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Karla Takes A Karma Crap On Corporate

George Beckerman

    Once again, Karla was tasked with training her latest “new” boss. In her eleven years at NilCorp, Karla has survived two mergers and three department heads who were poached from the outside. Why didn’t the powers-that-be just give Karla the job? After all, she performed exceptionally as de facto department head during her bossless transition periods. And she was cheaper. Much cheaper. But the corporate way is overpay for the shiny new toy. If the stockholders knew about this Godzilla-sized ineptitude, it would send them diving for the sell button.
    The slogans posted in bold on the employee website, “Your ego is not your amigo”, “There is no ‘i’ in team”, helped Karla cope with the corporate “mishigas” (her grandmother’s favorite word), while at the same time made her want to puke. But onward and sideways as they say. Karla, jokingly known around the office as the “boss whisperer”, sucked it up as usual and began teaching her newest student/overlord how to do his job.
    Three months later, an anvil dropped on Karla’s head. That nasty word “merger” poisoned the air once again. This time, Karla and hundreds of fellow NilCorpers, including some of her friends, were victims.
    Webster’s definition of layoff: “The discharge of employees due to economic conditions or shortage of work.” Not true in this case. NilCorp was doing fine, witness the CEO’s balloon numbers annual income-bonus combo. However, the stock market and therefore the stock, not doing fine. Since Wall Street demanded that belts be tightened, it’s Merry Christmas and turn in your restroom keys.
    An HR person told Karla, “It’s not personal, it’s business.” Her retort: “Isn’t that what the mafia says before they whack someone?”
    Karla’s spiraling rent, car payments, and college loan debt put her underwater once she blew through her meager severance package plus unemployment. Tangerine trees and marmalade skies compared to her cancelled co-workers with family to support. Especially Laura, who was eight months pregnant when she was told to take a walk.
    Weeks later, Karla was home searching the daily job postings. The CEO of NilCorp, Bob Quackbush was on Bloomberg business channel bragging without an ounce of shame that celebrations are in order because the share price has gone up ten percent since the layoffs. Karla turned crimson and flung her cream-cheesed bagel at the screen. It stuck to the asshole’s head. Bitchfest lunches with fellow NilCorp unemployed got old fast, though. Karla wanted and needed to do something about the injustice. But what?
    Clearing her brain, Karla began writing revenge ideas on a legal pad. Egg Quackbush’s house. Nah. Childish. Let the air out of the CFO’s tires. Still childish. NilCorp unemployed go on Consumer Reports and unleash a torrent of horrific reviews of their products? No good. They have 1500 products. O.k., how about picking one or two products? Sigh. To NilCorp it would hurt less than a butterfly bite. Dammit, aside from kidnapping the COO’s cat, there must be a way. Think, Karla!
    At 3 a.m., with her bed crowded with the crumpled legal pad pages of rejected schemes, an exhausted Karla noticed the image of Sally Field on her tv screen during a wee hours TCM airing of “Norma Rae”. She was standing on a factory table silently holding up a sign to her co-workers, “Union”.
    At the packed NilCorp stockholders meeting, CEO Quackbush who proudly invited a gaggle of influential financial journalists, ended his presentation with “This merger and the job eliminations will ultimately be a big dividend win for all of our shareholders.” Enthusiastic applause ensued.
    From a corner of the ballroom, Karla appeared, standing on a chair holding up a sign that simply read “Humanity” and began emoting. “Ladies and gentlemen and people of all pronouns!” Murmurs filled the ballroom. “My name is Karla. I am one of those job eliminations! I was one of those NilCorp employees who was kicked to the curb for your dividend increase. A loyal, eleven year employee.”
    A livid Quackbush asked how “she” got in here and called for security. Karla threw it back at the CEO. “As much as it galled me, I bought a share of stock, which gives me as much right to be here as you...sir. As did they.” At that moment, more than one hundred terminated NilCorp employees throughout the ballroom stand on their chairs, all holding signs. “Fired For Your Dividend!” “Compassion.” “Loyalty”. “Greed” with a red line drawn through it.

    One of the chair-standers is a very pregnant young woman. “My name is Laura. I am eight months pregnant. Also axed, for your dividend increase.” She holds up a sign that reads “Greedy Bastard”. “This is the name we will give our child, in honor of your CEO Bob Quackbush. We will apologize to our son, but eventually he will realize it was for an important cause.”
    The terminated one hundred also held up their cellphones, each displaying a Facetime with another discarded NilCorp employee. And on each of those Facetimed cellphones are another layer of one hundred more dumped employees. Karla chimed in: “Seven thousand loyal NilCorp workers across the country unceremoniously sacked. All desperately searching for employment and healthcare, so you can enjoy your dividend increase.”
    Karla hopped off of her chair and drew open the ballroom curtains revealing a wall of street-facing windows. Outside, in clear view of the attendees stands a huge billboard displaying the smiling visage of Quackbush hovering over a gargantuan version of his twenty billion dollar bonus check. Underneath the check in bright, three-dimensional letters: “This man’s bonus can rehire fifteen hundred layed-off employees complete with health insurance.”
    The journalists that Quackbush invited chased him as he desperately tried to dash for the exit. Within weeks, copycat protests hit corporate stockholder meetings across the country. And a movement is born. Karla is being interviewed by Rachel Maddow, when...
    POP! Her eyes spring open. The bed is still populated by balled-up legal pad pages. The tv is still on. The end credits of “Norma Rae” scroll down the screen. For a moment, Karla’s facial expression revealed weary disappointment. Then her eyes, cheeks and mouth formed into a knowing, determined smile.
    It can happen.

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