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If I Talked Like Gene Rayburn, You’d All Be Blankety-Blanks (The CEE Berlitz)

CEE

     “Hi, honey,” said Rose Martin, in the hardest tones ever she’d heard a person use. “Did you have a nice life? Because I didn’t.”
                —from the climax of And the World Goes on Forever, a novel by CEE

    “Daddy...what’s a perception problem?”
    It’s a kind of Vietnam, if I can mix media like that. It’s why there’s no communication, not really, why we listen but do not hear (and even by my 6th grade year, it was “we hear but don’t listen”—my likes, part of this problem is we keep relabeling everything). Perception, unfortunately is understood as though it’s Geometry class—everyone receives exact same, reasons it same according to lesson, and has the same, 3-step proof worked on the MEAD high school ruled page (except CEE’s paper, but we’ll ignore that, for now). We believe, in part due to Freudianism and the flour-dusted pie graph his followers made of something whole and solid, in part because the social contract, reworked or not, must serve as god, or all is truly ended...that most things, though viewed through prisms of opinion, through irony, through skew or spin, Most Things Are Understood, Through Reception. We may disagree, we may have our own “ways”, but in the end, Subject speaks and Object just gets it, and if it must be clarified or Al Sharpton set up his travel podium for your apology, well, yeah, But We Still All Really Know What Is Said And Meant And What Is Being Striven For, Right? The reason others don’t perhaps “get it”, is a block they possess—isn’t it? There exists, still, common understanding and a base level of “human” through normal (excuse me) development. We receive, reproduce through learning, and but for the lone wolfs needed identified and disappeared, the 3-step proof, is the same for each of us—but for quality of penmanship, Same. Human Xerox, from formula. As a row of coal scuttle helmets, seen massed in formation, from behind.
    As I keep saying, infinite diversity and personal worth/dignity, are the antithesis of true, societal order, communal accord and reasoned understanding. Perception, wherever it comes from, be it genetic or societal or being locked in a closet where scary monsters live, varies now, as the proverbial spectrum...almost as a curve smashed so flat, it’s Godzilla vs. The Liberty Bell. And if the personal (hello), if individuality is embraced as the ideal, you have no curve and no rainbow, but a line stretched “as far as the east is from the west”. That last, quoted bit, is biblical—it signifies an endless “forever” of distance and irretrievability. Used in this context, it’s not a good thing. Not for mankind. I think it’s a wonderful, amazing thing. It will soon destroy this world as livable, therefore it’s excellent, it’s cool, and I want to marry it. Which is perception as individual. And I’ll show you how that varies. As far as the east is from the west.
    Below, is a kind of handbook, alphabetized best as could. It is a quick and dirty listing of bits of oral dung I’ve heard throughout my life, and either 1) what I actually hear the person say, affectively, connotatively, or 2) what my definition is in the first place, so therefore nothing else could be meant. It’s a phrase book in a sense, a Berlitz for the individual or loner, a guide for those who will not or cannot fade into the tapestry...though, perhaps it’s a guide instead, for the great unwashed 3-steppers who remain, so they may see how off the page whole segments are become. I challenge you to read this through, and agree with none of it. Those who ever knew me, are automatically disqualified. The combative, is predetermined perception, nonfriends. It’s individual. Personal, once again. If you have known me, you ipso facto come to fight. And therefore prove my point. For those unknown, therefore open, look for yourself, Here. The first mirror, was a reflecting pool. No match will ever be perfect.

    The CEE Phrase Book:
    Anything “blahblah Children” = “Anyone who gets to sleep in throughout Life, must be punished!” We are. It’s called, “rare is the neighborhood which doesn’t have a goddammed basketball hoop”—as an aside, I’d point out most who obsess on mucking about at roundball, never take a shot. It’s just ka-thunk, ka-thunk, ka-thunkka-thunk. Little kids on the stoop, but stoned. I wish James Lipton would ask me, “What Sound or Noise Do You Hate?”
