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railroad engineer

Saga Stigsdotter

survivor’s guilt is real
although I never attempted
now I know the worries
of the railroad engineer

eleven years ago

I was standing on a balancing board
a pirate in my head
wanted me to walk the plank
other people stopped existing altogether
except voices here and there
mostly practical advice
such as: get a job
bootstrap mentality

eleven years ago
all I had left was to decide when

but I never attempted

because my method of choice was
too brutal for survival
or at least that’s what I thought
I was wrong, of course
according to statistics

railroad engineers
I never thought about them
because I had no room for compassion
back then

eventually, I decided not to die
kept on living
until the sun was bright again
and there he was
no shadows about him
pure, in a sense

eleven years later

he came home, blood all over him
huge elk
had to cut it out from under the train
with an axe
they feed the meat to animals at the zoo

suicide by train
hasn’t happened to him yet

statistically:
two or three times
in one career

compassion
sounds so easy, but ...
I had to start with myself to even be able
to feel compassion for others

such as railroad engineers

survivor’s guilt is real
although I never attempted
eleven years later
and I’m still here
married to a railroad engineer

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