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This writing was accepted for publication in the 108 page perfect-bound ISSN# / ISBN# issue/book “Distances” Down in the Dirt v213 (11/23) Order the paperback book:

Order this writing that appears in the one-of-a-kind anthology Instant Karma the Down in the Dirt September-December 2023 issues collection book		get the 422 page September-December 2023 Down in the Dirt 6" x 9" ISBN# perfect-bound paperback book:

Adventure to Bizarro World

Bill Tope

    “So what if I’ve had eleven beers tonight?” fumed Darryl, crumpling up another aluminum can and flinging it across the room. It landed in the cat’s litterbox and Baby spat and hissed.
    “What’re you, trying to drink yourself to death?” demanded Olivia, his girlfriend of ten minutes. “If i’d known that was what you were about, I never would have committed myself to your happiness.”
    Darryl blinked. What the hell was this woman, who had just walked through the door an hour ago, even talking about? After snorting up two lines of blow that he’d had in readiness on a pocket mirror, she’d proclaimed her undying love and then passed out. When she awoke, a few moments ago, she had started carping about how much he drank! If he’d wanted scathing criticism, he could have stayed with any of five ex-wives. How could he get rid of her? he wondered. Where did she even come from? She couldn’t even get his name right.
    “Dirwood,” she cooed, “when are you coming to bed, honey?” He rolled his eyes,
    “Who are you?” he asked. He startled, then stared at her with sudden appreciation. She was a dead ringer for the classic vocalist Patti Smith, a gorgeous, sultry, dark-haired creature whom Darryl had always lusted for, back in the day. As if on cue, Olivia suddenly began crooning “Because the Night,” until finally, like a spring-wound toy, she ran down.
    “Tomorrow’s our anniversary, honey,” said Olivia in a syrupy voice.
    “Hell,” said Darryl, “I only just met you...”—he checked his watch— “...seventy minutes ago! Where did you even come from?” he asked.
    “From the constellation Gridiron,” she replied, then she added coyly, “Do you want to see my Big Dipper?” Darryl frowned, looked closer at Olivia, who now resembled Daffy Duck. Darry shook his head, looked away.
    “Olivia,” he said, “you’ve changed.”
    Olivia’s face suddenly assumed a feral, rodent-like expression and she said, “We’re pregnant again, Dirwood.”
    “What’s that to do with me?” he demanded.
    “It takes two gametes to make an embryo,” she reminded her boyfriend of 24 minutes. “We did the dirty,” she told him.
    “I did not...” he began, but she cut him off.
    “You weren’t the biggest,” she said, “or the hardest, but you were the best!”
    Touched by the magnanimity of her words, Darryl preened, threw his arm about her narrow, Patti Smith-like shoulders, and said, “Olivia, will you marry me?”
    “Of course,” she gushed, and threw herself into his embrace.
    An hour later, Darryl and Olivia, accompanied by their five children, boarded a three-stage rocket bound for Bizarro World.
    “It’ll take 430 light years to reach Htrae (Earth spelled backwards),” Darryl told his wife of 84 minutes. What do you want to do to pass the time?”
    Olivia smiled slyly, then replied, “Well, Dirwood, we could work on making more ybabs,” she said winsomely, and the voyage was undertaken.

 

    Previously accepted for publication in Synchronized Chaos.

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