    Anything “blahblah Voting” = “True freedom, is to have such forced in a totalitarian manner, up to and including prison.” It’s very much the secular version of Full Gospel church members practically stoning you, if you don’t approach worship and praise like it’s the barn dance in Oklahoma! The truth is, that doesn’t work for many (See “Fake it ‘til you make it”). En example, Vampire Live Roleplaying, is silly. I can’t do it, I’d laugh in someone’s face (“You look SO SERIOUS...!!”). But dress code Sunday roleplaying is silly, too, or caring which thieves steal our money. It’s testimony to my mindset. I only would like to do, what The Law says I can’t. That’s why I just sit here.
    Correcting my pronunciation = That’s all you’ve got, isn’t it?
    “Deserve” = A bullet in the brain, Moment One of birth. That’s “deserve”. “THINK You Deserve”, is a whole other shell. If you want, we’ll walk it back to Eastwood at the climax of Unforgiven, “ ‘Deserve’ ‘s got nothin’ to do with it.” To quote an entirely different killer in an entirely different movie, “That’s the best deal you’re gonna get.” You wanta play ‘deserve’, nonfriend-o? I’m still screaming for my ice cream.
    “Don’t you think that _______?” = If I did, I would already believe/hold that view/have done that/approached {whatever}, like I’m a carbon of you in a different skin. This, apparently, is what you’re used to...as is questioning someone like they’re your witness. Bad. Very, VERY BAD. Geordi is now signaling a coolant leak. Please Run, Do Not Walk, to the nearest Exit.
    “Fake it ‘til you make it.” = “Cultic conditioning/boot camp/’tough love’/Norman Vincent Peale/psycho cybernetics/Tony Robinson, work. Get over your fears and throw your old kit bag into the Grand Canyon. If you just hang in there and apply yourself...” No. What we at core, really, Truly Believe, is who we are. Fake is fake, pretense is pretense, affecting behavior doesn’t turn Pinocchio into a real boy (I’ll write that one in blood for you—It Doesn’t). Some things, you need to be beaten 50 shades of black and blue—for refusing to sign the lil’ baby “contract”, for starters. Approaching as Jimmy Olsen or Dennis Day, is only good for nostalgia. I firmly believe Vonnegut’s moral in Mother Night, “We are who we pretend to be”, but his (protagonist?) (antihero?) (victim?) was in character, for decades. Figure if you’re trying to hold a job or save a marriage, your motivation will eventually be found in a dresser drawer, safety off.
    “Give _____ a chance.” = (as of entertainment, belief system or consumable) “I have chosen to like this. My home is my 3-D FaceNuts page. You Must Like It, While I Am Present, or I’ll act like you’ve trod on 19th Century convention.” (as of a third party) Generally, this is pep talk bullshit, as they don’t know the person and if they did, would never have them over, much less be an intimate. The “give ‘em a chance”-folks, used to be mindlessly cheerlead-y. Now, they snicker behind hands, waiting for the next anger story as they jack you.
    “How will you ever learn anything, if you don’t —” = “— listen to you.” Which is what you’re really saying. Now, let’s synchronize watches and do the “Nuh-UH!” “Yuh-HUH!” schoolyard chant. It’ll save a whole day.
    “I don’t care.” = “I don’t give a flying fuck in Hell, as {whatever} and you and your very soul are shit beneath the dirt of Earth, to Me.” I take it you can see I agree that “the opposite of Love is Apathy” (Buscaglia). Or maybe I’m that rare one, who equates Apathy with Hate. ‘Lotta Not Caring, out there, modeling what precisely that means. Dating Tip: Openness, doesn’t always reveal itself. Try to like specific movies, food and activities.
    “Invested in the person.” = You have picked a worthless stock. They will not do What you want, When you want, as much as you want, the way you want. And, you’d better do the What-When-as much as-the way that-performance like Nadia on a roll with “10”‘s, for Them. ...2, 3, 4, and any present Respondent, serious or irritated or pissed off, now gives the world weary lecture, towit 1) You KNOW no one is perfect (which begs the Q—of course they’re not, but you still expect that) and 2) the reality of living together, blahblahcovert contracts lovingly frosted with “realistic expectations” (which no one has, but the broken people—even the haters hope for something better, through the sheer, dark power of their Hate). ‘Not a big fan of Party propaganda, when I know the salesperson is reading it off a card.
