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Stairway to Heaven

Warren McPherson

    When I was nine years old I believed my religion was the only true religion and that come Judgement Day, as I rode that escalator to the clouds where I was sure to find an eternity of happiness in heaven after having lived a life of sin on Earth that was technically erased by an act of repentance on my death bed, I would see all other believers of all other faiths free falling from those white fluffy clouds into the fiery red pits of Hell below. As I went up, up, up, they came raining down all around.
    As I got on in years I realized my vision of the after-life was a little simple and just a tad cruel. I formed a newer vision (although only slightly different) in which I still pictured myself riding up the big escalator, but now instead of falling out of the sky and plummeting into the inner-bowels of the earth where they would most assuredly receive an everlasting array of unspeakable horrors in Hell; all those religious fuck-ups were crammed onto one big escalator like mine, except going down; To hell, where they would of course reside for all of eternity as tortured souls.
    By the time I left for college I was already questioning the religion into which I was raised. Actually, I was a little beyond questioning and more into the area of disowning. (It really is a fine-line keeping those two apart.) I decided college was the place I could begin to really study alternatives. I took Jewish Studies 101 with Professor Zipperstein my first quarter. Within a few weeks my after-life vision was altered. I was still cruisin’ up on the escalator, but now the hell-bound were sliding down a big ol’ slide. At first I figured “Hey, the powers-that-be probably want all those losers to have a little fun before their souls reach Hades were they will slowly rot and eventually burn in Satan’s fire, only to be continually resurrected so the torment can be repeated indefinitely.” It is only now that I realize with each alteration in my vision of the after-life I was slowly taking steps towards beginning a full-blown religious epiphany.
    One day, after a Jewish Studies class viewing of “Schindler’s List”, I manifested a new vision; and this time it was scary. I was one of the damned riding the slide down to Hell. What if I had been deluding myself all these years and Catholicism was not the real escalator ride to heaven it had promised to be? Could it be that one of those other jerk religions was going to watch yours truly “slip slidin’” away on Satan’s Slope as they rode the “Stairway to Heaven.”
    Professor Zipperstein explained to all us naîveté that every religion thought they were going to be riding that escalator. Jews called themselves “the chosen people” for Christ’s sake. And man, as far as organized religions went they sure had their shit together. I really empathized and admired them for their tenacity and durability throughout the ages. Plus, they practically owned Hollywood.
    And then it all started to make sense, I was Jewish. For some unexplainable reason I had not eaten pork in years. I loved Mel Brooks’s movies. (I must have seen Spaceballs about a million times.) And I had always been against Nazism. My eyes were suddenly opened and I had what alcoholics refer to as a moment of clarity. I knew in my heart of hearts that I was one of the “chosen.” All the “heaven or hell” inner conflict was not a doubt of my true being, but rather a result of a loss of faith in the religion I had been dealt. I knew I had to make a change.
    But like most epiphanies, the answer did not come so easily. Even if I was a “chosen person”, or decided I wanted to convert to Judaism there were still things I felt weird about accepting as truth. I would have to resolve that all Mormons are going to Hell because they were, by no fault of their own, not the “chosen people.” And, sure, I know there are a zillion Buddhists out there and how can that many people be wrong, but I’m sorry, they’re all going to Hell. (I guess that is what makes Hell hell; all the people.)
    But why? The Buddhists are good folk. Just because they are not the “chosen people” they are going to go spend the rest of time in the most vile of other worlds? It was bad enough they had to live in India and China while they were on Earth. The Mormons are different, they are going to Hell because they are a bunch of in-bred cultists with a shoddy religion that is about as stalwart as an origami crane, and I can’t help them. (Even the Buddhists would agree with me here.)
    The more I thought about religion on those long lonely nights when I was the only soul awake the less I started to question the availabilities and the more I started to question the institution itself.
    What is religion and why do people need it so? Webster’s defines religion as:
    1. people’s beliefs and opinions concerning the existence, nature, and worship of a deity or deities, and divine involvement in the universe and human life
    2. a particular institutionalized or personal system of beliefs and practices relating to the divine
    3. a set of strongly held beliefs, values, and attitudes that somebody lives by
    4. an object, practice, cause, or activity that somebody is completely devoted to or obsessed by
    5. life as a monk or a nun, especially in the Roman Catholic Church
    
