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 Weathered
Nowhere Home

Bill Ecenbarger

        Rafael was crouched against the interior wall of the barn watching the dog tend to her litter of pups. Earlier that night, he had knelt next to the dog while she was in labor. She was Rafael’s favorite animal on the farm. He didn’t know how she became pregnant because she didn’t come in contact with any other dogs that he knew of. She was free to wander off the farm, but, as far as he knew, she never did.
    From the look of the pups, Rafael thought the father might be a wolf or a coyote. But, really, they were too small to tell at this point. They were pinkish-white and looked like little larvae, but with short bristled hair. None of them could open its eyes. They were blind to the world around them. Only their mother existed. There was nothing else to know.
    There were six pups. Rafael had watched each be born. One after the other. Now the mother lay on her side nestled into one of the corners of the barn in the straw on the dirt floor, panting, while the pups jostled for position around her swollen nipples. All of them except one. During the night, just after they were born, Rafael had watched the mother carry one pup by the scruff of its neck to the center of the barn floor and drop it there. She then returned to the other five pups in the corner to feed them.
    The one carried away by the mother was the smallest. Rafael shone the flashlight beam on it, and the pup raised its head, eyes still unopened and rheumy, toward the light. It began moving toward the source of the light. Rafael sat quietly in the midnight stillness of the barn and watched the pup struggle toward him. It did not yet know how to use its legs properly. It could not raise itself up completely. It put its front paws out and used them to drag its body toward the light, toward Rafael. Its progress was excruciatingly slow, but Rafael marveled at its determination. It struggled and faltered and struggled some more.
    Rafael stood and walked over to where the panting mother lay with the other pups. He set the flashlight down near the mother with the beam pointed toward the struggling pup. A beacon. He returned to his spot against the wall and watched. He resisted his urge to pick the pup up and carry it over to the mother. He resisted the urge to go into the house and get some of the goat or cow milk that would be in the pails on the table in the kitchen.
    He sat and watched the pup, amazed and intrigued by the giant blind force contained in that tiny body. It was bigger than anything he had ever seen.
    At some point Camilo came out to the barn carrying an oil lamp. He saw Rafael and saw the flashlight by the mother and he saw the pup struggling toward it.
    “What’re you doing, Rafa? If she doesn’t want him he can’t live. It happens all the time. Let him die. It’s what’s supposed to happen.”
    “....”
    “You’re just going to ignore me, Rafa?”
    “I’m not ignoring. I’m listening. I just don’t have anything to say.”
    “It’s time for bed. It’s late. Come in. Either it will be alive in the morning or it won’t. There are five other pups.”
    “....”
    “You can’t interfere with this, Rafael. No matter how much you want it to be some other way, this is the way it is. If you interfere, you’ll just make the mother want it even less. She might even kill it.”
    “....”
    “If you touch that pup, the mother will smell you all over it.”
    “I didn’t touch it.”
    “Well, you’re trying to lure it to her with the flashlight. But if she doesn’t want it, she doesn’t want it.”
    “....”
    “Look. I’m going to bed. If you want to stay out here and waste those batteries, be my guest. But you’ll buy new ones from your own money.”
    “....”
    “Fine. Maybe you’ll learn a lesson tonight.”
    “....”
    Rafael saw Camilo turn and leave the barn. The light from Camilo’s lantern swung out across the yard toward the house and a deeper darkness remained in the barn in its wake.
    The pup continued to drag itself toward the light, toward its mother. It had traveled less than a half a meter in all this time and still had nearly four meters to go.
    Rafael leaned his head back until it came to rest on one of the worn vertical wood boards that comprised the wall of the barn. He could feel the cracked dry grain of the board at the point where the back of his head met it. He closed his eyes. With them closed, he listened.
    He heard the soft clucking of chickens. He heard an occasional clop from the hoof of one of the horses as it fidgeted in its stall. He heard the squeals of the pups as they nuzzled at their mother’s nipples. He heard the steady panting of the mother. And he heard the sound of the lone pup’s small body inching its way through the straw and dirt on the floor. He also heard the sound of his own breathing and the rhythmic thump of his own heart.
