Children, Churches and Daddies

editorial janet kuypers Here's some food for thought - the following is a list of different ways women put forth an effort to make themselves look beautiful. Ask yourself the following questions: (1) how many of these activities are psyically painful, (2) how much money do all of these activities and products cost, and (3) how many more can you name... long hair: hair brushes, hair dryers, hot rollers, curling irons, crimping irons, flat irons, perms, hair coloring, hair clips, barrettes, banana clips, rubber bands, hair spray, hair gel, hair mousse, shampoo, conditioner, hot oil conditioning treatments eyebrows: tweezing, waxing, shaving, electrolysis moustache: tweezing, waxing, shaving, electrolysis things used to wash and clean the face: soap, astringent, toner, moisturizing creme, wrinkle treatments things used to cover up the face: makeup, foundation, touch-up stick, powder, rouge, lipstick, lip liner, eye shadow (up to four shades), eye liner, eye brow pencil, mascara, eyelash curler, eyelash brush, eyebrow brush things women do to their own fingernails: growing fingernails, pushing back cuticles, applying cremes, lotions, painting and manicuring nails things women do to fake having fingernails: apply fake fingernails, press-on plastic nails, powder-and-chemical sculpted nails, gel and ultra-violet light hardened nails treatment for the toe nails: painting them and giving them a pedicure, as well as pushing back the cuticles perfume: applied at neck, at wrists, at backs of elbows, at knees, at ankles other cremes, lotions and assorted chemicals used on the body: underarm deodorant feminine deodorant tanning creme body lotion hand creme elbow and knee lotions foot cremes other painful procedures used on the body: shaving hair on the legs shaving hair at the bikini line, via a razor, via hot wax, via electrolysis, via tweezers, via rotating coils suntanning jewelry: earrings, clip on, pierced (putting holes in your ears and hanging metal from them), necklaces, bracelets, rings, watches, ankle bracelets, toe rings painful items of clothing: brassieres, decorative panties, corsets, teddies, slips, short or tight-fitting dresses, tight-fitting tops, sleeveless tops, strapless tops, tight-fitting pants, tight-fitting shorts, tight-fitting skirts, short shorts, short skirts, cinched belts, garter belts, garters, panty hose, heels, pumps, shoes with pointed toes Geez, I didn't think the list would be so long. Is there anything else to add to the list? I'm sure there's plenty, but I forgot to ask you to think about one more question: why do women do all of these things? news you can use Burlington Company Joins PETA's "Caring Consumer" Campaign Seventh Generation Signs "Cruelty-Free" Pledge Burlington, Vt. - Seventh Generation, Inc., national distributor of household and personal care products, has signed People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals' (PETA's) "Statement of Assurance," pledging that the company will not test its products on animals. Thanks to consumer pressure, almost 600 companies have stopped using the circa 1920s animal tests that involve poisoning, force-feeding, inhalation, and painful eye and skin tests on rats, rabbits, and guinea pigs. Thousands of "known-safe" ingredients are already approved by the Food and Drug Administration, and other reliable, more sophisticated, non-animal tests are now readily available. Seventh Generation, Inc., joins more than 550 companies, including Revlon, Tom's of Maine, and Maybelline, that have banned animal tests and are listed in PETA's annual cruelty-free shopping guide. "We're delighted that Seventh Generation is committed to making animal-friendly products," says PETA's Miyun Park. "By joining our Caring Consumer Campaign, Seventh Generation has shown that compassion is good business." From People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. "Babies" In Diapers Protest Bizarre Animal Tests Protest Kicks Off National Campaign Against Kimberly-Clark Corporation Roswell, GA - Carrying a banner that reads, "Stop Killing Animals for Huggies," diaper-clad members of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) will protest Kimberly-Clark Corporation's bizarre diaper dermatitis experiments on mice at the Kimberly-Clark Annual Shareholders Meeting, Kimberly-Clark's Roswell Operations Headquarters, 1400 Holcomb Bridge Rd., on Thursday, April 18, at 10 a.m. In the experiment, pads soaked with human feces and urine are taped to the shaved backs of mice. After several days, experimenters kill the mice and cut off the skin beneath the pads to look for rashes or skin damage. Consumer products like diapers do not require animal tests for approval by the Food and Drug Administration. Not only is a mouse's skin physiologically different from a human baby's, but numerous clinical studies of children with diaper dermatitis have already been conducted. "This study is not only inhumane, but also repetitive, wasteful, and unnecessary," says PETA's Stefania Ascoli. "Kimberly-Clark should cut the crap and end the experiments on mice." PETA's demonstration begins a nationwide campaign to permanently end Kimberly-Clark's diaper dermatitis experiments on animals. Kimberly-Clark manufactures Huggies diapers and baby wipes, Pull-Ups disposable training pants, and Kleenex facial tissues. From People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. X-Rays Can Detect Domestic Violence CHICAGO, Nov 28 (Reuter) - Doctors should watch their patients for signs of domestic violence and seek help from radiologists to document injuries, a researcher said. "Domestic or family violence is a public health problem that has reached epidemic proportions,'' Dr William James Vanarthos, a professor at the University of Kentucky Medical Centre in Lexington, said in a report released at the annual meeting of the Radiological Society of North America. An act of domestic violence occurs every 18 seconds in the United States and at least 1,000 children die every year from abuse, Vanarthos said. Violence against the elderly is also increasing, he added. He said primary care or emergency room doctors should consult with radiologists - specialists in X-rays and other imaging procedures - on such cases. "Physicians must become involved because a medical encounter may provide the only opportunity to stop the cycle of violence before more severe injuries can occur.'' Radiologists can alert other doctors to the possibility of abuse, can confirm the diagnosis of primary care doctors and can ensure the correct X-rays and images are ordered, he said. news you can use Animal Activists Flock To Poultry Convention Giant "Chicken" Spreads Vegetarian Message Birmingham, Ala. - On Friday, June 7, a giant "chicken" and a baby "chick," and members of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) and Alabama Network for Animals will protest the opening of the Alabama Poultry and Egg Convention with two events: ´ Greeting rush-hour commuters, the "chicken" will unfurl a giant banner that reads, "Chickens: Tortured, Crippled and Killed-Go Vegetarian," over Route 59 at the 36th Street N. overpass, facing southbound traffic, from 7:30 to 8:30 a.m. ´ Behind a banner that reads, "Don't Be a Fowl Mouth-Chicken Out!" the "chicken" will lead animal activists in a face-off with poultry-trade bigwigs outside the Alabama Poultry and Egg Convention, at the Sheraton Hotel, 2101 Civic Center Blvd., at 12 noon. Chickens and turkeys on factory farms endure debeaking and declawing without anesthesia. To increase profits, turkey and chicken factory farmers commonly use genetic manipulation and growth hormones, which often cripple the birds; disease, smothering, and heart attacks are also common. Each year, an estimated 1,680 people die from salmonella poisoning, which originates in egg hatcheries, broiler houses, and dairy farms. "One in three supermarket birds is contaminated with salmonella and other diseases, and chicken and turkey are loaded with fat and cholesterol," says PETA's Violet Kelly. "The only way to ensure your family's safety and health is to throw all the flesh foods out. Go vegetarian!" From People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Police Sieze Cannibis in Chile Sauce VALLETTA, Malta (Reuter) - Police in Malta said they had seized 7.5 tons of cannabis concealed in a shipment of chili sauce on its way from Singapore to Romania. Police commissioner George Grech said the cannabis was found packed in 500 boxes hidden behind chilli sauce in a container that arrived at Malta Freeport. The container was on its way to Romania via the former Yugoslavia from Singapore and was the biggest drugs haul in Malta, police said. No street value was given for the cannabis. Women React to Drugs Differently After Pregnancy LONDON, Oct 19 (Reuter) - Pregnancy could cause life-long changes in the biochemistry of women's bodies that affect how they metabolise drugs, doctors said in a report. Even a mild stimulant like caffeine affects women who have never been pregnant differently than it affects men and those women who have been pregnant, the researchers said. The discovery was made by mistake during chemical tests on the effects of an enzyme that breaks down caffeine in volunteers, many of whom were women who had been pregnant. The women who had never been pregnant broke down caffeine only 70 percent as quickly as the others. ``What was a surprise is finding that after pregnancy, enzyme activity rebounds to levels higher than for women who have never been pregnant,'' said Neil Caporaso, an epidemiologist at the U.S. National Cancer Institute. Caporaso told New Scientist magazine that women who continued to drink caffeine during pregnancy would ``suddenly find themselves wired'' by doses that had never affected them so strongly before. Counseling Women in Assertiveness Means Safer Sex CHICAGO, Oct 24 (Reuter) - Disadvantaged women who are at higher risk of contracting the AIDS virus are much more likely to use condoms consistently if exposed to a wide-ranging sexual counseling program, researchers said. The study by researchers from the University of Alabama, Birmingham, revealed that women of child-bearing age responded much more positively to health educators who are their peers who explained sexual situations and provided assertiveness training. One hundred black women aged 18 to 29 from San Francisco were selected and divided into three groups. Two of the three groups received risk reduction strategies for sexually transmitted diseases such as AIDS. But one group was given four additional two-hour counselling sessions that emphasised sexual assertiveness, communication skills and sexual self-control. In follow-up interviews, they were twice as likely to demonstrate consistent condom use. "The social-skills intervention addressed how to successfully negotiate safer sex ... within the context of a heterosexual relationship where women are often in unequal positions of power relative to men,'' study author Ralph DiClemente wrote in the Journal of the American Medical Association. "Animals" Protest Circus At Elementary Schools Children Asked to Boycott Ringling Bros. New Haven, Conn. - Holding signs reading, "Circus: No Fun for Animals," a "bear" and an "elephant" will greeted students. The "animals" were protesting attempts by Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus to deceive children through free passes to performances and the use of "educational materials" promoting the circus. When not performing, animals in the circus travel almost nonstop, up to 12,000 miles a year. Animals are kept in chains when not performing, and when they outlive their "usefulness," they are often sold by circuses to exotic game farms to be shot for a fee, or they languish in cramped cages at roadside zoos for the remainder of their lives. Food and water deprivation and beatings are not uncommon training methods. Even big top bigwig Henry Ringling North notes in his book Circus Kings, "All sorts of barbarities are used to force [animals] to respect their trainer. They work from fear." "Circuses teach children that animals exist to balance on balls and jump through rings of fire," says PETA's Davey Shephard. "If kids knew that animals are whipped, chained, and beaten and ripped from their natural environment, homes, and families, they would not want to attend animal circuses." The show goes on at many circuses without animal acts. Cirque du Soleil, the Pickle Family Circus, and Circus Oz have all opted for acts featuring willing, paid human performers, such as skilled acrobats, tightrope walkers, jugglers, clowns, sword-swallowers, and contortionists. Broadcast-quality footage of animal abuse in the circus is available. From People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Judge says firing gays in military unconstitutional SAN FRANCISCO (Reuter) - A U.S. District Court judge ruled that firing homosexuals who openly state their sexual preference is a violation of the Constitution's guarantees of equal protection and free speech. The ruling was a blow to the military's "don't ask/don't tell" policy of discharging openly gay service members. The case, filed under both federal and state law, was the first challenge to the policy filed in the western United States and the first ruling on the matter in California. Lt. Andrew Holmes brought the case against the California Army National Guard after writing a letter to his commanding officer saying: "As a matter of conscience, honesty and pride, I am compelled to inform you that I am gay." Holmes was then discharged. In her ruling Friday, District Court judge Saundra Brown Armstrong ordered the National Guard to reinstate Holmes. "This is not the end of the battle - it is only the beginning," said Holmes, who has worked as a technical writer since his discharge in 1993. "And, it isn't about me alone, but about tens of thousands of gay and lesbian service members who have served their country with courage and distinction, yet whom the government would willingly toss out because of its collective homophobia." Yeltsin Pinched Women in Front of T.V. Cameras MOSCOW (Reuter) - Russian President Boris Yeltsin, ignoring the world's television cameras, shocked two women secretaries by pinching their backs as he prepared for a news conference. He was filmed as he tweaked them between the shoulder blades in a seemingly-casual gesture that marked yet another public indiscretion by the burly Russian leader. Yeltsin's display of political incorrectness came amid the gilt splendour of a state chamber at a briefing for U.S. and Russian reporters ahead of a visit to France and the United States. The first woman, sitting dressed in a brown patterned blouse, jumped with surprise as Yeltsin pinched her on the back as he passed by. The second sat still as she was pinched, before turning and staring back at Yeltsin. Her comment was inaudible. Yeltsin said ``Hello'' as he pinched the two women and went on to his seat. The Russian president, whose aides later professed to know nothing of the incident, has a history of shocking the public and embarrassing his hosts. A presidential spokesman, asked about Thursday's twin tweaking, said:'' Nobody here at the moment saw it, so we do not know what happened.'' Kremlin officials have frequently had to fend off accusations that he has had one or two drinks too many. He himself has denied any alcohol problems, widely reported by both Russian and world news media. Activist Blasts Clinton's Same-Sex Decision NEW YORK, (Reuter) - A gay-rights activist called President Clinton's decision to sign proposed legislation banning official status for homosexual marriages a move solely for short-term political gain. "I think it was an unconscienable position for him to take," said David Mixner, who advised the president in 1992, on the CBS program "Face The Nation." "Historically he has opposed same-sex union, but to legislate and take away the rights of a large number of Americans was poor judgment on his part. He jumped ahead of the pack for political reasons, he responded to the bait put out there by the right wing," Mixner said. Clinton is in a tough spot on the issue because gays strongly supported him in his 1992 election but most Americans oppose officially sanctioned gay marriages. The president has defended his decision and said his record on gay rights was second to none. The White House said Wednesday that Clinton, a Democrat, would sign a Republican-authored bill to ban same-sex marriages if it reaches his desk as currently written. The announcement provoked angry reactions from gay rights advocates who called it an attempt to appease conservative voters as well as unnecessary since Congress has barely begun hearings on the proposal. Family Research Council spokesman Gary Bauer said Clinton merely has taken away "another issue in an effort to get re-elected." "I find it astonishing that in 1996, on a Sunday morning, we have to actually debate the question of whether marriage is a man and a woman or whether it's two men or two women," Bauer said on the program. Clinton has also accused Republicans of using the issue as a divisive election-year ploy and said he was determined "to stop this election from degenerating into an attempt to pit one group of Americans against another." A bill Republicans introduced in Congress this month would protect states from being forced to recognize same-sex marriages because of a pending court case in Hawaii that may result in that state legally acknowledging such unions. Under the Constitution, the other 49 states would have to accept those marriages as legal and valid. "I think (the administration) was looking at the polls, but this goes to the heart of everybody's civil liberties," Mixner said. "It deals with property rights, insurance rights, immigration rights, bereavement rights ... and to deny us equal opportunity really makes us second class citizens." Gays Ejected from Club Win Lawsuit By Leslie Gevirtz BOSTON, (Reuter) - The Massachusetts anti-discrimination watchdog agency has ordered a former nightclub owner to pay a gay man and two lesbians $10,000 each for emotional distress suffered when they were tossed out of the club six years ago. The case comes on the heels of last month's Supreme Court ruling striking down an amendment to Colorado's constitution that would have prohibited anti-discrimination laws from including protections for lesbians and gays. The landmark rule held the U.S. Constitution's equal protection clause prohibits government actions based on anti-gay prejudice. The Massachusetts Commission Against Discrimination (MCAD) said the award was the first in the state involving anti-gay discrimination in a public accommodation. "These rulings show that non-discrimination laws have vitality in the 1990s. Both stand for people being treated equally and eliminating any double standards,'' said Mary Bonauto, the attorney with Gay and Lesbian Advocates & Defenders who represented the three in the Massachusetts case. "We're saying that if you open your business to the public, then you must serve the public,'' said MCAD Commissioner Charles Walker, who wrote the decision. He said the $10,000 payment per person was for emotional distress. "This is a dollar figure based upon the assault of their dignity as human beings.'' Richard Cresswell of Scituate, Mass., Kelly McSorley of Boston and Jacqueline Stoll of New York City, were among a dozen gay men and lesbians at the Stocks and Bonds Restaurant and Bar in 1990. The Boston nightclub closed two years later. During the evening, as the group danced and "demonstrated physical affection for each other in a similar manner to the opposite-gender couples,'' other patrons "gawked,'' snickered'' and "mocked them,'' Walker wrote. None of the security personnel intervened. When Cresswell and his partner, Jamie Pierce kissed, a police officer on paid private detail grabbed Cresswell by the neck, lifted him off the floor and pushed him out the door. Then other bouncers tossed both McSorley and Stoll, who suffered back injuries, from the club, according to the decision. Walker said club owner George Varoudakis, who failed to appear at any MCAD hearings and could not be reached for comment Thursday, is responsible for paying the damages. "It's been an awful long time in coming, but it definitely was worth the wait,'' Cresswell, a carpenter and musician, said of the decision. "There is a feeling of vindication.'' "Chris P. Carrot" Tours The West Coast Controversial Vegetarian Mascot Reaches Out to Children Washington, DC - With a basket of buttons that read, "Eat Your Veggies, Not Your Friends," Chris P. Carrot, PETA's 7-foot-tall vegetarian mascot, will greet students at West Coast schools this December, promoting veggie fare and exposing the health hazards and animal cruelty inherent in beef. Chris P. Carrot was banned from giving presentations to students during previous tours in the South, Midwest, Texas, Germany, and the UK. After banning Chris P. Carrot from giving a presentation to students on vegetarianism inside the schools, a school official at Ethel I. Baker Elementary stated, "I'm not comfortable with it," and Sacramento City Schools officials concurred, saying, "This [material] cannot be distributed in any of our schools." After banning Chris P. Carrot from giving a presentation to students on vegetarianism inside the schools, a school official at Willow Glen Elementary stated, "It's not appropriate for the children," while school officials at Alamo Elementary would not give an explicit reason for barring the vegetable. In the vegetable's international travels, One Hundred Twelfth Street Elementary is one of the few schools to accept him on campus. One Hundred Twelfth Street Elementary students will be released from class ten minutes early, so that they may visit with the dancing vegetable on campus grounds. Banned from speaking to children inside El Rodeo Elementary, Chris P. Carrot will greet children before class. After banning Chris P. Carrot from giving a presentation to students on vegetarianism inside the school, a school official at Central Elementary stated, "It's too controversial an issue." Headlines everywhere are trumpeting vegetarianism as the new youth trend-even Prince Harry, third in line to the British throne, wants to give beef the boot. The USDA has doubled the amount of fruits and vegetables in school lunches, acknowledging the fact that "there's no question any longer of the relationship between diet and chronic diseases." Says PETA's Tracy Reiman, "Feeding children meat is child abuse. Health-conscious parents should love Chris P. Carrot-eating meat promotes obesity, heart disease, and cancer." From People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. close cover before striking you've been warned. book from janet kuypers. available through scars publications. checks payable to janet kuypers, $10/book. "Cows" And "Pigs" Greet Taxpayers At Post Office "Cut The Pork-Cut The Fat-TAX MEAT" Washington, DC - On "Tax Day," Monday, April 15, members of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, joined by a posse of "cows," "pigs" and "chickens," greeted taxpayers at post offices across the country to advocate a tax on meat. PETA's "animals" are advocating an excise tax on each purchase of meat, poultry, and fish, much the same as cancer-awareness groups advocated taxing cigarettes. A recent report estimates that Americans spend as much as $61 billion a year to treat illnesses such as hypertension, heart disease, cancer, and obesity, which all stem from meat consumption. The "meat tax" could pay for health education programs, that would reduce health care costs and save Americans' money and lives. Waving signs reading, "Cut The Pork-Tax Meat," prancing "pigs" will greet taxpayers. And a giant "chicken," waving a sign reading, "Trim the Fat-Tax Meat," will greet taxpayers. Says PETA's Tracy Reiman, "Meat consumption costs this country billions of dollars, millions of lives, and a huge loss in national productivity. A meat tax spells lower health care costs and healthier Americans." From People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. "Cow" Pies Ronald McDonald Jingle Promo Triggers Face-Off Between McDonald's and Irate Vegetarians Washington, DC - McDonald's received a nasty surprise during its recruitment of kids to sing the "Two All-Beef Patties" jingle-a "cow" presented Ronald McDonald with a pie in the face in protest of the slaughter of his brethren. The event occurred today at a McDonald's. PETA's "cow" wants the children to know the truth: Hamburgers don't really grow in "Hamburger Patches" and don't love to be eaten, but they are really ground-up cows whose throats are slit while they hang upside down on the slaughter line. The original Ronald McDonald, Jeff Juliano, now follows a vegetarian diet for ethical reasons. "McDonald's efforts to use children to promote animal slaughter will help kill these kids when they grow up. Meat spells heart disease, cancer, and stroke, and death for millions of innocent animals," says PETA's Vegetarian Campaign Coordinator Tracy Reiman. "Kids would loose their lunch if they knew exactly how cows become patties." PETA has led protests at McDonald's restaurants across the United States, Europe, and in Russia. Last year, a protesting "pig" followed the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile, angry about Oscar Mayer's jingle competition. The Wienermobile was a "no show" at planned protest sites across the country. Consumers may obtain free vegetarian recipes by calling the PETA hotline, 1-800-355-VEGE. From People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Florida Boy Kills Himself Before Starting New School FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla., Aug 26 (Reuter) - A 12-year-old Florida boy hanged himself in his backyard just hours before he was due to start at a new school, police said. Samuel Graham, who told his family earlier that he was nervous about starting at a new school because he feared teasing about his weight problem, had been due to spend his first day at Parkway Middle School Monday, police said. The boy was last seen alive Sunday night when he joined his two younger brothers and father in a bedtime prayer. Two younger brothers found him hanging from a tree early Monday morning. His father cut him down and tried to revive him but paramedics pronounced him dead when they arrived. The Broward County Sheriff's Office found a step stool and a flashlight under the tree where the boy was hanged. They said there was no sign of foul play and that investigators believed the death was a suicide. Dusty Dog Reviews These poems document a very complicated internal response to the feminine side of social existence. And as the book proceeds the poems become increasingly psychologically complex and, ultimately, fascinating and genuinely rewarding. C Ra McGuirt, Editor, The Penny Dreadful Review cc&d is obviously a labor of love ... I just have to smile when I go through it. (Janet Kuypers) uses her space and her poets to best effect, and the illos attest to her skill as a graphic artist. Dusty Dog Reviews She opens with a poem of her own devising, which has that wintry atmosphere demonstrated in the movie version of Boris Pasternak's Doctor Zhivago. The atmosphere of wintry white and cold, gloriously murderous cold, stark raging cold, numbing and brutalizing cold, appears almost as a character who announces to his audience, "Wisdom occurs only after a laboriously magnificent disappointment." Alas, that our Dusty Dog for mat cannot do justice to Ms. Kuypers' very personal layering of her poem across the page. "Cows" To Clinton: "Veg Out!" PETA Protests President's Plan To Funnel Excess Beef into Federal School Lunch Program Washington, DC - Carrying a banner that reads, "Feeding Kids Meat Is Child Abuse," a pair of dancing "cows" admonished President Clinton for his plan to buy $50 million of beef for the federal school lunch program as part of an attempt to bolster the faltering beef industry outside the White House. On any given day, one out of four schoolchildren does not eat any fruits or vegetables, according to a survey conducted by the American Health Foundation. The U.S. National Cholesterol Education Program warns that heart disease begins during childhood and recommends a low-fat, low-cholesterol diet for kids as young as two. In fact, the USDA has doubled the amount of fruits and vegetables in school lunches, acknowledging the fact that "there's no question any longer of the relationship between diet and chronic diseases." Says PETA's Tracy Reiman, "President Clinton's attempt to boost beef prices only hurts children in the long run-eating meat promotes obesity, heart disease, stroke, and cancer." Each year in the United States alone, an estimated 6.5 million people get sick, and 9,000 people die from eating contaminated meat. From People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Delta Air Lines Gives Up The Goose Airline Discontinues Serving Cruelly Derived PätZÿ de Foie Gras Atlanta, GA - Delta Air Lines has announced that it has abandoned its in-flight service of foie gras, which is made from the grotesquely enlarged livers of ducks and geese who have been cruelly force-fed before being slaughtered. In a letter to a concerned passenger that was forwarded to PETA, Delta Consumer Affairs Specialist E.E. Few wrote, "Foie gras is not served domestically, and has been discontinued on our international flights departing the United States. We are in the process of phasing it out on inbound international flights." Workers on foie gras farms violently force-feed ducks and geese by ramming a hard pipe down their throats and into their stomachs, often resulting in throat lacerations and broken bills. The amount of food pumped into the birds is the equivalent of a human eating 28 pounds of spaghetti, and can cause a bird's stomach to rupture. The livers of male birds grow larger and are more profitable, so female ducklings are routinely drowned. On some farms, workers who "explode" fewer than 50 birds per month get a bonus. Instructions from one farmer's handbook read: "The birds should be killed just before they themselves die due to fatty degeneration of their livers. The right slaughter time is not until the birds get white-turned bill, swollen legs, bellies hanging down, and they are panting." "Delta's decision to not serve foie gras is a blessing for the ducks and geese who will be spared this horrific torture," says PETA's David Cantor. "We hope other airlines will follow Delta's compassionate example." Air Canada, SAS, and American Airlines have all dropped foie gras from their menus after viewing PETA photos and a video exposZÿ narrated by Sir John Gielgud. From People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Dorrance Publishing Co., Pittsburgh, PA "Hope Chest in the Attic" captures the complexity of human nature and reveals startling yet profound discernments about the travesties that surge through the course of life. This collection of poetry, prose and artwork reflects sensitivity toward feminist issues concerning abuse, sexism and equality. It also probes the emotional torrent that people may experience as a reaction to the delicate topics of death, love and family. "Chain Smoking" depicts the emotional distress that afflicted a friend while he struggled to clarify his sexual ambiguity. Not only does this thought-provoking profile address the plight that homosexuals face in a homophobic society, it also characterizes the essence of friendship. "The room of the rape" is a passionate representation of the suffering rape victims experience. Vivid descriptions, rich symbolism, and candid expressions paint a shocking portrait of victory over the gripping fear that consumes the soul after a painful exploitation. the unreligious, non-family-oriented literary and art magazine is now 8-1/2" x 11", 12 times a year, with subscriptions for $36/year! we're still accepting submissions, too, so send work with a bio and sase (and macintosh disk, if