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Laying the
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 Ink in my Blood (prose edition)
Pete Derevjanik

    I don’t know how to write what the past has brought us, I don’t know what the future will bring us, I only know about now. I wish I knew what death brings, one of the last unknowns left. I guess the only way to figure things out is to play around with what you do know, what you have seen, what you have felt, and all that you have been told. Is it the freedom we wait for our whole lives or are we just doomed to living in some eternal something?

The Unknown


    The hospital bed was shaking as they dragged my body into a brightly lit room. I was one of the lucky ones, or so I thought. There was a ten car pile-up on the freeway and we were all on our way to death. The nurses and doctors were telling me that I was going to make it, but I didn’t think I could. My car was crushed and no one could have survived. They say your life flashes in front of you when you die. I guess I’m looking for something here, something that could give me hope for survival.

——


    The phone almost drops from my hands. “It-It can’t be right. Are you sure you have the right name? I’ll be right there.” I grabbed my things and rushed out the door.
    ————————————————
    I don’t know what happened next but I found myself in some sort of dream world. I guess it would be what I expected whenever I died, something different than real life, just something you never thought you would see. I can’t understand why this is what happens when you die. We are free, there is no one here to tell you what to do, no one here to tell you that you didn’t believe in something so you can’t live after you die. I don’t know why I don’t believe in Jesus Muhammad, Jehovah or any sort of organized religion. I always believed that we could all find something that we could believe in on our own. Here I am in that place where I always dreamed I would go when I die. There are doors going down a long hallway like an endless row of houses in a suburban development and every door is a memory.

——


    My husband lies on this bed, brain dead and in a coma. Some crash happened on the freeway involving some kid. I can’t believe it, we had just started our life together and now he is half dead in this hospital bed; all because of some kid.

——


    The hallway runs long and seems to go on forever, these must be the doors in my mind, all my memories, all my knowledge, everything I have done and thought about my entire life. I try to decide whether or not to open a door, I’m not sure if I really want to know. I guess this is the point of the hallway, maybe there is something here I can fix, some different life I could lead. A second chance. There is only one thing to do. Find the right door so that I can see what really happens on the other side. The first door I see is one of my childhood, the first day of school. I pull open the door to see what the other end holds. The doorway is just blackness. I force myself through the doorway into the unknown.

——


    The doctors tell me that he still might be able to come out of it; that there is a chance. If this is true then I will be able to go home with him and start a family with him, what we always dreamed of.

——


    The things you think about whenever you think you’re dead are first regrets, and then you try to imagine what you could have done to save yourself. You then realize that you could have done nothing to save yourself and some sort of feeling comes over you and then you are fine. That’s just what’s going through my head as of now, maybe it will get easier.

——


    Wake up! Dammit, just wake up will you. I don’t see why you can’t come out of this. We’ve been through worse problems, been through so much just to lose you to some stupid kid.

——


    The blackness somehow clears and I find myself back in my life relaying a memory of some sort, almost like a movie. The only thing is that I feel like I have some form of control over my body, I feel like I could move it if I wanted to. I lift my arm and the arm moves in the movie, which isn’t a movie after all. Is this what I always hoped for? Is this my second chance to fix my mistakes, to make my life what it should have been? The bad thing is that it was of course my first day of school, I don’t want to be there but since I don’t know how to get back to my hallway of horrors; I am stuck here. I wake up late on this day and I struggle to get my things together and catch the bus. As I run out of my house - without eating anything for breakfast - I arrive in just enough time to catch the bus leaving. I wander back into the house to tell my mother the bad news. With a sigh she agrees to drive me to school. As we leave she fumbles a little and a glass bottle falls onto the floor and shatters. She curses and nudges me towards the door hoping that I wouldn’t recognize what she had done. She stumbles a little as we make our way towards the car; she almost fails but finally succeeds in making her way into the car.

——


    I turn on the television only to see pictures of the accident. Horrible, just fucking horrible; is it possible that he came out of that rubble? They have cops on the screen telling me that the accident is under investigation and all leads are being followed. Bullshit, they know nothing. They are telling me there are two survivors and about twenty deaths. This kid is in for it.

——


    As the car pulls out of the driveway I think that everything is going to be alright. After all I was a child and things are supposed to be simple and easy to understand for a child. Usually a child has it easy. As the car swerves to the right I ask my mother if she is feeling alright. She looks over at me and attempts to reassure me. As we turn onto the road which leads to my elementary school, the car begins to swerve and accelerate. The car flies past a stop sign, onto the sidewalk ending up nicely parked in the middle of a first floor classroom. I try to move myself, realizing that I can’t. It’s too late to fix it again. As the memory fades into nothingness, I find myself back in the hallway.

——


    I don’t know how much longer I can sit here with nothing but these news stories and this half dead man lying here. I just want to turn away to find some possible way to escape. I wonder if there is a chance of escape ever.

——


    I still don’t think I belong here. I don’t think I want to relive my life again as much as I want to change it. I wanted a second chance and now that I have it I can’t even go through with it. Can my afterlife be as much of a waste as my actual life? Being only one way to answer that question, I force myself into another doorway forgetting to see where I am heading.

