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The Neighbors

Kevin Statham

    Larry woke up and observed a moving truck across the street.
    “Honey, It looks like someone is moving in the Filberts’ house.”
    “They must have money. The Filberts were asking a fortune. We should go over and introduce ourselves. Maybe bring some wine.”
    “Good idea. I hope they like us.”
    Larry and Edna sauntered across the street, toting a bottle of wine. Larry knocked lightly on the front door. A tall, blonde man answered.
    “Hi. I’m Larry Siegel and this is my wife Edna. We live across the street. We wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood.”
    “How nice,” the blonde man said. “Hey, Marge. The neighbors are here. They brought some wine. Get three glasses.”
    “Just three?” Larry asked.
    “Yeah. I don’t drink. I have to be on call twenty-four hours a day.”
    “What do you do?” Larry asked.
    “I’m a surgeon. I work at the hospital. You never know when you’ll be needed. What do you do?”
    “I’m a plumber,” Larry said.
    “Well, I guess I’m a plumber also. I’m a plumber on bodies.”
    Enda, Larry, Marge and the Doctor sat around the kitchen table. After an hour or so, the Doctor said “Why don’t you come over for dinner tomorrow? Marge is a great cook.”
    “I wouldn’t say that,” Marge said.
    “Nonsense,” Dr. Walcott said. She’s so good you almost want to smack her.”
    Back home in the bedroom, Edna said, “What’s the matter, Larry?”
    “Nothing.”
     “Don’t kid me. I know when something’s wrong with you.”
    “It’s our new neighbors. They’re so perfect.”
    “Just because he’s a doctor doesn’t mean his life is so great.”
    “And she’s an artist.”
    “It’s not a competition. Why don’t I make you a drink? How about a scotch and water?”
    “No. I don’t want anything.”
    “But you always have a night-cap.”
    “I just don’t feel like it.”
    “Is this because of the Neighbors?”
    “No. Well, maybe.”
    “Why?”
    “He doesn’t drink and he’s highly successful. Maybe he’s on to something.”
    “Honey, I love you.” You’re a great provider. You should be proud. He’s got nothing on you. Now close the blinds and let’s go to bed.”
    “I don’t believe it.”
    “What?”
    “They’re getting it on and their blinds are wide open.”
    “Are you sure?”
    “I’m positive. Come take a look.”
    “All right.”
    “See? They’re buck naked.”
    “Stop staring.”
    “I’m not staring. I’m just watching.”
    “Well stop. It isn’t nice.”
    “Oh my God. They’re doing it doggie style now. How come we never experiment with new positions like that?”
    “Because it makes me feel like an animal.”
    The next day Larry took a walk and ran into Alex the doctor.
    “Hey, Larry. I see you’re health conscious. That’s great.”
    “Well, I try, but I can’t get over the two mile hurdle. My goal is three miles.”
    “Larry. How would you like to go fishing with me this Sunday?”
    “Sure. How did you know I fished?”
    “Just a guess. You look like an outdoorsman.”
    “So, what are the details?”
    “I’ll pick you up Sunday morning about four o’clock. I have a favorite spot on the lake. We can be there before the fish start feeding.”
    Sunday morning Larry climbed into Alex’s SUV.
    “When were you last up this early Larry?”
    “Probably when I was in the Army.”
    Larry and Alex walked around the lake. “My favorite spot is up ahead,” Alex said. “Now that you see it I’m sure you’ll like it.”
    Alex and Larry cast their lines into the still water, but got no hits. About twenty minutes later Larry got a bite.
    “Reel him in slowly, then yank really hard to really hook him,” Alex said.
    “It’s a big one,“ Larry said.
    “I agree.”
    “Marge is a great cook, but not with seafood particularly. It’s kind of embarrassing. Maybe Edna could cook him.”
    “Sure. No problem. That night the Walcott’s crossed the street to Larry and Edna’s.
    Marge went into the kitchen to see what Edna was up to. Out of respect for Dr. Walcott no alcohol was served.