possible) to children, churches and daddies scars publications and design, janet kuypers email: ccandd96@aol.com Women's Health Activists Demanded Genetic Privacy WASHINGTON (Reuter) - An international coalition of women's and health groups urged governments Tuesday to enact policies to protect "genetic privacy," so people did not face discrimination because of their genetic makeup. They said they were concerned about losing medical insurance if they had certain genes predisposing them to certain diseases or being sidetracked professionally if employers got hold of genetic information. In the United States, several lawmakers have introduced bills to deal with some of these issues, particularly access to health insurance, but none has become law. The activists were represented at a news conference in Washington sponsored by the Foundation on Economic Trends, which is campaigning against biotechnology companies' ability to patent genes. Joining them were some women who have taken the test to see if they have the BRCA1 gene, linked to breast and ovarian cancer. "Human genes are not for sale or profit," said noted feminist activist and breast cancer survivor Bella Abzug. "Legislation must be enacted that specifically protects the privacy and confidentiality of a patient's medical record and bars discrimination against any individual who undergoes genetic testing," said Abzug, a former U.S. congresswoman. Foundation president Jeremy Rifkin said in an interview the gathering represented the "birth of the genetic rights movement." He said women should have the option of taking genetic screening tests without having to worry about losing privacy, insurance or employment. The BRCA1 gene, one of two so far linked to breast and ovarian cancer, has posed particular problems in medical ethics. Women carrying a mutation of the gene have an 85 percent chance of developing breast cancer, but scientists do not know what sets apart the 15 percent that do not. Nor is there a proven way of avoiding or preventing breast cancer. Not all women's groups oppose patenting genes. Some believe it will help bring more money in for research and possible cures. Debra Purdy Kong, writer, British Columbia, Canada I like the magazine a lot. I like the spacious lay-out and the different coloured pages and the variety of writer's styles. Too many literary magazines read as if everyone graduated from the same course. We need to collect more voices like these and send them everywhere. Dusty Dog Reviews The whole project is hip, anti-academic, the poetry of reluctant grown-ups, picking noses in church. An enjoyable romp! Though also serious. Children, Churches and Daddies. It speaks for itself. Write to Scars Publications to submit poetry, prose and artwork to Children, Churches and Daddies literary magazine, or to inquire about having your own chapbook, and maybe a few reviews like these. Lesbians Slip Through Health System Cracks By Lynne O'Donnell HUAIROU, China, Sept 1 (Reuter) - Lesbians are falling through the cracks of Western health care systems, victims of discrimination and fear that make them more vulnerable to dangerous diseases than heterosexual women, a U.S expert said. U.S. studies have found that one in three lesbians suffers from some form of cancer, compared with one in nine women in the community at large, Ellie Emanuel of the University of Wisconsin-Stout's School of Education and Human Services told a workshop at a grassroots women's forum in Beijing. ``Lesbians are slipping through the cracks,'' she said. The workshop at the Non Governmental Organisations women's forum in the Beijing suburb of Huairou heard that women who choose not to have sexual relations with men often do not think they are at risk of sexually transmitted diseases such as AIDS. ``There is a growing recognition that women and lesbians are at risk of getting AIDS through sexual behaviour and needle sharing...but we have no data on the extent because lesbianism is not a risk factor,'' said a Swedish participant, who declined to be named. Most of the 50 participants preferred not to be identified, apparently nervous of prejudice. The Swede said that in the United States only 30 percent of lesbians told their doctors of their sexual orientation, and only 40 percent told their gynecologist, making reliable data almost impossible to obtain. ``It is possible to contract AIDS from oral sex,'' she said, citing a U.S. study of 1,100 women that found that actual risk behaviour in lesbians was high. She said her studies showed 90 percent of lesbians who had had sex with gay or bisexual men did not use condoms. ``So testing (for the AIDS virus) was the solution for not having practiced safe sex in the past,'' she said. She estimated that 21 percent of lesbians in the United States had made love with a high risk partner - such as a gay or bisexual man or intravenous drug user - and that one to two percent of all women with AIDS were lesbians. Emanuel, who helped to establish the Lesbian Community Cancer Project in Chicago after contracting breast cancer in 1990, said lesbians must be identified in the community and educated about issues pertinent to their own health. ``Women think that if they don't have sex with men they don't have to worry about annual check-ups that would detect disease,'' she said. Mistrust of institutionalised health care, discrimination and the huge cost of medical care kept many lesbians out of the mainstream Western healthcare system, she said. ``So they are not having the tests that would find cancer and other life-threatening illnesses,'' Emanuel said. ``Because of the homophobia that exists in most societies, for women to identify themselves in any way as lesbians is frightening,'' she said. ``It threatens them physically, it threatens their jobs.'' As a result, hard data on lesbian health was difficult to collect and often unreliable. Studies had found lesbophobia and homophobia in the medical profession that could affect their access to medical care because they fear homophobia, she said. Many lesbians preferred alternative, eastern or herbal medicines, which while effective in treating symptomatic illnesses, missed major complications such as cancer. Lesbians Have Higher Health Risk STANFORD, Calif.-(BUSINESS WIRE)-Sept. 8, 1995-Lesbians are at a higher risk of several health problems, in part because they visit their doctors less frequently than other women, a Stanford researcher reports. Gynecological oncologist Dr. Katherine O'Hanlan describes this finding in a review of available information on lesbian health in Current Problems in Obstetrics, Gynecology and Fertility (Vol. 18, No. 4), published Aug. 21. O'Hanlan's report, the first broad review of existing research on lesbian health, incorporates data on 13,543 lesbians who participated in seven health surveys. "Given their demographic profile, lesbians appear to be at higher risk of breast, ovarian and endometrial carcinoma, as well as heart disease," said O'Hanlan, an assistant professor of gynecology and obstetrics at Stanford University School of Medicine. "There is ample evidence that lesbians have been alienated from medical practice, either by accidental offense by a well-meaning doctor or by prejudice. It's essential that we welcome them back into the medical fold in order to provide appropriate screening and testing for these illnesses," she said. Doctors can inadvertently alienate gay and lesbian patients by assuming that all their patients are heterosexual, O'Hanlan said. "Something as simple as an office questionnaire can turn patients off," she said. "How is a woman in a long-term relationship with another woman supposed to identify herself when the only options on the questionnaire are single, married, divorced or widowed?" Doctors might try something as simple as adding the option "domestic partnership" to their questionnaires, O'Hanlan suggests. "This message tells gays and lesbians they are welcome in this doctor's practice because their existence is acknowledged," she said. In general, many physicians are unaware of the health risks facing lesbians, O'Hanlan said. For instance, while it is true that lesbians are at lower risk of sexually transmitted diseases than other women, they are not completely free of them. "It turns out that 70 percent of lesbians have been sexual with men," O'Hanlan said. "This means that doctors should perform Pap smears and test lesbians for sexually transmitted diseases, as is currently indicated for heterosexual women. Oftentimes they don't." Many lesbians have subtle, psychological reasons for avoiding doctor's visits, she added. "Most homosexuals carry some internalized homophobia - a constant message nagging at them, telling them they are second-class citizens. This is because of the ubiquitous messages in our society saying that heterosexuality is the only way to go," O'Hanlan said. "This diminishes a person's self-esteem and results in poor health habits such as smoking, drinking and low motivation. Many won't bother going to the doctor since they feel that the doctor doesn't like them anyhow. The same syndrome results in poor compliance with medical plans." Compared with other women, lesbians appear to be at significantly higher risk of attempting suicide, she noted. "Internalized homophobia has a lot to do with that," O'Hanlan said. The solution, she said, is to make it clear to all children that homosexuality is indeed a legitimate lifestyle. This would allow the 94 percent of children who are not homosexual to grow up respecting and understanding the 6 percent who are, while enabling the 6 percent who are homosexual to grow up with normal self-esteem. "All the research points to children in many cases recognizing their sexual orientation in early elementary school - the exact time they are forming their self-esteem. If they are homosexual, these young children see no role models on television or in the theaters of how they could be healthy adults," O'Hanlan said. "If parents would only say to their children, `No matter whom you love, I will always love you,' they could save their children from a lifetime of low self-esteem and the attendant results." FOR COMMENT: Dr. Katherine O'Hanlan at 415/723-8585. humor In the New S. Africa "For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a dead patient in the same bed every Friday morning" a spokeswoman for the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters. "There was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on the air conditioning system, and a search for possible bacterial infection, failed to reveal any clues." "However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these deaths. It seems that every Friday morning a cleaner would enter the ward, remove the plug that powered the patient's life support system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her business. When she had finished her chores, she would plug the life support machine back in and leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She could not, after all, hear the screams and eventual death rattle over the whirring of her polisher. "We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in question. Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department is arranging for an electrician to fit an extra socket, so there should be no repetition of this incident. The enquiry is now closed." from (Cape Times, 6/13/96) test score answers These are from tests and essays students submitted to science and health teachers in elementary, junior high, high school, and college. • H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water. • To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. • When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide. • Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water. • Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars. • Blood flows down one leg and up the other. • Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration. • The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader. • Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull. • Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire. • A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. • Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas. • The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects. • The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to. • A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors. • The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. • A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is. • Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa. • Germinate: To become a naturalized German. • Liter: A nest of young puppies. • Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat. • Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away. • Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky. • Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot. • Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives. • Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative. • To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose. • For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops. • For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered,then kill it. • For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat. • To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow. jokes One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $50.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment. The following morning the man presented her with $25.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating: "If you don't give me the other $25.00, I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying: "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said: "She can't possibly get a judgement against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented." After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $50.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $25.00, one-half the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgement be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance." The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore, was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "My client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgement not be granted." The young lady's lawyer answered thusly: "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgement be granted." And it was. She won the case ................... Lady walks in to welfare office, says she wants to get on benefits. Welfare officer asks if she has any children. "I have 9 children,"she says." All by the same father?", the welfare officer asks. Oh no, she replies. The last three were by my present pastor, the three before that by my former pastor. I just don't know who the father of the first three were." "And why don't you know who the father was of the first three children, asked the welfare officer. Oh, you see, the lady replied, that was before I became a Christian. A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a civil engineer are all sitting together, discussing the nature of god. The mechanical engineer says, God has to be a mechanical engineer; look at the bone structure, the way the muscles worked, the way leverage is used.... The electrical engineer says, God has to be an electrical engineer; look at the way nerve impulses are passed, the way instructions are sent from the brain, the way memory is stored.... The civil engineer says, God has to be a civil engineer; who else would put a waste disposal pipe line right through the middle of a major recreational area... Why don't baptists have sex standing up? Looks too much like they're dancing. There were three daughters all living with their father. He was the kind of person who was very protective, and he didn't like young men. One evening, all three of the girls got dates for the same night, and no matter how much he argued with them, their father couldn't convince them to stay at home. Around 6:30 the doorbell rang and the father went to open it. He got out his .12 gauge shotgun, flung open the door and yelled "Waddaya want!" The boy standing on the door was very nervous as he said "Well... my name is Freddie, and I'm here for Betty. We're going to eat spaghetti, so is she ready?" The father called Betty and they drove off. Around 6:45 the doorbell rang again. The father flung open the door and yelled as he had done before. "Well... my name is Jo and I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, so is she ready to go?" Flo came running down the stairs and they drove off. Around 7:00 the doorbell rang again. The door was opened and the boy started to talk: "Hi, I'm Chuck - " *BANG* There's this kid who lives on a farm. He comes home from school, in a really bad mood. He sees a pig and kicks it. Then he sees a chicken and kicks that. Then he walks into the house. "I saw you kick those animals", his mother says, "For kicking the pig, you'll have no bacon for a week. For kicking the chicken, you'll have no eggs for a week." The kid's about to say something, when his father walks in the door, also in a foul mood, and kicks the cat. The kid says to his mother, "You want to tell him, or should I?" True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and had snapped it off the drive. The chicken industry was in terrible shape, losing money and laying off employees. Industry leaders hit upon a plan: They went to see the Pope and said, "We'll give a million dollars to the Church if you agree to change the Bible: Where it says, "Give us this day our daily bread," change it to "Give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope was outraged and said, "No!" The chicken leaders said, "Okay, 10 million dollars." "Absolutely not! I won't tamper with the Word of God!" After some consultation, the chicken leaders said, "Okay. 100 million dollars and that's our final offer!" The Pope couldn't turn it down. He accepted. At the next General Council, the Pope announced, "I have some good news and bad news. The good news is that I've made 100 million dollars for the Church. The bad news is....we lost the Wonder Bread account...." This old guy runs into a nurse in the hall of the old folks' home. He drops his pants and says, "Do you know how old I am?" She looks him up and down and says, "Eighty-nine." Surprised, he says, "That's exactly right. How did you know?" She says, "You told me yesterday." A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains,"I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!" Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5. Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer,"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep. The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep. A lady named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and while here, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping. When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open. The woman looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said "Are you okay?" The woman answered "I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in". Linda didn't know what to do, so she ran into the store, where store officials called the paramedics. They had to break into the car because the door was locked. When they got in, they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then attempted to hold her brains in. A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mudhole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow again and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes. A man died and went to heaven, where he met St. Peter sitting at a desk in the middle of a great hall. On the walls were millions of clocks. What are those used for? he asked. St. Peter said, "there's one of them for every living person on Earth ticking out the days of their lives." The newcomer noticed that the hands of some of the clocks were moving faster than others. "Why do they move at different speeds," he asked. St.Peter said, "Every time you tell a lie you lose one day of your life." The newcomer looked around and then asked, "Do you have one of these for Bill Clinton?" St. Peter answered, "Sure, its in the back room, we use it for a ceiling fan." APT FOR RENT A prosperous and somewhat amorous businessman, propositioned a beautiful chorus girl of well-proportioned figure to spend the night with him for $500. When he was ready to leave the next morning, certain things having transpired, he told her he didn't have that much money with him, but would have his secretary mail her a check for it, made out for RENT FOR APARTMENT, to avoid any embarrassment. On the way to the office, however, after thinking the matter over carefully, he decided the night hadn't been worth what he had agreed to pay, so he had his secretary send a check for $250 instead, and enclosed the following explanatory note: Dear Madam: Enclosed is my check for the amount of $250 for rent on your apartment. I am sending this amount instead of the amount originally agreed upon, because when I rented this apartment, I was under the impression that.... 1. It had never been occupied 2. That there was plenty of heat 3. That it was small Last night, I found that it had been occupied many times, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large! Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check, with this note: I am returning the check for $250. I cannot understand how you could expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied. As for the heat.... there is plenty of it there if you know how to turn it on. As for the size, it's not my fault if you didn't have enough furniture to furnish it. The FAA (US Federal Aviation Administration) has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point the device at the test airplane windshield and it shoots a dead chicken at about the speed the aircraft normally flies as it takes off or lands. The idea is to check for effect of impact on seagulls and other fowl. If the windshield doesn't break it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight. The Polish recently built a new high speed locomotive. They borrowed the FAA device to test the windshield, reset it to the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab. They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and concluded that they may get better results if they thawed the chicken first. Three guys are applying for job with the CIA. They got all the way to the final test. So the first guy walks into the directors office and sits down. The director reaches in his desk and pulls out a pistol. Lays it on his desk in front of the guy. Tells him, "This test is to test your loyalty. Take this gun and go up the stairs and go into the first room on your right. Your wife will be in there. Put a bullet in her head." The guy looks at him and says,"no way." So the director says, "You fail." The next guy comes in. The diresctor tells him the same thing. Guy picks up the gun and head for the room. Comes back about 15 minutes later. Tells the director that he just couldn't go through with it. The director says, "you fail." So now the third guy comes in, same scene. Guy heads up to the room. The director hears 3 shots, followed by a whole lot of ruckus (glass breaking, funiture getting smashed). Guy comes back in all beat up and his clothes tore up. The director goes, "What happened to you?" Guy replies, "After three shots I realized that there were blanks in the gun so I had to choke her to death." A woman walked up to her husband and, out of the blue, hit him. He said, "What was that for?" She said, "Poor bed partner!" He thought about that for a few days, then he hit her. She said, "What was that for?" He said, "For knowing the difference!" A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth, and the doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd like to try it out. The machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father to ease the mother's burden. Well, they thought that was a good idea and decided to give it a try, so the doctor set it on ten percent to begin with, telling the man that even ten percent was probably more pain than he had ever experienced. But the man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling and asked the doctor to raise it. So he put it up to twenty percent, and when the man still felt fine, he raised it to fifty and finally one hundred percent. After it was over, the man stood up, stretched a little, and helped his wife into the car, both of them feeling fine. But when they got home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep. A woman discovers that her dog isn't moving, so she takes it to a veterinarian. After a brief examination, the vet declares the dog deceased. The woman, distraught, remains unsure and asks if there's anything else the vet can do. He pauses, leaves the room and comes back carrying a huge cat. The cat walks over to the dog, sniffs it, then walks away. "That confirms it," says the vet. "Your dog is dead." Satisfied but sad, the woman asks, "How much do I owe you?" "That will be $330," says the vet. "Idon't believe it!" says the woman. "What did you do that cost $330?" "Well," answers the vet, "it 's $30 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan." quotations "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." - Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C. "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." - David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes. "They gave me a book of checks. They didn't ask for any deposits." - Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to answer questions about the House Bank scandal. "He didn't say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech." - Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President Bush wasn't following up on his campaign pledge that there would be no loss of wetlands. "It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their heads in a nodding position." - John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information, responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping on the job. "I didn't accept it. I received it." - Richard Allen, National Security Advisor to President Reagan, explaining the $1000 in cash and two watches he was given by two Japanese journalists after he helped arrange a private interview for them with First Lady Nancy Reagan. "I was a pilot flying an airplane and it just so happened that where I was flying made what I was doing spying." - Francis Gary Power, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by the Soviets for spying, in an interview after he was returned to the US "I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes." - President Richard Nixon "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." - Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward "I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate." - Vice-President Dan Quayle "Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway." - Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane "Are you any relation to your brother Marv?" - Leon Wood, New Jersey Nets guard, to Steve Albert, Nets TV commentator "Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976." - Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history... this century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." - Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust "In the early sixties, we were strong, we were virulent..." - John Connally, Secretary of Treasury under Richard Nixon, in an early seventies speech, as reported in a contemporary "American Scholar" "Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself." - Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator" "The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe." - Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia "I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted." - Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries "The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President; hijackiing an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector." - Knight Ridder News Service dispatch "After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post." - Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington Rhode Island "The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing." - Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series. poetry "Parrot" Eric Leake Carmagnole@aol.com Lived so proud and lived so free Stolen from your santuary Taken from brotheren and friend To live in a cage until the end What horrid crime did thee commit To deserve such severe punishment The crime was none except to be In possession of pristine beauty. HOW DARLA LOVED Stephen W. Brodie SWBrodie@aol.com those midnight drives down dusty gravel roads lit by the moon and the glowing red embers of a Marlboro, snuck from her father's sock drawer while he was tending to the horses or bringing the chickens in for the night, she could always count on one of the boys from town to bring a bottle of Jack Daniels or a case of beer, she had grown to like the taste: the beer, the cigarettes, the boys, the freedom that small town girls have to steal after the sun goes down, she'd laugh and run naked through the cornfields, past old Mr. Tatum's barn, and plunge herself deep into the cool dark waters of the swimming hole where she'd be joined moments later by a group of drunk naked boys, yelling and splashing about, trying to get closer to her, each squirming for a feel of her smooth round bottom or breasts, full for a girl of fourteen Farmer's Widow joan palalie eisert standing at the back door after a rain she takes the needle and thread from her apron pocket and sews the thimble to her hand she'd rather wait and scrape the blood off the kitchen floor when it's dried and the corn is ready Chemotherapy joan papalia eisert The slate-green of the cubicle effuses into the air onto her caressing her soothing her encouraging her This green . . . I grasp for the psychobabble about colors - orange will stimulate our appetites pink will make us all beautiful green green green green will will us to live But she is oblivious to the crawling verdure She is patient She is tolerant She is accepting the punctures of the I.V. like sacred stigmata; she is forgiving the murdering cells While I would see only black and follow the creeds of Josef Mengele, Lizzie Borden, Hannibal the Cannibal, and Nicolae Ceausescu in a foamed-mouth frenzy mutilating, decapitating, gorging, and bludgeoning every attempt at civility I would beg and provoke I would squirm and preen for the delicious dread in my doctor's eyes as he watched me fingerpaint with me feces on pathetic sterile sheets Joe's not the brightest bulb in the chandelier but he learned his lesson. michael estabrook Joe was in sales virtually his whole life ever since he got out of the Navy. Because he never went to college he ended-up selling business forms, typing papers, letterhead and computer documents so it was rather boring. But he worked in the "Big City," in New York City and had some big accounts there or almost some big accounts there so he found it all-in-all to be pretty exciting. What he liked most was the partying, all the women, the martinis at lunch, Manhattans and wine at dinner, beer on his golfing weekends with an important client or his boss. And he liked the national sales conventions, too, when all the boys got together to talk about the latest in paper products, and how they'd be cracking their biggest prospects soon, yes real soon, and they'd stay out till the wee hours watching the girls go-go dance while getting smashed out of their gourds. When he was 58 years old Joe attended his final national sales meeting it was down in sunny Tampa/St. Pete where he got so drunk he passed-out right in the shower with the hot water running over him until finally Owen, his roommate, shut it off so he could get some sleep. Joe got badly scalded on his right side and arm, the skin bubbling and