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On Happiness

Bakhtiar Ahmed

    The evening was morphing into the night. The horizon, painted in shades of orange, pink, and dark blue, was slowly being swallowed by darkness. I was sitting in my car in the parking lot of a busy market, immersed in perpetual gloom, as usual. Outside the car, however, it was a different world. All I could see was happiness – happiness all around – infinite amounts of happiness. Children were running around, laughing, and enjoying. In a corner, under the streetlight, there were three young men, smoking and enjoying the cold breeze. There were a couple of beggars, locked in deep conversation, with smiles on their faces. A young couple was walking towards the car, hand in hand, with an aura of happiness around them. Even the stray cat, sitting under the tree with its tail wrapped around its feet, looked so content and satisfied.
    I was looking at the world outside but could not understand the reason for all this happiness. Why would anyone be happy at all? What is there to be happy about? As far as I am concerned, life consists of dejection and dread – there is no place for happiness. When I look at my past, I feel dejected – ah, the past – what could have been but never was, missed opportunities, paths not taken, doors not opened, words not spoken, in short, regrets, nightmares, and envy. The future, on the other hand, is scarier than the past. Whatever the past was, it has already happened, but the future is staring me in the eyes, ready to pounce. What catastrophes still await, what more I have to go through – the fear of the unknown – nothing can be more dreadful than that. This sums up the meaning of life for me – the past and the future, dejection, and horror. That’s why I cannot understand how and why can anyone be happy.
     But what about the present, you may ask, why not forget about the past and the future and live in the present? Because the present does not exist. The present is that fraction of a nano-second that becomes past before you even realize that it existed. Practically, there is no present, only past and future, only dejection and horror. But then when I look around, everyone is so happy, laughing, having a good time, oblivious to the disappointments of the past and dread of the future, how can that be? If it is possible for them to be happy despite everything, why can’t I be one of them? I envy them, all of them – regrets, nightmares, and envy.

 

First published in The Bliss Factor Anthology, published by Lit-light Publications Pakistan in January 2022.



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