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Telephone Pre-Interview

Michael Schmidt

    Mad as Hell and trying to settle down from something or another, the phone rang.
    “Oh, God, what now?” I said to myself. I picked up the line.
    “Yes?”
    “Mr. Schmidt?”
    “Yes? Who is this?”
    “My name is Mina. I’m calling due to the resume you sent us regarding our listing. For the carpet cleaning.”
    “Oh. Okay. Hi, Mina.”
    She giggled. “Hello. I have just a few questions for youÉ”
    “Yeah? Okay. Go ahead.”
    “Are you over the age 21?”
    “Yes.”
    “Okay. Do you have a valid driver’s license?”
    “Yes.”
    “Okay. Do you have reliable transport?”
    “Yes.”
    “Okay. Would you have any problems passing a drug screen?”
    “No.”
    “Okay. Do you have a clear driving history?”
    “Yes.”
    “Okay. Do you have a criminal record?”
    “No.”
    “Okay. How are your bowel movements?”
    “What?”
    “Do you have regular movements, sir?”
    “Well, yes, butÉ”
    “Okay. Are you willing to work on weekends?”
    “Um, yeah. Sure.”
    “Okay. It says here you were attending college. Will that affect your schedule if we were to employ you?”
    “No. I put that one on the shelf.”
    “Okay. Do you live alone?”
    “No. I’m married.”
    “Okay. How is your sex life?”
    “Excuse me?”
    “Your sex life, sir, do you have one?”
    “From time to time.”
    “Okay. And what is that like?”
    “What kind of questions are theseÉ?”
    “Okay. If offered employment, would you be able to start immediately?”
    “Yes.”
    “So, you’re not working currently?”
    “No.”
    “Okay. What is your penis size?”
    “Alright. This is some sort of bullshit gag, isn’t?”
    “No, sir. Just a few preliminary questions, sir.”
    “WellÉerect or soft?”
    “Erect, sir.”
    “Maybe seven inches. I don’t know.”
    “So you haven’t measured recently?”
    “No.”
    “Okay. I’ll pass this along to my boss. Thank you for your time.”
    “Okay.”
    I hung up and had a regular bowel movement, thought about having sex, and, after some effort, got an erection. But I didn’t have the heart to measure.



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