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A Friendly Conversation

Richard K. Williams

    The airport in Baltimore is not the most inspiring place to be the week before Christmas. The frenzied, scurrying mass of humanity caught up in their holiday travel madness, while entertaining to observe, I am disappointed because the weather doesn’t allow for lovely young women to expose any flesh. They are all bundled up as if embarking on an arctic adventure, which for me, removes a large portion of the enjoyment of people watching. Plus I am not a big fan of air travel. In my opinion since 9/11 the government gave license to airlines to charge outrageous prices for less space, poor on time service and the unbridled freedom to treat you like cattle. Add in the veiled threats of incarceration from the TSA and flight attendants should you not toe the line and maintain a complacent demeanor increases an unpleasant experience.
    My frustration peaked at having to embark on this book signing tour poorly planned by my agent which sent me helter skelter across the country, combining that with poor attendance removed my overall thrill of travel. It is my first novel, and no one explained how exhausting and irritating a promotional tour would be. I am at a bar in the terminal having a local microbrew. My connecting flight delayed an hour longer than its original delay. Under normal circumstances I can find someone interesting to talk to but tonight everyone seems to be comfortable wrapped up in their own drama. I was attempting to attract the bartender’s attention, but he’s found a home at the opposite end of the bar. Now I’m staring down at my empty pint glass, my last nerve is stretched to the limit and my cellphone rang. I dig it out of my pocket and answer without looking at the caller ID Big mistake.
    “Hello? Oh hi Harry how you doin? Where am I, in Baltimore at the airport, why? I’m having a beer waiting for my flight, which by the way is going to be another hour late. I didn’t say it was your fault Harry, there are a lot of things I could blame you for but a late flight isn’t one of them. How many books did I sign and sell today, really!? You abandoned me in some shit-hole bookstore and... What? How dare I call the place you booked me in a shithole!? You’re right, you’re right Harry. It wasn’t a shit hole, they’d have to paint it first, THEN it would be a shithole! You gotta’ lotta’ nerve asking me how many books I sold today. Do you have any friggin’ idea the number of people who read in Richmond Maine? Well, let me tell you, THREE! That’s how many! Where did you find that place, did you lose a bet or something? Plus, you screwed up the book shipment. The books didn’t arrive until the scheduled time was almost up. I’m alone with the owner looking like a dumb-ass attempting to make small talk while he keeps checking his watch and giving me the stink eye because not only aren’t the books there, nobody else is either! It was hotter than hell in the place and I’m sweating like Mike Tyson in a spelling bee. The three people who did stop in were surprised my pen could write under salt water! Yes, I’m blaming you! For the books not showing up and for letting me waste my whole day in that shithole. Now I’m worrying about this place in South Carolina you’re sending me, what kind of fresh hell is this going to be? So you’re telling me you’re taking care of me, really? I could get better treatment in a gulag!”
    “You’re doing your best? If this is your best, brother, then I am truly screwed! Harry, I have a suggestion, why don’t you stick a hose on your dick and go piss down your own back, you dime store agent bastard! Oh, so now you’re upset. I’ve offended you? Since when did you develop such a thin skin? I’m cranky because I want to be back in New York by Christmas. Because I want to spend the holidays with my family! I’m difficult? I’m difficult? Listen I’m the one out here attempting to move this book along. I’ve been sitting my sorry ass in airports and sleeping in crappy run down rat traps eating take out and fast food for the last three months! All you’ve done is blow tremendous amounts of smoke up my ass while you sleep in your own bed and have meals with your family! You’re really going to ask me why I want to be home with my family for Christmas? What do you mean we gentiles put too much emphasis on one lousy holiday? You’re trying to tell me I should be glad I don’t have to put up with all the hustle and bustle of buying presents and having dinner with relatives who annoy me? Do you realize I haven’t even gotten gifts for my wife and kids yet? I don’t think my wanting to be home next week is too much to ask, you’re home during Hanukah aren’t you? Different? How’s it different? You get to be with your family why shouldn’t I get to be with mine? Yes, of course I understand you’ve been in this business longer than me. Yes, I get its important the word is spread around if we want to make any money at all.”
    Oh, don’t even try to give me that marketing is everything bullshit. I poured my life into this project, you said it yourself it was a great piece of work, that’s how you got the publisher to bite. Yes, I understand this is a team effort, it just seems to me I’m out here doing all the grunt work while you sit back and play big shot agent. No, I’m not going to forget about Christmas with my family you menorah lighting son of a bitch! I’ll come back there and circumcise your big head you prick! Harry, Harry you there? Oh come on now! Don’t cry, when did you get so sensitive? You know I love you even if you are a self-absorbed asshole.”
    “OK, OK Harry listen, I think I heard them calling my flight they’re going to be starting to board. Yeah, yeah, I’ll call you tomorrow. Hey, please make sure the books arrive on time OK? Listen, I’m not gonna’ forget about this Christmas thing. I’m telling you I’m going to be home for the holidays. Alright, alright, I’ll be safe. take care Harry I’ll call you tomorrow from South Carolina, OK? Yeah sure, love you too buddy, bye.”

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