    “It is what it is.” = “Never Compromise. Not Even In The Face of Armageddon.” From anOther, and if not dressed as a masked vigilante, this is a Mean As A Snake-alarm. If stated as a kind of apathy (See “I don’t care.”), dressed Halloween-Gandhi as “this is Life”, the individual has been dead since they were 20, but never noticed.
    “Judge Not, lest ye be judged.” = “I’ve never read the Sermon on the Mount in its entirety, but I grew up with this particular rock to throw, and it feels so good to throw it.” Yes. And very tired of you. I, on the full hand, prefer more ammo. Unless it’s David toasting Goliath or Bill Mazeroski, Bottom of the 9th, single smacks seldom win worlds. In plain English, I’d rather throw a whole pile of diverse rocks because I know what or whom I’m dealing with. The “judge not”-bit is moldy, and it’s bad theology. Trust me, most Christians know their Bible. That’s why they judge everything and the Easter hat of the lady in front of them. YHWH, isn’t “nice”. Don’t expect Me to be.
    “Owe” = Money due, in one form or another. This could range outward to include any alienate-able goods, but ultimately, anything “owed” another, whether person or organization, is material in nature. If a person “invested” in me (hmm...) says we “owe” one another, I’ll take the cash, Monty. Or eBay credit; there’s still some stuff I want. They’ll get an IOU, after which I’ll pretend I don’t speak English.
    “Making a difference.” = Like fantasy in its essence, this is a mind trip. You WANT to make a difference (gee, can I be your friend?), you THINK you’re making/made a difference, you BELIEVE a difference should/needs to be made. You aren’t actually making one, and one shall not be made. Ever. For further information, ‘tube “Silent Night/7 O’Clock News” by Simon & Garfunkel, and pretend it’s TOP 40 as of Right This Minute. ...see?
    “No opinion” = A cosmic impossibility. You might have to put a gun to the idiot’s head or deprogram them in a hotel suite for a weekend, but trust me. Everyone Thinks Something About Everything. Genuine exceptions come in the form of those dead, ‘George Romero’-people. I maintain standard deprogramming methods or hypnotic regression, can wring something out of even them. Then again, I believe polygraph evidence is infallible. Anyone who can beat the machine, the glove does not fit, so you must acquit. Hey. That rhymes.
    Quoting me/my writing/POV/sources I respect, as a way of “winning the argument” = About three levels lower than being a “spelling Nazi”. Dirt cheap, half down, easy payments. You’re just another kid on the playground, tricking with jokes of leading questions to hard punchlines. Not buyin’ it, behb...unless of course you allow me to strap you down, Gitmo-style, and interrogate you, re: the sincerity of your newfound wisdom. Oh, right. Yes, sure. “Safety word”, fine. I’ll be certain to honor that.
    “That’s a different argument!” = “I don’t know/can’t/am ill equipped to come back at you, re: a specific point of discussion, so will pretend it’s invalid/doesn’t matter.” Advice for the young at heart (aside from The Very Best of 80’s music): The next time you’re at a bar with someone who says they love intense discussions and hear all voices, go tell the nearest biker/skinhead/crazy homeless person all the open-minded debater has said, re: everything the bleary-eyed killing machine holds dear. Self-crowning Napoleons controlling the flow of argument, assumes foes under control. Yeah. Invalidate steel-toed boots, you jerk.
    “That’s not what WE believe...WE believe _______” = (archaic, as inclusive of me) “By God, you’re going to fit in this round hole, you goddammed square peg! I Am The Law and the Giver of His Definitions!” (#SIGH#, good times...) This is why I treat groupthink as a cafeteria-style restaurant and salt beforehand if I choose. It’s why herd mentality is culpability and why whole peoples can be guilty or The Enemy or Satan. It matters not me, if you don’t run a full inventory. You Chose Everything, including reading this. This is why there can’t be a little bit of freedom...or if there is, Indy, choose wisely. It’s scary, I know, and kind of “Vegas”, but again, that’s the best deal you’re gonna get.