    As they talked Larry discovered that another of Walcott’s hobbies was flying.
    “I got my pilot’s license two years ago. I don’t own a plane, but I do rent one once or twice a month. Sometimes in the winter we’ll rent one for several days and fly up to Colorado to do some skiing.”
    “I’ve never been skiing and I’ve never been up in a small plane,” Larry said.
    “Well, I’ll have to take you flying sometime. It can be a little scary at first, but then you learn to enjoy it.”
    “That’d be good.”
    After dinner the Walcott’s went back home and Larry and Edna retired to their bedroom.
    “Did you know that Ralph is a pilot?”
    “No.”
    “He’s got his license and everything.”
    “It sounds like you have a man crush on him.”
    “No. It’s not that, it’s just that he’s so successful and all. Kind of makes me feel small.”
    “It’s not a competition. I like you just the way you are.”
    Larry went to the window and peered through the blinds.
    “You’re not going to believe it. They’re at it again.”
    “They didn’t close the curtains?”
    “No.”
    “Do you think they are exhibitionists?”
    “I don’t think so. I just don’t think they realize that we can see them.”
    “God. I’m glad we don’t do that.”
    “Oh, I just remembered. They invited us over for dinner day after tomorrow.”
    “Isn’t that a little too soon? I feel like they’re taking too much of our time.”
    “I know. It’s just that they’re new to the neighborhood and don’t know anyone else. We’ll make it the last dinner for a while.”
    The next evening, Larry and Edna crossed the street to the Walcott’s. Edna was carrying a bottle of wine.
    Marge answered the door.
    “Oh, you brought wine. I’ll get three glasses.”
    “Just two,” Larry said. I’m trying to take a break from it for a while.”
    “I just can’t wait for the steaks,” Edna said. “While we’re waiting could you show us your studio?”
    “Sure,” Marge said. “Follow me.”
    The two of them followed Marge to the studio.
    “Wow. These are great,” Edna said.
    “Edna paints a little bit herself, don’t you honey?”
    “Not really,” Edna said. “I just do painting by numbers. Nothing like this.”
    “I like your painting just fine,” Larry said.
    “I’d like to see your work,” Marge said.
    “Okay. Another time.”
    Dr. Walcott approached the group.
    “You two are in for a big surprise. Marge cooks a mean steak,” Walcott said.
    “Why don’t we go out to the porch and I’ll put the steaks on the grill?” Marge said.
    “Wait until you taste these steaks,” Dr. Walcott said.
    Marge approached carrying the bottle of wine.
    “Want a refill, Edna?”
    “Sure.”
    “How about you, Larry? Have you changed your mind?”
    “No. I’m still gonna abstain.”
    The four sat talking around an outdoor table when Marge jumped up.
    “Oh, shit!” Marge said. “I forgot about the steaks.”
    Marge went to the grill and examined the meat.
    It’s charred,” Margaret said.
    “Let me look,” Dr. Walcott said.
    “See? I wouldn’t feed them to a dog.”
    “God. This is embarrassing. How could you be so careless?”
    “Well, I’ve got some bad news. The steaks are ruined.
    “Oh, well,” Edna said.
    “I’ve got an idea. Why don’t we go out for sushi?”
    “Sounds good,” Larry said.
    The four of them drove to the Walcott’s favorite Japanese restaurant.
    They sat down at a table and Dr. Walcott handed Larry a sushi menu.
    “I don’t know how this works. I’ve never had sushi before.”
    “Let me order for you,” Dr. Walcott said.
    Back at home Edna asked if Larry liked the sushi.
    “I didn’t care for it.”
    “In the restaurant you said you liked it.”
    “I was just trying to be polite. Also, I didn’t want to appear uncultured.”
    Larry walked to the window.
    “Are you going to spy on them again?”
    “Yes. Wait a minute. Something’s wrong.”
    “What is it?”
    “He just shoved her onto the bed. Now he’s punching her in the face.”
    “What should we do?”
    “Call 911 and make me a scotch and water.”

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