitter and streamers and confetti all over the place, even got a disco ball. Needed to make favors, remember at formal dances you’d get little booklets with the name of the prom and the location and the theme song and the class president? Well, had to make those, and they should match the invitations, and come to think of it, there’s usually a photographer with a backdrop in the corner of the dance floor so you could get your portrait taken... Hmmm... I’d have to borrow the grey portrait backdrop my sister made by painting over one of those maps they have in elementary schools, that roll down over the chalkboard like a projection screen and put it in one of the bedrooms so my friends could have their portrait taken. And my friend Brian was even coming into town for this party, because in high school nine years ago I asked him to prom and he turned me down and we’ve always sworn that if we could do it over again, we’d go together. So I thought I’d surprise him, and since I sing I got my four-track recorder out and taped my voice over a slow George Michael song, kissing a fool, because we were both dorks in high school and both loved George Michael, and anyway, I sang over this song and was going to have us dance to it together. So people start showing up for my party, and I’m playing big band and swing music, Frank Sinatra, Tony Bennett, Harry Connick Jr., The Glenn Miller Orchestra, because you see, I have taste now and wouldn’t play the kind of crap you’d hear at say, your prom or a wedding, like “When a Man Loves a Woman” by Michael Bolton or “At This Moment” by Billy Vera and the Beaters or “Truly” by Lionel Ritchie or Mariah Carey or Whitney Houston or Natalie Cole without her dead dad’s voice in the background. And people are complimenting me on my punch, that it tastes really good, but I don’t dare tell them that it’s absolut vodka and absolute citron and rum and banana liqueur and a little whiskey and some left over red wine from my last party, all with a splash of orange juice and Ne-Hi fruit punch soda. And Scott is already starting to spill his drink on the floor and bump into people and it’s only like eight o’clock so I’m thinking, this is going to be a good party. And then Helen comes in with Steve, her fiancee, and she’s got a new eyebrow ring, and I say, wow, did that hurt, and she said no, it hurt more to look in the mirror and see this big metal circle piercing through the flesh above my eyebrow, but no, when I got it done it didn’t hurt at all. And minutes later I hear my roommate talking to her, saying that there’s a theory among psychologists and such that if someone gets into multiple piercings or piercings in unconventional places or tattoos, that’s a sign that they were abused when they were a child. So my roommate is asking Helen, “So, were you abused as a child?”, and I try to cut in to halt this social faux pas, and Helen responds with “No, not really.” So I think, okay, I need to know what that means, so I ask, “What do you mean, not really?” and she answers, “Well, my parents were Columbian and I went to a Catholic school. It’s a wonder I’m not a serial killer.” And I think, okay, maybe Helen’s fiancee won’t try to start a fight with my roommate after all, maybe things are actually going to be okay. And more people start showing up, Rachel strolls in wearing her old prom dress, and her and her friend made wrist corsages out of broccoli and spinach leaves. And Dave shows up, that sweet thing, with corsages that match a few of my dresses for me, and I decide to change into dress number two, I mean, there are only so many occasions where I’d have the chance to wear more than one formal dress to a function, I might as well take advantage of it, and everyone seems to be having a grand ol’ time, and we start taking pictures and then I decide that Brian, the prom date that never was, should dance with me. So I turn off all the Christmas lights so that all that’s going is the disco ball and I play this goofy George Michael song and start dancing with Brian, and he’s laughing hysterically that I remembered that he liked George Michael all those years ago and that I actually sung over this song, and we’re dancing together, and then the says, “Oh, wait a minute. If this is supposed to be prom, I better act like I did at prom,” and then he pushed me away and acted all stiff and started doing the box step and stepping on my feet, and it just made me laugh harder and harder. And then I decided I needed to have everyone vote for a king and queen of prom, so everyone whispered in my ear who they thought should win, and I picked two women and two men so it wouldn’t be such an elitist thing, and one of the kings won only because he got nearly as many votes for queen as he did for king. So when I tallied it all up in my very drunk head, all while wearing dress number four, I picked up the Burger King crowns I picked up last week just for this occasion and crowned the winners, and told everyone we should all dance. So by the end of the evening we changed the music in the stereo so we were listening to the Bee Gees and Abba and Duran Duran and old early eighties crap that we could just thrash around to, and we were singing to all the songs and jumping around, and it was two in the morning, but we didn’t care, because we were all at prom and having a perfectly good time.
