This appears in a pre-2010 issue
of Down in the Dirt magazine.
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Washington, D. C. is duh land of big time politics, big time corruption, and big time crime. You got to love duh place. It is duh seat of power. Dat’s a crock. Dere were more murders here last year dan in 20 uttah states. How’s dat for life in duh fast lane?
Duh power is not in all duh pencil necks. Duh power in duh guns killing everybody and in duh corporations putting money in everybody’s pocket. Dere are more crooks in D. C. per square mile dan any place in duh country. I’m right about dis.
I never come here unless I have to. If I wasn’t here for my good friend, I wouldn’t be here now. He asked me to come. Said he needed me to look out for him. A small reception is being held in his honor dis evening at duh Memorial Center.
He won dis little national raffle last November and had to move here for a few years. His life and mine will probably never be duh same.
My name is Z. It’s not really my name. I am called Z because Z is duh end of duh alphabet and when I am called, tings pretty much end wit me.
You got issues. You call Z. Issues end wit me.
My friend has security around him 24 - 7. I don’t know why he believes he needs me. It’s duh trust ting, I tink. He only really trusts me. It’s been dat way since we was kids.
I remember duh first time we officially met. I was already his friend and he didn’t even know it yet.
Bullies were givin him a hard time. Dey was harassing him about being a show off cause he was smart an all. Dey was getting ready to hurt him until I cleared my throat. Unh - Unhmmm.
Hey, how do you guys like my good friend? Is he duh coolest, or what? You would even tink he was a stuff shirt an all as smart as he is. Yeah, he sure got em all fooled alright.
Did ja know he was duh one who knocked over duh principle’s statue duh uttah night? Wouldn’t thought it was in him, would you?
Dat ain’t all. You know duh quarterback jerk who tink he is good with all duh girls? He’s duh one walkin around wit duh busted lip and two black eyes.
You guessed it. My guy did dat, too. I know you not thinking about ruffin him up for fun. If you do, life will never be duh same cause you won’t see him comin when he hits you one at duh time when you least lookin out. My friend’s smart like dat.
Den dey went into a little cute song and dance so quick about how dey was just trying to make friends an all. Dey all started laughing and telling him he could hang out wit dem anytime he wanted to.
After duh bums split, I told him to never speak about it. All he said was dat he wanted me to be his friend for life. I don’t know why but I took him up on it. I had.
Dat’s why I’m in D. C. I’m still looking out for my guy because I am duh only person he really trusts. He’s proven himself to be my good friend over duh years. Most of it, I can’t even talk about. So, I’ll just have to take duh fifth, a fifth of Cognac if you got it.
His new team had received a tip there would be an attempt on his life at duh reception. I’m good with bullies when I know who dey are. Dis was going to be a little different. Dis game was out of my league and yet, if he has sent for me, he must believe I have something to offer. It has to be important.
I had barely reached my hotel room and hung up my clothes when an envelope was delivered. Strange duh deliverer didn’t even wait for a tip. Stranger still was how anyone knew where I was dat quick. I gave no one my itinerary.
Not even my guy knew where I would be. Somebody did know and I didn’t like dat.
I pitched duh envelope on duh bed while I finished settling in. This looked like a pretty good joint. For $500 a night, it just ought to be.
I believed my four girls would like it here. I never left home without my four favorite girls. There was Jessie, Jennie, Joycie, and Betty.
Jessie is always at my right hand. Jennie is always at my right ankle. Joycie is always up under my left arm. If my hand is in my right pants leg pocket, I am holding on to Betty and you don’t want me to bring her out unless I am peeling an apple or someting. Wit du girls close, life is good. I feel naked when I am without them.
Betty opens all my letters. She does her ting on this one like its hot melted butter.
It’s time to see what’s inside waiting for me. Duh envelope felt light. There couldn’t be much in it.
At first, I didn’t see anyting in duh envelope. Then I held it upside down and shook it.
A card fell out. It was a plain little business card. There was something on it.
Keep your eyes on La “G” Heart “D” Circle Plus.
Glad Dove Ethyl
I wasn’t sure whetter my ole friend was playing games wit me or not. He certainly knew I was intrigued by mystery. Now I got someting to wrap my mind around.
I just didn’t know what it was yet. I took it serious.
While I showered, I thought about it. La could mean anything from Los Angeles to Lovely Atlanta to Lower Alabama to duh feminine article “the” in French and Spanish.
Duh most common thing duh heart as a symbol stands for is love. While dis is a picture of a human blood pump, I’m betting it means duh same ting.
De G LOVE D, what is duh g love d?
It is duh gloved, but duh gloved what? We are not talking about a gloved Los Angeles. Go for duh feminine gloved what.
What do duh circle and duh plus mean? Oh, whoever did dis is good. Dis is good!
Dis is about duh feminine. A circle with a plus connected to it means woman. It all means duh gloved woman.
Duh shower so far had been productive. I didn’t tink Glad Dove Ethyl would come as easy.
I finished duh shower determined to figure it out. It was time for a drink to get it going on in my head.
