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An Undelivered Eulogy

Bakhtiar Ahmed

Place: The mountains
Time: Another lifetime
    Coming down a steep mountain near the river, I looked down – I froze – height phobia – couldn’t move at all. The group moved on, didn’t pay any attention. Saw a hand coming towards me. Held my hand and led me down to the safety of terra firma.

Place: Top of the mountain covered in snow
Time: December
    Snow all around, snow falling – laughter, music, food, tea – huddled around the flickering fire in the warm room. The world down below – the wretched world – looked so distant, seemed so far away in time and space – almost forgot about it. Two days of joy amid the madness – they would last a lifetime – so I thought.

Place: The Room
Time: Many days, many months, many years
    Sitting, doing nothing, saying nothing, asking nothing, no questions, no advice, no judgment, just let things be – a refuge from justifications, from unsolicited counsel, from all the whys and hows from all the dos and don’ts. An escape from the world outside. A place that lets you cling on to that little bit of sanity. The little bit of sanity that remained.

Place: Everywhere
Time: A lifetime or two – lost the count
    Chaos, confusion, melancholy, despair, dread, silence, detachment, nothing – absolutely nothing.

Place: Here
Time: Now
    I didn’t shed a tear, I didn’t say a word, but something broke inside, no one saw it. It was not supposed to be seen. Things have changed, the change cannot be undone, never.

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