And I thought about Brian dancing the box step and stepping on my feet, acting all stiff and scared because the high school prom was a time for awkwardness and uncomfortableness, and I thought, yeah, we really are more comfortable now. Everyone should have a prom when they’re old enough to enjoy it.
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Open Forum, 1997
JASON: We wouldn’t like dogs nearly as much if they didn’t coincidentally look like they’re smiling when their mouths are open.
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A dream about murder.
I had a dream last night, it was different from my usual dreams, usually I dream about stuff that seems pretty real, somewhat mundane and at most usually frustrating. But I don’t know if it was the wine I had at the Thanksgiving feast at Rachel’s down the block, or if I heard some strange story on television earlier, but I dreamt about murder.
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All These Reminders
Look, over here, in my living room.
Why did you have to go. Why
Okay, look here, the remote for the
Why did you do this to me. Why
There’s still some of your messages
When you left me, why did you
|
an outline to the apex of rites of passage
It was one of those rites of passage. A Bah
But like every rite of passage, the high school prom
With every aspect of prom, there was always a
Then you have to start working on the details.
Then, beg your parents to let you wear the dress you
Then the Big Day arrives. Ditch school, because you
Then finally arrive at Prom. Take more pictures.
Then eat. Try to figure out how to eat your salad
Then the dancing. Try to remember what your father
Then collect your things, say your good-byes, take a few
Then, get in the house as quietly as possible, drop all your
|
And I’m Wondering
I’m wondering if there’s something
And I’m wondering if you’re sensing what I’m
And I’m wondering if it could work out this
And I’m wondering if you’d find
And I’m wondering why you had to tell me
And I’m wondering why I felt the need
And I’m wondering if a year or two from now,
if you saw me making macaroni and cheese
eyes and I’m wearing an oversized button-down
When I glance up and catch your eyes from
|
And what I want to know
I’ve been dreaming of you lately.
In my dreams you’re always with me.
And what I want to know is
And what I want to know is
I daydream about you in the mornings why do I have to get out of this bed.
And what I want to know is
And what I want to know is
I know what I would say.
And what I want to know is
And what I want to know is
|
Andrew Hettinger
I never really liked you. You never revealed
I never really liked you. I met you through
I never really liked you. You never revealed
They told me the patch was from eye surgery
I heard these stories and I thought it was sad.
The house you lived in was littered with
I never really liked you. You would come home
I never really liked you. Every time you talked
This is how I thought of you. A man who was
I received a letter recently, a letter from
station; instead of leaving this town you
And I was asked to be the messenger to my
I never really liked you. No one did. But when
I never really liked you. But now I can’t get
My friend still doesn’t know where your grave is.
I never really liked you, but maybe we could get
|
Barbie
My sister-in-law gave me a Midge doll set
But Midge, an older model, had short red hair
For my sixth birthday I received a P.J. doll,
When I finally got you, Barbie, I treated you like
I took plastic kitchen shelf liner and caulking glue
My father’s pool table was your lake; a second
But I couldn’t be like you, I had to eat, and I could only
What did you teach me? I pressed you next to Ken
And now, all grown up, I visit my parent’s house,
I could give these toys to my niece, so she could play,
|
bizarre sexual stories in the news
from the los angeles times:
|
Bring Her Back
I’ve seen her this way
and so many times
but this time, this time
my little way of telling her
|
Burn It In
Once I was at a beach
I too have my recorders.