blistering, peeling off in big pieces leaving ugly thick scars you can see to this day. He also had a heart attack from his drunken bout with the hot shower, and almost died. "But," his wife Dorothy liked to say, "Some good comes out of everything." And she must've been right seeing as Joe hasn't had a drink since, and he's about to turn 73. Molly Conway THE PEACE ROSE There are two thousand members of the rose family Just Imagine knowing the names of all the varieties of rose... and all other flowers... and all other plants... My Great Aunt Mamie knew her directions in the flat country She also knew the names of local flowers, plants, and trees I'd ask her and ask her and forget and forget I'm sorry Mamie, I really tried He stood too close to me in my Aunt Mamie's cozy living room looking menacing and cock-sure of himself with the self satisfied smirk on his yellowish face My little sister Susie was nearby not being alert He lurched at her, pawing I grabbed Mamie's meat fork With the peeling painted handle From her tumbled up, stuffed full utensil drawer And thrust the curved prongs Left handed With all my strength Up his nostrils It stuck there as he feel on his back Onto Mamie's light green short shag rug His balding head deeply furrow at the huge forehead His breath coming out in a groaned grunt As he hit the floor The meat fork handle bounced perpendicularly To his sand-colored fatigue-shirtband chest With the familiar curly quean tufts of grey and white hair Sticking out above the once white crew necked tee shirt underneath He struggled to sit up Sticking his too-long arms straight out in front of him Not succeeding, his heavy head fell back with a muffled thud Get Uncle George's gun! I screamed Get Uncle George's gun! The perfect Peace Rose is yellow, soft and smooth With just a hint of light pink On the tips of it's petals Some Peace Roses have more pink than that But they aren't as dainty and fragile As the pale, lemony yellow Half-open blossoms With dew drops And a scent like melted spring morning sunshine haiku #2 pete lee spinnig to the floor tiny cigarette ashes like burning angels CHARMING NIKKI mark hartenbach has me muttering incantations forward & reverse roaming for a bit of stop action incommunicado. pinching my fingers in a phallic accordion. making mince meat out of my left hand, the remote in my right. surfing into no man's land where i'm always greeted with a chorus of emphatic yes sir. QUICK GOODBYE Richard Fein bardbyte@chelsea.ios.com Goodbye, half-finished toast on plate. Goodbye, almost late--time card. Half-drunk cup of coffee. Darling, you finish the toast, finish the coffee, don't waste. Peck on the cheek. Tonight, candlelight and wine dinner, but not now. One quick naughty touch, gonna be late. Front door opens, smile and wave. Door closes, door closed. Car leaves, then somewhere-- bleeding brakes, high-pitched sounds, bleeding heart. Closed door, door closed, a lifetime of closed doors follows. Every closed door a screen and on it an endless loop of a mind's projection of that last work-a-day goodbye. after you left Ray Heinrich ray@vais.net blue me and one of my socks green the other sock yellow the stamp on the letter orange i ate it red the tomatoes i'm cutting up for my salad orange the sun right now yellow the stamp on the letter again green but i'm learning blue the blue cheese dressing and me a picture of you Ray Heinrich ray@vais.net old music sits across the room from me refusing to reach my ears and the hole the quiet makes becomes a picture of you about our hats Ray Heinrich ray@vais.net thin black hands reach out of the backs of our heads holding up our heaven hats so when we face each other it seems there is a sky complete with stars Supper With My Parents greg kosmicki We're all squinched up at the kitchen table tempers short everyone on best behavior Mark tries obliquely to say shocking things Audrey pretends to be fashionably cool Briana angry because she's tired Debbie tense because of take your pick (1) cooking (2) my mom (3) kids aggravating (4) tired from work (5) difficulty working in the cramped kitchen (6) internal pressure from work-related stresses (7) headache (8) all of the above Dad tired from the trip Mom in a daze me, I don't know- tense from knowing all of the above plus tired from work, long nights, tired kids, worry that Mark's going to gross out the grandparents, irritated that Audrey's being phony tension from old wounds long past, unhealed when we hear a bird call outside the kitchen window and Debbie and Mom get up to see two beautiful blue jays feeding in the evening shade arrowhead janet kuypers you're used to seeing it, you know people killing each other one the streets all of my friends carry guns i started carrying knives when i was eight the blade looked like an arrowhead and the t-shaped handle fit between the knuckles in my palm i was tough for a girl, i guess i've only killed one person it was when i was fourteen there's one mad rush of panic then you just finish the job and run like hell that's why i'm in this house, you see they couldn't put me in jail they've taught me a lot here at first i didn't want to get away from it all from the violence it was what i knew it was what i expected and then someone killed my sister and i knew what they were all talking about i missed her suddenly i knew i made someone else feel that i learned what guilt and remorse were and ever since i've wanted to get out Jack mike lazarchuk Jack Stark told his Family he wanted to be Fishing when he died, Hopefully with a fish On his line. Tuesday, May 15th, 1990, Jack Stark, a retired Cab driver collapsed In his boat shortly After hooking a fish On Lake Erie off Bolles Harbor, south of Monroe, Michigan Ted Wixom, a companion Came to his assistance, Hailing two other Fishermen in a Nearby boat who Turned out to be Paramedics from Flint, Each trying his best To revive him. Jack Stark was DOA At Mercy Hospital In Monroe, the cause Of death listed as Massive heart attack. A tall, barrel-chested man, Jack Stark drove yellow cab For 27 years, retiring in 1982 To a life of serious fishing. He had many "fish stories" He'd willingly spin to Buddies who told of His prowess with a Scaling knife and the Knack he had for Filleting a fish. "He was a good bowler too," Recalled Phil Martin who Bowled with Jack in a league. "Some of his teams even won championships." VICTIM David B. McCoy DMccoy5705@aol.com While a college sophomore, I took an aquatics life-saving class. During one particular class period, I was paired up with this short, beautiful brunette to practice the Tired-Swimmer Assist around the pool. I was assigned to be her "victim" and floated on my back in a supine resting position with my hands firmly holding her shoulders. She was my "rescuer" and swam face down partially on top of me-propelling me to "safety." Because of our respective heights, her breasts (in her tight Speedo suit) and my penis (in my tight Speedo suit) fit perfectly together. Around the pool we went, my penis bobbing between her breasts. It was on that day I came to appreciate the human capacity for self-control. Torn lyn lifshin Blown leaves, letters blowing too Even the window doesn't shut right I keep feeling I have the wrong clothes when you're not with me my blood packs the same old suitcase It's full of things that are torn too saramck@island.net Sarah McKenzie I live in reform country Yes I do Some say I Look mad But I just feel sad I work at the back of the shop I work till I drop I have an alarm around my neck While the nouveau gastapo gives me heck Many drink bear to hide their fear Some don't care Some don't dare Others close their eyes and pray But I know the pain won't go away And on the map Is a dot, that the spot Where I live In this small planet, beside a hot star Sometimes I Reach For You Boyd Miller BoydM@newportnet.com Sometimes I reach for you and find the empty space beside me a lonely soul wails at the emptiness in my heart missing you so deeply that tears are merely a doorway to a passage of pain so vast that if I entered I would lose my way and not return. A WHOLE LOT OF NOTHING Kurt Nimmo knimmo@mail.ic.net She had gone over to the neighbor and the neighbor had taken her to the store for a bottle. I had taken everything-money, car, checkbook, even the pennies we kept in a jar-in a half-ass attempt to starve the booze out of her. She waited for me to go off to work-and then went over to the neighbor's place. She told me this later, after I had found the bottle and had poured it out. Drunk, she tried to light a cigarette, and nearly caught her hair on fire. I wanted to go over to the neighbor and tell the woman to mind her own business. The neighbor woman is on welfare. Even so, she has a new car. How does that work, I asked myself. I have a ten year old car. It wants to die. I'm doing some- thing wrong. I was born male, white, and condemned. I will work until I drop-and then they will dig a hole, throw me in, and stab a tombstone into the brittle white of my bones. Later, a kid on angel dust will spray paint the word FUCK on my name. Even later still, the state will dig me up, dump my rotted crust a hundred yards to the north, and run a freeway over my sacred ground. On the freeway, welfare mothers locked inside new cars will chase after dehydrated dreams. In the stale background of now, however, I pour my wife's drug of choice down the drain. She tried to light a cigarette just now and nearly set herself aflame. Beyond her, through a window and in the street, wards of the state play with shiny new plastic toys. They wait-heavy with the blindness of child- hood-for their first chance at a whole lot of nothing. aids news Measles Research Could Hold Hope For AIDS WASHINGTON (Reuter) - New research on measles, which kills as many as two million children each year, could help shed light on the opportunistic infections that attack AIDS patients, scientists reported. One of the ways measles kills is by attacking the immune systems of the children who contract it, leaving them vulnerable to other diseases, according to Christopher Karp, one of the authors of the report in the journal Science. Karp's research with other scientists focused on exactly how measles undermines immunity, and found that what happens in measles might also happen in the case of HIV, the virus that causes AIDS. "It's preliminary, it's pure speculation, but it's exciting enough that we've put significant resources into finding out if it's a reasonable hypothesis,'' Karp said by telephone from Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine in Baltimore. The possible AIDS link was a bonus discovery to the scientists' research, which focused on cutting measles' lethal impact among children in tropical regions. Although a measles vaccine is available, it is more effective among children in rich, temperate countries than among those in tropical countries, which are often poorer, Karp said. This may occur because the natural immunity babies get from their mothers appears to decline faster in the tropics. The researchers were working to develop a vaccine that would be more effective for these children, one that could be administered very early, possibly at the age of six months. In the process, they found a way to shut off the flow of the substance that erodes immunity in measles sufferers. What remains to be seen is whether the same method can be used to shut off the immunity-destroying properties in HIV, Karp said. Increase AIDS Drug Effort: Japan Health Minister By Paul Eckert TOKYO (Reuter) - Japan's health minister urged his country's drug makers to step up research and development to contribute to the global fight against AIDS. We must move pharmaceutical firms in the direction of developing useful products for the world - in the manner which Japanese electronics companies have done,'' Naoto Kan, minister of health and welfare, told a news conference. "Japanese pharmaceutical firms do not have the adequate capacity to develop AIDS drugs,'' he said. Kan earlier this year played a pivotal role in forcing his ministry to accept responsibility for a tainted blood scandal that infected some 1,800 hemophiliacs with the HIV virus, which can cause AIDS. Kan spoke as the 11th International Conference on AIDS in Vancouver projected that by the turn of the century, about 44 million people will fall victim to the HIV virus, up from an estimated 21.8 million currently. The Health Ministry estimates the number of HIV and AIDS patients in Japan at just under 5,000. Kan sparked controversy in February when he broke his country's bureaucratic code of silence and admitted his ministry was at fault in a 1980s tainted blood scandal. Although resented as a troublemaker by the bureaucracy and drug companies affected by the scandal, the lifetime political activist gained fame as a rare example of an elected politician taking control of a ministry. Kan led an investigation that found documents that showed the ministry responsible for letting drug companies sell HIV-tainted blood products in the 1980s, even after the dangers of untreated blood products had begun to be reported in the United States. He apologized to hemophiliacs, some 1,800 of whom were infected with the HIV virus through unheated blood products. About 400 of those patients have died, activists say. Kan's move cleared the way for an out-of-court settlement to a seven-year-old legal battle between victims and the state and five pharmaceutical firms that sold the tainted products. High Level of HIV Found in Psychiatric Patients LONDON (Reuter) - Spanish scientists called for more effective strategies to prevent the spread of HIV among psychiatric patients whom they said should be considered a high-risk group for the virus that causes AIDS. Doctors at the Department of Psychiatry at San Carlos University Hospital in Madrid found a high level of HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus) infection in psychiatric patients admitted between September 1993 and April 1994. They tested blood samples of 390 patients for HIV-1 antibodies. All the patients were 18-59 years old and had been repeatedly admitted to the psychiatric unit. "The prevalence of HIV was 5.1 percent. Patients aged between 18 and 39 accounted for 63.4 percent of the admissions, and 75 percent of the positive results,'' they said in a statement issued in London. The doctors concluded that psychiatric patients with identified risk factors should be tested for HIV but routine testing of all such patients was not necessary. Their findings were presented to more than 3,500 psychiatrists attending a five-day international conference organised by the Royal College of Psychiatry. The London meeting coincides with the 11th International AIDS Conference in Vancouver, Canada, which opened Sunday. An estimated 21.8 million people around the world are living with the HIV virus or AIDS. Romanian Government Blasted for Ignoring AIDS Children BUCHAREST, Romania (Reuter) - Romanian health workers blasted their government for relying on foreign help to care for thousands of neglected children suffering from AIDS. "Romania has 54 percent of Europe's juvenile AIDS cases, but the Health Ministry and government are totally indifferent and ignore these poor souls, who are running out of time,'' said Manuela Canepescu of International Children's Services. Thousands of Romanian children were infected with the HIV-virus that leads to AIDS by contaminated blood and poor hospital hygiene during the last years of communism. "Romanian society bears responsibility for infecting 98 percent of more than 3,500 children with HIV through injections and transfusions between 1986 and 1989,'' said Canepescu, a Romanian official working for a British charity. "All that was done so far from the social point of view was done by foreign charities, with funds from abroad. It is time for Romanians to deal with the problem,'' Canepescu told a news conference. Some 1,250 children have died of AIDS already. Revolution and the execution of Stalinist dictator Nicolae Ceausecu in 1989 ended the taboo on discussing AIDS and lifted the lid on the horrendous state of Romanian health care. Harrowing television images of abandoned children slowly dying from AIDS in Romanian orphanages stunned the world and foreign medical charities rushed to provide care. Money poured in as charities like the Romanian Angel Appeal set up in 1990 by the wives of the Beatles and Elton John helped renovate squalid buildings housing AIDS children in Bucharest and the Black Sea port city of Constanta. Message Links AIDS and Poverty By Joanne Kenen VANCOUVER, British Columbia (Reuter) - The theme of the AIDS conference that just ended was "One World, One Hope,'' but for the first time, the delegates and scientists woke up to the fact that as far as AIDS is concerned, there are two worlds, one without much hope. Drugs can now buy time. Not everyone can buy the drugs. But to Dr. Peter Piot, head of the Geneva-based UNAIDS, a wake-up call, however belated, paves the way for action. "I was surprised it happened now - the differences between the developed and the developing world, with HIV and other disease, are not a new phenonemen,'' he told Reuters in an interview. "But that awareness is giving us momentum now, and we don't want to lose it,'' said Piot, adding that negotiations for price cuts and bulk sales have already started between some AIDS-struck nations like Brazil and certain big pharmaceutical companies, which he did not identify. "I'm not asking them to sell them for less than it costs to make it, including the research,'' he said. "I'm not Don Quixote.'' The new drug regimes hold out the hope of longer and healthier lives for people living with AIDS. But they also cost around $15,000 a year, underscoring the gap between rich countries and poor. Piot is encouraging clinical trials and "compassionate access'' programs in poor countries, where 90 percent of the nearly 22 million HIV-infected people live. Both would help people with AIDS get some access to cutting-edge therapies as well as to more affordable medicine for the painful and debilitating "opportunistic infections'' that plague them. Noting that there are many slightly different strains of HIV around the world, experts say international research makes sense scientifically as well as morally. The virus spread and adaptation is independent of geographic borders,'' said Deborah Birx of the U.S. Walter Reed Army Institute. "HIV research must be global.'' From a scientific point of view, the conference highlights were laboratory findings that have led doctors to believe that they may actually be able to conquer the complex virus that until now has always changed and mutated to stay a step ahead of them. From a human point of view, no one at the conference embodied the chasm between breakthroughs in a lab and the cold realities of life with AIDS better than Katherine Nyirenda, a 24-year-old HIV-infected mother of two who traveled here from Lusaka, Zambia. "One world, one hope? It (hope) is out for me,'' she said. ''Do not give the tests - if you do not give the treatment.'' Moved by her plight and chastised when she pointed out that she could feed her children to adulthood for the price of her airfare here, people in her audience took up a collection for her. But conference organizers pleaded with them to remember that there were millions of Katherine Nyirendas around the world. It would cost billions to get them anti-viral and protease inhibitor drugs. But researchers noted that there are some affordable weapons against a scourge that is infecting 8,500 people each day. Every one of those 8,500 infections is avoidable with safe and cheap means,'' said Dr. Michael Rekart, one of the conference co-chairs. Prevention no longer means just handing out condoms - though the most effective condom promotions are credited with saving literally millions of lives. The spread of AIDS from pregnant woman to baby can now be thwarted, and conference participants this week heard ample evidence about how the pandemic can be slowed by needle exchange programs for drug injecters and by treating other sexually transmitted diseases, which seem to make people both more vulnerable to HIV and more dangerously infectious to others. The conference also heard urgent calls for more work on a vaccine, particularly one that will work on the types of HIV common in Asia and Africa. That is the biggest market - but not the most lucrative one. And for the first time, there was a lot of attention paid to developing vaginal microbicides, foams, creams or gels that women can control. Microbicide research to date had been on the periphery of the AIDS debate, but it is now getting increased attention, partly because the epidemic is now spreading so ferociously among women. But some fear that progress in the first world could hinder it in the third, as treatment advances make richer countries feel less threatened. New AIDS Drugs Not Seen As Blockbuster Sellers By Richard Jacobsen VANCOUVER, British Columbia (Reuter) - New drugs that brought a ray of hope to an international AIDS conference here are not likely to turn into blockbuster sellers for the pharmaceutical companies that make them. Growing competition and a limited number of people able to pay for the drugs will keep their sales relatively modest, pharmaceutical industry analysts said. The 11th International Conference on AIDS was highlighted by study results showing multi-drug "cocktails'' with the new drugs - known as protease inhibitors - have driven HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, to undetectable levels in the blood of AIDS patients. "The euphoria is more for beating the disease than a $1 billion or $2 billion drug coming out,'' said Steven Lisi, an analyst with Metha and Isaly. Companies with recently marketed protease inhibitors - Merck and Co. Inc., Abbott Laboratories Inc. and Roche Holding Ltd. - all presented updated clinical trial results showing the drugs, in combination with older therapies, sharply cut levels of HIV. The protease inhibitors and the older therapies, known as nucleoside analogues, work by blocking different enzymes that are key to HIV's replication. Researchers said a combination of Abbott's protease inhibitor Norvir plus Glaxo-Wellcome Plc's AZT and 3TC left HIV virus undetectable in nine patients after up to about 43 weeks of treatment. Merck said its Crixivan with AZT and 3TC, which is licensed from Biochem Pharma Inc., kept HIV at undetectable levels in the blood of six of seven patients after 48 weeks of a trial. Norvir and Roche's protease inhibitor Invirase were also shown to be effective when used together. Scientists at the conference described the advances as a new chapter in the history of the battle against HIV. "I believe there is truly an excitement in the clinical area that we haven't seen in some time,'' said Martin Schechter, co-chairman of the conference. However, the researchers, along with industry analysts, were quick to note that the data were from a small pool of patients and from relatively short studies. A big question is for how long will the drug cocktails be effective. "There's no euphoria'' among investors, said independent analyst Hemant Shah. "I think people have more realistic expectations.'' Competition is one factor tempering excitement, analysts said. Along with the three protease inhibitors on the market others are coming from other companies, including Agouron Pharmaceuticals Inc. and Vertex Pharmaceuticals Inc. Lisi said he expected the drugs could have worldwide annual sales on average of about $400 million to $500 million each at their peak. CJ Lawrence analyst Mariola Haggar was more conservative, however, saying she saw sales of Crixivan, which was approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration in March, at about $200 million a year by the year 2000. "There's still a tremendous amount of scepticism in terms of how long this can continue,'' Haggar said of the positive trial data. If the drugs remain effective over longer periods, her sales estimates could prove to be low, she said. AIDS is spreading fastest in underdeveloped countries in Asia and Africa, where most victims cannot afford the new drug regimes, which in the United States can cost around $15,000 a year. "The market is growing rapidly, but people don't have any money to pay for the drugs,'' Shah said. International health and development officials said at the conference that they were looking into ways of improving poor countries' access to the latest drugs. Small Animal Model for HIV Dimentia Developed OMAHA, Neb., Aug. 28 /PRNewswire/ - Researchers at the University of Nebraska Medical Center (UNMC) in Omaha have created the first comprehensive small animal model for HIV dementia, a breakthrough that will enable first- time testing of anti-HIV compounds for their ability to penetrate the blood- brain barrier and effect what is often considered to be the most devastating consequence of HIV infection - the loss of mental and motor functions. The research study, reported in today's edition of the American Journal of Pathology, was headed by Dr. Howard Gendelman and Dr. Yuri Persidsky of UNMC. The project involved the development of an animal model system for studying the human immunodeficiency virus (HIV) in the brain by grafting HIV-infected cells into the brains of mice with severe combined immunodeficiency (SCID). During the later stages of HIV infection, the virus invades the brain in most AIDS patients, causing serious mental and motor deficits in about one- third of affected individuals. This stage, known as HIV dementia, is what AIDS patients fear the most, said Dr. Gendelman, and it can sometimes lead to blindness. "Without an effective animal model, we have been unable to develop drugs that will significantly penetrate the blood-brain barrier and treat HIV dementia," said Dr. Gendelman. "This animal model represents a major breakthrough, as the HIV dementia in the SCID mice is virtually indistinguishable from HIV infection in human brains. The present HIV medications are effective at eradicating the virus in most sites of the body. However, the brain has been the one exception. Because of the blood-brain barrier HIV medications have almost no effect once the virus finds its way to the brain." The three-year study was a collaborative effort involving scientists at UNMC, the University of South Carolina, the University of Rochester, and Glaxo Wellcome, the leading pharmaceutical company in the development of new therapies for HIV and AIDS. Another benefit of the animal model system is that it may have implications outside of HIV disease. Dr. Gendelman said the animal model also may be beneficial in furthering research on Alzheimer's disease, as brain inflammation is a common feature of both Alzheimer's and HIV. SOURCE: University of Nebraska Medical Center CO: University of Nebraska Medical Center; Glaxo Wellcome Research Into AIDS Vaccine Languishes By Cynthia Osterman VANCOUVER, British Columbia (Reuter) - The best hope of conquering AIDS lies in the development of a vaccine, but governments and drug companies are virtually ignoring this critical area of research, scientists said. After more than a decade of AIDS research, no vaccine has advanced to large-scale trials in humans and researchers believe the introduction of a vaccine is at least five years away and probably longer at the current pace of study. "It is a joke,'' said Donald Francis, a pioneer in AIDS virology at the Centers for Disease Control and now president of Genenvax Inc. which is working on a vaccine. "There is only one way you are going to stop this virus and that's with a vaccine... We need to do more,'' he said. Prospects for a vaccine will be hotly debated at the 11th International Conference on AIDS which starts Sunday in Vancouver. A new global effort to promote research into an AIDS vaccine will be launched Sunday in Vancouver with backing from the United Nations and the Rockefeller Foundation. Every day about 8,500 people worldwide are infected with the human immunodeficiency virus (HIV) that causes AIDS. Experts say prevention efforts like safe-sex education campaigns are worthwhile but are not enough to halt the spread. Vaccines, which produce immunity to a disease and have eradicated smallpox and made strides toward eliminating polio in recent decades, offer the best hope of a solution. "In the long run if we are going to have a substantial impact on the (AIDS) epidemic we have to look to...vaccines,'' said researcher David Ho of New York's Aaron Diamond Center. ''Science in this area is not progressing very rapidly. We have nothing to speak of today that could be used widely.'' Researchers blame slow progress so far in AIDS vaccines on a shortage of funding and hesitancy among drug companies. They say drug companies see uncertain profit prospects and potentially large liabilities if vaccines do not work. They also cite a lack of government leadership. Some experimental vaccines have shown promise in tests on monkeys or trials with relatively small groups of people, but governments and most big drug companies have been slow to move forward. "The need for a vaccine has never been greater, but...it doesn't seem to be a global priority,'' said New York AIDS activist David Gold. In the United States, vaccine study received less than eight percent of the $1.4 billion spent by the National Institutes of Health last year on AIDS research, said Dr. Margaret Johnston, scientific director of the International AIDS Vaccine Initiative. ``We think an effective vaccine is achievable but the pace is going to have to be accelerated.'' Disappointment about the lack of progress in vaccines contrasts with the current general mood of optimism over breakthroughs in AIDS treatment. New drugs introduced in recent months have shown remarkable success in reducing the amount of HIV virus in the blood to undetectable levels. But even if these advances ultimately lead to a cure for AIDS, the cost of such therapies at $12,000 to $16,000 a year will be out of reach for most of the world's population, particularly victims in the Third World. If developed, a vaccine would likely cost just a few dollars a person. Researchers estimate about 25 experimental vaccines are being investigated. Work so far has focused almost exclusively on the strains of the HIV virus that are prevalent in developed countries rather than those spreading rapidly in Asia and Africa where a vaccine is desperately needed. Genenvax hopes to begin large-scale human trials next year on a vaccine called gp120 based on a genetically engineered piece of the outer surface of the HIV virus. A vaccine by Pasteur Merieux of France, a unit of Rhone-Poulenc Rorer Inc., based on the canarypox virus is among those showing promise and researchers hope it will be ready for large-scale human tests in 1998. Other approaches include using vaccine combinations, chemically inactivated HIV, HIV genetic coding and live altered HIV. U.S. Says Drug Users Spread AIDS Among Heterosexuals By Mike Cooper ATLANTA, May 16 (Reuter) - U.S. intravenous drug users are continuing to develop AIDS and are spreading it to their heterosexual partners, accounting for most cases of the disease among women and heterosexual men, federal health officials said. The U.S. Centres for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) said that 85 percent of the 17,686 AIDS cases reported last year among heterosexual men and 66 percent of the 10,777 cases among women were linked to intravenous drug use. "That means that either they are intravenous drug users themselves or they are sex partners of intravenous drug users," said Dr. Allyn Nakashima, a medical epidemiologist for the CDC. AIDS cases among drug users are increasing at a rate of about 4 percent a year, the CDC said. But cases among the heterosexual partners of drug users rose 9 percent among women and 17 percent among men between the first half of 1994 and the same period in 1995. The CDC said that 35 percent of all of the 74,180 AIDS cases reported in 1995 year