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This writing was accepted for publication in the 108 page perfect-bound ISSN# / ISBN# issue/book “Lonely Visitor” Down in the Dirt v209 (7/23)  Order the paperback book: 
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Arnie, Please
David Berger
“Arnie, please. Of course I’m an Alien. Otherwise, somehow, we’d have evolved here on Earth as talking dogs without you humans knowing it.”
“You’re telling me you’re an Alien, Beanie?”
“That’s right, Arnie. Pretty sharp for a human. Once and for all, yes, I’m an Alien.”
“Are all dogs Aliens?”
“Arnie, I know that you’re just a dumb human, but c’mon, man!”
“Why are you telling me this, Beanie? Aren’t you concerned that I’m going to spread this around the world? That you’re an Alien?”
“Arnie, when this is over I’m going to erase your memory of me like a file on a cheap hard drive. In fact, I’ll do it two or three times so there’s no “code” left whatsoever. If you’re not careful, I might wipe out your love life.”
“Why are you talking to me like this?”
“Fun, Arnie. It’s why I’m here. Earth is a combination of a vacation and anthropological study site. I’m a tourist.”
“Why’re you a dog rather than a person?”
“Arnie, have you any idea what the human mind is like? Think of a dumpster sitting outside a cheap restaurant for five days in the summer in the State of Mississippi in the USA?”
“That bad?”
“That bad.”
“So why a dog?”
“One of the few decent things humans have developed besides badminton and the abacus. Dogs are actually the embodiment of whatever scraps of love humans have.”
“What about cats?”
“The embodiment of human arrogance.”
“Wow! How many of you are there on Earth?”
“The exact number is confidential, but ballpark, about half a million.”
“All in dogs?’
“Mostly. They’re the most convenient.”
“How do you get here? You must come from stars that are light years away, right?”
“Right.”
“So how do you get here?”
“Wormholes. We travel through wormholes.”
“At the center of black holes?”
“No. Wormholes are everywhere. They’re the elimination system of the universe. They’re full of busted hadrons. And neutrinos. Neutrinos run through the system like water through a sewer. You have no idea how bad neutrinos stink. Awful!”
“What are you like on your own world?”
“You really wanna know?”
“Are you a giant, pink frog or something like that?
“How did you know? ... Just kidding. Actually, I’m a huge ultra-violet cloud covering about a hundred kilometers square.”
“Wow! How do you squeeze down into Beanie?”
“Do me a favor, Arnie. A new name, please?”
“What’s your real name?”
“It’s a song in my language that’s forty-five minutes long.”
“Well what do you want me to call you?”
“Skylos.”
“Skylos?”
“That’s ‘dog’ in Ancient Greek. Classy, huh?”
“Ancient Greek?”
“We’ve been visiting you and studying you for a long time.”
“Do you guys ever assume forms besides dogs? Like a crocodile or something like that?”
“We don’t do reptiles. Their minds are like caves filled with dead rats and spider webs.”
“That’s pretty strong.”... “It is what it is. A buddy of mine was an elephant for a while.”
“What was that like?”
“Turns out that lady elephants spend most of their time standing around gossiping and telling dirty jokes.”
“Really?”
“You ever watch elephants make love?”
“Can’t say I have.”
“He told me it’s pretty funny.”
“What have your anthropologists learned studying us humans?”
“Not much to learn. You’re pretty primitive.”
“That’s not very nice.”
“Your wars aren’t very nice.”
“Yeah. But some of our stuff is cool.”
“Apples are nice. So is melamine. I like the Macarthur Bridge in Peoria, Illinois, too.”
“So do you want to go for a walk or something, Beanie ... er ... Skylos?”
“Arnie, please. It’s raining.”a