Every year, at the end of the year
When I first went to college
When I looked around me, and saw friends
What did you think I was doing
and I had a lot of work to do.
Did you think your crimes would go unpunished? you want to know why I do the things I do
I had to record these things
I need to record these things
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Catching a Muscovy
One year, Doc Wiggins
As far as ducks go, the
Florida, in this heavily pop-
Well, one year, bless his heart,
use my rifle and we went to a
else?” So he was in a bit of a
a Muscovy walked right up to him
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civil war
I
II
|
climbing trees.(written with D.J.)
I
II
III
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communicationI
now that we have the information superhighway
our pleas become computer blips
to be left for someone to decipher II
got into work the other day
so i first returned tom’s phone call
realizing i didn’t actually get a hold of anybody III
sara and i were late for carol’s wedding rehearsal IV
I was out at a bar with Dave, and I was explaining to him
and then it occurred to me, how difficult it had become
and then it occurred to me, no matter how many different V
now that we have the information superhighway
but what if we don’t want to communicate
what if we forget VI
i wanted to purchase tickets for a concert
so i turned it on, dialed the number,
and the line was busy VII
i checked my email address book recently, VIII
i was suntanning outside on my patio
and the phone needed to be recharged,
while waiting for the pizza man IX i got a program for my computer
it’s a phone book program,
and i love this program, i’ve created a file
but it always seems any computer IX
i wanted to get in touch
you see, i could search the internet for hours X
now that we have the information superhighway
but then the question begs itself:
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contempt for man
Often, the interests of production
In these cases,
THE ECOLOGICAL CRISIS: A COMMON RESPONSIBILITY,
the interests of production
and economic interests are for the good
if a corporate giant destroys the environment
if these individuals don’t place
well, then, they are the ones
|
Couldn’t Take it Home
I went out deer hunting once with some buddies
|
Diane Talking About her Trip to Mexico City
So I decided to take a trip to Mexico City.
So I went there, and really, it wasn’t as
But the man that ran the hotel thought it
And then as I was touring I went to an old
And then as I was touring I went to a
This is how things were, I guess. And they
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down the drain
i hear the water running
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eating.(written with D.J.)
I can feel it gliding down my throat with a huge push of water
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Ecstacy
He threw her up against the wall. Her mind was spinning; after all this time she never thought she’d have her arms around him again, save the embrace when they happened to be in the same city on business and were saying their cordial good-byes at the airport. He kissed her. She instinctively pulled at his shirt; two buttons bounced repeatedly on the hardwood floor and spun to a silent halt. He pulled her hair, pulling her head back. Her mouth opened naturally, slightly. She wrapped her arms around him, depending on his strength to keep her standing. He held her tighter, kissed her, knowing she needed this. Her emotions swelled, grew stronger, pulsed, until she couldn’t hold herself up any longer. She knew, after all these years, that he was the only one she could love wholly, the only one she loved everything about, from the slope of his nose to the way he never knew current events to the way he worked too hard to the way he loved too much. She knew this was everything. She knew this was life. She fell into his arms. |
emergency room stories
As we sat in the car, trying to waste
one of us remembered a story about
room. he was wearing a raincoat
a poodle with his member. Now, that
to think of other sexually perverse
men coming in with dead hampsters inside
when they’re alive, because the hampsters
asphyxiated seems to do it for some men.
itself: how do you get the carcasses out?
So we talked about other stories, like
stuck in obvious places, then one of us
the emergency room once with a dildo
that he claimed to have fallen on it.
had a raw hot dog stuck inside her, and
a woman have to be in order to use some-
said, maybe it was frozen. then someone
your tongue to something frozen and
|
False Suicide
“A woman called the station once, fire alarms
we were driving through
up a winding road
and along the road
and we looked at each other
because there are no fire
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fulfill their deepest vocation
Necessary emphasis should be placed also on
For in giving themselves to others each day
Letter to Women, Message of His Holiness
of course, according to your religion women
of course, god was created in man’s image
|
Gary’s Blind Date
A friend of mine had a roommate named Gary
So on one particular occasion,
Now, he said, this girl
And Friday came, and Gary,
And my friend said, now I don’t want to hear
So Gary got ready for his blind date
“Oh, you must be Gary, please,
Once Gary got into the house,
and Gary, still not feeling well,
Gary walked into the brand-new bathroom.