were associated with injecting-drug abuse, while male homosexual activity remained the biggest factor, accounting for most of the rest of the cases. "The bulk of the AIDS epidemic is still among gay men," Nakashima said. Half of the last year's AIDS cases linked to drug use occurred among blacks, 25 percent among whites and 24 percent among Hispanics, the CDC said. The racial disparity in AIDS cases associated with intravenous drug abuse has widened in recent years. "Back in 1988 we were seeing about a 12-fold difference in rates," Nakashima said. In 1995, the rate was about 14 times higher among blacks than among whites. "The rate is about 50 per 100,000 in blacks and 3.5 per 100,000 in whites," Nakashima said. Of a total 513,486 AIDS cases reported since the outbreak of the disease through the end of 1995, the CDC attributed 184,359 AIDS cases to the use of injected drugs. Of those, 161,891 were among the drug users themselves, 18,710 occurred among their heterosexual sex partners and 3,758 were children whose mothers were drug users or sex partners of drug users. Worried Britons Swamp Hotlines over HIV Test LONDON (Reuter) - Worried Britons swamped AIDS helplines with calls after hearing that one test for the deadly HIV virus had been withdrawn after manufacturers said it had produced false negative results. British health officials tried to justify their decision not to announce that the test had problems earlier and said many people had been unnecessarily worried. The Department of Health said a "small proportion'' of people who are HIV positive were falsely given negative results in the test manufactured by Chicago-based drug company Abbott Laboratories Inc., and 20,000 would have to be re-tested. Abbott stopped selling the test on March 25 after at least four cases were reported where the test showed negative results on patients known to have the HIV virus that causes AIDS. About two million of the tests have been sold worldwide since July 1995. The company said it was investigating the cause of the discrepancies and that its other tests were not affected. But British charities said they were angry that the news had leaked out just before the long Easter holiday weekend, when many hospitals and clinics would offer emergency services only. "We have had several calls from people who are obviously quite worried,'' said Susie Parsons of London Lighthouse, one of several AIDS charities in the capital. "We have heard from other organizations providing helplines saying they are getting calls.'' Parsons said her organization needed more clear information about what to tell worried callers. ``We would certainly have appreciated knowing as soon as the worries about the test results came out,'' she told BBC radio. "I think letting people know through the press in a panic over a bank holiday weekend is not the way to go about it.'' The health ministry defended its decision not to make the information public sooner. "We were planning to make the situation public next week when more detailed arrangements, including the arrangements that each local clinic would need, could be put into place,'' Graham Winyard, the government's deputy chief medical officer, told BBC radio. "This is a tiny, tiny problem. As I have said four cases in the entire world to our knowledge have produced this false negative result,'' Winyard said, adding that he "deeply regretted'' the situation. "This is only one of a number of tests used to test for HIV. Many labs will not be affected at all and even when the test has been used there are only a small number of these false negative results.'' Jangu Banatvala of the clinical virology unit at St. Thomas's Hospital in London, estimated that 20,000 to 40,000 people had had the suspect test since September but said the problem was a relatively small one. "It's only patients who have a particular antibody profile as a result of HIV infection,'' he told the BBC. Nick Partridge, chief executive of the Aids charity the Terence Higgins Trust, said that anybody who was wrongly tested as negative might be able to sue Abbott Laboratories. "The worst case that could happen is that a couple will have gone for testing, both of whom have been given a negative result but one of whom is actually positive. They could have cause for a legal case.'' Tokyo to Charge Doctor in AIDS Scandal TOKYO (Reuter) - Prosecutors are set to charge the former head of AIDS research in Japan with negligence for the deaths of hemophiliacs who were given HIV-contaminated blood products, Japanese media reported. The reports said the Tokyo District Public Prosecutors Office plans criminal charges against Takeshi Abe, former head of the Health Ministry's AIDS team, for using blood products that had not been heat-treated on patients despite medical reports that they may be tainted with the HIV virus. The Mainichi Shimbun said prosecutors may act before the end of the week. A spokesman for the prosecutors office and Abe had no comment on the reports. Abe has been under investigation since complaints filed against him by the family of a hemophiliac who received untreated blood products at the hospital where Abe worked. The patient died of AIDS in late 1991. The 80-year-old professor and specialist in hemophilia served as head of a Health Ministry research team set up in 1983 to investigate the source of mushrooming AIDS cases in Japan. Media reports have said Abe is believed to have influenced the team's conclusion in March of 1984 to favor use of untreated blood products, instead of a safer product, cryoprecipitate. Investigators believe they have enough evidence to prove Abe was aware of the risks of using unheated blood products in 1985, when the patient whose family complained was infected with the HIV virus, the Yomiuri Shimbun, a mass-circulation daily, reported. The expected action against Abe would be the latest development in the decade-long scandal in which over 2,000 hemophiliacs contracted HIV, the human immunodeficiency virus which can cause AIDS. Osaka public prosecutors last week raided the offices of Green Cross Corp, a blood supply company, and questioned former company president Renzo Matsushita, who is accused of negligence in the death of a patient from AIDS. The Health Ministry, after maintaining for years it could not find key documents, in February made public files from a 1983 study group which indicated health authorities were aware of the danger of HIV infection from untreated blood products. In March, Japanese hemophiliacs accepted an out-of-court settlement in which the plaintiffs agreed to a one-time payment of $424,000 each, putting an end to a seven-year legal battle against the state and five pharmaceutical firms. Recent health ministry figures show that there are 1,154 people with AIDS and 2,942 infected with the HIV virus in Japan, a nation of 123 million. About 400 hemophiliacs have already died from AIDS and AIDS-related complications, activists say. prose ...from autumn reason by sydney anderson 7-2-82 10:00 p.m. I took care of the neighbor's kids today. They're so cute, but I was feeling a little tired so I wasn't in the mood for them jumping around all day long. But we colored and made some pictures, they both made ones for you. By the time you read this letter, you should already have the pictures. Ellen, their mom, melted down old crayons and poured them into bunny molds, so now we have a bunch of crayons that are shaped like rabbits. The kids love them. And I've been playing with my zen rock garden, too... I've had it ready for a while, but I never got sand for it. Well, I finally did today, and once I started to use it I loved it, so I learned how to use Dad's saws and made you one, too (but you already know that by now, too - I really hope you like it. It's quite addictive, and slightly creative - very relaxing). When I called Susan later on I told her that I made one and she said that she had always wanted a rock garden, so I made another one this evening. I feel like such a busybody. Let's see, what else is going on? There's still a bunch of things I have to do. See a professor about getting a job as a history professor... I don't know if I want to move to another city to do a job I'm not even sure that I want, much less can get. I wish I had other options. I wish I could get on track. Sometimes I know what I want to do with my life, and I'm determined to let nothing stop me. But there are other times when I feel as if the entire world is pitted against me, that others don't want to see me happy specifically because they don't know what they want to do with their lives and they want to feel like everyone is in the same boat as they are. They want everyone to work in the same mind-set that they do, because they can only compete in their little world. If someone doesn't want to climb their little success ladder that they chose to climb up, others can't handle it because they don't want to believe that their standard is wrong. It's like this: people don't know what they want with their life, so they do what is expected of themselves, climb the "ladder" of whatever career track they choose, mix in the appropriate social circles, work toward making money, even if they don't know if that's what they want and doing it doesn't make them feel any better. So then they see someone else that has decided to not even acknowledge the ladder that the people with no direction have decided to climb because they don't know what else to do. And this other person won't have as much money or as many friends as these ladder-climbers do, so it becomes really easy for the ladder-climbers to dismiss them and unsuccessful - and therefore they must be unhappy. But I think that these ladder-climbers don't want to admit to themselves that they are jealous of these people that have found what they wanted with their life. But in order to achieve their dreams (if they even chose to acknowledge them consciously), the ladder-climbers would have to give up their social circles, their prestige, probably some of their money. And they're too afraid of not succeeding, because they're only comfortable with the efforts that they have been putting forth in their ladder-climbing lives, they're so afraid of not succeeding and losing what they already have that they don't see the effort as worth it. So they hold a resentment toward someone they see as a visionary - someone who does what they want with their life. So then what? They make fun of them for not having enough money, for having no friends. They may even try to sabotage the plans of the creative one, solely because their value systems don't match. It's amazing how people need a mob in order to have a belief in something. Shouldn't that be evidence enough that they really don't care about their beliefs, if they need the support from others in order to live with those beliefs? Anyway, my point from all of that was... Well, I'm no visionary, and I haven't decided to chuck the whole system into the toilet. But I do want to use the system for my own needs, so that I may be able to do what I want to with my life, whether or not that fits in with what people expect. And I think that scares every person I meet, and I think others resent me for that, and I feel like all these artificial barriers are put up in front of me so that I may get discouraged and quit. And the thing is, I know what kind of work I want to do, but I'm wondering if and how I can do it. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't even try, like the odds are against me. And I have to try to fight that. It's a constant battle. 7-6-82 11:35 p.m. I wished we lived in the same city. I really do. I wish we could see each other all the time, that we didn't have to deal with calling each other on Thursday nights or that I wouldn't have to pull strings so that you could stay over for a night or two. It's a pain in the ass. Okay, not that I'm not willing to do it, it's just that it's a pain. Although if I was with you I would probably bicker with you all the time, wouldn't I? This is a thought, now, really - are we compatible? Or are we at each other's throats all the time? Now that I think about it, I don't think it's really that bad. I think we come out ahead in the end when we're together. So I just got a new word processor from Rob, and it's great. I can do not only a spelling check but also a grammar check. I can pull out a thesaurus if I'm stuck on a word. I've already checked, they don't have "fuck" or "shit" in the spell check or the thesaurus. Wait - I wonder if they have "penis." Let me check. Of course they didn't have it, but they had "penetration." Let me see what they have in store for that word. Well, that sucked. All they had was "entrance." Poo poo to that. Thumbs down. Definitely down. Wait - there's an idea. I'll look up "poo poo." Here goes... No, of course not. This is no fun. They don't have any good words. bulging: projecting, protruding, obtrusive, protruding... How about "thrust": drive, ram, plunge, lunge, surge, burst, explode... wow, this is starting to get fun. I'll just see where this lil' ol' thesaurus takes me... desire: hunger, longing, appetite, craving, urge, want, lust, passion, fire, carnality, pleasure, rapture, pant, infatuation, affection, attachment, fondness, love. Wait, That ended on too mushy a note. I'm going to look up carnality and start again from there. carnality: gratification, sensuality, sex, intercourse, copulation, climax, ejaculation, exclamation, cry, shout, howling (I"m not making this up, I swear, I'm just typing the list they're giving me), discharge (Oh, gross!!!), fulfillment, satisfaction, performance. Whew. I'm quitting there, I'm a bit worn out. So, how are you doing with the book I gave you? Are you enjoying it at all? I hope so. I look at the main characters and I just think they're so respectable, they're almost inhuman for they don't ever seem to go against the value system they set up for themselves. That's the only thing that makes it unreal for me. It's somewhat hard to believe that these characters stick so solidly to their value system when most people I know don't even have a value system. Rather, they claim to have a value system, but don't live by it at all. I want to feel like those main characters do, but sometimes I feel like I'm just going to break down against all the pressure. You know, there was a man I knew once, he was the type of guy that tried to have sex with as many women as possible, a real sexist womanizer type, and one day we were talking about the fact that he's a republican, and he's so conservative, and then he said he was a good Christian and that he prays every night before he goes to bed. And all I could think was that this this guy was such a hypocrite for sleeping with anything that moved, then praying to his God every night before he went to bed. I wanted to ask him if he prayed in front of all the women he was usually sleeping with, but instead I asked that if he believed in Jesus Christ, how could he justify having sex before marriage? Then he proceeded to tell me that nowhere in the Bible does it say you can't have sex before marriage. And the moral of that story, I guess, is that people can justify anything they want when they don't live by a cohesive value system. This guy managed to pervert his values and the wording of the Bible in order to go against the vast majority of the Christian interpretations of the Bible in order for the value system he decided to adopt to jive with what he wanted to do at any given moment. So I really want to do something now, I really want to feel as if I'm accomplishing something with my life. I feel like I'm in such a heavy state of limbo that I'm going to just fall off the face of the Earth and no one would be the wiser. I hate that phrase, "no one will be the wiser," but I just used it. I'm so ashamed. Anyway, I said something to Susan about you going back to school in the fall, and then we both made a really weird laugh. We've been so ingrained with the idea that we've graduated that it just seems so foreign to think about taking more university classes in the fall. I know I'll be there all the time, doing work there, going out and all that jazz, but it's just weird to think about going back as a full time student. I'm even thinking about being a teacher there, or at least at another university, instead of doing what I'm doing now, so that would definitely keep me back in the university system. But being a student again - it just seems so out of the question. I just used another phrase I hate, and once again I'm ashamed. "All that jazz." What does that really mean anyway? And why on Earth did I feel compelled to use it? Now this has got me thinking about all the strange phrases we use in our every day language. "What on Earth." "The whole ball of wax." "A hill of beans." Someone's probably written about book about these things. Speaking of books on useless things, remember how I wanted to know why women's shirts button the opposite way men's do? Well, Catherine pulled out a book she had about useless facts and in there it explained why men's shirts button differently from women's. Men at the time buttoned their own shirts, especially if they were going off to war, but rich women had maids to dress them, which wanted the buttons the opposite way to make it easier for them to dress the ladies. Interesting. And did you know that zippers were invented to replace not buttons but shoelaces? Very strange. Well, I've gone on long enough. I'll write more soon - p.s. I hate to tell you this, but today little Jeanine from next door said you have a funny name. I don't know how cool "Jeanine" is for a name, but I think you're pretty cool. 7-11-82 You know, I don't even know if I would want to teach at a university, live on a campus, in a campus town. I mean, I like living in a big city... But it's more than that. I went through the university system, I learned about being politically correct, I supported women's groups and minority groups - I even took part in protests and rallies. But I start thinking about how giving special rights to certain groups takes away rights from other groups, even if those other groups are while men. And then I start thinking about how people in these groups blame a whole group for the problems of society, and in turn prejudge everyone and assume they're bad. And then I start thinking about how most people in these groups are scorned people - scorned by the system - and yes, the system is often pitted against some people - but maybe the answer is that internal struggle, learning to accept yourself and not fight these enemies - enemies that are not only real but also that are created. Maybe the answer shouldn't be a fight against everyone else. I mean, if people want to fight you, that's their problem, but it's your life, and you have a right to live it. Don't bother spending your life telling everyone to let you live your life. Maybe these groups, this separation, maybe the political action on the parts of women and minorities makes people too angry all the time. Maybe these groups actually make people mare antagonistic toward one another. Maybe they remind people of our differences more than we need to. Maybe it's a matter of giving the people running these rallies more power, making it an internal power kick instead of an issue of empowering the entire group they represent. It seems like a noble things to do on the surface. I see the benefit of supporting women's rights, minority rights, etc. I did it myself for years. And who did fighting the system help more? The system, or me? 7-16-82 1:00 p.m. osculate is the word for kiss, right? I looked it up in my handy-dandy word processing thesaurus and found it. It looks like oscillate. Hmmm.... I saw you last night and I wanted to let you know that every time we have a discussion that borders on an argument it seems like I'm badgering you. I'm not, I'm really not, you sometimes seem like you're profusely apologizing when that's not what I'm concerned with. I never expect an apology from you. When I tell you something, it's just to let you know how I feel. I'm not telling you you have to change. Does that make any sense? It's just that if I tell you how I feel about something, it's just to let you know where I'm coming from, not to make you feel bad or make you apologize or make you feel like you have to change. You don't have to change. I love you. I'll write to you later. 7-23-82 2:45 p.m. hi, i'm back, and i've decided not to use any capital letters in this letter. i'm such a rebel. anyway... catherine's such a bitch it's absolutely amazing. now i remember why i didn't want to live with a roommate. i hate finances, i wish i could just go off somewhere and live and not have to worry about money. i'd be anywhere other than here if i had that luxury. she's so petty it makes me sick. she lays claim on furniture we bought together, and guess what? she'll probably never move anywhere because she has no initiative and no independence. and when i move on, and do something with my life, she'll resent me so much for making her either find another roommate or live independently that she'll fight me tooth-and-nail for things that I am just as much entitled to as she is. and i have to deal with this. why? and the thing is, half of me would want to say it's not worth the effort, that she is not worth fighting with, and that the price of half of the furniture would be a small price to pay to keep her away from me. but then again, she doesn't deserve to win this kind of petty battle solely because she is aggravating. i got your letter a few minutes ago. once again you write such gushy stuff that I'm overwhelmed. i don't think i know how to write gushy stuff. i'll leave all that up to you. keep up the good work. i don't want to be here. i don't want to work for pennies at a mindless job. i don't want to have to hate my home. i don't want to be bored off my ass. i don't want to be alone. god, i'm the cheerful one today. kelly wants me to go to the outlet store with her to pick up the candles and plates for her party. we'll probably talk about you. rather, i'll try to get a word in edgewise about you while she rambles on and on about her wedding (wedding should have been in capital letters to stress the importance of "the wedding," but because i'm being a rebel i refrained from the use of said capital letters). i know, I'm being strange. geez, I'm being depressing. sorry. i'll try not to be so. it's hard though, when i'm here, and when you're there. but more importantly, when i'm here. i hate this. at least i have my computer here. but right now i'm trying to do something with a program and it's not working. i'm getting frustrated. i had a dream last night that i was out on the patio with catherine and i had a shotgun, or a pellet gun or something. we were complaining about animals running all over the driveway, so i aimed for a cat across the public pool. i don't know if i hit it or not, but it jumped into the pool, started bouncing around in the water, then bounced out of the water, over my head and under the fence off the patio. it was the scariest thing i've dreamed in a long time. catherine woke me up as it bounced off the patio. she started blaring the television in the other room and woke me up. i was hyperventilating for a bit. it was very strange. i don't know what it meant. but we went to garage sales today. i didn't find any books for you, but i got a couple books for me - a dr, seuss, a freud, 1984, carnegie's novel, an old dating etiquette book (that should be fun), and a sex book. wait - i'll get the sex book out now. it's called "everything you always wanted to know about sex." good name, i suppose. i'll just randomly turn to a page...oops, that was on male homosexuality. i'll turn to another page...birth control. geesh, i'm picking all the fun topics randomly, now, aren't i? oops, this paragraph said that one couple when out of condoms once used saran wrap for a condom. now, i can't imagine anyone wanting anything so badly that they were willing to wrap their anatomy in clear plastic wrap. oops, kelly just called and told me to come over so we could do the shopping scene. so... 8-23-82 I hope you really care for me as much as you say you do. Once or twice before I thought someone felt deeply about me, and they showed me I was wrong. I don't want you to do that to me. Sometimes I feel doubtful. Catherine was telling me I should see other people, or at least not rule out other people, because this is now a long distance relationship. It reminds me of a long distance relationship that went foul really quickly. I didn't like that, not at all. I just read one of the letters I sent him. It was so sappy, it was starting to sound like one of the letters I send you. That frightened me. I wonder if this relationship will end as abruptly as his did with me. I don't want you to do that to me. I have put so much trust into you, so much caring. I don't want you to take that lightly. Yeah, you talk about marriage. So did he. He sweet talked me, swept me off my feet. You don't know how much I cried when I lost him. Granted, it wasn't love. I suppose it was some sort of infatuation, but I wanted it to be more than that. I thought that was what he wanted, too. Maybe he was frightened of having a long distance relationship when his last one ended with his fiancee having an affair with his best friend on the other side of the country. Maybe he just didn't like me as much as he thought he did. Yes, what's done is done. But I just cringe every once in a while when I think that you could do that to me too. Why not? You have years of school ahead of you, I have life stuck here. Where would we live? How would we match our lives so that everything actually worked out? Now, I'm not trying to talk you out of trying, although that's probably what it's sounding like. I just want you to make sure you know what you're saying when you say that you want to spend the rest of your life with me. Don't toy with my emotions, so to speak. I don't think I could handle it if your were doing that. But don't think I'll go psycho if you did turn around and break up with me, don't get a cocky head or anything, just remember that it would hurt. So... What am I saying? I have no idea. Don't break up with me, I suppose. Either that or just constantly remind me about how much you care for me. And mean it. Oh, I'm sorry for all that. It probably sounds really stupid. I just get insecure and lonely here. Alone. Without you. 8-24-82 Here I am again, bored. It's still the first day, and I hate looking like I have nothing to do here. I have my own office and no one else is in it right now, but I'm afraid that someone will walk by and see my feet up on the desk and fire me or something. Geesh. I wish I brought some work from home to do while I was here. I wonder if this is what careers are really like - a lifetime of trying to find something to do so you look important. All this time I'm sitting here trying to figure out what photographs to bring tomorrow to put up on the wall in front of me, should I bring frames for them, how will I put them up on the wall.... I really can't believe I'm sitting here trying this hard to do absolutely nothing. I'm starting to worry that this is actually what people do for all of their lives. That their occupation is trying to look important, or busy. Worthy of a raise when they're really not doing anything. This one guy, Tom, told me once that the trick to being respected at the office is to always look angry, always look like you're in a rush, that you always have a lot to do. Put extra papers on your desk, make it a little messy, always have stuff in your "in" box (even if it isn't work to do), always remember to make a phone call or jot down a very important reminder when someone is trying to talk to you. Always make everyone wait to talk to you - even if it is just for ten seconds - while you attend to some sort of made-up "business" - whether it be finishing up a fake phone call or writing something "very important" down. Act like you have to get up to do something, even if it's only getting coffee. And always have a furrowed brow. Sigh a lot, try to look a little tired, or a little sick (that way you are thought of as a "trooper" for coming into the office even when you're not feeling well). People think that you have so much work to do that they want to give you time off, even when they don't know what you're doing. And neither do you. Urgh. Is that what life is all about? I can't believe that this person actually thought this way, that this friend of mine had actually put that much effort into trying to look like you're doing something when you're actually doing nothing. Don't you think that's a problem to actually get to that point? But I think I'm starting to get to that point too. I don't want that for myself. I want to do something I like. I'm driven, and I can't live like this. Or does this just happen when nothing else in your life works for you, and you finally get tired of striving for dreams that never seem to come true? I remember having a teacher in high school and he seemed really smart, but it just seemed like he got so tired of the screaming student, and trying to make kids care, that he always walked a little slower, never smiled, just gave us our work to do and then went to his desk to finish his work. And I remember thinking then that he was burnt out on the school system, that he tried for so long to make a difference, but faced one too many kids who just didn't care. And now he's like a robot, making almost no impact on anyone's lives. Including his own. Is this what everyone else in the world ends up like? There's this 8x10 of Oliver North tacked to the wall above my computer. Working here is going to be fun, I can just tell. Jared, the vice president here, shares the office with me. He's got all these pictures of himself in golf leagues. It reminds me of what my dad's office used to look like when I was little. It's strange. And there are all these newspaper clippings of his son, Steve, who used to be in a minor league baseball team. Now he works here with his dad, and he sure as hell doesn't look like an athlete (but then again, baseball players aren't really athletes, they're more like spitting crotch-scratchers, right?). They're going to love the things I put on my walls, aren't they? Anyway... I just talked to Jared, asking him if I can take a half hour break instead of an hour break, so I can leave at 4:30 instead of 5 and get to my other job on time. That would be nice. He said it was fine, but he didn't seem to be in a very good mood when I talked to him. You know, working for Jared and William (William is the head honcho, Jared is the vice president and the "next" head Honcho), is like working for two people that act just like my dad. Two dads, where I work, when I still have one dad that I have to deal with in my own family. Thank goodness there are all women for my superiors at my second job! And thank goodness that the two dads at work don't complain that I use the phone too much, or wear too much make-up, or that I have a boyfriend, or that I don't look happy, or WHATEVER. Well, I just got a call with some information I needed, so I'm going to actually do some work right now. Talk to you soon - 8-24-82 They're going to let me go at 2:30 so I can drive back to town and get the cable that they need for the scanner. 