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The History Game Show (Episode 1)

Michael Ceraolo

Setting: the set of an early 21st-century game show, with a spotlight to train on the speakers, flashing lights, bells, buzzers, and assorted sound effects.

Costumes: upper-class period dress, complete with powdered wigs.

Cast of Characters:

EGREGIOUS PHILBIN, game-show host
MATTHEW LYON, defendant
NARRATOR/GAME SHOW ANNOUNCER (unseen, can be pre-recorded)
STUDIO AUDIENCE (unseen, can also be pre-recorded)
GUARDS

(stage still dark)

NARRATOR (in commercial-announcer voice):

        The First Amendment:
        Cynical campaign promise
        or actual overthrowing
        of the English common law
        on seditious libel?
        You make the call.

(July 1798 comes up on a screen and a chorus of voices is heard, each voice distinct and with very little time between them):

        “vile assassins of our country’s peace”

        We cannot allow speakers and writers
        “to excite those insurrections
        which had heretofore been excited
        by other means”

        “It is Patriotism to write in favor of our government---
        it is Sedition to write against it”

        “It is traitorous to be doubtful
        of the wisdom of the administration”

(the date on the screen moves to July 14, 1798)

NARRATOR: The Sedition Act passed by three votes
and took effect on this date.
It was now a crime to write, publish, or even speak
“any false, scandalous, and malicious writing . . .
against the government of the United States,
or either house of the Congress of the United States,
or the president of the United States
with intent to defame”

Bonus points to those of you in the audience who noticed the absence of the Vice-President in those offices protected by the law, and bonus points to those who also knew the Vice-President could be, and indeed was, a member of a different party than the President and the majority of Congress.

(the date on the screen moves to October 5, 1798.)

NARRATOR: Representative Matthew Lyon of Vermont on 3 counts of violating the Sedition Act.

(the date on the screen changes to October 8, 1798, is held long enough for the audience to absorb it, and then fades out. loud game-show music is heard, moving spotlights criss-cross the stage, then hold on the center as the ANNOUNCER’S voice is heard.)

ANNOUNCER: Welcome to tonight’s episode of
WHO WANTS TO BE A MARTYR?
And here is the star of the show, your host
EGREGIOUS PHILBIN (applause as PHILBIN enters)

PHILBIN (after applause dies down): Thank you and welcome to the show. A grand jury has selected Matthew Lyon, Republican of Vermont, to be tonight’s contestant on the hot seat.

(PHILBIN has moved slightly to one side of center stage. As he does so spotlight comes up on the opposite side to show a seated LYON. As this is occurring, a recording of LYON saying some of the words that caused him to be indicted is heard.)

LYON: “whenever I shall, on the part of the Executive,
see every consideration of public welfare
swallowed up in a continual grasp for power,
in an unbounded thirst
for ridiculous pomp,
foolish adulation,
and selfish avarice . . .
when I shall see the sacred name of religion
employed as a state engine
to make mankind hate and persecute one another,
I shall not be their humble advocate”

PHILBIN: Mr. Lyon, are these your words?

LYON: hey are.

PHILBIN: Mr. Lyon,
as you have admitted the utterance,
how do you defend yourself
against the charge of sedition?

LYON: Mr. Philbin,
I defend myself on several grounds.
First, as you have dined with the President,
are not my descriptions of his pomp true?

PHILBIN: I have not found that to be so.
What are the other arguments in your defense?

LYON: That the words were written
before the passage of the Sedition Act;
therefore the indictment against me
is an unconstitutional ex post facto law

PHILBIN: Such an argument cannot be entertained here.
Any other defense?

LYON: I invoke the First Amendment,
which prohibits Congress from making any law
abridging freedom of speech or of the press

PHILBIN: Mr. Lyon, I will say it again.
Constitutional arguments cannot be entertained here.
Anything else?

LYON: The defense rests.

PHILBIN: Gentlemen of the Federalist studio jury.
You have heard Mr. Lyon’s defense,
and it is now your turn to render a verdict.

(Lights down. Occasional spotlight on LYON looking at his watch, enough times to indicate one hour has passed when the jury returns with its verdict. Music of an ominous cast playing during the few minutes necessary to convey the passage of time.)

PHILBIN: What say you, gentlemen of the jury?

FOREMAN (can be seen or unseen):
We find Mr. Lyon guilty on all counts.

PHILBIN: Mr. Lyon, you are hereby sentenced
to four months in prison
and a fine of one thousand dollars.

(GUARDS place restraints on LYON and lead him offstage as lights go down.)

NARRATOR: While in his jail cell
Mr. Lyon was re-elected
by a margin of almost 2-to-1.

(screen shows February 9, 1799.)

Mr. Lyon makes his way to Philadelphia to take his seat in the new Congress.

(LYON comes back on stage triumphantly. Spotlight shine on him alone.)

NARRATOR: “Colonel Matthew Lyon,
the martyr to the cause of Liberty
and the Rights of Man;
may his sufferings bring good out of evil
by arousing the people to guard their rights
and oppose every unconstitutional measure.”

(Lights fade.)

THE END

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