I ordered room service. I had a few hours before I needed to arrive for duh reception.
I ordered a double cognac straight up with duh biggest lobster they had in duh joint wit some carrot cake and coffee.
I kept writing over and over Glad Dove Ethyl. I couldn’t see anything.
When my food arrived, this time I was going to leave a tip. I asked duh young lady who brought duh food what was going on in her life.
She spoke like a true hustler when she said, “Why would I want to do anything else when I can hustle old guys like you for big tips?”
She smiled as she joked. I liked her smile.
She told me she liked her job. It helped her put money together for school. She had a plan. She was a young muttah with a little one at home to take care of. I wanted to ask about duh dad but I didn’t.
She had a four year old son. Working duh room service hustle at duh hotel made more money than regular jobs so she hung on to it.
I liked what I was hearing. She seemed like a good kid.
“Hey kid, wanna join me for a bite,” I asked her?
I told her I was willing to share everyting but duh cognac.
She told me, “You are my last service for the day. I can stay for a while if you like.”
She asked me, “Should I get my tip now or will it grow interest while I stay?”
I said, “It’s your choice kid. Let’s see how you play it.”
For a minute, I thought I had brought out the angry Latina in her.
She spoke a little louder, “You keep it for now on one condition. I’m no kid. I’m a grown woman as you can see and I have a name. My name is Aquila.”
She was right. What Aquila was packing didn’t belong to no kid.
I said to her, “Forgive me, Ms. Aquila. I apologize. You are right. You are a grown woman. I see that. My name is Z. Please, forgive an ole guy. What do you say?”
“We’re cool Z,” she said. “Offer me a chair so I can help you get at this lobster. I’ll be fine. What are you working on with all that scratching you’re doing on the paper?”
I told her, “I am working on a puzzle. I haven’t figured out what it means.”
“Can I see?” she asked.
“Of course you can. Let me get you duh whole thing as I got it. Maybe you will see it different,” I said.
Aquila dips some lobster in duh hot butter as she looks at duh card. When she puts it in her mouth, duh butter drips from her lip and Z reaches his napkin to catch it. They make a brief eye contact.
Aquila laughs.
“Z, Look,” she says. “Baby, I’m not laughing at you. I was into the eye thing too. I felt us, but look. It’s the same message. Show me what you got so far.”
“I got duh gloved woman” I said.
“That’s it,” Aquila said. “Have you done scrambled word puzzles where the letters are mixed up and you have to figure it all out? That is what’s going on here. Only the second time, Glad Dove Ethyl doesn’t become the gloved woman like the first part. It becomes the gloved lady.”
“Are you sure,” I asked?
Aquila responds, “Yes, I’m very sure. Check the letters. Glad Dove Ethyl is an anagram for The Gloved Lady.”
I could have kissed her right den and dere.
“Aquila, you get lobster for a month, on Z,” I said.
“Is that my tip,” she asked?
“No, dis is your tip,” said Z.
Z slides her a C - Note.
Aquila looks at Z and asks, “Are you for real?”
“Yeah, it’s for real. You wuz gonna get duh hundred whetter you stayed two minutes or two hours,” said Z.
“Thank you, Z. Are you sure?” she asked again.
“I’m very sure and for what you have just done for a very important friend of mine and me, it should be more. Can I see you again,” Z asked?
“Do you mean like on a date,” Aquila asked?
“You can call it whatever you want,” Z said. “Can I see you again?”
“Yes, you can see me again. I’d like that,” said Aquila.
I finished my drink and told Aquila to take her time finishing duh lobster. Duh carrot cake was hers, too. I needed to get dressed and on my way. I had information I could work wit now.
I dressed so quickly. She was still doing her ting with duh lobster and some butter. I told her to just close up for me when she left and to please leave a number where I could call her later.
I got a cab to duh Memorial Center. Duh reception was three hours away. It would give me time to go over duh details. I needed to know how many servants dere would be. What would dey be wearing? How many would be women wearing gloves?
I wanted to see duh guest list. I also needed to connect with duh one person who could authenticate everyone as dey showed up.
Duh future would make my work so much easier. Dey will have stuff that will identify everyone as they walk into duh room by hitting der eyes wit an invisible beam. Tonight, I got to do it de old fashioned way wit only my eyes.
I even wanted duh list of duh uttah security personnel working for my buddy, especially duh women. Someone could be disguised as a woman to throw dis whole ting off. Dis whole ting could be one big distraction for sumtin else.
When I arrived at duh gated entrance, I offered my credentials. You would have thought I was somebody special for duh treatment I received.
Dey knew I was working for duh guest of honor. My anonymity was gone. I suppose it worked out just as well. I got everybody’s cooperation.
With less dan an hour to go, I had all my ducks in a row. If dere was to be a special gloved lady at this affair, I was looking forward to meeting her. Even more, I’m going to invite her to take her gloves off. I need to know if she knows how to play rough.
