This writing was accepted for publication in the 108 page perfect-bound ISSN# / ISBN# issue/book “Wintering Over” Down in the Dirt v214 (12/23) Order the paperback book:

Order this writing that appears in the one-of-a-kind anthology Instant Karma the Down in the Dirt September-December 2023 issues collection book		get the 422 page September-December 2023 Down in the Dirt 6" x 9" ISBN# perfect-bound paperback book:

Dateline New York City

John C. Krieg

    Dateline: June 18^th, 2023                                        New York City, New York, U.S.A.

    In a top secret sweep this morning, officers from the U.S. Department for the Prevention of Bland (USDPB) rounded up every literary agent in our fair city. Details are murky at this time, but reports of a mass prisoner release at Rikers Island only serve to heighten suspicions that the agents are being held there without bond. Department head, John C. Krieg, a failed writer who had to find another career or starve, has been quoted as saying, “This has been a long time coming.”

    Dateline: June 19^th, 2023                                        New York City, New York, U.S.A.

    Former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani has been retained to represent the agents and he better act fast as food supplies at the facility are running low. At a press briefing held earlier this morning, and only attended by representatives of our nation’s Big Five publishing houses (as crazy as this sounds) Giuliani was quoted as saying: “There is only one solution to this problem – trial by combat!” Chaos amongst the attendees rapidly ensued as nobody knew just who was exactly supposed to fight who. Then Giuliani clarified his comment stating, “The agents, you dopes. Let them fight it out amongst themselves.”

    Dateline: June 20^th, 2023                                        New York City, New York, U.S.A.

    Tickets went on sale today at $59.00 per head for what is being billed as, “The Cranage on the Hudson.” ESPN and other sport networks are engaged in a bidding war to cover the event. All that is left to do now is to develop some iron-clad guidelines for how the battle is supposed to go down and make sure that they are followed to the letter. The agents were given a choice: Be released and pledge to be nice to any author that they were to meet for a period of ten years or go to battle. So far, only three sensitive poetry agents have been released, but the recidivism rate is expected to be high. All proceeds are to go to The Library of Congress.

    Dateline: June 21^th, 2023                                        New York City, New York, U.S.A.

    A lottery was held this morning amongst well-known yet highly disgruntled authors to determine who would act as Master of Ceremonies for this hysterically anticipated event. One Mr. Hardy Harhar of Hillbillyville, California was the lucky winner. It has been widely circulated in conservative circles that Mr. Harhar, an otherwise peaceful and fun loving grandfather and card carrying member of The Oath Keepers, is hot under the collar due to a recent rude and totally unfair rejection. When questioned by reporters he curtly said, “Get me on the next plane out!”

    Dateline: June 22^th, 2023                                        New York City, New York, U.S.A.
    Mr. Hardy Harhar, the author of the bestselling and highly controversial rightwing classic, Why Assault Weapons Matter (2021) arrived at La Guardia Airport at 9:57 this morning. Immediately whisked away to Rikers Island, he met with USDPB officials to establish the ground rules for tomorrow’s barbaric event. Department head, John C. Krieg, could not attend the meeting having to oversee operations in the prison’s metal shop where he personally supervised the sharpening of spears, swords, switchblades, and daggers. The Carnage on the Hudson is set to begin at 10:45 a.m. tomorrow morning. Tickets are sold out, although scalpers are reportedly receiving $1,500.00 per head.

    Dateline: June 23^th, 2023                                        New York City, New York, U.S.A.

    Inside the Riker’s Island Prison Complex courtyard today an indiscriminate and bloody slaughter of epic proportions and too ugly to look at (yet no one could look away) 4,733 literary agents met their end as a national television audience reveled in the massacre. At 10:45 a.m. Master of Ceremonies, Mr. Hardy Harhar, stood on his platform high above the combatants and onlookers and screeched into his megaphone, “Let the Games Begin!” First to expire were the remaining sensitive poetry agents, then the lives of the speculative fiction agents were unceremoniously expunged because they never knew their asses from a hole in the ground to begin with, and were easy pickin’s for the goth horror agents who cut them to ribbons with apparent glee. Above the deafening din of battle expiring cries of “Wrong genre!” and “No platform!” were heard. In the end only the no nonsense nonfiction agents remained, and they savagely turned upon each other. Mr. Harhar, more in an act of distain than compassion, finally called a halt to the horrible carnage at 11:51 a.m. Only three agents remained and all looked like they were mere seconds removed from death. Undeterred, Mr. Harhar looked directly into the cameras and bellowed into his megaphone the one question that any author anywhere has been forced to ask at one time or another during their career: “Now, which one of these bastards do you suppose wants to represent my book?”

Copyright of written pieces remain with the author, who has allowed it to be shown through Scars Publications and Design.Web site © Scars Publications and Design. All rights reserved. No material may be reprinted without express permission from the author.

Problems with this page? Then deal with it...