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Order this writing that appears in the one-of-a-kind anthology The Final Frontier the Down in the Dirt May-August 2022 issues collection book		get the 420 page May-August 2022 Down in the Dirt 6" x 9" ISBN# perfect-bound paperback book:

Are You Still There?

Aarons_Sigh.exe

    “Are you still there?” I asked, sitting up in bed.
    My eyes drifted off towards the open orange bottle that lay on my nightstand, its white cap upside down next to it. Another similarly-colored bottle was tipped over next to the first, emptied out the month before. It was almost impossible to tell the difference, but I knew the newer bottle held more pills then the last. As I stared at its dull white paper reading off my name over and over again, I felt a familiar presence enter my headspace.
    “Thank god,” I said. “I thought these new pills would get rid of you forever. Those hours without you were terrifying.”
    I rolled over onto my opposite side, letting out a sigh of relief as my eyes found shadows filling up the corners of my room. The faint light from my bedside lamp shone off my blue walls and for once, the shadows stayed normal. At least they look more normal than usual. But in all honesty, I was so glad you were back.
    “I’ve been thinking back on it all a lot recently... about everything that happened. I don’t think I ever gave my mind the time it needed to cope, you know? I bottled it up and locked it away in the deepest part of my brain instead of facing the problem head-on like I should have.”
    I knew what I was doing wrong. It’d be impossible for me not to know how many years I’ve been messing up. But I’m sure you did, too. Everyday I would find some new way to blame myself, hurting myself as a reminder that I should have died that day.
    Not him.
    I wish I had died that day.
    You would always try to help me out, but there was only so much you could do, trapped inside my head. I could hear you screaming at me... yelling at me to stop.
    But I wouldn’t listen.
    I continued day-in and day-out, slashing and cutting away at myself until I was crying on the floor. My mom must’ve been just as terrified as you to find me like that, bleeding all over the place, crying until my eyes couldn’t shed any more water. Honestly, she must’ve been more terrified knowing her daughter’s hurting herself when she’s only a room away, refusing to ask for help or even talk to her.
    I’m so sorry I put you all through that. I thought you’d leave me at some point, but you never did. You stayed by me through everything.
    You showed up every day and night, watching over me.
    I don’t know if you can actually read my thoughts or hear them, but I like to believe you can. Otherwise I don’t know why you’d keep coming back, why you’re so driven to help me.
    I rolled over onto my back, stared at the ceiling fan slowly spinning above me. My eyes followed the blades as they spun infinite circles. The fan’s cool breeze covered me like a blanket. My mind ran wild with ideas and thoughts and I couldn’t keep them in.
    “I can’t even tell if I’m sane anymore. I’ve flip-flopped between so many medications that each and every time I get a new one, the first thing I do is make sure you’re still there. I know you can’t respond to me, but you always do find a way to say hello. I don’t even know how to explain it... Everytime you show up it feels like there’s someone else in my head with me, at least until the medication wears off. After that, I’m just alone again in a suffocating silence...I hate it.”
    I kept my eyes on the fan, almost as if I was in a trance. The constant low buzzing coming from its old rusted motor helped me find my next words. It felt soothing.
    “Whether you’re laughing at me or trying to tell me things, or screaming and shouting at me, or just reading my thoughts as if they were just another story...I just hope you’re at least understanding some of this, because no one else has ever tried to. No one would even believe me if I told them about you. I just...I just wish some days that I was the one who died in that crash instead of dad... Things would be so much easier for everyone. Mom wouldn’t be working so hard, wouldn’t be worrying about me or the bills.”
    I felt you getting closer to me, like you’re leaning in to hear me better. It felt weird, but I didn’t mind. You’ve never hurt me before. So I let you in a little more, opening my mind to you.
    “I know Mom’s doing her best, I just wish I could help her out or do more for her instead of having panic attacks or manic episodes when I go outside. She treats me so well and tries to help me out the best she can, but I can tell I’m starting to wear her out. She’s gotten a lot slower around the house and she always frowns when she thinks I’m not around. I feel like if I just disappeared one day, she wouldn’t have to worry about me anymore. But she’s already lost dad... She’d be so crushed she’d probably just break at that point. I can’t bring myself to hurt her anymore than I already have. I wouldn’t be able to do it, either. I hate pain...I hate it so much. I just feel...drawn to it, like a moth to a flame.”
    Tears welled in my eyes, the fan going blurry as they overflowed. I rolled over again and clutched my pillow close.
    I’m so sorry you have to see me like this.
    I’m so sorry you have to listen to me cry like a baby.
    I’m so sorry I failed you.
    But I need to get this out, and this is the only way I know how.
    I wiped away my tears and took a deep breath, then released it.
    “I’m starting to think there’s a reason I survived. God, I wish the roles were reversed so mom could have him instead of me. I’m replaceable...he isn’t...”
    My eyes fixated on the shadows dancing across my wall; their haunting smiles judged me.
    “The doctor’s even said that if this medication doesn’t work out and things still remain the same, he’s done all he can for me. I...I have to live in this hell for the rest of my life. As much as that scares me, I think I need to fully accept that as a possibility. I can’t keep pushing it down like it’s not going to happen. I can’t keep hiding from it. I need to face it... face all of this head-on or give up completely. You know as well as I do though that I can’t give up just yet. Not while my mom’s still worrying about me. Not if I haven’t really put up a fight yet...”
    A small warmth gathered around me, cradling me as I lay in bed hugging my soft pillow. My consciousness was slowly fading, but it felt like something was hugging me back, telling me to do just that. To fight; to keep fighting.
    I don’t think I’ll ever know who or what that warmth really was. I’d like to believe it was you hugging me, though. It would make so much sense, mean so much more.
    If it was you... Thank you.
    I could finally feel some confidence building up inside me, thanks to you.
    I smiled softly as I stared at the shadows one final time and for a split second, I could’ve sworn I saw a friendly face appear and give me a thumbs-up.
    “I promise you, I won’t give up. I’ll keep fighting as long as I have you by my side.”
    I closed my eyes, listening to the fan’s motor humme a nice, soft song. I listened to it until my mind drifted off to sleep, tears flowing down my cheeks, a smile—an honest, genuine smile—warming my face.

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