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Reflections on Deferred Moments of Love and Loss

Jonathan Odell

When a friend told me of his death, a wall I hadn’t known existed began to
disintegrate into rubble and dust.
And sealed behind the wall, what?

This: Before I knew it was possible for men to love each other, he loved me. And I loved him. And not knowing how to hold such a notion, I put it away for later.

Older now, I have discovered there are many such walls, a multitude of moments stopped short because the next thing would have been too frightening or too difficult, and I was convinced that I was not ready. I was unprepared to go one step further and say, “I’m sorry.” Or “I’ll risk it.” Or “You hurt me.” Or “I forgive you.” Or, finally, “I love you.”

These were the moments I froze in time and placed into storage with the absurd but consoling fantasy that one day, a more rehearsed version of myself would return to friends and lovers and schoolmates and family who had magically held still for me, in mid-sentence, waiting for me to continue the scene. To pick up where I left off, before I had turned away in fear, or anger, or shame.

Upon the news of his death, I knew he had been another moment deferred. I told myself I was not ready, stupidly believing that one day I could come full circle and return to this place of loving and being loved, yet better prepared to let it touch me.



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