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Say It Now

Nancy Machlis Rechtman

    A few months ago, several of my friends decided that I should apply for an open position in the arts in our city. They believed I had all the qualifications and prior experience that made me a perfect fit for this position. I was very touched that they had such faith in me, but I was sure others were way more qualified. But in an example of positive peer pressure, so many people piled onto the necessity of convincing me that I at least take a chance and apply, I finally agreed.
    The application process was lengthy and detailed. Among the many requirements were two letters of recommendation from people who could vouch for my qualifications for this position and extol my virtues. It’s not often that you get to see an honest reflection of yourself in someone else’s eyes, but these two recommendations touched me to the core. There was nothing false or overly flowery in their writing, but referenced what these friends felt were my strengths, my contributions to the community, and their strong belief that I would be the perfect person for this position.
    How often do we really see the good that others see in us? We usually get compliments when we do something outstanding, or on days when we look particularly good, or if we’ve won an award of some kind. But in the daily struggle to get through a sea of self-doubt, wondering if we’ve done the right thing, agonizing over choices we have or haven’t made, what’s the ratio of self-flagellation to a boost in our self-esteem? We tend to focus on the bad messages we internalize about ourselves. Are we smart enough, kind enough, productive enough? And the biggest one that triggers self-doubt for so many of us: Are we beautiful enough? Why would anyone choose to love us if we have no worth? Or at least not enough worth when compared to the person standing right next to us? What have we done in this world to be proud of? To be looked up to? To say we’ve made a difference?
    There’s a meme I’ve seen online recently saying something like the things that we say about someone at their funeral should also be what we tell them on their birthday. That we should not just wish people a happy birthday and say we love them, but we should tell them why we love them. What value they have brought to our lives and how much poorer our lives would be without them.
    My parents died within a year and a half of each other. When my mom died, one of the most difficult things I had ever done was composing her eulogy through a veil of tears. It was one of several that were given at her funeral. I focused not only all the good deeds she had done over the years, but what she had taught me as I grew up about kindness and living by your values. About not being afraid to speak out when witnessing someone being wronged. To donate to charity and be a giving person in every aspect of your life. And so much more. And later I thought about how much I hoped she could hear our words, because although I always told her I loved her, I wasn’t sure I had ever expressed my gratitude at her teaching me by example what makes a good person, a woman of valor, which she definitely was.
    When my dad died the following year, I also wrote about the lessons he had taught me on honesty and loyalty and standing up for people. In that department, I had been doubly blessed by two parents who had taught such important life lessons. Again, several of us read eulogies that day. But my eulogy was shorter than the one for my mom, because I had asked his friends and relatives to write down their favorite or most impactful memory of my dad so I could read it at the funeral along with my own words. And the stories I received were heart-warming and sometimes surprising to read, since much of what I read was new to me. And showed me things about my dad I had never known. And many of the memories made us all smile and even laugh that day. Truly a celebration of my father’s life. And again, how wonderful it would have been if my dad could have heard the way so many people thought of him and remembered him, and what an impact he had made on their lives. Although I like to believe he did hear it all and that it made him smile.
    But why don’t we let people know how much they mean to us while we still can? What holds us back? Are we afraid we’ll make them uncomfortable? Or that we’ll be too vulnerable? Both options are kind of nuts, don’t you think? If someone is an important person in our life, shouldn’t we tell them why? Wouldn’t it be wonderful to hear that all the little things we do for each other are remembered and matter? And that they have sometimes been life-changing – or even lifesaving?
    When COVID hijacked our lives back in 2020, I was on my own, as so many of us were. And I missed my friends and family desperately. Cell phones and the internet provided even more of a lifeline than ever. And I realized that I wanted to let each person know how important they were to me. Because they were, and it suddenly felt urgent for me to tell them. So I told them. And I sent presents with cards for no reason other than that was another way to express my gratitude for their love and for always being there through the good times and the bad. The cards expressed my sometimes-unspoken thoughts about our friendship and my appreciation for all they had done and often put up with when it came to all we had gone through over the years. And my love for the amazing people they were. And it mattered. Sometimes doing things “just because” can mean more than doing it because it’s a special occasion and we feel that’s what we should do.
    Life is so short. We say it, but do we really understand that our time on this Earth is barely the blink of the eye? That we are but specks in the Universe? Why not make our time here more meaningful, form deeper connections, stop being so afraid of opening up? We need to realize we don’t need to wait to let people know they are of value, that they have made a difference. Because really, what are we actually waiting for?
    And by the way, although I didn’t get the arts position – someone much more qualified and deserving than I was chosen – I did get the gift of hearing things from my two friends that I never would have known if not for the chance to actually read their words about me. And more gifts from the encouragement of so many other friends who convinced me I was deserving, even if I wasn’t chosen. And it helped me realize that while I may often question if I’ve made a difference, if my life has value, it meant everything to me to hear that there are people who believe I have made a difference and yes, my life does have value.
    Our world has become more divisive and isolating than ever in recent years. Empathy and compassion are harder and harder to find. So many of us feel so alone without strong connections. I believe it would make such a difference in people’s lives to know their life has meaning and value and has impacted others in a positive way. And it especially helps to hear those words from other people, because self-validation is oh so difficult, and we seem to accept what we hear from others much more readily than what we should already know about ourselves.
    Don’t wait for their funeral to say those loving words. Say them now. Wouldn’t that be the greatest gift we could ever give another person?

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