——


    The accident is back on the T.V. again. The road is cleared and police have collected all the evidence they can from the crime scene. I don’t think they’re going to find anything, fucking idiots, tell my why my husband must lay here in this bed instead of being at home with me.

——


    I don’t realize where I am at first I don’t exactly remember the place. It looks foreign to me as if I had never been there before. Then I see something that reminds me of exactly where I was. Can I get out of this place now? Please I don’t want to be here right now. I see him there on the swing sets, the day before I lose something I care so much about. My little brother was one of the few things I thought I did right in my life. I helped him with his homework, took him out to play, and even fed him dinner most of the time. I knew that I could make him turn out a lot better than I did. His dreams were big and he had a big heart and always tried to make everyone feel better. My brother was a hero to all of us until that day. I watch the movie play on slowly, my brother and I having fun just wasting away the day.

——


    A doctor comes into the room and looks over the charts and checks the machines. He does a couple of field tests and gives me some looks occasionally. What’s his problem? Afraid to tell the poor woman her husband is about to die. Why don’t you tell me you moron? Tell me something I just need to know. He looks over at me once more then tells me that his vitals are dropping and that there doesn’t seem to be much hope now. I just look at him in silence, he looks at me sympathetically then starts to say something but walks out.

——


    It’s the next day already; I want to escape and get away from what was happening. I watch the movie playing through my eyes as we left for the park. When we arrive I sit on a nice bench in the park talking to an acquaintance. My brother goes to play soccer with his friends. I look up occasionally to make sure everything is fine. He seems to be having a good time and there are no problems at all. I continue talking, but I’ve wanted to change this day for my whole life. So I try and I try to move my legs, to move my head, to yell for him, to do something that would make me be able to save him from...from.... the inevitable. It was at that moment I realize that I could do anything and I would have to relive the single worst moment in my life. Its coming I thought...it’s coming...

——


    This silence is unbearable, the machine clicking and beeping. I switch back on the television. They go to the news, back to the car crash. I just want to turn it off, but they say they have a new development in the story so I know I have to leave it on. They have another cop on the T.V., he better tell me something good. I just need to know, I just don’t know how I can go on never knowing. The cop says that he has a video tape of the scene and they are looking over the tape as he is speaking. Yeah, you got a tape; well let me tell you, you better have the answer.

——


    I hear the screams. Screams that have haunted me for almost my entire life. Keeping me up at night and just making everything miserable. It happened I watch as I turn my head and see the soccer ball bouncing away and underneath the car I see a child. I frantically look around for my brother and then start running for the child under the car. I see it’s him, I yell and scream and just wish that it wasn’t. The ambulance arrives and I feel as though there is no chance for me or him. When we get to the hospital my parents still haven’t arrived. An hour and fifteen minutes later when the doctor comes out to tell me there was nothing he could do; they still weren’t there. What was I supposed to do? I find myself back in the hallway. I fall to the floor and wonder why I am in this hallway watching all the bad things in my life return to me. When I look up I see the door that is titled today. The day of my accident? The day that landed me here? Yes, I must see this; this horrible day that has made me more miserable than ever. This day I thought I could have done something right.

——


    I wonder if that kid is still alive. That kid must be thinking some deep thoughts now about all the people that he has killed. He better be thinking about that. I think if he survives I just might have to kill him for what he has done. How can anyone understand what this feels like? They don’t know I see the nurses whispering about that crazy woman who won’t speak to anyone, just sits in her room turning on and off the television hoping something will amazingly come to her. What they expect? They’re not the one’s looking at half of themselves lying so close to death less than five feet away. I’ll talk again; I just need to know before I open my mouth. I feel as if there is something that is preventing me from talking; I don’t know what it is, but I hope it goes away.

——


    I find myself in the car, the car that caused the accident, the car that ended my life as I knew it. I was going to help out a friend. He was in deep, he got into trouble with some people he shouldn’t have and I was going to help him out. There it was the on ramp to the free way; any minute now would be the time. I see the car in front of me speeding by and then something appears out of the corner of my eye.....

——


    The T.V. flashing in front of me is telling me that the police have released the video of the accident. The police chief comes onto the camera telling us how horrible the accident was and giving us his sympathy. What does he know? Then he tells me that they won’t be pressing any charges. How can he say that? No charges for some jackass killing people with cars. Let me tell you there is no way that this video can change my mind. The video comes on and I watch in awe as I see.....

——


    There he was, looking just like someone from my past: a lost child, a son who needed a mother, a brother who needed a friend, a child who should have lived. As he ran into traffic chasing his dreams, I swerve to avoid him smashing directly into the car next to me. As my car flips I see him safely make it out of the road. I knew I wasn’t going to make it, but I gave that kid a second chance. All this suffering means nothing seeing that kid make it back to the road...I smile as the blackness washed away the light shining in from my windshield.

——


    The video ends with some dumb reporter asking me can I believe this? No I can’t believe this, what the hell is that reporter thinking? Is this some hero, has he completely changed the course of his life? I just can’t seem to understand how they can tell me to feel sympathy for this kid. My husband is here lying in a coma and all I hear about is this martyr. What was he saving? I don’t understand. I guess this is all my life is cracked up to being. The machines are going off and the doctors rush in. I can only sit here in silence and stare down at the floor while the doctors attempt to save my husband.



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