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This writing was accepted for publication in the 108 page perfect-bound ISSN# / ISBN# issue/book “In Plain View” Down in the Dirt, v195 (the 5/22 Issue) Order the paperback book:

Order this writing that appears in the one-of-a-kind anthology The Final Frontier the Down in the Dirt May-August 2022 issues collection book		get the 420 page May-August 2022 Down in the Dirt 6" x 9" ISBN# perfect-bound paperback book:

Nothing Will Ever Be The Same

Mahbubat Kanyinsola Salahudeen

    My name is Zarin, Lionel Zarin. I grew up in an impoverished vicinity in Sau Paulo, Brazil, my father worked as a janitor and my mom took up different chores at people’s houses but still, I alongside my sister Lucia were lucky to go to school. But as things got tougher, she had to stay back for a while so I could continue. I wasn’t really a smart kid at school and I barely had friends, having three square meals a day was like building houses on the clouds.
    My days in high school were horrendous, I had to take up meaner jobs to help feed at home, I never had a relationship with my father, I longed for him and I find it appalling how he relishes not being around, after all he only saw his own father five times before his demise.
    Mondays were the worst, I remembered having to jog long distances alongside my mullato friend Aguero to avoid missing the start of the assembly, but it seemed like a curse, we were always late. Our punishments alongside other students were scrubbing of the toilets, sweeping of the classes and having our head master Rico Alberto read us the riot act.
    “It was all your fault,” Aguero yelled.
    “Sorry okay, I got busy with something,” I yelled back equally frustrated.
    Aguero and I had been friends since kindergarten, he does get a bit haughty sometimes but that is forgivable, he’s never been a wet blanket around me and I respect that...
    It hadn’t been a pleasant day, not that any other day was close to pleasant but there was so much to deal with, I was well aware of the difficulties ravaging my family, difficulties that had to be surmounted. I was going to get through it, I had no idea what gave me that courage but I was sure I felt something.....
    Father was a loud man, louder when he has had a drink too many and mum had to yell to keep him quite but it never ended there, I’ve seen her get bruised, I’ve seen her yelled at, so many times I have watched her cry. He hits her. He had a dream of opening a liquor store and would talk about the money he hoped to make from his prospective business, he was never proud or satisfied of nothing he had or did. He would say, “Once freedom used to be life, now it’s money...”
    “Leo! Kun! Is that you?” A voice jolted me back to reality, it was Antonella’s voice, she sounded husky as I had always remembered, when she hugged me, I felt her chest push into mine.
    “Hey Anto, how are you?” I said hurriedly wondering if she had actually pressed her body against mine.
    “I’m well cutie,” she replied playing with my cheeks.
    “Thanks for having lunch with me, I really had a good time.”
    “Please don’t mention it.” She turned to Aguero, “Hey Kun, you are okay?”
    “I am,” he replied. “Leo and I are heading home now, see you around.”
    “Go well.” Her eyes met mine briefly but boldly, I wasn’t dreaming, she did that? I felt my legs get wobbly.
    “I think she’s in for it.”
    “You noticed?”
    “Of course, I’m not a sheep,” he replied. “She’s offering you something, remember opportunity seldom knocks the door.”
    I had no idea what Anto saw in me, I wasn’t smart neither was I well built, I was quiet and I wasn’t the ladies favorite. She’s definitely got interest in me but why? I finally plucked up the courage to ask her while she was walking me home after school hours. “Why are you into me?”
    It didn’t take her long to reply, “Let’s just say I believe in the future and Lionel Zarin,” she replied with a laugh.
    “She is glowing,” I thought. “One day, you and I will be husband and wife.”
    I wasn’t expecting it but I felt her lips crush against mine, the kids felt arousing, I felt bad she had to go. When I got home that day, I had a brief talk with my father, it was a rare talk but I remember him telling me not to put myself in a difficult situation or I might find myself with no one to help.
    He kept on speaking and I promised to behave, but I never did.
    My relationship with Antonella got stronger and stronger, I walked to and from school with her instead of Kun, I never really thought about him anymore, I never cared.
    It was never premeditated, it just happened. I had visited Anto that sunny Saturday afternoon and we had a drunken time together, she had no regrets but I never really felt good about what happened. There was this feeling that left me reeling with something close to regret and fear. Time swept past hurriedly and months later I got in touch with Kun and he was able to help me with a few Reis, I told Antonella and Aguero as well. Interestingly, Kun was able to cajole his parents into enrolling him into a different school never again to cross my path and ever since I notified Antonella about my disease, I never saw her again.
    As I lay on my bed, Lucia came over smiling. “Aren’t you going over to the Da’Silva’s today?”
    “No,” I muttered.
    “Why? They pay you well and you know that.”
    “She’s blind,” I thought. “Go away Lucia, I’d like to be left alone.”
    “Why?” She pestered.
    I looked at her with solemn eyes then I lifted my hands to my face and touched my trembling lips, “No.... No....” I ran to the door and caught the cold handle in my hot hands and gripped it tightly holding myself erect. My face rested on the door and I felt tears roll down my cheeks, but really, I was pushing forward with my pony strength against a wall too big and too strong for me, I was groping forward with zeal into a welter of circumstances which I felt contained a water of mercy for the thirst of my heart and soul. “I wish I could change the track of time.”

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