45 minutes away. Maybe I'll read about the credit union for a bit. Well, from what I've read, I don't really want to bother changing my checking account. The differences aren't that great when you consider that I have no charges to my account since it's in joint with my savings. But the credit card does look like a good idea. I decided a while ago that I'm going to cancel all of my credit cards that have any annual fee on them. Hey, that just reminded me that I have to buy new checks. I want some marbleized effect on my checks or something a bit more stately, thank you very much. I have to look into it tonight when I get home. Now, promise me you won't complain anymore about the fact that I never write you. I don't like writing for the most part, but typing I can seem to do forever. Especially when it makes me look like I'm working. I'll probably be able to print up a lot of letters for you, even if I can't type them here, if I don't have the time (I can still type them at home). Now you'll be inundated with letters, you poor boy, and you'll regret the day you told me I didn't write enough. Well, before I leave here I'm going to try to see if I can apply for that credit card over the phone. Then I can do it here and I don't have to worry about filling out more forms and waiting even longer. I'm not a very patient person, you know. Well, I'm going to clean the office. The secretary (Sally) is a really cool lady, and everyone here is just like, "well, I wish there was something for you to do... well, do whatever you can to keep busy." She said I can use the printer now. I'll straighten up here, call the credit union again about the credit card, and then... go. I love you, honey. I'll love to get a picture of you here, so I can feel like you're my family that I go home to in the evenings. Well, you're not, but let me think of you that way. I love you- 8-25-82 Hola, my beefy burrito of manliness. I think my writing you letters while I'm at work is going to become a big-time habit. I've discovered that the version of the program they have that they have here is so outdated that you can't even change the size of type that you put in it. When you're trying to make a brochure that's supposed to look good, then little details like that matter. Someone just walked in. I get really freaked out when someone comes in, I don't want them to think that I'm slacking. I'm going to bring in two new versions of the program they have here tomorrow, but until then, there's not much I can do (their version and my versions of the program aren't compatible, so it's pointless for me to work with their program today). Two months ago this morning I found a dozen roses and a birthday present on my car seat for my birthday. I love you. Hi. It's now 3:55. I've been a little more busy today than I was yesterday (thank goodness), but I still have plenty of time to write. I want to go take a picture with you at a portrait studio. Okay, if you think it's a dumb idea, fine, but I still think it would be nice to have a nice picture of the two of us to have around. Jared's phone always rings, the secretary always transfers the line to his office, but he's never here, so I have to sit in here by myself and listen to the very loud ringer on his phone ring all the time. It drives me nuts. And they tell me that Jeff (the salesman that is also in this room but is on vacation this week) is a very loud talker - that if he's on the phone, I may as well not even think about using the phone myself. For a person who likes her privacy and peace and quiet when she works, I can tell this is going to be a pain. But alas, I shouldn't complain, at least I have a full time job where I have enough privacy that I can sit and write you long pointless letters most of the time. The woman that I'm doing most of the work with for the brochure is cool. I wish I could remember her name, but she's cool. I'm starting to learn the names of different types of saws by playing with their pictures. My nephew, who loves all sorts of gadgets and construction stuff, would be proud. When I got the job, all he cared about was the catalogs that I got. No, actually, he was happy for me that I got the job, but I think it was partially so that he could have someone else to talk to about saws and mixers and other cool stuff like that. I called Ron during my lunch break. He said he'd look up your new number. I gave him the address, but I didn't have the new number on me. He's going to be in Naperville Wednesday and Thursday, so I'll probably see him Thursday night. So now that I've talked about myself at great lengths, how the hell have you been lately? You know that I worry about you constantly. I don't think you have to worry about finding a future for yourself. It'll happen. Just believe in yourself for once and you'll be amazed at what you can do. The more I was thinking about it, the more I came to this conclusion: Tony Stevens has a pretty perfect life. You know who I'm talking about, my old professor who had that part-time business running...I don't know why that popped in my head, but it did. But this is why I think his life is perfect: he's got s good job teaching, he likes what he does and he's good at it. He's got a nice suburban home (pretty decent size, you know) and a pretty wife. He works at his little business on the side, he's young. Good deal, I say. And driving around in the slums on the west side makes me want to live in a smaller town. Anyway, I'm going to close this letter, I'll write more tomorrow, I'm sure (unless they actually figure out what I'm supposed to be doing here). I love you- Ah, crap. It's 4:40, and I still have nothing to do. I have a ton of crap to do at home, but nothing to do here. I talked to Susan because I was bored. She said we just got our diplomas in the mail today. Great. I called in at my second job to see if they still needed me there tonight. They do. Great. It's Thursday night, I should be at a club dancing, but instead I'll be working at my second job. Great. Well, I'm starting to get worried that someone is going to come in here and see that I'm typing a personal letter, although I think everyone has pretty much left. I think I'm one of the few people here that actually is supposed to stay until 5. Oh well. I'm really going this time - I love you - SAMMY by d. castleman Sammy was about four hundred pounds of amiable blubber, tall as a windmill and clumsy as a colt, and Sammy always tried to do the right thing. When Paul and Marilyn were dating, and later when they were actually engaged to be married, and when their parents were so unsympathetic to the match because she was Catholic and he was Jewish and she was years older, Sammy tried in his feckless ineffectual manner so very hard to smooth everybody's feelings and to placate everybody. Unfortunately, Sammy's best attempts served only to anger everybody at his own expense and to appease nobody. Paul was my closest friend in high school and for a small while after, and though we were too young and too callow ever to explore our psyches together, yet we spent much thoughtless and innocent time together. We dated together many times, he with Marilyn and I with whomever happened to be my love interest at the moment. And sometimes just the three of us would go to the movies or to the beach, and we spent long evenings just watching the television together. After a while they had decided that it was pointless to subject themselves to their parents' constant bickerings and howlings of remonstrance, so they'd moved into an apartment together and we three spent much time there. Once upon a time a day appeared when they decided that marriage was the thing. Of course the news was anathema to each of their parents and to each of their siblings, but Paul and Marilyn had grown accustomed to a relentless disapproval and heeded none of the outcry. Announcements were made and mailed concerning a civil ceremony and on the day appointed we all converged inside the old courthouse in San Rafael. The presiding judge was a pleasant Jewish fellow, which may have pleased Pauls' parents a bit, but which certainly did nothing to assuage the feelings of Marilyn's parents. Her proud father, watching his baby being ripped from her family by Christ's murderers and their accomplices, cried openly and inconsolably. Paul's mother was a proud and indomitable martinet with a Medusa's glare, cuddly as a basilisk. Paul's family and friends lined one wall of the courthouse chamber, and glared carnivorously at Marilyn's family and friends who lined the opposing wall, exchanging glare for glare mercilessly. Of all of those sixty or so folks who were present, I noticed that only a few seemed to have been spared the disease of hatred, and only a few of those few noticed what the atmosphere meant, and portended. I stood near the judge and the betrothing couple, and the ceremony was performed. Fortunately I hadn't misplaced the ring and I was conscious enough to surrender it at the proper moment. Everywhere was a great gnashing of teeth and a wringing of hands, and everywhere tears and wailing. The poseurs believed in their poses. The ambience was excruciating, as if everybody were moving and speaking underwater or in flames. Across town and across the street from that newish and New York Jewish delicatessen called so cleverly, The Delicate Essence, was a restaurant whose name has been changed so frequently that I cannot now recall what it was called then, and to this restaurant everybody repaired for the wedding reception and its early buffet. We carried our atmosphere with us and we were led into a set of large rooms with an open bar and buffet, and with a large set of tables in one unobtrusive corner. Still the two tribes held aloof and still they glared at each other, each remaining so intransigently in its allotted righteousness. Hatred was. Sammy decided to be amiable, and Sammy discovered the cache of champagne and appropriated a bottle and a glass, and Sammy began his appointed rounds through the bitter groupings. To the closest person he strolled and he stood immediately before that person until that person acknowledged him. Then he smiled at his target and he chatted calmly and he filled each of their glasses with champagne. He brought his glass up to his lips and he poured its contents into his throat, he smiled again, and he walked on to the next person. He repeated the performance continually, sometimes interrupting his progress to fetch another bottle, and then returning precisely to where he had left off. Tension remained critical despite Sammy's ministrations with the bubbly, and still Paul's mother held bitter court at the dining table, attended by friends and by some very quiet husbands. She was attired like a matron empress, with a low cut gown from which her voluminous bosom protruded with a cleavage as ample as that more famous Grand Canyon, and her back leaned forward from her chair so the chair wouldn't wrinkle her fine gown whose couturer's name was known to every woman in the room. Her hair was newly styled into a rising mass that sat like a pterodactyl's nest atop her noggin. Her jewelry had small names. Marilyn's father approached me as I stood apolitically on the rim of the crowd, and as he approached I could see that he was still crying and I felt sorry for the man. Projecting myself into the future, I could imagine how I would feel had I an only daughter I had loved since birth, a daughter to whom I had said things I could never say to anybody else, and had she married whom I considered to be some Caliban who had been hatched of the earth's sewage. When he arrived at me he stopped and he focused and I could see that in his mind the whole world had disappeared and only he and I remained. His eyes swam out of their tears while he focused. "You mysogonist animal," he said, and he swung about and walked away without retreating. From across the room Paul's mother glared at me malignantly, both for consorting with an enemy and in utter agreement with her enemy. I could see that Sammy had finally achieved his way to her and that he was humbly, patiently, and smilingly waiting for her to acknowledge his presence, as he held his liquid gift toward her. She felt his presence beside her and she glared up into his half-lidded eyes. His knees sagged for just a moment and he slammed his knees up into a locking position, and he smiled down on her. She said something cruel and sharp and he reacted as if he'd been soundly slapped, and again he smiled benignly. He leaned forward over her and his mouth opened and instantly he vomited magnificently onto her. Instantly she was drenched as if by a burning acidic lava and it rolled cascading down her back and it gushed and bubbled from the depths of her intimidating cleavage and along her lap and down her legs and onto her shoes. Her proud hair hung in rags or swung in ropes runningly, and she was wiping at her eyes and her foamy mouth was sputtering as she lurched to her feet like an enraged and wounded mastodon. Paul and I raced to Sammy and we carried, pushed, and urged him outside the restaurant to where my car was parked, where we tucked him snoringly. When we returned his mother was gone and the emergency seemed almost forgotten. Tension was gone and animosities were gone and everybody was mingling nicely. I did not see Marilyn's father. The Pope and The President Ed Hamilton When I was a baby I had blonde hair and blue eyes, and cute little fat cheeks-just like lots of babies. Also, just like a lot of babies, people were always picking me up-just snatching me up from the floor (where I was minding my own business)-and hugging me, snuggling me up to their old, repulsive faces. Either that, or else they'd reach down swiftly, and before I could do anything, they'd pinch my fat little cheek, and hold on, shaking my jowls back and forth, for as long as they damn well pleased. And all the while they'd be gushing some rot about how good, or pretty, or well behaved I was. I felt this to be extremely patronizing. For you see, I was a rather precocious child. I didn't like being called a baby. And, though now I no longer understand the appeal, I wanted to be an adult. By God, I could discuss the president-who was Kennedy-and the Pope, whoever the hell he was at the time. I always wore a suit too, or at least a tie. All my clothes had to be green: that was my favorite color, still is. I was one eccentric little son of a bitch. Anyway, to get back to the matter at hand, I had thought long about this problem, as long as a four year old has time to, and I had decided upon my course of action. I was just waiting for a test case. Finally it came. I was sitting with my parents in a restaurant-King Fish, I think, since that was the only restaurant we ever went to. Of course I had on my best green suit, complete with tie. Though I could barely see over the table, I was feeling very adult. "Who's the boss, the pope or the president?" I asked my father. "What do you mean?" "The Pope is the boss of religion, right?" "Right." "And the president is the boss of the country. So which one is the boss of the other?" "Uh, what do you think?" "Well," I reasoned, "since religion is higher than the country, I think the Pope must be the boss of the president." "Hmmm. It doesn't exactly work that way." "Then how does it work?" "Er...uh..." my father stammered, "It's very complicated." Ha! So he didn't know. And neither did my mother, whom I had asked earlier. This served to reconfirm my feelings of intellectual superiority over the adults around me. While my father and I were having this penetrating intellectual discussion, up came the waitress to take our order. The waitress had a big, tall bun of blond hair on her head, and a face gooped with pancake makeup and mascara. She was smacking on a big mouthfull of gum. Horrible. I wanted to hide under the table. As soon as she laid eyes on me she squeeled, "Oh what a cute little baby!" My parents were grinning like idiots; as usual they thought it was all a big joke. Good parents would have intervened to put a stop to the matter right then and there. The waitress was moving around the table towards me. I could just feel her about ready to go for my cheek. She had sharp red claws on her fingers. But this time I was ready, and I stopped her right in her tracks. I said, "Lady, I'm a midget." The waitress was dumbstruck: now she didn't know what to think. My parents laughed the matter off, assuring her I was only kidding, but clearly, they were embarrassed. With any luck, I felt, they had learned their lesson, and would refrain from putting me in such uncomfortable situations in the future. a microcosm of society {short story by janet kuypers} No one appeared in the back half of the courtroom. Thoughts raced through Steven Kohl's mind as his eyes darted across the room. How did this happen? Was he really to blame? Will the jury members decide whether there is enough evidence against him to warrant a trial? Why are there cuts on his hands? Why can't he remember the last three weeks of his life? Steve thought he might wake up soon, and discover that none of this had ever happened. That he wasn't trying to defend himself. That Erica wasn't dead. He shifted in his chair. The wet cotton of his shirt collar burned against his neck. Like the branches of the trees in the ravine where Erica was found, the wool of his suit scratched his legs, his hands. He wanted to wipe the sweat from his forehead, but he was afraid that he would seem too nervous to the jury if he moved. He wanted to run out of the courtroom, stand in the February snow and feel his tears freeze as they rolled down his face. He looked over at the papers in front of his lawyer. The names Stonum, Smith and Manchester embossed the top of the page. Steve couldn't bring himself to look at Stonum's face. Stonum's face was chiseled and sharp. There was no room for emotion, unless closing remarks in a case called for a strong emotional appeal. The same thought kept going through Stonum's head: this boy couldn't remember who he was, much less where he was, for the last three weeks of his life. When Stonum suggested that Steve go to Dr. Litmann for a psychological examination, Steve broke down. He told Stonum that his cocaine use became daily about six weeks ago, and he started mixing drugs shortly before he lost his memory. It was the beginning of the fourth day. The prosecutor stood. "I would like to call to the stand a Miss Kathleen O'Connor." Stonum jumped. "We have testimony from a Doctor Litmann, with whom she has been seeking therapy, that Miss O'Connor should not be able to testify in this case. I submit his report to you, your Honor, which outlines the fact that Miss O'Connor has been known to compulsively lie and that her perception of the truth is often distorted. We believe that it would be inappropriate and possibly detrimental if Miss O'Connor testified." The testimony for the case was beginning to rely on character witnesses, and because no specific reason was mentioned for having Kathleen O'Connor testify, the judge said he would review the report and decide whether or not to allow her to testify the next day. Kathleen looked at Doctor Litmann seated next to her, then bowed her head. Her letters to him were in a pile on his lap. She stood up, adjusted her dress and solemnly walked away. Dr. Litmann stared at the chair where she had sat. When he gained the strength, he looked at the letter at the top of the pile. Dear Doctor Litmann: I just had a session with you, and you asked me to start writing letters to a friend every day so that I could start to open myself up and understand myself more. Well, I don't have any friends. I don't know if I'll ever let you see these letters, but I'll write them to you. You were asking me about my childhood in session today. Do all doctors ask about a person's childhood? I guess you must figure that any patient of theirs must have been abused by their father or wanted to kill their mother or something. No, I wasn't beaten, or starved, and I didn't even know what the word "incest" was until I was checking the spelling of "insect" in the dictionary. I know, I know, I'm avoiding the subject. Open up, you said. Open up, God-damnit. Fine. As a child I wasn't liked by other kids. I was too smart, you see, and I had been taught at an early age to respect authority. Actually, I don't think I was ever taught that, because my parents didn't seem to teach me much of anything. I just knew I had to listen to them when they yelled at me. All of my life I was afraid of my father. He never really was a father to me, for he wasn't home often, but when he was home, all he seemed to do was yell at me. I always figured that I must have done something wrong, because he was never happy with me. Hence the self-esteem problem, I guess. I think that's why I got messed up with all those other men, too, doc. But you said we'd get to that in a later session. The thing is, they always told me that I had to act a certain way, and that I had to do all of these things, but I never knew why I had to do them. If it was to be a good person, then I wanted to know who the hell decided what was good. From what I understood, good wasn't fun. It wasn't even self-fulfilling. But I was going to do what they wanted. I got into a good school, and decided to study in a field that I didn't like. But, you see, that would get me a job with good pay - even if I didn't like it - and would make everyone in society think that everything was good in my life. If I just went through the motions, people would think I was happy, and then they might leave me alone. But that didn't work. Doc, I'm tired. The medication you make me take at night really knocks me out. I'll write later. She never signed her letters, and she always typed them so that they could never be traced to her. She made sure she covered all of her bases. Litmann pressed his right hand over his eyes, almost in an effort to hold his face together. Dear Doctor- Hi. I'm back. It's night again. I like writing at night. I write at the desk in my room by two candles. I could turn on the lights, but the candles make shadows on the walls. I like the shadows. They make me think of everything out there that I'm not supposed to do. In our session today you wanted me to tell you about the turning point of my life. You figured out that there was some sort of event in my life that made me want to rebel against all the empty values my parents tried to shove down my throat. That event was a man. You see, he was a boyfriend of mine - a boring one that fit into my plan of having a boring future. I'd get a boring job, and I'd marry that boring man and we'd live in a boring house with boring children and act happy. I thought it would all be simple enough - I mean, the man seemed harmless and all. But he wasn't. He went away to school with me, and at the first chance he got, he got me drunk. And he raped me. It occurred to me then that my boring life wasn't going to happen. Doc, I thought I could just float by life, going through the motions without feeling anything, whether it be pain or happiness. The rape tore me apart inside. This man was supposed to be the security in life, and he killed any security I thought I could ever feel. I knew that what he did wasn't right, but I also knew that there was nothing I could really do about it, because society seemed to ignore things like rape. Nothing seemed right anymore. I looked into different religions. I read the new testament, and I tried to go through the old one, but the reading was just too dry. God just seemed like a joke to me. I deduced that religion was just a means to keep the masses in their place. But it wouldn't hold me down. I wonder why I don't tell you all of these things while I'm in session with you. Maybe it's because you're trying to make me "normal" again - normal in the eyes of society. Well, their rules don't make sense. Dear Doc - I can't love unconditionally. I think everyone thinks I'm just very cold. But it's just that I can't love someone that I can't respect or admire. I don't think I love my family, because I can't respect their values, and I can't love other people because I can't trust them. That's where my value system comes in. I decided that the only person I could trust and love is myself. So my goals should be to make myself happy, right? If I do that, what more could I want? Why should I want to please others? And I liked having those one night stands. I liked the power I felt when I could make a man want me so much and I had the power to do with him whatever I wanted. You could say that I wanted to get back at the man who raped me, you could say that I was looking for someone to care for me the way I wanted my father to when I was a child - but I wanted the power. I wanted the control of others - and it was an emotional control, which was even stronger than a physical control. I felt an emotional high from making them weak. I don't know which high was stronger. Dear Doc- I'm not afraid to tell you the next part, for even if I do give you these letters, you can't tell anyone about them. I've checked into the laws, and because of the nature of the case and client confidentiality privileges, you couldn't utter a word. Now, I never got into drugs. I drank a lot, which I guess I get from my father, but I never touched drugs. But I had ways of getting a hold of them, and cheap. So I started selling stuff to some of the college students - particularly the good looking men. If my plan was going to work, I had to pick the right kinds of people. I'd go to the men in the elite fraternity houses - the ones that you needed not only good looks, but also a lot of money and a lot of connections to get in to. Then I found the man. Steve. Gullable bastard, isn't he? Then I found the woman. A typical bitch - bleach blond, sorority, stupid as all hell. The type that makes me look like something is wrong with me for not wearing designer clothes. I knew I could make Steve do something he normally wouldn't - and maybe this would be my little way of destroying a microcosm of the society. It's destroying Steve. And it destroyed Erica. Litmann looked up. He pulled his glasses from his face. He didn't know if the steam on the glass was from his sweat or his tears. He got up, clenching the letters. He left the room. I See By Ro London How did it start? I think we were lying in bed after a long night of drinking and so forth. Dawn was only just creating its glow. And with daybreak, a thin film of lingering cigarette smoke was revealed. An appearance with which came a new awakening to the acrid and stale smell that surrounded us and yet our breath was steady and accepting. Our bodies gratifyingly contorted, our minds introspective, it was then that I remarked on the oddity that was his surf board, petrified and upright in a far away corner of the room. He had it zipped up in its protective sea green body bag. I cannot recall the dialogue which initiated our leaving the bed. But we were quickly piled in the car; he, I and the long blue board. I shared my seat with it looming over me. With the rag top on his roadster down, I could have held it up and away - my legs straddled its girth as it fought me for the seat, but I quickly gave in and allowed it to rest on the crown of my stooped head. My hair twisted furiously in the wind. Over and over I tried to tame it - pat it down, hook it behind an ear. The headlights bobbed in the almost dark. There were goose bumps on my thighs. I reached around and turned the dial. The fan began to blow warm air on my bare feet. The face of his water-proof watch read 4:38. It was Thursday, July 29. I contemplated the pastel stripes on the cotton boxer shorts around my hips and listened, for I could not really see much under the circumstances. With us one didn't always have to recognize that the other was right there. I listened to the wind; to the insistent whirring sound of the wheels. And above it all, he was singing. It was a vibrant streak against the more subdued tones of a night time's death. I mouthed the words I recognized, ingested the ones he'd changed since. Around a corner the air became dose. "In just a few minutes," he said, "the tide will start back in." My heightened heartbeat disturbed the lullaby of a comfortable inebriation. I peeked out around what was balancing on my head to try and see what I had just begun to hear - the surf, as faint as air rushing around the inside of a sea shell. "The sly isn't promising us much," he said. I did not reply. I pretended to know what he meant. And when I looked, it was a swirl of charcoal - an angry forehead. "The water should be glassy." He schooled me. Guiding the car left around a hedge, gravel crunched and popped under the wheels. He pointed the convertible's little nose at the sun bleached log which defined the change in terrain. I heard the zip of his seat belt retract and waited for him to round the car and lift out the board. He hoisted it tenderly under one arm and held out his free hand to me. I giggled at it and lolled my head back and forth lazily in a motion of coquettish objection. He took one step forward and tapped at my cheek playfully. So, I followed him down the beach. The sand was cold, even where it was dry. I watched the water draw him closer. I quickened my stride to catch up with him. Silently I fell in beside him. A series of small waves moved toward shore, each lapping at our feet in turn. I found the chill refreshing. Our bare feet were a curiosity. I wondered at the long thin bones of his toes and quirkishly compared them to my own. A piece of seaweed clung desperately to his wet ankle. I wriggled my toes atop the cusps of sand to make my cuneiform look the way his did. He has a very high arch and I had a perfect pedicure. The ocean seemed to illuminate itself, metallic against the still dark horizon. And it cast a mystical glow toward colorless skin. The board slapped the water's surface and jerked in the uneasy flow. His strong foot steadied his friend. "Come on, I'll show you what it's like." Wild with fear, I followed him a little deeper into the water. His unchanging stride did not quiver in the cold or recoil in the face of oncoming current. No, he and the water were understanding old friends. The water was quick to steep my clothes. Drowning air created an unflattering balloon of the t-shirt I had not long ago been preparing to fall asleep in. Waist deep, the ends of his hair had begun to float. I hugged the shore and for the moment, was cautious of his affect on me and of what he had in mind. Sedulously, he faced the horizon still. I turned my head for a moment to motion my hair from my face. Looking back again he had straddled his ride and now mirrored the movement of the water. Occasionally I saw the pink of his feet rise to the surface as he flirted with the cold water. It was my false prediction that at any moment he would flatten his belly against his narrow raft to paddle further off to meet with a wave and leave me behind as audience to him, comfortably external, always an observer of his habits. "Swim out." He motioned with a swooping wet hand; twisting only for a moment to locate me on the shore, undaring. "What are you doing, collecting sea shells?" He let the tide usher him inland. In a fluid stride he dismounted and playfully caught me around the shoulders. With careful force he lent my body toward what he wished of me. Spindrift slapped my face. A slow wave slipped the board between my legs. He caught hold of its tail and steadied its lashing until I was face down on top of it. At once I felt the retreating current beneath me. Sand and detritus sloshed against the wrinkled soles of my feet before slipping through my toes as the ocean inhaled. I'd acceded in the nasty argument my face was having with the water before he could detect the opposition and disapprove. He was there to steady me when the current proved more sure than I. He waded alongside of me, soothing me, reminding me of our having once practiced the quick maneuver into the prone position I would have to execute to perfection. That was different. It was on a warped piece of pier which had been spit ashore. He'd tripped over it in the moonlight one night after reemerging from some brush, his fly still an object commanding attention. He'd re-enacted the surfers' move of getting up to amuse me and to camouflage his foible. I had immediately climbed from the bluff to imitate the stance. To match his agility. My arms began to enjoy the safe repetition of dragging a heavy cargo. He no longer steadied my course and had to now push himself harder to keep up in water which ticked his armpits. I treaded above a tentative depth. The water rolled under me and did not yet threaten to cover me instead. I thought maybe he'd leave