Gary sat down on this new ivory throne,
But he couldn’t leave the underwear and flushed.
Which caused the toilet to overflow,
So here was Gary’s dilemma: What are his options, what are his options.
So he did the only thing he thought
When he arrived at his apartment
And after that, he never
|
gift of motherhoodpart one
We need only think of how the gift of motherhood
Letter to Women, Message of His Holiness
“he started in on me again last night,
|
gift of motherhoodpart two
We need only think of how the gift of motherhood
Letter to Women, Message of His Holiness
“so i was sitting in on a meeting with the
|
Golfing with George Eastman
I played a round of golf with
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here is me
i have a secret
you see, my life
everyone thinks
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hiding vices”The way I see it
the Bible is so popular
in which it is possible John Leroy Coffin, Springfield MO, 1997
i met a man once
now, i knew better
but i knew he had
and so i asked him
and he said,
and so i checked
and i wondered
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how are you
The phone rang. Woke me up. I picked up the phone, stumbled out a hello. “Hi, it’s Sara.” Oh, hi, Sara, how are you? “Oh, fine,” she said. “How are things with you?” Oh, fine, I said, work’s been busy. “Oh, I know,” she said, “I was the maid of honor in Carol’s wedding, and tacked on to work I’ve been swamped.” Speaking of work, I said, I’m late. “Oh, okay,” she said, “talk to you later.” Good-bye. “Bye.”
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I never took a life until I took my ownthree poems
I
I never took a life
because you see, I
And how can you really
Everyone loved me
How does she have
No one understood
And if they understood
and how do you explain
II
I never took a life
I never had the power
They scratched my name
But it’s funny how
III
I never took a life
I never wanted
I never had the courage but I guess I have
I never wanted to
and this one thing
The line “I never took a life until I took my own” was a title of a poem by Ray Young.
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i’m thinking about myself too much
all of my life it
|
in the projectsI saw a woman in the projects, by the apartments you were looking at. I was driving toward the lake, stuck at the intersection in traffic, and she walked across the street, in front of my car. She was wearing a blackjacket, falling off of one shoulder. She was wearing a black and white striped shirt. She was carrying a clear plastic cup in her left hand, like the kind you get in a bar. It was filled a quarter of the way with beer. And she walked across the street, holding her beer at the end of her straight left arm, and the sleeve of her jacket almost covered her hand. And her eyes darted back and forth, as if she knew she wasn’t supposed to have open alcohol in public but she’d do it anyway, not caring for the law, but still being cautious. And I thought: I’ve done that before. We both have things we’re running from. What makes her, in the projects, living off the government, any different from me, in the ugly new houses, living off someone else’s ideals.
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issues
you think i’m going to come
|
Japanese Televisionas reported in the New York Times:
one new television show in Japan
another television show in Japan
I wonder what they’d think
|
joe putz-a-vucki
my mother told me
well he called the house one night
she told ed “my husband is out
and ed stuttered, tried to make an excuse
later he told my father
your stuttering voice, silly
and by the way
ed told my father
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Knew All Along
So my friend Joe owned this bar, and Joe
|
Knowing Kevorkian
Oh, I knew Kevorkian
what I remember about
and he’d get a gin martini
I never thought he had
|
Kurt Irons |
Lambs to Heaven’s Gate
They tell you the meek shall inherit the earth.
People will believe anything if you
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Lessons from the Simpsons
I will not bribe principal Skinner.
