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Why I Am Certifiably Defective

Bryan Franco

    Some people have accused me of being a communist when it comes to cheese. I am anti-American cheese. I one-hundred-percent believe that McDonald’s can afford to offer cheddar or provolone on all cheeseburgers and ditch the over-processed crapiolis without raising prices. Also, when it comes to cheeze-whiz, while I am okay with the delivery method, I am wary of any cheese that does not have to be refrigerated and legally has to be spelled with a z. I will admit, though, there is something to be said for a good old-fashioned grilled American cheese sando on fortified, bleached-wheat, preservative-laden white bread with a bowl of Campbell’s condensed tomato soup lacking any chunky pieces of tomato or basil or oregano, a summer camp nostalgia meal that that makes me a giddy foody. I could write an extremely long dissertation on the issue of the horribility of condensed soups that might possibly win me a Pulitzer after a bidding war for media rights between the New York Times, Washington Post, and Bon Appetit, but the only PHD offered in ranting and raving from Notre Dame University requires all students in the program subsist on communion wafers as their sole carb-source for its duration; that rule offends me as a Jew, and they won’t let me substitute matzoh for the wafers which is their right as a religious educational institution. After being denied this incredible learning opportunity, I tried to defect to Russia, was denied entry, but received a lovely hand-written consolation letter from Vladimir Putin himself:


My dearest Mr. Franco:
    Vhile ve appreciate your position on vast vood cheeseburgers, your very public opinions on old-vashioned grilled American cheese sandviches disqualivies you for citizenship to Mother Russia. Vith sincerity and sadness as a fan of your most clever poetry (because dictatorial despots can be poetry lovers too): the future modern-day Tsar of The All-Supreme Russian Empire, The Vladman Putin.
    P.S.: is the Vladman thing a bit too much; I think it make me sound hipper with the young folks.
    BTW, if you had been accepted for defection, you would have been the first American-born Jewish Poet Laureate in Russian history. DOSVEDONYA


    Less than a week later, I received a letter kicking me out of Communist Party of the United States of America.



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