me alone. That maybe he'd just let me float and float. "Wait for it here." He directed. Secretly I hoped it wouldn't come. "Don't you trust me? Trust me." He insisted. Over the wind and water, it sounded like he'd said something else. "Now, test your center of gravity." He said. "I'm drunk." I reminded him. My feet and hands felt very far away. How could I count on them to save me? "I'm right here. See me." A sloppy mass of ocean lifted me. I looked toward him the moment I thought my feet were steady. He was much farther away from where I'd started and was caught in a disease of foam. I suspected him, blind and deaf, suffused in a moment of absolute quiet. The horizon and the shore were so well suited a couple I could not discern which was which and I twisted in the tide, my footing permanently lost. My face burst into warmth as I violently surfaced. I fought a helmet of wet hair and successive mouthfuls of sour water. And then his hands were on me. "Don't think of it as your enemy." He advised holding me enough above the water so that I could regain my command. "Where's your board?" I panicked. "It's around. The water's not that rough." "Ha!" I pushed him away falling without grace again into the black. I pressed toward gray beach. I stubbed my toe and lurched forward when the sharp floor finally met with my accelerated stride. A quick sideward current delivered the board. It smacked me in the knees and lingered and blocked my way. I turned, curious of his lack of attention toward a toy he held so dear. In one languid motion I watched him snap his head sending his wet mane aloft. His two open palms wiped the moisture from his face. He was a slippery shark. He found me standing there and then turned away, excluding me. Paddling back out to him again in spite of myself, I laughed aloud at something private. I did not resemble a beautiful mermaid, determination clouded my face. I only made it to my knees before sister sea knocked me aside. I was glad I fell against him, it sparked something remembered. We sat together on the board, resting, listening to the chatter of the water. I followed the path of a few droplets streaking his face, hanging onto the tip of his nose, scaring his neck. "I wanna go back. I'll watch you." He shrugged. "Why do you want me to do this?" "Why not? To see you move." He dragged his fingers through the dark liquid. "I'm afraid of the water." I splashed around trying to propel us shoreward. "Be still. Listen to its heartbeat. It would be an easy communion. It's just another body moving beneath you." "And I've had so many." I sighed. The sea was like a tremendous hand. The water rolled in from across the ocean just to touch me and carry me ashore. How far and long a journey. Chaos turned calm and dark to the brash light of the sun on an overcast day. My legs were tangled in white foam that felt like annoying fingers invading me. Forgiveness is not a given. I thought about how angry he made me as I lay on my back not sure I could feel anything except too much water. Not knowing if I could see or hear. Was that light? I'd rather a pall. I tasted not quite salt. My lips were gritty and tart. Sand slipped under my tongue. My heart made a knocking sound in my chest. A shadow crossed my eyes. As it became focused I realized it was the last time I ever wanted to see its shape. The earth had made things clear. I could decide, would decide. Now. I struggled away when he drew me close to kiss the air back into me. "It was a very graceful pitch." He whispered patting my back. I coughed. He told me, ssshhhh. I pulled myself to my feet and began to brush away black dotted sand which was too soaked and tenacious to simply comply. "I'm going for a walk." I decided. "Don't follow me. OK?" "What then?" "Write lyrics that will tell of some new love, that will break my heart." "I may love. But there is only one muse." I had already started off. The red of my toenails showed through the sand as I watched for sharp objects. "For me too." I shouted to the wind. Madame B by Ro London Stickly furniture. I'm sitting here and I'm thinking, my constitution should be so hard. I haven't seen her beyond a curtain of remembrances for more than two years. A song you haven 't heard in forever suddenly plays somewhere within earshot and you recall how much you loved it once upon a time; deeper and deeper into it you go. You can't help yourself. And then it's over, replaced by a more popular tune. On the phone she told me that she was married now too. Like Madame Bovary? So here I am. I am fear. A vegetarian. I'd heard he was rather wan looking these days. Carnivorous me set about looking for a place for us to eat. to sit. to talk. to look. I faced the bathroom mirror but could not see to check for a stray lock of hair or a smeared lip; my too busy mind blurred vision. I abandoned the room and crossed the corridor. Would the faint click of heels on the flagstone tiles warn him? A hazy image behind the glass in the entry door which had been manipulated to replicate the shape of gentle waves, perpetuated for a final moment the complicated apparition he'd become over time; so much like a eidolon, a thought and idea I could not touch. I reached for the knob prepared that this was the last moment of my own charge. Holt stood when he heard the movement of the door. We embraced and then were horrified by it; by the knowing we must not invite capriciousness. The pillow of his fall jacket did not provoke anything familiar, but my prurient return to his shape-a puzzle piece found covered in dust under some heavy furniture-gave back the remembered beat of Like a Prayer and the tingle and scratch of taupe pile against my hips. "I feel a little sick. " "I know these elevators do that to me too." "No, I meant-" "What did you mean?" "I'm a dog. " The doors opened and a few bowed heads got on and moved slowly to shoulder into the space between us as though it wasn't truly free. At the last minute Holt tried to reach me but was too late. I stared down the eye of the hidden camera which showcased our neurosis in bluish gray flashes on for the most part unattended monitors below. No one else cared. No one knew. I insisted he realize. I crossed half of the lobby before stopping to let him catch up. Walking cross-town I heard little of what he said, more cautious of if he would swerve near or far to avoid oncoming pedestrian traffic, more aware of the equality of our stride or if he preferred to create the illusion that we did not share a destination. At Fifth Avenue I trod down its darkened expanse flirting with traffic trying to hail a cab. I faced him and the growing headlights and then not while attempting a better posture for success. It went this way a block or so, weaving in and out, back and forth. He'd slowed his pace. I let my hand drop while waiting for the light to change. "What?" I searched him in the dark back-tracking to better decipher his stance. "I'm just watching those heels." "Is anybody else looking?" I teased him for what was his reaction when without thinking twice I led him, as he regarded it, past the plate glass behind which Live at Five was in full progress. I think he first began to uncoil when he affirmed that I'd made a good choice of galleries for our theatre. Significantly dark, trendy just to a point and only somewhat trafficked at this hour on this night. Though I'd needed his help locating its position on Waverly, Blind as a bat he remembered aloud with a chortle, I could not help smirk myself at its appropriate name. The irony graduated my smirk to a smile as I tore a match from the Apple emblazoned book to light the cigarette that bobbed between Holt's lips. Oh, will we be as doomed, or as infamous come meal's end? We chose a table, square with a white cloth, not too near, not too far from the door. He sat with his back to the street. It was the seat he took. Our first meal had been shared across a table of about the same dimension. It bothered me that I had been taking care where I held my left hand so I used it to move aside my water glass and accept my first drink of substance. So that was how the inevitable began. He admired my red ring and described how his father shipped him his Oma's ring via Fed Ex from Japan. I took the high road when he then felt compelled to remark on its worth. And so, number by number we colored in a picture of one another's nuptials. Like a news segment; a terse Q&A. And this artistic collaboration was bland; we both kept hidden all the good Crayola colors and as it went on, our strokes strayed out of the lines. I would guess that the dark haired, nose ringed gentleman that sidled up to our table was involved in the burgeoning alternative music scene in some way or was merely moonlighting as our waiter and worked by day for the art department of Tower Records. Maybe I only imagined traces of paint on his clothes. He and Holt certainly hit it right off since like-animals tend to acknowledge one another' s mischief. A mantle of history draped Holt and me, made my tongue thick. Later Holt would mention to him that while, yes, the meal was good, he failed to find any of the promised Seitan in his dish. "Sometimes Satan is hard to find," our waiter countered. "And sometimes she's sitting right in front of you." But this was much later, after Holt had depleted his cigarette supply and accused me of having smoked them all when I had never owned such a habit. Returning from the bathroom I found him hunched between a couple of cooing females fingering their soft pack. Their eyes had followed him back to the table under which I crossed my legs. But the act of rinsing my hands at the wide vanity birthed a strange thought that progressed some distance before I was fully aware of it. I found myself conducting a voir dire of the distance from the floor to the surface of the vanity so as to predetermine that if for some reason I were perched above it would it then hold me to_ high to be accommodating. My shoes issued a loud slap when they connected again with the ceramic floor. The evening had made its turn around the bend. "All I ever wanted was time enough to talk to you about Everything. To swap ideas and opinions like spit. I mean, it's all I EVER wanted, really. The fact that your dick fit so well in my mouth got in the way, stole the focus. " "It had all to do with timing." "I'm sorry for that." "I am too." And in the cab en route to the commuter train that would take him and me in separate but parallel directions, in the cab, my hand slipped and he was swift to admonish "you're being bad." It took a moment for the recrimination to reach my ears, for the comprehension of language to engage and then for me to equate his statement with some type of action I'd been taking. Oh, my hand, that in the natural course of conversation I had slipped across the dirty vinyl back seat and under your thigh palm down, I hadn't felt it. Sorry. I had so much to say, and finally, the forum in which to say it, that I remember that at one point I spoke with my mouth full so pressing was a sentiment or an issue to disabuse. You see, my urgency, volumed by more wine and more wine, had little to do with common desire. I can't now recall the clothes he wore. I can't conjure much of how he looked. But I do remember and was busy collecting that night, what was always my reactions to the sound of his voice. I have him. You have her. Who has our memories? philosophy monthly DISCOURSE ON THE METHOD OF RIGHTLY CONDUCTING THE REASON, AND SEEKING TRUTH IN THE SCIENCES by Rene Descartes part two From the description of inanimate bodies and plants, I passed to animals, and particularly to man. But since I had not as yet sufficient knowledge to enable me to treat of these in the same manner as of the rest, that is to say, by deducing effects from their causes, and by showing from what elements and in what manner nature must produce them, I remained satisfied with the supposition that God formed the body of man wholly like to one of ours, as well in the external shape of the members as in the internal conformation of the organs, of the same matter with that I had described, and at first placed in it no rational soul, nor any other principle, in room of the vegetative or sensitive soul, beyond kindling in the heart one of those fires without light, such as I had already described, and which I thought was not different from the heat in hay that has been heaped together before it is dry, or that which causes fermentation in new wines before they are run clear of the fruit. For, when I examined the kind of functions which might, as consequences of this supposition, exist in this body, I found precisely all those which may exist in us independently of all power of thinking, and consequently without being in any measure owing to the soul; in other words, to that part of us which is distinct from the body, and of which it has been said above that the nature distinctively consists in thinking, functions in which the animals void of reason may be said wholly to resemble us; but among which I could not discover any of those that, as dependent on thought alone, belong to us as men, while, on the other hand, I did afterwards discover these as soon as I supposed God to have created a rational soul, and to have annexed it to this body in a particular manner which I described. But, in order to show how I there handled this matter, I mean here to give the explication of the motion of the heart and arteries, which, as the first and most general motion observed in animals, will afford the means of readily determining what should be thought of all the rest. And that there may be less difficulty in understanding what I am about to say on this subject, I advise those who are not versed in anatomy, before they commence the perusal of these observations, to take the trouble of getting dissected in their presence the heart of some large animal possessed of lungs (for this is throughout sufficiently like the human), and to have shown to them its two ventricles or cavities: in the first place, that in the right side, with which correspond two very ample tubes, viz., the hollow vein (vena cava), which is the principal receptacle of the blood, and the trunk of the tree, as it were, of which all the other veins in the body are branches; and the arterial vein (vena arteriosa), inappropriately so denominated, since it is in truth only an artery, which, taking its rise in the heart, is divided, after passing out from it, into many branches which presently disperse themselves all over the lungs; in the second place, the cavity in the left side, with which correspond in the same manner two canals in size equal to or larger than the preceding, viz., the venous artery (arteria venosa), likewise inappropriately thus designated, because it is simply a vein which comes from the lungs, where it is divided into many branches, interlaced with those of the arterial vein, and those of the tube called the windpipe, through which the air we breathe enters; and the great artery which, issuing from the heart, sends its branches all over the body. I should wish also that such persons were carefully shown the eleven pellicles which, like so many small valves, open and shut the four orifices that are in these two cavities, viz., three at the entrance of the hollow veins where they are disposed in such a manner as by no means to prevent the blood which it contains from flowing into the right ventricle of the heart, and yet exactly to prevent its flowing out; three at the entrance to the arterial vein, which, arranged in a manner exactly the opposite of the former, readily permit the blood contained in this cavity to pass into the lungs, but hinder that contained in the lungs from returning to this cavity; and, in like manner, two others at the mouth of the venous artery, which allow the blood from the lungs to flow into the left cavity of the heart, but preclude its return; and three at the mouth of the great artery, which suffer the blood to flow from the heart, but prevent its reflux. Nor do we need to seek any other reason for the number of these pellicles beyond this that the orifice of the venous artery being of an oval shape from the nature of its situation, can be adequately closed with two, whereas the others being round are more conveniently closed with three. Besides, I wish such persons to observe that the grand artery and the arterial vein are of much harder and firmer texture than the venous artery and the hollow vein; and that the two last expand before entering the heart, and there form, as it were, two pouches denominated the auricles of the heart, which are composed of a substance similar to that of the heart itself; and that there is always more warmth in the heart than in any other part of the body- and finally, that this heat is capable of causing any drop of blood that passes into the cavities rapidly to expand and dilate, just as all liquors do when allowed to fall drop by drop into a highly heated vessel. For, after these things, it is not necessary for me to say anything more with a view to explain the motion of the heart, except that when its cavities are not full of blood, into these the blood of necessity flows, - - from the hollow vein into the right, and from the venous artery into the left; because these two vessels are always full of blood, and their orifices, which are turned towards the heart, cannot then be closed. But as soon as two drops of blood have thus passed, one into each of the cavities, these drops which cannot but be very large, because the orifices through which they pass are wide, and the vessels from which they come full of blood, are immediately rarefied, and dilated by the heat they meet with. In this way they cause the whole heart to expand, and at the same time press home and shut the five small valves that are at the entrances of the two vessels from which they flow, and thus prevent any more blood from coming down into the heart, and becoming more and more rarefied, they push open the six small valves that are in the orifices of the other two vessels, through which they pass out, causing in this way all the branches of the arterial vein and of the grand artery to expand almost simultaneously with the heart which immediately thereafter begins to contract, as do also the arteries, because the blood that has entered them has cooled, and the six small valves close, and the five of the hollow vein and of the venous artery open anew and allow a passage to other two drops of blood, which cause the heart and the arteries again to expand as before. And, because the blood which thus enters into the heart passes through these two pouches called auricles, it thence happens that their motion is the contrary of that of the heart, and that when it expands they contract. But lest those who are ignorant of the force of mathematical demonstrations and who are not accustomed to distinguish true reasons from mere verisimilitudes, should venture. without examination, to deny what has been said, I wish it to be considered that the motion which I have now explained follows as necessarily from the very arrangement of the parts, which may be observed in the heart by the eye alone, and from the heat which may be felt with the fingers, and from the nature of the blood as learned from experience, as does the motion of a clock from the power, the situation, and shape of its counterweights and wheels. But if it be asked how it happens that the blood in the veins, flowing in this way continually into the heart, is not exhausted, and why the arteries do not become too full, since all the blood which passes through the heart flows into them, I need only mention in reply what has been written by a physician 1 of England, who has the honor of having broken the ice on this subject, and of having been the first to teach that there are many small passages at the extremities of the arteries, through which the blood received by them from the heart passes into the small branches of the veins, whence it again returns to the heart; so that its course amounts precisely to a perpetual circulation. Of this we have abundant proof in the ordinary experience of surgeons, who, by binding the arm with a tie of moderate straitness above the part where they open the vein, cause the blood to flow more copiously than it would have done without any ligature; whereas quite the contrary would happen were they to bind it below; that is, between the hand and the opening, or were to make the ligature above the opening very tight. For it is manifest that the tie, moderately straightened, while adequate to hinder the blood already in the arm from returning towards the heart by the veins, cannot on that account prevent new blood from coming forward through the arteries, because these are situated below the veins, and their coverings, from their greater consistency, are more difficult to compress; and also that the blood which comes from the heart tends to pass through them to the hand with greater force than it does to return from the hand to the heart through the veins. And since the latter current escapes from the arm by the opening made in one of the veins, there must of necessity be certain passages below the ligature, that is, towards the extremities of the arm through which it can come thither from the arteries. This physician likewise abundantly establishes what he has advanced respecting the motion of the blood, from the existence of certain pellicles, so disposed in various places along the course of the veins, in the manner of small valves, as not to permit the blood to pass from the middle of the body towards the extremities, but only to return from the extremities to the heart; and farther, from experience which shows that all the blood which is in the body may flow out of it in a very short time through a single artery that has been cut, even although this had been closely tied in the immediate neighborhood of the heart and cut between the heart and the ligature, so as to prevent the supposition that the blood flowing out of it could come from any other quarter than the heart. But there are many other circumstances which evince that what I have alleged is the true cause of the motion of the blood: thus, in the first place, the difference that is observed between the blood which flows from the veins, and that from the arteries, can only arise from this, that being rarefied, and, as it were, distilled by passing through the heart, it is thinner, and more vivid, and warmer immediately after leaving the heart, in other words, when in the arteries, than it was a short time before passing into either, in other words, when it was in the veins; and if attention be given, it will be found that this difference is very marked only in the neighborhood of the heart; and is not so evident in parts more remote from it. In the next place, the consistency of the coats of which the arterial vein and the great artery are composed, sufficiently shows that the blood is impelled against them with more force than against the veins. And why should the left cavity of the heart and the great artery be wider and larger than the right cavity and the arterial vein, were it not that the blood of the venous artery, having only been in the lungs after it has passed through the heart, is thinner, and rarefies more readily, and in a higher degree, than the blood which proceeds immediately from the hollow vein? And what can physicians conjecture from feeling the pulse unless they know that according as the blood changes its nature it can be rarefied by the warmth of the heart, in a higher or lower degree, and more or less quickly than before? And if it be inquired how this heat is communicated to the other members, must it not be admitted that this is effected by means of the blood, which, passing through the heart, is there heated anew, and thence diffused over all the body? Whence it happens, that if the blood be withdrawn from any part, the heat is likewise withdrawn by the same means; and although the heart were as-hot as glowing iron, it would not be capable of warming the feet and hands as at present, unless it continually sent thither new blood. We likewise perceive from this, that the true use of respiration is to bring sufficient fresh air into the lungs, to cause the blood which flows into them from the right ventricle of the heart, where it has been rarefied and, as it were, changed into vapors, to become thick, and to convert it anew into blood, before it flows into the left cavity, without which process it would be unfit for the nourishment of the fire that is there. This receives confirmation from the circumstance, that it is observed of animals destitute of lungs that they have also but one cavity in the heart, and that in children who cannot use them while in the womb, there is a hole through which the blood flows from the hollow vein into the left cavity of the heart, and a tube through which it passes from the arterial vein into the grand artery without passing through the lung. In the next place, how could digestion be carried on in the stomach unless the heart communicated heat to it through the arteries, and along with this certain of the more fluid parts of the blood, which assist in the dissolution of the food that has been taken in? Is not also the operation which converts the juice of food into blood easily comprehended, when it is considered that it is distilled by passing and repassing through the heart perhaps more than one or two hundred times in a day? And what more need be adduced to explain nutrition, and the production of the different humors of the body, beyond saying, that the force with which the blood, in being rarefied, passes from the heart towards the extremities of the arteries, causes certain of its parts to remain in the members at which they arrive, and there occupy the place of some others expelled by them; and that according to the situation, shape, or smallness of the pores with which they meet, some rather than others flow into certain parts, in the same way that some sieves are observed to act, which, by being variously perforated, serve to separate different species of grain? And, in the last place, what above all is here worthy of observation, is the generation of the animal spirits, which are like a very subtle wind, or rather a very pure and vivid flame which, continually ascending in great abundance from the heart to the brain, thence penetrates through the nerves into the muscles, and gives motion to all the members; so that to account for other parts of the blood which, as most agitated and penetrating, are the fittest to compose these spirits, proceeding towards the brain, it is not necessary to suppose any other cause, than simply, that the arteries which carry them thither proceed from the heart in the most direct lines, and that, according to the rules of mechanics which are the same with those of nature, when many objects tend at once to the same point where there is not sufficient room for all (as is the case with the parts of the blood which flow forth from the left cavity of the heart and tend towards the brain), the weaker and less agitated parts must necessarily be driven aside from that point by the stronger which alone in this way reach it I had expounded all these matters with sufficient minuteness in the treatise which I formerly thought of publishing. And after these, I had shown what must be the fabric of the nerves and muscles of the human body to give the animal spirits contained in it the power to move the members, as when we see heads shortly after they have been struck off still move and bite the earth, although no longer animated; what changes must take place in the brain to produce waking, sleep, and dreams; how light, sounds, odors, tastes, heat, and all the other qualities of external objects impress it with different ideas by means of the senses; how hunger, thirst, and the other internal affections can likewise impress upon it divers ideas; what must be understood by the common sense (sensus communis) in which these ideas are received, by the memory which retains them, by the fantasy which can change them in various ways, and out of them compose new ideas, and which, by the same means, distributing the animal spirits through the muscles, can cause the members of such a body to move in as many different ways, and in a manner as suited, whether to the objects that are presented to its senses or to its internal affections, as can take place in our own case apart from the guidance of the will. Nor will this appear at all strange to those who are acquainted with the variety of movements performed by the different automata, or moving machines fabricated by human industry, and that with help of but few pieces compared with the great multitude of bones, muscles, nerves, arteries, veins, and other parts that are found in the body of each animal. Such persons will look upon this body as a machine made by the hands of God, which is incomparably better arranged, and adequate to movements more admirable than is any machine of human invention. And here I specially stayed to show that, were there such machines exactly resembling organs and outward form an ape or any other irrational animal, we could have no means of knowing that they were in any respect of a different nature from these animals; but if there were machines bearing the image of our bodies, and capable of imitating our actions as far as it is morally possible, there would still remain two most certain tests whereby to know that they were not therefore really men. Of these the first is that they could never use words or other signs arranged in such a manner as is competent to us in order to declare our thoughts to others: for we may easily conceive a machine to be so constructed that it emits vocables, and even that it emits some correspondent to the action upon it of external objects which cause a change in its organs; for example, if touched in a particular place it may demand what we wish to say to it; if in another it may cry out that it is hurt, and such like; but not that it should arrange them variously so as appositely to reply to what is said in its presence, as men of the lowest grade of intellect can do. The second test is, that although such machines might execute many things with equal or perhaps greater perfection than any of us, they would, without doubt, fail in certain others from which it could be discovered that they did not act from knowledge, but solely from the disposition of their organs: for while reason is an universal instrument that is alike available on every occasion, these organs, on the contrary, need a particular arrangement for each particular action; whence it must be morally impossible that there should exist in any machine a diversity of organs sufficient to enable it to act in all the occurrences of life, in the way in which our reason enables us to act. Again, by means of these two tests we may likewise know the difference between men and brutes. For it is highly deserving of remark, that there are no men so dull and stupid, not even idiots, as to be incapable of joining together different words, and thereby constructing a declaration by which to make their thoughts understood; and that on the other hand, there is no other animal, however perfect or happily circumstanced, which can do the like. Nor does this inability arise from want of organs: for we observe that magpies and parrots can utter words like ourselves, and are yet unable to speak as we do, that is, so as to show that they understand what they say; in place of which men born deaf and dumb, and thus not less, but rather more than the brutes, destitute of the organs which others use in speaking, are in the habit of spontaneously inventing certain signs by which they discover their thoughts to those who, being usually in their company, have leisure to learn their language. And this proves not only that the brutes have less reason than man, but that they have none at all: for we see that very little is required to enable a person to speak; and since a certain inequality of capacity