I will not prescribe medication.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not sell land in Florida.
I will not call my teacher “Hot Cakes.”
A burp is not an answer.
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
At the beginning of each episode of “The Simpsons,”
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loggers
i was wondering when nature’s rights were
because, I mean, I care about the environment and all
but I was in a car with an environmentalist once
were largely destroyed in the early nineteen hundreds
said to me, “kill the loggers”
he said he didn’t, but he did, and I wonder if he realizes
i wonder if the loggers would agree with him
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losing my best friend.(written with D.J.)
our yard was a small size
I’ve never been able to face death;
My father thought it was best,
I was playing at my neighbor’s
That was my dog.
|
Love Has Tendrils
love has tendrils escaped the pull
never strong enough
i keep searching
to choke me
until I rise yet again
|
loved you the most
I heard last week that you died.
Of course I didn’t hear it from your family.
I went to your funeral today. I wore a veil
I knew I could never have you in my life.
|
make people think
I don’t want to draw
|
marilyn monroe’s sex life
some people would have
Personally, I don’t think
most men would have done
I wasn’t even looking for sex
I had the fame
why would I want one man why am I resented for that
so I start seeing my ex again
you know, most men
why couldn’t that happen with me
am I really that famous
I have rejected some of them why do they think I want anyone
I know I brought this
I thought I could make the men
and it seems that my bags are getting
the bags are getting heavier
|
more than we should have
actually, i never think of him as drinking
but someone reminded me tonight
and then i thought of
and as we left
we paid more than we should have
|
more whiskey sours
i need more
|
never did the same
we’ve put each other through hell, i know
|
new to chicago
I’m still new to this city
but when I walk by the First Chicago building
when I walk by the First Chicago building and look up along the curve, stretching up towards the sky
you know, these pillars look like race tracks
I see the seed, the power, and it
and every time I walk by the First Chicago building
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odd how things turn out that way.
husband-beaten wife
she shot an officer
the cop wore a bullet-
ricocheted off a bone
|
on the california streets
we were walking along Santa Monica Boulevard
and I thought, of course he won’t get it
|
oriental
Years ago Chinese women
The smaller the foot
It was normal Of crippling herself But the mother knew better
The girl would never find
At least
handcuffs
The tears falling land
a pattern
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Pioneer
It amazes me
and that the second definition of pioneer To pioneer is to open or prepare for others to follow
You said you all were pioneers.
Yes, pioneers, you were all so brave.
How can you start anew
Yes, pioneers, you were all so brave.
What were you a pioneer of?
When slaves were bought and sold To pioneer is to open or prepare for others to follow
To you, your daddy was a pioneer
I know we’ve all felt that feeling before
be the fearful little girl
And I know each and every one of us
And you would run, and run, and run
You were too young to create something new
And after running through those endless fields
When I was little I would save up all my change
And I would sneak over to the local ice cream parlor,
And did you sneak off to the general store
Was this your freedom, was this your rebellion? To pioneer is to open or prepare for others to follow
Was this what made you a pioneer?
|
pop a pill
take with meals
|
probably not
there were peanuts in the ashtray
there weren’t supposed to be peanuts in the ashtray
probably not
|
rantingI dont like to watch movies. Since when did America decide that people need to escape so desperately? Yes, switch off the brain for a few hours because work is such a bitch, trying endlessly to find a infinite number of ways to make it look like youre actually working when actually youre screwing off, so you need to unwind with pictures and sound but not actual interaction or dare I say activity, unwind with pictures and sound of an overly-muscular leading man decorated with ammo belts blowing away a faceless enemy, because we all want to actually kill, dont we?, and this is just a way to live out our sick little fantasies, so we watch this leading man decorated with ammo belts blowing away a faceless enemy, punctuating the scene with a less-than-witty one-liner. Oh, sorry. Was I ranting?
|
run faster
why me
I beg for attention
so I keep giving you
but I’m not a damsel
because even though I hate you
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russians at a garage sale
at our annual garage sale this year
they were from the russian neighborhood
they would pick up an iron. “how much?”
it was a warm indian summer day
they would point at the iron, a toaster,
and all the old couples wore raincoats
they would pick up a wine glass. “how much?”
