This appears in a pre-2010 issue
of cc&d magazine.
Saddle-stitched issues are no longer
printed, but you can requesting it
“re-released” through amazon sale
as a 6" x 9" ISBN# book! Email us for re-release to order.
ABC- Average Broadcasting Choices
CBS- Corporate Broadcasting Showcase
NBC- Numskull Brokaw Comments
FOX- For Only Xenophobes
PBS- Public Bored Stiff
CNN- Continuous Nattering Network
ESPN- Exceedingly Silly People’s Noises
C-SPAN- Come: See Politicians Attempt Normality
E!- Egregious!
USA- Un Special Alternative
TNT- Trite N Tedious
MTV- Mendacity TeleVision
And there swirled a series of slogans and spots:
Alcoa:
We can’t wait for tomorrow
(and another country to exploit)-
A folksy way to sell us beer,
having a dressed-down family member address us
But the family member had a numeral after his name,
and in trying to elicit sympathy
he was talking about how difficult a time Prohibition was
You could actually see him shudder
at the memory of how close his family had come
to having had to actually work-
Coca Cola:
the global high sign
(maybe we didn’t take the cocaine out after all)-
The principle behind
having a celebrity
endorse your product
would seem to be defeated
if you have to identify the celebrity-
Coca Cola:
Things go better with Coke
(especially osteoporosis)-
In the season of hilarity and hypocrisy:
there was the third-generation politician,
whose
whole career existed only because of low standards,
smarmily and solemnly promising whole-heartedly
to raise educational standards to undreamt-of levels,
secure
in the knowledge that should such changes ever occur,
his career would already have long been over-
Eveready batteries:
Power to spare
(pollution to spare)-
The ‘new’ service economy:
the classical music station
was changing its frequency,
and
the station ran announcements
encouraging its listeners to come
and have ‘professionals’ change the settings
of their buttons to the new frequency-
Ford:
Quality is Job 1
(except for that Edsel thing,
and that Pinto thing,
and that SUV thing,
etc.)-
Misuse of the public airwaves:
in one of the small slots allotted for fulfillment
of the laughably lax license requirements was
a series that lasted a few weeks,
a series of political pronouncements
posing as public-service announcements
where the anonymous announcer solemnly intoned
that judicial reform and tort reform
were absolutely necessary,
and
this was followed by a doctor’s dire warning
that unless reforms were put in place
immediately,
many doctors would be driven from the profession
(I could hear the cheering
of the tens of thousands who die each year
at the hands of people
who need more practice at their practice)-
GE:
We bring good things to life
(and put good things to death)-
The silly season had become the scary season
and the monsters were everywhere:
televisions visions of politicians scaring up votes;
with the miracles of modern make-up
they all looked nearly human-
GM:
People building transportation to serve people
(Us dismantling transportation that served people)-
A certain candidate claimed
that his business experience
had prepared him for the job
He didn’t explicitly explain
what aspect of his background was germane
(I think he meant that because he was a car dealer
he was already a professional liar)-
IBM:
A tool for modern times
(We can help you
run your holocaust more efficiently)-
A most mixed message
in the men’s room of the bar:
under signs selling cigarettes and whiskey
the splash guard in the urinal
said to say no to drugs-
MasterCard:
For everything with a price,
there’s MasterCard
(Your working so we don’t have to:
priceless)-
Fast and furious the come-ons came in the mail:
one or two seemed to arrive daily,
attempts to tempt me
with generous offers to lend me money
at special semi-usurious rates
instead of the usual utterly usurious ones-
McDonald’s:
You deserve a break today
(unless yoy work for us)-
The billboard boasted of the billions of dollars
the casino had paid out in winnings
in just the last decade alone
It wisely kept silent about the vastly greater billions
it had kept in the same period-
Monsanto:
Without chemicals
life itself would be impossible
(At least,
it would be unprofitable for us)-
The egregious electric utility
was running a series of ads
trying to improve its deseredly-low image:
actors portraying pseudo-real people
asked questions of a company spokesperson
who pseudo-sincerely said good question,
and then delivered a set speech
that did not answer the questions,
after which the actors followed the script
and proclaimed themselves satisfied
(the audience, not so much)-
Texaco:
We’re working to keep your trust
(the hell with you;
we’re working to keep our trust
from those anti-trust investigators)-
The delivery company had a string of spots
where football players suddenly materialized
to chastize business people for using football metaphors
As Johnny Carson might have said,
Not so fast Steroid-Breath
You first
We’ll stop using sports metaphors
when you stop spouting war jargon
when describing your game-
Today’s commercials have been brought to you by Corporate Contempt
One last example of the elite’s contempt for you:
a bank and its associated advertising agency
actually hoped to appeal to prospective customers
by having a millionaire actor tell them
they needed a smarter way to manage their finances