is observable among animals of the same species, as well as among men, and since some are more capable of being instructed than others, it is incredible that the most perfect ape or parrot of its species, should not in this be equal to the most stupid infant of its kind or at least to one that was crack-brained, unless the soul of brutes were of a nature wholly different from ours. And we ought not to confound speech with the natural movements which indicate the passions, and can be imitated by machines as well as manifested by animals; nor must it be thought with certain of the ancients, that the brutes speak, although we do not understand their language. For if such were the case, since they are endowed with many organs analogous to ours, they could as easily communicate their thoughts to us as to their fellows. It is also very worthy of remark, that, though there are many animals which manifest more industry than we in certain of their actions, the same animals are yet observed to show none at all in many others: so that the circumstance that they do better than we does not prove that they are endowed with mind, for it would thence follow that they possessed greater reason than any of us, and could surpass us in all things; on the contrary, it rather proves that they are destitute of reason, and that it is nature which acts in them according to the disposition of their organs: thus it is seen, that a clock composed only of wheels and weights can number the hours and measure time more exactly than we with all our skin. I had after this described the reasonable soul, and shown that it could by no means be educed from the power of matter, as the other things of which I had spoken, but that it must be expressly created; and that it is not sufficient that it be lodged in the human body exactly like a pilot in a ship, unless perhaps to move its members, but that it is necessary for it to be joined and united more closely to the body, in order to have sensations and appetites similar to ours, and thus constitute a real man. I here entered, in conclusion, upon the subject of the soul at considerable length, because it is of the greatest moment: for after the error of those who deny the existence of God, an error which I think I have already sufficiently refuted, there is none that is more powerful in leading feeble minds astray from the straight path of virtue than the supposition that the soul of the brutes is of the same nature with our own; and consequently that after this life we have nothing to hope for or fear, more than flies and ants; in place of which, when we know how far they differ we much better comprehend the reasons which establish that the soul is of a nature wholly independent of the body, and that consequently it is not liable to die with the latter and, finally, because no other causes are observed capable of destroying it, we are naturally led thence to judge that it is immortal. PART VI Three years have now elapsed since I finished the treatise containing all these matters; and I was beginning to revise it, with the view to put it into the hands of a printer, when I learned that persons to whom I greatly defer, and whose authority over my actions is hardly less influential than is my own reason over my thoughts, had condemned a certain doctrine in physics, published a short time previously by another individual to which I will not say that I adhered, but only that, previously to their censure I had observed in it nothing which I could imagine to be prejudicial either to religion or to the state, and nothing therefore which would have prevented me from giving expression to it in writing, if reason had persuaded me of its truth; and this led me to fear lest among my own doctrines likewise some one might be found in which I had departed from the truth, notwithstanding the great care I have always taken not to accord belief to new opinions of which I had not the most certain demonstrations, and not to give expression to aught that might tend to the hurt of any one. This has been sufficient to make me alter my purpose of publishing them; for although the reasons by which I had been induced to take this resolution were very strong, yet my inclination, which has always been hostile to writing books, enabled me immediately to discover other considerations sufficient to excuse me for not undertaking the task. And these reasons, on one side and the other, are such, that not only is it in some measure my interest here to state them, but that of the public, perhaps, to know them. I have never made much account of what has proceeded from my own mind; and so long as I gathered no other advantage from the method I employ beyond satisfying myself on some difficulties belonging to the speculative sciences, or endeavoring to regulate my actions according to the principles it taught me, I never thought myself bound to publish anything respecting it. For in what regards manners, every one is so full of his own wisdom, that there might be found as many reformers as heads, if any were allowed to take upon themselves the task of mending them, except those whom God has constituted the supreme rulers of his people or to whom he has given sufficient grace and zeal to be prophets; and although my speculations greatly pleased myself, I believed that others had theirs, which perhaps pleased them still more. But as soon as I had acquired some general notions respecting physics, and beginning to make trial of them in various particular difficulties, had observed how far they can carry us, and how much they differ from the principles that have been employed up to the present time, I believed that I could not keep them concealed without sinning grievously against the law by which we are bound to promote, as far as in us lies, the general good of mankind. For by them I perceived it to be possible to arrive at knowledge highly useful in life; and in room of the speculative philosophy usually taught in the schools, to discover a practical, by means of which, knowing the force and action of fire, water, air the stars, the heavens, and all the other bodies that surround us, as distinctly as we know the various crafts of our artisans, we might also apply them in the same way to all the uses to which they are adapted, and thus render ourselves the lords and possessors of nature. And this is a result to be desired, not only in order to the invention of an infinity of arts, by which we might be enabled to enjoy without any trouble the fruits of the earth, and all its comforts, but also and especially for the preservation of health, which is without doubt, of all the blessings of this life, the first and fundamental one; for the mind is so intimately dependent upon the condition and relation of the organs of the body, that if any means can ever be found to render men wiser and more ingenious than hitherto, I believe that it is in medicine they must be sought for. It is true that the science of medicine, as it now exists, contains few things whose utility is very remarkable: but without any wish to depreciate it, I am confident that there is no one, even among those whose profession it is, who does not admit that all at present known in it is almost nothing in comparison of what remains to be discovered; and that we could free ourselves from an infinity of maladies of body as well as of mind, and perhaps also even from the debility of age, if we had sufficiently ample knowledge of their causes, and of all the remedies provided for us by nature. But since I designed to employ my whole life in the search after so necessary a science, and since I had fallen in with a path which seems to me such, that if any one follow it he must inevitably reach the end desired, unless he be hindered either by the shortness of life or the want of experiments, I judged that there could be no more effectual provision against these two impediments than if I were faithfully to communicate to the public all the little I might myself have found, and incite men of superior genius to strive to proceed farther, by contributing, each according to his inclination and ability, to the experiments which it would be necessary to make, and also by informing the public of all they might discover, so that, by the last beginning where those before them had left off, and thus connecting the lives and labours of many, we might collectively proceed much farther than each by himself could do. I remarked, moreover, with respect to experiments, that they become always more necessary the more one is advanced in knowledge; for, at the commencement, it is better to make use only of what is spontaneously presented to our senses, and of which we cannot remain ignorant, provided we bestow on it any reflection, however slight, than to concern ourselves about more uncommon and recondite phenomena: the reason of which is, that the more uncommon often only mislead us so long as the causes of the more ordinary are still unknown; and the circumstances upon which they depend are almost always so special and minute as to be highly difficult to detect. But in this I have adopted the following order: first, I have essayed to find in general the principles, or first causes of all that is or can be in the world, without taking into consideration for this end anything but God himself who has created it, and without educing them from any other source than from certain germs of truths naturally existing in our minds In the second place, I examined what were the first and most ordinary effects that could be deduced from these causes; and it appears to me that, in this way, I have found heavens, stars, an earth, and even on the earth water, air, fire, minerals, and some other things of this kind, which of all others are the most common and simple, and hence the easiest to know. Afterwards when I wished to descend to the more particular, so many diverse objects presented themselves to me, that I believed it to be impossible for the human mind to distinguish the forms or species of bodies that are upon the earth, from an infinity of others which might have been, if it had pleased God to place them there, or consequently to apply them to our use, unless we rise to causes through their effects, and avail ourselves of many particular experiments. Thereupon, turning over in my mind I the objects that had ever been presented to my senses I freely venture to state that I have never observed any which I could not satisfactorily explain by the principles had discovered. But it is necessary also to confess that the power of nature is so ample and vast, and these principles so simple and general, that I have hardly observed a single particular effect which I cannot at once recognize as capable of being deduced in man different modes from the principles, and that my greatest difficulty usually is to discover in which of these modes the effect is dependent upon them; for out of this difficulty cannot otherwise extricate myself than by again seeking certain experiments, which may be such that their result is not the same, if it is in the one of these modes at we must explain it, as it would be if it were to be explained in the other. As to what remains, I am now in a position to discern, as I think, with sufficient clearness what course must be taken to make the majority those experiments which may conduce to this end: but I perceive likewise that they are such and so numerous, that neither my hands nor my income, though it were a thousand times larger than it is, would be sufficient for them all; so that according as henceforward I shall have the means of making more or fewer experiments, I shall in the same proportion make greater or less progress in the knowledge of nature. This was what I had hoped to make known by the treatise I had written, and so clearly to exhibit the advantage that would thence accrue to the public, as to induce all who have the common good of man at heart, that is, all who are virtuous in truth, and not merely in appearance, or according to opinion, as well to communicate to me the experiments they had already made, as to assist me in those that remain to be made. But since that time other reasons have occurred to me, by which I have been led to change my opinion, and to think that I ought indeed to go on committing to writing all the results which I deemed of any moment, as soon as I should have tested their truth, and to bestow the same care upon them as I would have done had it been my design to publish them. This course commended itself to me, as well because I thus afforded myself more ample inducement to examine them thoroughly, for doubtless that is always more narrowly scrutinized which we believe will be read by many, than that which is written merely for our private use (and frequently what has seemed to me true when I first conceived it, has appeared false when I have set about committing it to writing), as because I thus lost no opportunity of advancing the interests of the public, as far as in me lay, and since thus likewise, if my writings possess any value, those into whose hands they may fall after my death may be able to put them to what use they deem proper. But I resolved by no means to consent to their publication during my lifetime, lest either the oppositions or the controversies to which they might give rise, or even the reputation, such as it might be, which they would acquire for me, should be any occasion of my losing the time that I had set apart for my own improvement. For though it be true that every one is bound to promote to the extent of his ability the good of others, and that to be useful to no one is really to be worthless, yet it is likewise true that our cares ought to extend beyond the present, and it is good to omit doing what might perhaps bring some profit to the living, when we have in view the accomplishment of other ends that will be of much greater advantage to posterity. And in truth, I am quite willing it should be known that the little I have hitherto learned is almost nothing in comparison with that of which I am ignorant, and to the knowledge of which I do not despair of being able to attain; for it is much the same with those who gradually discover truth in the sciences, as with those who when growing rich find less difficulty in making great acquisitions, than they formerly experienced when poor in making acquisitions of much smaller amount. Or they may be compared to the commanders of armies, whose forces usually increase in proportion to their victories, and who need greater prudence to keep together the residue of their troops after a defeat than after a victory to take towns and provinces. For he truly engages in battle who endeavors to surmount all the difficulties and errors which prevent him from reaching the knowledge of truth, and he is overcome in fight who admits a false opinion touching a matter of any generality and importance, and he requires thereafter much more skill to recover his former position than to make great advances when once in possession of thoroughly ascertained principles. As for myself, if I have succeeded in discovering any truths in the sciences (and I trust that what is contained in this volume 1 will show that I have found some), I can declare that they are but the consequences and results of five or six principal difficulties which I have surmounted, and my encounters with which I reckoned as battles in which victory declared for me. I will not hesitate even to avow my belief that nothing further is wanting to enable me fully to realize my designs than to gain two or three similar victories; and that I am not so far advanced in years but that, according to the ordinary course of nature, I may still have sufficient leisure for this end. But I conceive myself the more bound to husband the time that remains the greater my expectation of being able to employ it aright, and I should doubtless have much to rob me of it, were I to publish the principles of my physics: for although they are almost all so evident that to assent to them no more is needed than simply to understand them, and although there is not one of them of which I do not expect to be able to give demonstration, yet, as it is impossible that they can be in accordance with all the diverse opinions of others, I foresee that I should frequently be turned aside from my grand design, on occasion of the opposition which they would be sure to awaken. It may be said, that these oppositions would be useful both in making me aware of my errors, and, if my speculations contain anything of value, in bringing others to a fuller understanding of it; and still farther, as many can see better than one, in leading others who are now beginning to avail themselves of my principles, to assist me in turn with their discoveries. But though I recognize my extreme liability to error, and scarce ever trust to the first thoughts which occur to me, yet-the experience I have had of possible objections to my views prevents me from anticipating any profit from them. For I have already had frequent proof of the judgments, as well of those I esteemed friends, as of some others to whom I thought I was an object of indifference, and even of some whose malignancy and envy would, I knew, determine them to endeavor to discover what partiality concealed from the eyes of my friends. But it has rarely happened that anything has been objected to me which I had myself altogether overlooked, unless it were something far removed from the subject: so that I have never met with a single critic of my opinions who did not appear to me either less rigorous or less equitable than myself. And further, I have never observed that any truth before unknown has been brought to light by the disputations that are practised in the schools; for while each strives for the victory, each is much more occupied in making the best of mere verisimilitude, than in weighing the reasons on both sides of the question; and those who have been long good advocates are not afterwards on that account the better judges. As for the advantage that others would derive from the communication of my thoughts, it could not be very great; because I have not yet so far prosecuted them as that much does not remain to be added before they can be applied to practice. And I think I may say without vanity, that if there is any one who can carry them out that length, it must be myself rather than another: not that there may not be in the world many minds incomparably superior to mine, but because one cannot so well seize a thing and make it one's own, when it has been learned from another, as when one has himself discovered it. And so true is this of the present subject that, though I have often explained some of my opinions to persons of much acuteness, who, whilst I was speaking, appeared to understand them very distinctly, yet, when they repeated them, I have observed that they almost always changed them to such an extent that I could no longer acknowledge them as mine. I am glad, by the way, to take this opportunity of requesting posterity never to believe on hearsay that anything has proceeded from me which has not been published by myself; and I am not at all astonished at the extravagances attributed to those ancient philosophers whose own writings we do not possess; whose thoughts, however, I do not on that account suppose to have been really absurd, seeing they were among the ablest men of their times, but only that these have been falsely represented to us. It is observable, accordingly, that scarcely in a single instance has any one of their disciples surpassed them; and I am quite sure that the most devoted of the present followers of Aristotle would think themselves happy if they had as much knowledge of nature as he possessed, were it even under the condition that they should never afterwards attain to higher. In this respect they are like the ivy which never strives to rise above the tree that sustains it, and which frequently even returns downwards when it has reached the top; for it seems to me that they also sink, in other words, render themselves less wise than they would be if they gave up study, who, not contented with knowing all that is intelligibly explained in their author, desire in addition to find in him the solution of many difficulties of which he says not a word, and never perhaps so much as thought. Their fashion of philosophizing, however, is well suited to persons whose abilities fall below mediocrity; for the obscurity of the distinctions and principles of which they make use enables them to speak of all things with as much confidence as if they really knew them, and to defend all that they say on any subject against the most subtle and skillful, without its being possible for any one to convict them of error. In this they seem to me to be like a blind man, who, in order to fight on equal terms with a person that sees, should have made him descend to the bottom of an intensely dark cave: and I may say that such persons have an interest in my refraining from publishing the principles of the philosophy of which I make use; for, since these are of a kind the simplest and most evident, I should, by publishing them, do much the same as if I were to throw open the windows, and allow the light of day to enter the cave into which the combatants had descended. But even superior men have no reason for any great anxiety to know these principles, for if what they desire is to be able to speak of all things, and to acquire a reputation for learning, they will gain their end more easily by remaining satisfied with the appearance of truth, which can be found without much difficulty in all sorts of matters, than by seeking the truth itself which unfolds itself but slowly and that only in some departments, while it obliges us, when we have to speak of others, freely to confess our ignorance. If, however, they prefer the knowledge of some few truths to the vanity of appearing ignorant of none, as such knowledge is undoubtedly much to be preferred, and, if they choose to follow a course similar to mine, they do not require for this that I should say anything more than I have already said in this discourse. For if they are capable of making greater advancement than I have made, they will much more be able of themselves to discover all that I believe myself to have found; since as I have never examined aught except in order, it is certain that what yet remains to be discovered is in itself more difficult and recondite, than that which I have already been enabled to find, and the gratification would be much less in learning it from me than in discovering it for themselves. Besides this, the habit which they will acquire, by seeking first what is easy, and then passing onward slowly and step by step to the more difficult, will benefit them more than all my instructions. Thus, in my own case, I am persuaded that if I had been taught from my youth all the truths of which I have since sought out demonstrations, and had thus learned them without labour, I should never, perhaps, have known any beyond these; at least, I should never have acquired the habit and the facility which I think I possess in always discovering new truths in proportion as I give myself to the search. And, in a single word, if there is any work in the world which cannot be so well finished by another as by him who has commenced it, it is that at which I labour. It is true, indeed, as regards the experiments which may conduce to this end, that one man is not equal to the task of making them all; but yet he can advantageously avail himself, in this work, of no hands besides his own, unless those of artisans, or parties of the same kind, whom he could pay, and whom the hope of gain (a means of great efficacy) might stimulate to accuracy in the performance of what was prescribed to them. For as to those who, through curiosity or a desire of learning, of their own accord, perhaps, offer him their services, besides that in general their promises exceed their performance, and that they sketch out fine designs of which not one is ever realized, they will, without doubt, expect to be compensated for their trouble by the explication of some difficulties, or, at least, by compliments and useless speeches, in which he cannot spend any portion of his time without loss to himself. And as for the experiments that others have already made, even although these parties should be willing of themselves to communicate them to him (which is what those who esteem them secrets will never do), the experiments are, for the most part, accompanied with so many circumstances and superfluous elements, as to make it exceedingly difficult to disentangle the truth from its adjuncts- besides, he will find almost all of them so ill described, or even so false (because those who made them have wished to see in them only such facts as they deemed conformable to their principles), that, if in the entire number there should be some of a nature suited to his purpose, still their value could not compensate for the time what would be necessary to make the selection. So that if there existed any one whom we assuredly knew to be capable of making discoveries of the highest kind, and of the greatest possible utility to the public; and if all other men were therefore eager by all means to assist him in successfully prosecuting his designs, I do not see that they could do aught else for him beyond contributing to defray the expenses of the experiments that might be necessary; and for the rest, prevent his being deprived of his leisure by the unseasonable interruptions of any one. But besides that I neither have so high an opinion of myself as to be willing to make promise of anything extraordinary, nor feed on imaginations so vain as to fancy that the public must be much interested in my designs; I do not, on the other hand, own a soul so mean as to be capable of accepting from any one a favor of which it could be supposed that I was unworthy. These considerations taken together were the reason why, for the last three years, I have been unwilling to publish the treatise I had on hand, and why I even resolved to give publicity during my life to no other that was so general, or by which the principles of my physics might be understood. But since then, two other reasons have come into operation that have determined me here to subjoin some particular specimens, and give the public some account of my doings and designs. Of these considerations, the first is, that if I failed to do so, many who were cognizant of my previous intention to publish some writings, might have imagined that the reasons which induced me to refrain from so doing, were less to my credit than they really are; for although I am not immoderately desirous of glory, or even, if I may venture so to say, although I am averse from it in so far as I deem it hostile to repose which I hold in greater account than aught else, yet, at the same time, I have never sought to conceal my actions as if they were crimes, nor made use of many precautions that I might remain unknown; and this partly because I should have thought such a course of conduct a wrong against myself, and partly because it would have occasioned me some sort of uneasiness which would again have been contrary to the perfect mental tranquillity which I court. And forasmuch as, while thus indifferent to the thought alike of fame or of forgetfulness, I have yet been unable to prevent myself from acquiring some sort of reputation, I have thought it incumbent on me to do my best to save myself at least from being ill-spoken of. The other reason that has determined me to commit to writing these specimens of philosophy is, that I am becoming daily more and more alive to the delay which my design of self-instruction suffers, for want of the infinity of experiments I require, and which it is impossible for me to make without the assistance of others: and, without flattering myself so much as to expect the public to take a large share in my interests, I am yet unwilling to be found so far wanting in the duty I owe to myself, as to give occasion to those who shall survive me to make it matter of reproach against me some day, that I might have left them many things in a much more perfect state than I have done, had I not too much neglected to make them aware of the ways in which they could have promoted the accomplishment of my designs. And I thought that it was easy for me to select some matters which should neither be obnoxious to much controversy, nor should compel me to expound more of my principles than I desired, and which should yet be sufficient clearly to exhibit what I can or cannot accomplish in the sciences. Whether or not I have succeeded in this it is not for me to say; and I do not wish to forestall the judgments of others by speaking myself of my writings; but it will gratify me if they be examined, and, to afford the greater inducement to this I request all who may have any objections to make to them, to take the trouble of forwarding these to my publisher, who will give me notice of them, that I may endeavor to subjoin at the same time my reply; and in this way readers seeing both at once will more easily determine where the truth lies; for I do not engage in any case to make prolix replies, but only with perfect frankness to avow my errors if I am convinced of them, or if I cannot perceive them, simply to state what I think is required for defense of the matters I have written, adding thereto no explication of any new matte that it may not be necessary to pass without end from one thing to another. If some of the matters of which I have spoken in the beginning of the "Dioptrics" and "Meteorics" should offend at first sight, because I call them hypotheses and seem indifferent about giving proof of them, I request a patient and attentive reading of the whole, from which I hope those hesitating will derive satisfaction; for it appears to me that the reasonings are so mutually connected in these treatises, that, as the last are demonstrated by the first which are their causes, the first are in their turn demonstrated by the last which are their effects. Nor must it be imagined that I here commit the fallacy which the logicians call a circle; for since experience renders the majority of these effects most certain, the causes from which I deduce them do not serve so much to establish their reality as to explain their existence; but on the contrary, the reality of the causes is established by the reality of the effects. Nor have I called them hypotheses with any other end in view except that it may be known that I think I am able to deduce them from those first truths which I have already expounded; and yet that I have expressly determined not to do so, to prevent a certain class of minds from thence taking occasion to build some extravagant philosophy upon what they may take to be my principles, and my being blamed for it. I refer to those who imagine that they can master in a day all that another has taken twenty years to think out, as soon as he has spoken two or three words to them on the subject; or who are the more liable to error and the less capable of perceiving truth in very proportion as they are more subtle and lively. As to the opinions which are truly and wholly mine, I offer no apology for them as new, - persuaded as I am that if their reasons be well considered they will be found to be so simple and so conformed, to common sense as to appear less extraordinary and less paradoxical than any others which can be held on the same subjects; nor do I even boast of being the earliest discoverer of any of them, but only of having adopted them, neither because they had nor because they had not been held by others, but solely because reason has convinced me of their truth. Though artisans may not be able at once to execute the invention which is explained in the "Dioptrics," I do not think that any one on that account is entitled to condemn it; for since address and practice are required in order so to make and adjust the machines described by me as not to overlook the smallest