    After five religious studies classes and many sleepless nights of soul-searching, I deduced that people need religion to fill the gaps in their lives that cannot be filled with real, physical materials. Religion is used to answer all the questions that people cannot otherwise answer on their own. You’ve seen it a million times:
    Person 1: Why did that happen?
    Person 2: I don’t know. I think it was because of God.
    Person 1: Oh. You know, I think you’re right.
    Person 2: Let’s build a temple to him.
    Person 1: Okay. Let me get my purse.
    Well, I had a ton of questions no one could answer. Actually I really only had one, but it was a doozy: Why can’t I sleep at night? Even the great Judaism couldn’t answer that bad boy!
    Now, instead of throwing religion aside as a ridiculous manifestation Man created because he is weak and needs some form of justification and explanation, whether it be viable or lousy, for all occurrences and actions; I went the other way and, even though the greatest of religions could not answer my query, embraced religion. After all, when all is said and done I am still but a man. A tired man.
    And so, I decided to start my own religion.
    Around the peripheral would be the same old run of the mill “Don’t kill, Do good” type bullshit that you already know so I won’t bore you with at this time. But at the core of the faith would be the more recent eternal question of “Why can’t I sleep?” My followers and I would pray to a God for the answers. He would be the God of sleep and all other things important. An all-encompassing type deity. But most importantly, sleep-encompassing.
    I thought I would have a lot of success with my new religion. I marketed to the ignorant and lazy, figuring that lazy people are less likely to work to try and find the answers and would more readily accept my answer of “...because of God.” I also noticed the more ignorant a person is the more religious said person tends to be. As luck would have it most ignorant people were lazy, and vice-versa; so I had myself quite the little demographic already established. The first truly miraculous act of my God.
    One could pray to my God for answers to all the tough questions. Like “Why can’t the teams I bet on ever cover the spread?” or “Why can’t we travel in time?” People needed a God they could ask about possibly stopping mysterious bodily oozes; they needed an entity they could pray to to help them exact revenge on their enemies. It was a long time coming, but we finally had him.
    Being the creator of this new religion I was yoked with a tremendous amount of new responsibility. People wanted me to make appearances, write scripture, talk to our God. It was difficult keeping up. I started to have no problems sleeping at night. In fact, my insomnia problem seemed to disappear. It was a miracle, my religion worked!
    I enjoyed the sleep, but did there have to be so much toil involved? I don’t mean to sound like an ingrate, but why does there always have to be a price to pay for anything you receive from God. Hell, I created my own God and even he wanted 40% off the top. The disciples needed more and more each day, I couldn’t come up with a good name, and I’m not gonna lie to you the work just got too consuming for yours truly. The religion was hard, so I quit.
    The insomnia came back.
    Some might look at my religion and think it a failure. Ah, but that was quite the contrary. My God responded to my prayers and gave me the answer to my most penetrating of questions. It is through meaningless labor that we find peaceful slumber. The fact that my God’s actions ended up killing the religion; some might call that ironic. I like to call it, well, ironic...so what! It doesn’t change the fact I’ve been given divine knowledge.
    The truth is that having to actually do labor is just not appealing to people of my generation. Free, easy answers; that is what my religion was all about! Hell, they don’t even have to be free; I’ll pay $5.95 for a bottle of whatever if it’s going to give me answers. The fact of the matter is if you’re a motivated, hard-working type who is looking to get into the religion starting business there is a whole group of us out here that need answers and are more than willing not to do any work to get them. Don’t think it’s feasible? Brigham Young got a university named after him; put that in your pipe and smoke it!
    After my “failed” religion, my receiving of divine knowledge, and the end of my religious epiphany I was still in a bit of a throw over my vision of the afterworld. I figured since I was a religious innovator the almighty one might allow me into heaven based on the greatness of my mind and my ability to think “outside the box.” (Folks always want those types on their team.) But, then I remembered that Satan himself was the first one to think “outside the box” and look where that got him. So, where did this leave me vision-wise?
    I am not sure.
    I had no visions for many months and then a new one popped up recently. In my new vision I am in my most professional looking business suit, sitting and waiting in the lobby of an unknown corporation. The secretary keeps coming out and calling people in one-by-one for their interviews. All the other applicants have nice leather briefcases but I have nothing. But that’s not what’s bothering me; what’s worrying me is that I have no idea what I am interviewing for. I may be applying for a job I don’t really want at a corporation I despise...



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