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This writing was accepted for publication in the 108 page perfect-bound ISSN# / ISBN# issue/book “My Homeland” Down in the Dirt, v205 (3/23) Order the paperback book:

Order this writing that appears in the one-of-a-kind anthology Forbidden Library the Down in the Dirt Jan.-April 2023 issues collection book		get the 420 page Jan.-April 2023 Down in the Dirt 6" x 9" ISBN# perfect-bound paperback book:

All I ever wanted

Josephine Rudolf

    I never cared about diamonds, but John did, and I always preferred the small apartment, it was cozier. When we fell in love, he promised me the world, yet I only ever wanted one thing, I wanted our marriage to last for all eternity not just “till death do us part.” He always told me that as long as he had a soul in his body, he’d be mine; it was an odd saying, but he had always been a bit dramatic.
    We lived a rather humble life as he was an accountant and I a teacher, we didn’t starve but fancy restaurants were out of reach. Our refrigerator broke two weeks before my 23rd birthday, therefore we couldn’t go out for my celebration. I assured him that I prefer eating pizza on the couch with him over any restaurant anyway, yet all efforts were futile as he grew more furious each day. Two months after my birthday I confronted him about his behavior, I told him that his bitterness is destroying our relationship and that it was my birthday, if I wasn’t upset, he didn’t have the right to be either. John didn’t answer he just left. This should’ve been my first warning sign.
    When he returned days later, he had a beautiful bouquet of flowers in his right hand and a pizza in his left. John told me that he regrets how inconsiderate he had been and that he shouldn’t have reacted like this. I embraced him in a warm hug, but I didn’t feel any warmth coming from him, it must’ve been cold outside.
    He proposed to me on New Year’s Eve, the diamond ring should’ve been my second warning sign. However, how could I have seen it if I didn’t even notice the diamond at first. I know it sounds cliché, but to me the ring was nothing of importance, it was solely a vessel for our love. After weeks of people complimenting it, one particularly direct coworker asked me how we could effort a diamond of that size. I don’t remember exactly what I answered but I remember what I felt, it was like the moment before a leg cramp when you know that horrible pain is inevitable, yet you still try everything in your power to make it stop. After that day I could hardly focus anymore. This time I didn’t want to directly confront him, for I was worried that it would end like the last time. I eagerly waited for weeks for something related to come up, so I could sneak my way into this conversation. We were watching TV on a cold Saturday when my opportunity finally arrived, my savior came in form of a documentary about blood diamonds. It took all of my willpower to wait for the first advertisement break, I looked at my ring finger before breathing in deeply. Apparently, I wasn’t as subtle as I thought as he interrupted me before I could even utter a word. He told me that the only blood on that diamond was his. His wording was strange and unsettling, but throughout the years, I have come to terms with it, I had to.
    He didn’t say much when it came to planning our wedding, I chose a summer wedding so we could celebrate outside. He loved the idea and proceeded to ask me if the ceremony would be outside as well. I told him that I’d prefer to go inside the church, he became furious and told me that he hated inconsistent people and that if I wanted an outside reception everything must be outside. I obliged, at the end of the day I still got to marry the man of my dreams, so I was happy.
    After we got married everything took a turn for the better, he got promoted and our financial problems were gone. He also managed to buy us a beautiful house with the wraparound porch I had always dreamed about. His bad temper subsided as we could now afford all the luxuries and fancy dinners he had always wanted for us.
    The following years were wonderful until one day a mysterious debt collector called, John told me not to worry about it. I tried my best to stay calm, I told myself that even if we would have to sell the house I’d be fine, I never needed the luxuries anyway. A few weeks after the mysterious man had come into our lives, John began taking courses at night. He never told me what they were about, I supposed that he just wanted to protect me from listening to boring stuff I wouldn’t understand anyway. He died exactly two months ago and ever since I have done extensive research, now there is only one question I have left. The pastor asks me what my question is. “Will I go to hell for doing this?”, he can’t answer as my knife has already cut his throat. “I’ll take that as a yes,” I take a deep breath before taking the pills out of my bag. As I swallow them, I whisper “Almost there, John.” It Only takes a few moments before darkness swallows me completely. I wake up in a strange place, I smell a hint of sulfur and my limbs are bound. Then I hear a familiar chuckle out of the distance, my beloved John taunts me. “Killing a pastor? You definitely changed Maria.” His voice has always been like music to my ears, regardless of the content. “Actually,” I replied, “I didn’t, I have told you from the beginning that all I want is to be with you forever.”

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