particular, I should not be less astonished if they succeeded on the first attempt than if a person were in one day to become an accomplished performer on the guitar, by merely having excellent sheets of music set up before him. And if I write in French, which is the language of my country, in preference to Latin, which is that of my preceptors, it is because I expect that those who make use of their unprejudiced natural reason will be better judges of my opinions than those who give heed to the writings of the ancients only; and as for those who unite good sense with habits of study, whom alone I desire for judges, they will not, I feel assured, be so partial to Latin as to refuse to listen to my reasonings merely because I expound them in the vulgar tongue. In conclusion, I am unwilling here to say anything very specific of the progress which I expect to make for the future in the sciences, or to bind myself to the public by any promise which I am not certain of being able to fulfill; but this only will I say, that I have resolved to devote what time I may still have to live to no other occupation than that of endeavoring to acquire some knowledge of Nature, which shall be of such a kind as to enable us therefrom to deduce rules in medicine of greater certainty than those at present in use; and that my inclination is so much opposed to all other pursuits, especially to such as cannot be useful to some without being hurtful to others, that if, by any circumstances, I had been constrained to engage in such, I do not believe that I should have been able to succeed. Of this I here make a public declaration, though well aware that it cannot serve to procure for me any consideration in the world, which, however, I do not in the least affect; and I shall alwayshold myself more obliged to those through whose favor I am permitted to enjoy my retirement without interruption than to any who might offer me the highest earthly preferments. poetry and essays Fulfilling maybe that coffee & donut mark sonnenfeld Best clips are portrayed a private detective agency escaping to push cinematography in the rough if court orders characters will seem backward in attitude then out of town secrets bring a friend the same reason in a tiny office repairs cited shame the disruptive behavior has a new address all the same aim of getting interest the township atmosphere overshadows the public image was brought to the exhibit center still the white lavender shrubs outside. Over Dinner Julie Schillinger julie@onrampbbs.com when I came out of the clinic you were sitting there in your suit all tied and white shirted looking important you thought took my arm escorted to my car said you'd follow me home but have dinner first at some fancy schmancy place over steak you asked how long before we could fuck again I picked up the knife cut my steak pretending it was your heart chewed 27 times before I swallowed and said I didn't have the abortion when I cut more steak the blood that drained from your face was on my plate BEYOND MY EYES c ra mcguirt is the window, & what will be the screen when they get to #9 on the list of the many major minor repairs i handed my landlord last year. last year was over only 6 hours ago... i'll give him another week before i bitch. on the window is the KDF 103.3 rock & roll sticker which was applied by the previous occupant. when i first moved in, i started to razor it off: i listen to lightning 100, 104.5 & the local talk show radio, but i decided to leave it up to honor the anarchy boys. beyond the sticker, the first new day of another abitrary year is beginning to light up the fog the trees are turning back into trees the drugs are wearing off & my bed is pulling me backward leaving an unfinished poem going to church alice olds-ellington Going to church is never an old experience. Sundays roll by like rattly box cars, but going to church - any church always has diamonds and roses. Even seeing all those Unitarians feasting themselves and me in their smokeless houses and knowing most of thenm aren't "saved" - they believe in perhaps six or seven workman's wthics. The church itself has to altar, no minister, but humanism is the main theme. A religious humanism which cuts me out. I'm a bear. I most like to go to the First Christian Church downtown which is better singing and serious Jesus loving than the sleepy sister church in San Francisco. I wanted to cry with the choir and have a dainty hankie come to me through the hands of a Little Old Saved Lady. You can't do that at every church. There's no sweet joy unadorned but by Jesus in every throat. This joy only happens when singers are imbued by Christ like a good poet. I don't particularly like Muslims singing. Or, Indian ragas. Joy and love belong to American Christians. I'm prejudiced thru euphoric epiphanies. A Good One mark senkus I decided th'mutual attraction wasn't just in my head and went forward with th'gamble asking her what kind of a kisser she was she smiled back at me with sizzling perfect lips as her curved soft body full of gesturing language yelled out "a good one" before her voice-box had th' chance. Planetarium/Old Currency geoff stevens From November interior on fireworks night when acid reigns and stars whirl pin-eye bright you look up and find your cranium leaks, and spend the rest of your life in a folly, which has no tiles on the roof. JUST KEEPING THE FAITH Christopher Stolle cstolle@indiana.edu simple sentences of happy lives in gratuitous seconds of memories received and disasters lost. strange philosophy peaking on absurdity yet spilling joy to all and no one hears them or remembers them. until one fine day when the preacher arrives to speak of devilish tasks which we have all undertaken and may have failed in. he tried to calm the soul restore thy faith in the everlasting absolving all sins but who believes and who instills trust in such not I, for I would yell but deaf ears receive it they tell me I lie that I have suddenly resorted to hysterical ways and in good or bad, I laugh. a calm arises over such simple folk and they plead their guilt as blood trickles to the ground cold cement, freshly paved how it blends so well to show the horror. devastation in all facets poverty stricken naive in all distribution speaking with force and power in its lowest level of weakness. AFTER Cheryl Townsend, IMPETUS@aol.com I left him dreams in my patchouli stockings secrets in unwashed sheets The afternoon melted into attentiveness and alibis All reminders were just within the door with the missing pane up stairs that promise sighs It's so habit and familiar but the dreams go on and still Silent Treatment, No. 8, August 95 Glazed Honey By Peter Scott Pained in my justification Personal peril draws close Seizes the mind At times Leads me to fertilize Green apples of a cold nature Frozen sounding the blows through the inside Lonely am I from there Lonely is the paper Jagged marks On tiny fiber Before I falsify Only should you know Keys so many Doors so few Give me your love Whole and true Treat me with care For I will be you With you inside me Your sensitive heart Pumping fresh life In a dead corpse as I Don't mock Jokes look different Inverted Push me away Is it so A soul smashes his own mirror Distorts the blood from flowing? Not ready to live Only then shall the pen stop Liquid always absolute The color left up to you. ~ If, I Loved You ! ~ If I Loved You, What Could I Say? With Love True, How To Convey? If I Loved You, Could I Take A Chance To Dance A Glance, Of My Romance? If I Loved You, And Let My Chance Go By. With Sorrow, Into The Night I'd Cry. "I Love You", Oh How My Heart Imparts, "And I Will Love You, Until I Die!" To Plant A Seed, Without Any Flair. Plead My Need, Of Your Love To Share. Should I Shout Out My Loving Thrills? Would They Echo Thru Distant Hills? Could I Feel A Spatter Of Loving Pain Or Would It Splatter, Like Falling Rain? If I Loved You, Would It Be Remiss To Try And Cry, For One Little Kiss? How Could I Veer, My Feelings Sincere, To Wondrous Words, You Would Revere. But Then Again, My Love I Can't Send. To Caress Your Soul In Loving Blend. I Could Only Write, Of My Love's Plight. In Deep Darkness, Of A Lonely Night. Never To Feel The Exquisite Bliss Of Love's Sweet, Tender, Gentle Kiss. This Would Be, Loves Lament For Me. Never Your Lush Lips, Or Kiss From Thee. Love's Pain, Lonely And Only, is Due. And No Loving Blend, One Could Send, Would Begin, To See Me Through! Before The When, Of Loves Chagrin. Could Begin Its Lonesome Trend. Then, And Only Then, Would Love's Sorrows Contend. Into Darkness, I'd Quickly Descend. Never, Ever, To Love Again, .......................................If, I Loved You ! (C)1995 By Paul L. Glaze Poetaster@aol.com my very first day with the new boss michael estabrook I leave my demo case in the trunk telling him I don't need it. Turns out I do need it, end-up drawing out the product designs on an old blackboard, thoroughly unimpressing the customer. Then I say, "Come on let's go pick-up an order," and march him into purchasing without an appointment only to have Hank the senior buyer frown at me and say, "Gee, you should've called first Mike, sorry but you've lost the business to one of your competitors." My boss hasn't let me forget that day once in 14 years. Victim Blaming by courtney steele No... I don't victim blame. Nobody wants to think that they are at fault. When it seems that the accused is too innocent looking, when it seems that the boy next door is the one being accused of rape, it may only seem appropriate to think that somehow the victim caused the incident to happen. And especially when we are bombarded by society with messages that state that if the victim of sexual harassment was wearing a tight dress, was drunk or flirting, then they were at fault, how could we not come to that conclusion on our own? But just as a burglar has no right to steal, a rapist has no right to rape. That last sentence is often never considered, however. Most seem to feel that an act of rape - acquaintance or stranger - is just too bizarre to actually have no reason for happening. It may seem too strange to think that a man you've never met before could just come out of a bush, pick you out and attack you. It may seem too strange to think that a friend, or a boyfriend, or someone that you thought you could trust, could turn on you in such a way for no apparent reason and hurt you so much. In this world, things don't just happen - there's a reason for things, and there is sense in the world. Besides, the victim probably brought themselves into the trouble and therefore deserved what they got. If we as onlookers just don't make the same mistakes that they did, we won't have the same problems that they did. In this way unexplainable, traumatic acts such as rape can be explained away and therefore be easier to handle. This is the line of reasoning that many people go through. If a woman can victim blame another woman, then she can eventually say to herself, "That's never happened to me, so it must have been something that she did. Well, if I don't do what they did, then I will be safe." Since women live with the fear of rape all the time, victim blaming makes them feel better about the irregularities of the world. If a man victim blames a woman, it may be because he can't understand that another man - possibly someone that he knows, possibly a friend - can do what the accused did. If another man has the capacity to do that, than that male onlooker may have that capacity, too. It's a frightening thought to think that you could be a rapist. The man may eventually say, "I couldn't do that, and therefore that other guy couldn't do that. It must have been something that she did." The reason I find is the most believable is the reason that there is sense in the world and that there is a reason for everything. If there is a reason for everything, then there must be a reason for something as insane as rape - even if the reason doesn't seem immediately apparent. Maybe, as many come to think, maybe the reason that it happened is because the victim led her attacker on or didn't do enough to stop him. When someone blames the victim, the behavior is then correctable, and when the victim corrects that 'wrong' behavior, then they feel not only safer, but also a better person for correcting their own faults. I have often found myself victim blaming, and although I may realize that it is irrational for me to do so, I can't seem to help it. What I have noted, however, is that I only seem to victim blame when it comes to myself. Maybe I do that because experiences that happen to someone else aren't as hard-hitting as experiences that happen to yourself. You hear newscasts of people dead in a plane accident, or of people held hostage by irate third world terrorist groups, or of a woman beaten to death after she was raped, but these experiences, possibly because we don't experience them first hand but only hear about them, don't seem to affect us. Sadly enough, when I hear of these experiences, they don't affect me and I therefore don't have to explain them away through victim blaming. But when I live through an experience and it seems as if there is no reason for the violence or the trauma, I can't help but try to explain it away through investigating my own behavior. When I hear of another person that has gone through a traumatic experience such as rape, I never think that it was their fault or that they deserved it. When it comes to my own experiences, because I have to explain them away (when I don't have to explain away other's experiences), I find myself victim blaming. I have always been taught respect and kindness for others. I have always been taught to turn the other cheek when I am hurt, and I have been taught to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Because I possess these qualities, I often have a tendency to think of them as faults and see them as a cause for victim blaming - when it comes to myself. I was forced into a traumatic sexual experience, and although I had no choice in the matter, I still to this day can't help but feel that there still was something that I could have done. I should have been more explicit in what I wanted. I shouldn't have had so much to drink. I should have seen that he was trying to get me drunk. I shouldn't have been so nice to him. I should have said something afterwards: to him, to the police, to myself. I keep thinking that if I just keep looking over the pieces of the puzzle, something will fall into place and make it all understandable, all comprehendible. I keep thinking that if I keep looking for what I did wrong, once I find it I will be able to explain away what happened. If I blame myself for what happened, I feel that then the problem is solvable, avoidable, and correctable. It makes my world make sense again. But the thing is, I can't. I can't try to depend on the myths that surround us to explain away unexplainable behavior. I can't try to hurt myself by blaming myself for something that wasn't my fault. But sometimes that pain seems better than shattering everything I've always believed in. Nick DiSpoldo, Small Press Review (on "Children, Churches and Daddies," April 1997) Kuypers is the widely-published poet of particular perspectives and not a little existential rage, but she does not impose her personal or artistic agenda on her magazine. CC+D is a provocative potpourri of news stories, poetry, humor, art and the "dirty underwear" of politics. One piece in this issue is "Crazy," an interview Kuypers conducted with "Madeline," a murderess who was found insane, and is confined to West Virginia's Arronsville Correctional Center. Madeline, whose elevator definitely doesn't go to the top, killed her boyfriend during sex with an ice pick and a chef's knife, far surpassing the butchery of Elena Bobbitt. Madeline, herself covered with blood, sat beside her lover's remains for three days, talking to herself, and that is how the police found her. For effect, Kuypers publishes Madeline's monologue in different-sized type, and the result is something between a sense of Dali's surrealism and Kafka-like craziness. Debra Purdy Kong, writer, British Columbia, Canada I like the magazine a lot. I like the spacious lay-out and the different coloured pages and the variety of writer's styles. Too many literary magazines read as if everyone graduated from the same course. We need to collect more voices like these and send them everywhere. Ed Hamilton, writer #85 (of children, churches and daddies) turned out well. I really enjoyed the humor section, especially the test score answers. And, the cup-holder story is hilarious. I'm not a big fan of poetry - since much of it is so hard to decipher - but I was impressed by the work here, which tends toward the straightforward and unpretentious. As for the fiction, the piece by Anderson is quite perceptive: I liked the way the self-deluding situation of the character is gradually, subtly revealed. (Kuypers') story is good too: the way it switches narrative perspective via the letter device is a nice touch. Children, Churches and Daddies. It speaks for itself. Write to Scars Publications to submit poetry, prose and artwork to Children, Churches and Daddies literary magazine, or to inquire about having your own chapbook, and maybe a few reviews like these. Jim Maddocks, GLASGOW, via the Internet I'll be totally honest, of the material in Issue (either 83 or 86 of Children, Churches and Daddies) the only ones I really took to were Kuypers'. TRYING was so simple but most truths are, aren't they? what is veganism? A vegan (VEE-gun) is someone who does not consume any animal products. While vegetarians avoid flesh foods, vegans don't consume dairy or egg products, as well as animal products in clothing and other sources. why veganism? This cruelty-free lifestyle provides many benefits, to animals, the environment and to ourselves. The meat and dairy industry abuses billions of animals. Animal agriculture takes an enormous toll on the land. Consumtion of animal products has been linked to heart disease, colon and breast cancer, osteoporosis, diabetes and a host of other conditions. so what is vegan action? We can succeed in shifting agriculture away from factory farming, saving millions, or even billions of chickens, cows, pigs, sheep turkeys and other animals from cruelty. We can free up land to restore to wilderness, pollute less water and air, reduce topsoil reosion, and prevent desertification. We can improve the health and happiness of millions by preventing numerous occurrences od breast and prostate cancer, osteoporosis, and heart attacks, among other major health problems. A vegan, cruelty-free lifestyle may be the most important step a person can take towards creatin a more just and compassionate society. Contact us for membership information, t-shirt sales or donations. vegan action po box 4353, berkeley, ca 94707-0353 510/704-4444 C Ra McGuirt, Editor, The Penny Dreadful Review (on Children, Churches and Daddies) cc&d is obviously a labor of love ... I just have to smile when I go through it. (Janet Kuypers) uses her space and her poets to best effect, and the illos attest to her skill as a graphic artist. "I really like ("Writing Your Name"). It's one of those kind of things where your eye isn't exactly pulled along, but falls effortlessly down the poem. I liked "knowledge" for its mix of disgust and acceptance. Janet Kuypers does good little movies, by which I mean her stuff provokes moving imagery for me. Color, no dialogue; the voice of the poem is the narrator over the film. Children, Churches and Daddies no longer distributes free contributor's copies of issues. In order to receive issues of Children, Churches and Daddies, contact Janet Kuypers at the cc&d e-mail addres. Free electronic subscriptions are available via email. All you need to do is email ccandd@aol.com... and ask to be added to the free cc+d electronic subscription mailing list. And you can still see issues every month at the Children, Churches and Daddies website, located at http://scars.tv Also, visit our new web sites: the Art Gallery and the Poetry Page. Mark Blickley, writer The precursor to the magazine title (Children, Churches and Daddies) is very moving. "Scars" is also an excellent prose poem. I never really thought about scars as being a form of nostalgia. But in the poem it also represents courage and warmth. I look forward to finishing her book. MIT Vegetarian Support Group (VSG) functions: * To show the MIT Food Service that there is a large community of vegetarians at MIT (and other health-conscious people) whom they are alienating with current menus, and to give positive suggestions for change. * To exchange recipes and names of Boston area veg restaurants * To provide a resource to people seeking communal vegetarian cooking * To provide an option for vegetarian freshmen We also have a discussion group for all issues related to vegetarianism, which currently has about 150 members, many of whom are outside the Boston area. The group is focusing more toward outreach and evolving from what it has been in years past. We welcome new members, as well as the opportunity to inform people about the benefits of vegetarianism, to our health, the environment, animal welfare, and a variety of other issues. Gary, Editor, The Road Out of Town (on the Children, Churches and Daddies Web Site) I just checked out the site. It looks great. Dusty Dog Reviews: These poems document a very complicated internal response to the feminine side of social existence. And as the book proceeds the poems become increasingly psychologically complex and, ultimately, fascinating and genuinely rewarding. John Sweet, writer (on chapbook designs) Visuals were awesome. They've got a nice enigmatic quality to them. Front cover reminds me of the Roman sculptures of angels from way back when. Loved the staggered tire lettering, too. Way cool. (on "Hope Chest in the Attic") Some excellent writing in "Hope Chest in the Attic." I thought "Children, Churches and Daddies" and "The Room of the Rape" were particularly powerful pieces. C Ra McGuirt, Editor, The Penny Dreadful Review: cc&d is obviously a labor of love ... I just have to smile when I go through it. (Janet Kuypers) uses her space and her poets to best effect, and the illos attest to her skill as a graphic artist. Cheryl Townsend, Editor, Impetus (on Children, Churches and Daddies) The new cc&d looks absolutely amazing. It's a wonderful lay-out, looks really professional - all you need is the glossy pages. Truly impressive AND the calendar, too. Can't wait to actually start reading all the stuff inside.. Wanted to just say, it looks good so far!!! Dusty Dog Reviews: She opens with a poem of her own devising, which has that wintry atmosphere demonstrated in the movie version of Boris Pasternak's Doctor Zhivago. The atmosphere of wintry white and cold, gloriously murderous cold, stark raging cold, numbing and brutalizing cold, appears almost as a character who announces to his audience, "Wisdom occurs only after a laboriously magnificent disappointment." Alas, that our Dusty Dog for mat cannot do justice to Ms. Kuypers' very personal layering of her poem across the page. Fithian Press, Santa Barbara, CA Indeed, there's a healthy balance here between wit and dark vision, romance and reality, just as there's a good balance between words and graphics. The work shows brave self-exploration, and serves as a reminder of mortality and the fragile beauty of friendship. Mark Blickley, writer The precursor to the magazine title (Children, Churches and Daddies) is very moving. "Scars" is also an excellent prose poem. I never really thought about scars as being a form of nostalgia. But in the poem it also represents courage and warmth. I look forward to finishing her book. You Have to be Published to be Appreciated. Do you want to be heard? Contact Children, Churches and Daddies about book or chapbook publishing. These reviews can be yours. Scars Publications, attention J. Kuypers. We're only an e-mail away. Write to us. Brian B. Braddock, Writer (on 1996 Children, Churches and Daddies) I passed on a copy to my brother who is the director of the St. Camillus AIDS programs. We found (Children, Churches and Daddies') obvious dedication along this line admirable. The Center for Renewable Energy and Sustainable Technology The Solar Energy Research & Education Foundation (SEREF), a non-profit organization based in Washington, D.C., established on Earth Day 1993 the Center for Renewable Energy and Sustainable Technology (CREST) as its central project. CREST's three principal projects are to provide: * on-site training and education workshops on the sustainable development interconnections of energy, economics and environment; * on-line distance learning/training resources on CREST's SOLSTICE computer, available from 144 countries through email and the Internet; * on-disc training and educational resources through the use of interactive multimedia applications on CD-ROM computer discs - showcasing current achievements and future opportunities in sustainable energy development. The CREST staff also does "on the road" presentations, demonstrations, and workshops showcasing its activities and available resources. For More Information Please Contact: Deborah Anderson dja@crest.org or (202) 289-0061 Brian B. Braddock, Writer (on 1996 Children, Churches and Daddies) I passed on a copy to my brother who is the director of the St. Camillus AIDS programs. We found (Children, Churches and Daddies') obvious dedication along this line admirable. Dorrance Publishing Co., Pittsburgh, PA "Hope Chest in the Attic" captures the complexity of human nature and reveals startling yet profound discernments about the travesties that surge through the course of life. This collection of poetry, prose and artwork reflects sensitivity toward feminist issues concerning abuse, sexism and equality. It also probes the emotional torrent that people may experience as a reaction to the delicate topics of death, love and family. "Chain Smoking" depicts the emotional distress that afflicted a friend while he struggled to clarify his sexual ambiguity. Not only does this thought-provoking profile address the plight that homosexuals face in a homophobic society, it also characterizes the essence of friendship. "The room of the rape" is a passionate representation of the suffering rape victims experience. Vivid descriptions, rich symbolism, and candid expressions paint a shocking portrait of victory over the gripping fear that consumes the soul after a painful exploitation. want a review like this? contact scars about getting your own book published. Paul Weinman, Writer (on 1996 Children, Churches and Daddies) Wonderful new direction (Children, Churches and Daddies has) taken - great articles, etc. (especially those on AIDS). Great stories - all sorts of hot info! The magazine Children Churches and Daddies is Copyright © through Scars Publications and Design. The rights of the individual pieces remain with the authors. No material may be reprinted without express permission from the author. Okay, nilla wafer. Listen up and listen good. How to save your life. Submit, or I'll have to kill you. Okay, it's this simple: send me published or unpublished poetry, prose or art work (do not send originals), along with a bio, to us - then sit around and wait... Pretty soon you'll hear from the happy people at cc&d that says (a) Your work sucks, or (b) This is fancy crap, and we're gonna print it. It's that simple! Okay, butt-munch. Tough guy. This is how to win the editors over. Hope Chest in the Attic is a 200 page, perfect-bound book of 13 years of poetry, prose and art by Janet Kuypers. It's a really classy thing, if you know what I mean. We also have a few extra sopies of the book "Rinse and Repeat", which has all the 1999 issues of cc&d crammed into one book. And you can have either one of these things at just five bucks a pop if you just contact us. It's an offer you can't refuse... Carlton Press, New York, NY: HOPE CHEST IN THE ATTIC is a collection of well-fashioned, often elegant poems and short prose that deals in many instances, with the most mysterious and awesome of human experiences: love... Janet Kuypers draws from a vast range of experiences and transforms thoughts into lyrical and succinct verse... Recommended as poetic fare that will titillate the palate in its imagery and imaginative creations. Mark Blickley, writer: The precursor to the magazine title (Children, Churches and Daddies) is very moving. "Scars" is also an excellent prose poem. I never really thought about scars as being a form of nostalgia. But in the poem it also represents courage and warmth. I look forward to finishing the book. You Have to be Published to be Appreciated. Do you want to be heard? Contact Children, Churches and Daddies about book and chapbook publishing. These reviews can be yours. Scars Publications, attention J. Kuypers - you can write for yourself or you can write for an audience. It's your call... Dorrance Publishing Co., Pittsburgh, PA: "Hope Chest in the Attic" captures the complexity of human nature and reveals startling yet profound discernments about the travesties that surge through the course of life. This collection of poetry, prose and artwork reflects sensitivity toward feminist issues concerning abuse, sexism and equality. It also probes the emotional torrent that people may experience as a reaction to the delicate topics of death, love and family. "Chain Smoking" depicts the emotional distress that afflicted a friend while he struggled to clarify his sexual ambiguity. Not only does this thought-provoking profile address the plight that homosexuals face in a homophobic society, it also characterizes the essence of friendship. "The room of the rape" is a passionate representation of the suffering rape victims experience. Vivid descriptions, rich symbolism, and candid expressions paint a shocking portrait of victory over the gripping fear that consumes the soul after a painful exploitation. Dusty Dog Reviews, CA (on knife): These poems document a very complicated internal response to the feminine side of social existence. And as the book proceeds the poems become increasingly psychologically complex and, ultimately, fascinating and genuinely rewarding. Children, Churches and Daddies. It speaks for itself. Dusty Dog Reviews (on Without You): She open with a poem of her own devising, which has that wintry atmosphere demonstrated in the movie version of Boris Pasternak's Doctor Zhivago. The atmosphere of wintry white and cold, gloriously murderous cold, stark raging cold, numbing and brutalizing cold, appears almost as a character who announces to his audience, "Wisdom occurs only after a laboriously magnificent disappointment." Alas, that our Dusty Dog for mat cannot do justice to Ms. Kuypers' very personal layering of her poem across the page. Children, Churches and Daddies. It speaks for itself. Debra Purdy Kong, writer, British Columbia, Canada (on Children, Churches and Daddies): I like the magazine a lot. I like the spacious lay-out and the different coloured pages and the variety of writer's styles. Too many literary magazines read as if everyone graduated from the same course. We need to collect more voices like these and send them everywhere. Fithian Press, Santa Barbara, CA: Indeed, there's a healthy balance here between wit and dark vision, romance and reality, just as there's a good balance between words and graphics. The work shows brave self-exploration, and serves as a reminder of mortality and the fragile beauty of friendship. Published since 1993 No racist, sexist or homophobic material is appreciated; we do accept work of almost any genre of poetry, prose or artwork, though we shy away from concrete poetry and rhyme for rhyme's sake. Do not send originals. Any work sent to Scars Publications on Macintosh disks, text format, will be given special attention over smail-mail submissions. There is no limit to how much you may submit at a time; previously published work accepted.