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And I Disappear

Nancy Machlis Rechtman

I gingerly dab the concealer
Under my blackened eye
And then onto my curiously colored cheek
Wincing as I touch the bruises
That have made me almost unrecognizable
Where the surface barely disguises
The inner turmoil
Scrambling around in my brain.

It was an accident
That unveiled my vulnerability
Like a magician
Whisking his cloak away
And I disappear.

I’ve struggled
For so long
To disguise my weak spots
To avoid asking for help
Instead, frantically attempting to create the illusion
That being alone
Is normal
And preferable
To being needy.

But when shadows blanket the sky
And I can’t see anything other than my own demons
I double over in agony
Filled with doubt
And fear
That it will always be this way
That I will never trust enough
Not to camouflage it all
With smiles
And assurances
And foundation that matches my skin
And dark sunglasses that will always shade the hurt
That’s only revealed in my eyes
And once again
I will disappear.

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