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salamander
when the tail comes off of a salamander
and at twelve, we were amazed
and wanted to catch
so we could pull off its tail
and i find it amazing and wonderful
that our quest for knowledge
|
Scars 1997
I wear my scars like badges.
I have a scar over my left knee.
I have a scar on my right shin.
I have a circular scar on my left calf,
My cat scratched me on my wrist once
I tell people that if they wake up
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see you crawl
come on, boy
|
self-destructive
i’ve been self-destructive before
maybe i should go back
why would it matter
|
service of others
Mary called herself
Putting herself at God’s service
Letter to Women, Message of His Holiness
coffee, tea, or milk
|
shame on me
you are stubborn, moody,
and i keep thinking that
but i still tried, i wanted
and i’ve tried, i’ve worked
but once again
fool me once and shame on me
|
She Was a Woman
She was a woman who thought too much.
She was a woman who was strong.
She was a woman who would walk into a coworker’s office,
She was a woman who worked twelve-hour days.
She was a woman who believed in nothing but herself.
She was a woman who picked flowers
She was a woman who belched out loud.
She was a woman who would turn up the stereo
She was a woman who read philosophy.
She was a woman who would jump on hotel beds
She was a woman who hated how she looked.
She was a woman who never played drinking games,
She was a woman who showed off her legs.
She was a woman who wrote letters to the editor.
She was a woman who wrote poetry.
She was a woman who worked on eight different projects
She was a woman who never asked for help.
She was a woman who was always trying.
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shopping.(written with D.J.)
Grocery shopping. Clothes shopping. Car shopping. Casket shopping.
So you have your friends you bought
|
sorry flowers
i bet you think a box of candy is
i love “apology candy” as much as i
office but then i tell them that they
flowers if it meant that you two
|
statue
i think of statues of greek gods
and i’ve had no inspiration
and i’ve succeeded
and now i look around
and i just want to see that statue
but i’ve been working so hard so long
|
Take The Pain
When I’m laying down in the sun
Do you understand this struggle, do you do this
You know, when I struggle like this under the light There’s a fine line between pleasure and pain
When I’m laying down in the sun
|
Thank you, women who work I
Thank you, women who work
Letter to Women, Message of His Holiness
Thank you, women who work
Thank you, women who work
Thank you, women who work
Thank you, women who work
ladies
|
Thank you, women who work II
Thank you, women who work
Letter to Women, Message of His Holiness
Thank you, women who work
Thank you, women who work
Thank you, women who work
Thank you, women who work
|
the bathroom at the Green Mill
you know, I’m so used to
and I sat down, and I started to read
and I started to think that I’d actually
and then I put my lipstick on in the
|
The Deep End
love seems so appealing and jump in
but none of them stay under too long
|
The Last Time
The last time I remember shooting an
a chipmunk moving around off in the
raccoons near our house, the chipmunks
So I pulled out my rifle, aimed at that
My son, no more than twelve or thirteen
through the yard. And he just stood there.
me and asked, “Why?” And I had no answer.
|
the one at mardi gras
i was at mardi gras last weekend
and a friend of mine had a balcony
of people stretched for over a mile. it was
the men expected women to get naked
flash pops, coupled with a roar from the
to strip for drunk strangers, when i knew
out their arms, looking up inquisitively, as
and had plenty of my own beads, i decided
when they looked up at me for something,
ones that are supposed to be stripping, but
crazy and walk away, or they would shrug,
make a gesture to turn around, as if to ask,
around, with their pants and their underwear
so over the course of the evening i
that there was this society, this micro-
prostitution-for-plastic-beads form of
everyone else, wearing grey and minding
disgustedly leaving or willingly obliging
what? you naughty, naughty girl.” and he
massive crowd that thinks they way i do.
