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Reading the Journal of a Crazy Lady

Fredrick Zydek

Entry # 25

When my uncle came home from the war
he told me they killed every German big
enough to die.
It scared me.
I thought
about the baker and his family who lived
two houses down from us.
They were
German.
Would my uncle have killed

them if they lived in Berlin instead of our
little town in the Cascade foothills.
Did
he shoot civilians?

How small did they
have to be before they were no longer big
enough to be killed?
Did he shoot children?
Babies?
I thought about it every day.
When

they told us the Germans killed everyone
big enough to die too, it made me sad.
Soon
I put away my war toys, including the fake
Luger pistol I got for Christmas the year
before Normandy.
Eventually I stopped
playing cowboys and Indians too.
The idea

of killing anyone big enough to die was now
my worst nightmare.
I played my last cop
and robber game when I thought
about how
innocent people, even kids, are often in
the banks I started playing alone a lot that
summer.

I climbed trees, hiked the woods

and creeks on either
end of town.
I read
books.
I took up music, thought about
becoming a jazz vocalist
or actor.
But not
until just now did it dawn on me that to this
day I worry that my uncle was a murderer
even though dressed as a soldier.

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