Guests began to arrive around 6:30 PM. This is duh Who’s Who of everybody who tinks dey are somebody in D. C. and even around de country. Many are guests from uttah countries.
My friend arrived around 8 PM. We had earlier agreed not to acknowledge each other. Neiter of us needs everybody to know we know each uttah.
A special dance is scheduled at 9 PM. It is duh Waltz of Triumph.
Duh guest of honor and his number one lady will take center floor to lead duh assembled into an up and down back and fort. How those moves became a mark of sophisticated civilization is beyond me.
Duh lights will go dim as duh Maestro takes duh stage and raises his baton. Duh dance begins on duh very first note. For this tribal exercise, duh leading man must be as skilled as de maestro and de musicians.
A stunna arrives minutes before duh dance. She’s tall wit legs for days. Mink covers her shoulders. When it is taken, she is bare to duh depth of an amazing cleft.
I don’t have time for dis demon dressed in shiny black velvet, like undertakers line caskets wit, down to a bare glimpse of her ankles. A portion of her gown follows behind her.
Damn! She’s wearing gloves.
She is confirmed as a guest but I don’t like duh timing of her arrival. Duh evening has gone smooth so far.
She works duh crowd immediately. Maybe dere working her. All duh men want to touch her and be noticed of her. They look like they are ready to drink muddy water out of her slipper. Oh, she’s not wearing slippers. I think those are duh highest heels I’ve ever seen. All duh women wit men now drooling are hissing an ugly name on dere unopened lips.
Duh Gloved Lady positions herself in plain view for all to see. I am watching her as are all uttah security teams.
It is time for duh dance. Duh maestro assumes his station and so does my friend. Duh lights dim. Duh first note and steps are made.
Duh dimming lights go off. It is black in duh ballroom. Dere is a single shot.
I yelled, “Nobody move. Stay where you are until duh lights are back on. I repeat. Don’t nobody move.”
17 seconds later, duh lights are back on. Duh gloved lady is gone and duh Austrian Attache’ lies on duh floor in a forming pool of blood.
Nearest women scream. Duh on site medical team is allowed access.
Everyone is stunned. My friend and his wife are quickly removed. All uttahs are sealed wit me in dis monument until I know what has happened.
No one is allowed to move. Witness statements are taken. Duh Attache’ is dead.
One shot had severed his spinal cord at duh brain stem. His body didn’t know it yet. His brain didn’t know eiter. His body would give up soon because he was dead.
I learned later that while duh deceased credentials had been in order, he was a fake. He was a ringer on a mission to kill an Eagle. I had no clue. It seems I owe duh gloved lady my tanks for saving my friend.
She had done my work for me. I didn’t really like dat. How’d she know who to hit?
In D. C., wit everyting on a need to know basis, I would likely never know.
She had backed a bully into a corner. He never saw her coming. When he wouldn’t back off, she had taken him out of duh game.
Staff had been accounted for. Guests were accounted for except duh gloved lady.
No one had seen her leave. Wherever she is, who ever she is, I wish her well. Duh girl is good.
It’s time for me to dump dis joint. My work is finished here. I’ve got a number waiting for me back in my room I am ready to dial.
On my way out, a server approached me and asked if I was Z.
I said, “Who wants to know?”
“I don’t know,” the server said. “All I know is that we found this envelope marked for you if you are Z.”
I couldn’t pull out Betty. It would have scared duh server. I asked for a butter knife to open it.
I opened it and returned duh knife. I thanked duh server and said, “Dat will be all, tanks.”
Inside duh envelope was ladies’ gloves wit a note dat said, “I thought you might like a souvenir. Until next time.”
Damn, she’s not only good. She’s cocky, too, but I don’t have time to tink about dis right now. I have to get back to duh hotel. Dere is a number waiting for me.
From behind me someone yells, “Mr. Z. Mr. Z. There is a phone call for you in duh Director’s Office on his private line. The person on the line says it is urgent.”
What now, I tought to myself? I followed to duh phone. When I picked it up, I said, “Dis better be good.”
It was my friend. He told me everyting had gone according to plan. De Gloved Lady was working for him too and we would be working togetter from time to time on other projects in duh future as our special talents needs might be required.
“Whatever you say man. You always were duh smart one. I’m your friend. Dat’s all. Always have been. Always will be,” I said.
“Do you need anything, anything at all,” he asked?
“Yeah,” I said. “I need you to let me go. I kinda got a date.”
“Have a good time Z,” he said.
“You, too, Mr. President,” I said. “It was good to be here for you.”
When I put the phone, I got de fastest cab I could to get back to de hotel. It was late but I didn’t care. I was calling Aquila.
When I got back to my room, I looked everywhere for a phone number. Dere wasn’t one to be found anywhere.
I was getting ready to call it a day, sit down, and sulk. I would call for a double cognac and some carrot cake. Dis time I would get around to eating it.
Dat’s when I saw it. Dere it was just like I hoped. Dere was the number.
A beautiful arm was reaching out of my closet. On it was written, Aquila’s number is 202 - 555 - 444Z.
