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Unable To
Escape It
the cc&d September-December 2022
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Unable To Escape It

John Grey

I’m constantly assailed by old footage of myself,
filmed subconsciously in real time but now in
constant rerun from battles fought between tin soldiers
to awkward hand-holding moments. And there’s that
fake M-16 made from a tree limb and the fence battered
from too many missions and the girl next door
in garb like a Turkish princess and escapades with Andy
and struggling to unhook a bra - sometimes, there’s
no respite. The past just has more ammunition
than the present - more times, more events, more people.
Like the man with the funny accent whom I was sure was
a Russian spy or the ignominious first formal dance.
Battles with Andy of course, our faces disassembled
by flurries of fists. And that abandoned Chevy whose
wheel I often grasped as I made the engine noises that
rusty heap no longer could. And here I am buying cheap
jewelry for the one who threw it in my face. And burying
the bag of pot I was too afraid to reclaim.
I can’t avoid the arguments with my elders.
They’re right there with the cowboys, Indians,
strange aliens from UFO’s that landed in my back yard,
all muscle memory of memories, so that years later
I see a lamppost and the leash of a long dead German
shepherd is wrapped around it, and every sunset
brings the voice of my mother calling me home.
I wince at the ear clips, I warm to the hugs.
The pain or glory years. Win or lose. Anger or peace
Pride or embarrassment. These take hold.



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