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Those Celebrity Couples

Doug M. Dawson

    Millie walked into the Kmart, did a quick right turn and headed for the KCafe. She soon spotted her friend Gilda, a sixtyish retiree, pouring over a newspaper.
    “Gilda – reading again, I see.”
    “It’s what I do. You can learn a lot by reading.”
    “I see. What are we learning today?”
    “Just trying to keep up with Javanka.”
    “Ja-what-ka?”
    “Don’t you know anything? That’s Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump – Do I have to spell it out? President Donald Trump’s son-in-law and his daughter.”
    “Oh, that’s right.”
    “They’re a celebrity couple, power players. Say, you’re not keeping up.”
    “You mean they’re a big new item I just have to know about, like the situation in the Middle East, U.S. election races, global climate change?”
    “I’ll say. You just don’t know.”
    “Know what?”
    “What people like them can do. They’ve been described as omnipresent and omnipotent, able to force their will on ...”
    “Cut it out. So, this is what you spend your time on, doting on these ... these names ... who cares?”
    “I care, and so will you, if you’re smart. If you don’t keep up, you’ll just get left behind. I love these important people, they’re ... super-couples; models and inspirations for all of us.”
    “Well, I never ... I wonder what Jablonka ...”
    Javanka!”
    “Oh, excuse me. I wonder would they’d say about that. I also wonder what other celebrity couples I’m missing out on.”
    “I’ll give you some historical perspective, since you seem to need it. Remember the good old days, when we had Bennifer ...”
    “Refresh my memory.”
    “C’mon now. That was Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez – Bennifer. Effectively destroyed when they made that movie ‘Gigli’ and when JLo demanded a pre-nup, delaying the wedding.”
    “That’s so-o-o-o important. How could I have forgotten?
    “And then there was Bradifer ... you do remember them? Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston.”
    “Oh, yes ... more poor souls, caught in the throes of a rocky relationship - the gruesome details, the paparazzi, the nastiness, the spite ...”
    “I bet you barely remember it - or how important it was at the time.”
    “Go on, now you’ve raised my curiosity about these immensely important couples, with all their pairing off and breaking up. Tell me – how many of these couples have you accumulated in you log book, or diary, or manifesto or whatever you must be keeping to remember them all?”
    “I don’t need any memory aids! OK, here goes; there was Brangelina ...”
    “At last, one I remember – Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, right?”
    “There was Robsten; that’s Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson ... there was Kimye – Kim Kardashian and Kanye West; there was Jennifer Anniston and Justin Theroux - Jethroux; and we can’t leave out TomKat – Tom Cruise and Katy Holmes.”
    “I think I can recall that one too.”
    “Hah! Think you remember something, do you? We’re just getting started here.”
    “Oh, boy – I better settle in for the long haul. Hey Chris! Can I have some coffee – and a bagel, with cream cheese?”
    “Now we’re getting somewhere, you rascal you. There was Zanessa – that’s Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens ...let’s see ... for your less famous ones we had Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Anniston, they were Vaughniston, not to mention Britney Spears and Kevin Federline – Spederline for short and ... oh yeah, I skipped some of the best ones.”
    “Oh dear, I wouldn’t want you to have to live with that – that you missed a couple.”
    “There was Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon – Gyllenspoon!”
    “Hey, that one rolls right off the tongue, doesn’t it?”
    “You’ve got my creative juices flowing now, here’s more: Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez - J-Rod; Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston – Hiddleswift; Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner - Tay-squared ...”
    “Oh, please go on, I don’t want to stop you when you’re on a roll.”
    “And perhaps my favorite one of all ... drum roll ... Wozzilroy!”
    “Now who was that again?”
    “Why you untutored bumpkin, that was tennis star Caroline Wozniacki and golfer Rory McIlroy.
    “Now how could I possibly have forgotten that?”
    “You’re a hick and a hayseed. You need to read People magazine, the arts and entertainment sections of the newspapers, TIME magazine, the ... the.”
    “Oh, shut up. I don’t need to take this from you. In fact, I’m tempted to reach across this table and smack you for some of the things you’ve said to me, but the truth is – I’m a little scared of people I think may be nuts.”
    “Me, nuts?”
    “You sit there and dote on these silly people, just because they’re famous and you’re not. Know what the problem with you is?”
    “Pray tell me – what?”
    “You don’t have a life! You could be taking courses, picking up some knowledge, reading good books instead of this trash and this babbling on like some ventriloquist’s dummy that hasn’t an original thought in its head.”
    Gilda leaned forward and looked intently at her friend. “Maybe I should reach over and give you a smack.”
    “Whoops, just looked down at my watch. Got to get to work and come to think of it, a job may be just what you need to keep your mind occupied – on more important things. Say Chris – make that coffee and bagel to go, will you?”
    “I hear you, Millie,” said Gilda, laughing. “Maybe I’ve given Javanka and the others a little too much time and attention. It’s just a hobby and I do have too much time on my hands. Come to think of it, Since Hope Hicks departure from the White House the Javanka juggernaut has slowed down ... may land on the rocks, who knows? I don’t know about all the others.”
    “Why not let all these ‘power-people’ as you call them fend for themselves? You can’t affect their lives by reading about them and you could certainly use more to do, that’s for sure.”
    “Yeah, guess so.”
    “Just trying to help – see you later, Gilda.”
    “See you, Millie.” Gilda once again buried her head in the “People” magazine.

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