there are about nine or ten million people, and
blindly do what i asked, but at the same time
to think that he was stunning, by far the best-
confident, but then again, i’m near-sighted
and neither would i, so his attention was
from under my balcony, and every once in a while
this is no way to start a relationship, hell,
but he’s damn near perfect. and all that time we
make sure i was still there. and finally he
finger to make him wait and then i threw
up with my taunting and still not giving in,
of self-worth, the sheer love of life, the the things warren says
I know about this guy,
he went to the hospital
he was okay, but they
it was all mangled, and
|
The Way You Tease Me
What I think I like the most about you
What I think I like the most about you
What I think I like the most about you
What I think I like the most about you
What I think I like the most about you
What I think I like the most about you
|
they see independently
Perhaps more than men, women acknowledge
Letter to Women, Message of His Holiness
do they see independently from reason, too?
|
this halloween
this halloween i got a costume together
it was strange for me
and every time i was left alone at a bar i gave them a fake name, a fake number
and looking back, what made the difference
and it’s not that i’d do it again
|
this is my dilemma
should I go to you
should I just
who cares
I’m used to this
forgetting the feelings
do it to me,
go ahead
I’ve felt it before
and no emotion is new
so should I
|
too much light
too much light makes the baby go blind rush into the flame and die in a final glorious blaze of glory
and I have seen the light what is my choice:
burn in the flame
|
Two Minutes With Ayn Rand
I don’t believe in things that aren’t proven,
when someone asked me what I’d say
and if I could talk to you
But I know I’d have to tell you
I would have been still searching blindly
and it’s nice to know
and the fact that they exist
but you knew that Because I’m still looking.
You’ve created these heroes
Yes, thank you
so maybe, if those who posed
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warren stories
i heard this story about this fat woman
and didn’t notice when it lodged itself
when she felt a sharp pain, and the doctors
her up and found the pork chop, and realized
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Watching My Father Die
my father had cancer
after six years of pampering
to last. Not that we wanted
talking about? but then
I just saw him in so much
these two weeks, one night I
pain go away. And the next
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watching you eat a donut(with Lance)
How do I approach this? I remember the lines:
I prefer nothing because there’s
But there’s always so much to read
I look at the world and see nothing
I run my fingers along the table, caressing
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Water on the Street
George Eastman
Now, from a distance,
but people were only allowed
So when I saw the water
and
Well, I didn’t even mention the
And
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ways to spend your money
I spent a week in Los Angeles recently
but the one thing I noticed
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What do we say
What do we tell our youth
What does it say of us
What does it say of our self-esteem
What does it say of our media
Dear
What rights do we really take away I hope you’re not suffering too much
Richard Speck, convicted of killing
When a member of society commits a crime in theory
One man in prison filed a lawsuit
What do we say to all of this
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where I belong
well, I have found
so thank you
I’m in a haze
and thank you
I smell the mace
yes, thank you
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who you tell your dreams to
we were driving down the freeway
and you saw something that you thought
and your girlfriend, riding in the middle
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Why do you
Why do you make us wait for you to come back?
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why i’ll never get married
at work we’ve been looking
and some were good
and they said they wanted
and they said they couldn’t work
and that’s when i knew
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you and me and your girlfriendwe went out for drinks together you and me and your girlfriend to a restaurant in Malibu with a balcony that hung over the water
had a perfectly lovely time
and I thought that would be charming
we stood outside, leaned on the rail
but now it was not about catching up
for nearly an hour, and I said,
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you are
you’re pretty as a picture you are like a brilliant light
you have pearly white teeth
you have a heart of gold you’re postcard pretty
you’re as meek as a lamb
you have a steel will
you’re drunk as a sailor
you’re like a broken heart
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you feel more
it’s like this:
and when you feel
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