    “That’s their culture.” = Then, I don’t want them in Mine—unless of course, I think the horrible thing Others are shitting pants regarding, is funny or cool or nasty in a nice way. Or empowering, e.g. the ones shitting pants will Never be able to get rid of it, so it keeps hurting them. In such cases, Please! Bring in the horrible part of your culture I don’t mind but Others do. Then remove those Others and put them in a certain prison undisclosed. I’m actually quite accepting, as long as some, any dissent gets hurt. Preferably like Faye Grant being tortured in V, in the “pain field”, or whatever. Yum!
    “We Are All One.” = Conan, doing the “extreme closeup” visual game on an archival photo of Adolf Hitler. If you don’t know this phrase as a kind of photo negative of HATE, which once developed...OMG!! If I thought for ten seconds this line was anything other than consciousness cult brain bait, I’d be locking and loading with The Dixie Chicks, mad as Hell, in the background. I often refer to myself as “the last man alive, in ‘Body Snatchers’.” If you catch that, look around you right now, slowly.
    “Why are you afraid to discuss _______?” = I’m not. I’m afraid of everything from a cop finally tackling me after I’ve been stopped in full flight, up through every minute of my life after that. My Life Matters, and its relative comfort. Discussions? WTF? It’d have to be an apocalyptic topic. As I’ve said, Stateville ain’t the Ritz.
    “Ya gotta do what ya gotta do.” = This, was on every 4th page of Studs Terkel’s book, Working. People said it like “Amen!” I’ve never agreed with it. It is one of the rare gifts of this current, jagged, harming, hating reality, that “ya gotta do what ya gotta do”, no longer applies. Though I often weep for that better world now gone, if someone opened a pandimensional vortex and bid me leap 40 years into the past, I’d have to think hard, as I’d know I’d be spending most of my nights, sleeping on the beach...
    “You can’t say that!” = Cut to Apollo Creed casting a Donkey from Shrek-eye at Drago, “When?” Cut to Dark Phoenix in an old What If...?, “And who are You to be ‘letting’ and ‘not letting’?!” Cut to Louis CK explaining that pretty much the only thing stopping murder, is the law against murder. Cut to you, calling me childish, primitive and emotionally immature. And back to Louis CK, re: “murder”. Lather, rinse, hide the body.
    “You’re prejudicing my opinion.” = This would be the opinion you’ve already chosen to carve like it’s Stone Mountain. Pardon me! Remind me, again, why we’re hanging out? And why you get a Stone Mountain, but I get no Crazy Horse?
    “____ isn’t that important to me.” = Wonderful, unless You introduced the subject, then continued when you saw it had become confrontational. Hitting the Batchute with a quick feign of “unimportance” is, guess what? A Lie from the pit of Hell. A stinky one that has poison in it. And drugs. And razor blades in its apple. You’re the sort who goes through life believing nice-y nice pablum covers Rock. When Rock is thrown, well, now! What is all this fluff? Honestly! (though, I’ll keep you in mind, re: requesting Christmas candy. I’m sure you make the best. ‘Bet it’s full of sugar and lard)
    And so on.
    Long ago (1986) I wrote a guide, tongue in cheek, to The Greek Alphabet and language. It was, those decades ago, assuming I’d been a known humorist to begin with, the kind of thing which lent itself to publishing and cocktail parties and those the age I am now laughing and winking, the clink of martinis and the understood perception of No Harm Meant. The guide, silly, goofy, would not in main, be accepted, Today, as the ruling opinion in main, no longer allows for “no harm meant”. Rigidity, and again, “the force of nice” into ranks of 3-step lockstep, are the thought-tight doors meant to seal all bulkheads against the monster. The monster, Man, is me and you. No Godzilla, we are Legion. And as the crazed, godlike friend of Cap’n Kirk’s advised him, “{We’ll} just keep getting stronger, you know.”
    I once told a newly Christian friend, re: ‘order’, “you can’t keep a hundred ping pong balls under water at the same time”. An anarchist-friend, once said to me in riposte, “‘Matter’, is relative!” If both statements are correct—and God forbid you blindly debate the term, “correct”, here—then Kirk’s buddy cum demigod spoke Truth. And no slave, despite good treatment, will ever love his master. And ruling opinions of any sort, enslave those who stand against them. There are, Dr. Sagan, billy-yuns and billy-yuns of Selves, each individual, on our Earth. I bid you once more, do the math.
    Here I stand; I can perceive no other.

    CEE

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