    He must have fallen asleep at some point. When he opened his eyes, he saw that the pup had reached the area near the mother and was trying to push through the squirming bodies of its siblings to find a nipple. Its movements had a certain urgency now that Rafael had not seen as it crossed the barn floor earlier. Each time it got close to one of the nipples, it would be knocked aside by one of the other pups. But Rafael felt hopeful now. It was there at the threshold.
    Suddenly the mother pushed the other pups off of her. She stood and shook herself three times, her back twitching after each shake. Drops of milk from her nipples fell to the straw and dirt. The mother picked the pup up in her mouth by the scruff of its neck. Again she carried it over to the middle of the barn floor and dropped it, and then returned to the same spot in the corner where she lay back down and the other pups continued their feeding.
    Rafael was devastated. Once again he considered taking the pup into the kitchen to drink the goat or cow milk, if there was any left over.
    He estimated it would be light in only a few hours. Then his cousin Elena would be up and would come to the barn to milk the cows. Camilo would be up too, and then it would be time for breakfast. And after breakfast, he would have to workBfirst feeding and watering all of the animals and then helping Camilo with whatever other work needs to be done.
    He watched the pup once again laboriously drag itself toward the light. He noticed that the flashlight beam was weaker than it had been earlier. The pup’s progress was slower as well, but it moved with the same determination it had shown all along. Rafael was profoundly moved by the fierce will that resided in that tiny creature.
    He closed his eyes again and waited. Maybe ten minutes passed and then he noticed, even through his closed eyelids, a change in the quality of the light in the barn. When he opened his eyes, he saw that the flashlight beam was gone. The batteries had finally died. He did not stir. He closed his eyes again to allow them to adjust. When he opened them a few minutes later, he could see the pup still struggling toward its mother, undeterred.
    The pup continued its grueling journey across the floor, covering the same ground it had covered earlier that night. Again Rafael’s eyes grew heavy, and again he fell asleep. This time he was awakened by the sound of the barn door opening. He looked up and saw that the sun was beginning to rise. He saw his cousin Elena carrying the milk pail from the kitchen. She looked at him, then at the dogs in the corner. Then, without a word, she walked to the far side of the barn to milk the cow.
    A few minutes later, Camilo came in.
    “Come on, let’s go. It’s time for breakfast. Leave them alone. What’s meant to be will be.”
    “....”
    “I see you ran the batteries out on the flashlight. I told you, you’re just interfering.”
    “I’m not interfering anymore. I’m just watching.”
    “Well, watch later. Right now it’s time to eat. They’ll still be here when you get back.”
    “I can’t eat yet. I won’t.”
    “Fine. But you’ll do your chores just like everyday. I’ll take grandma’s switch to you if you don’t.”
    “I’ll do my chores. I just won’t eat.”
    Camilo made a sound of exasperation and left the barn. The pup had again reached the mother. It was desperate now to reach one of the nipples. It nuzzled its way past one of the others and reached a nipple. This time it was able to latch on. Rafael could see it excitedly tug on the nipple with its mouth. The rest of its body did not cease moving. It squirmed and rolled.
    Rafael stood up and stretched. He was exhausted and his neck ached. His legs were cramped. He walked over to the bin where the feed for the chickens and pigs was kept. He used the plastic scoop to fill up a bucket. Then he carried the bucket over to the area of the chicken coops. He opened the coops and spread the feed on the ground. The chickens clucked and bobbed and pecked at the feed. Next he walked down to the well and filled up two large plastic buckets. He carried them back to the barn and filled the horses’ water buckets. Then he returned to the well and filled them again. He carried those buckets back up to the barn and filled the trough by the pigs. He watered the cows and then brought a little water for the goat tethered in the yard by the house. After he fed the pigs their slop, he returned to the area of the barn where he had spent the previous night.
    He looked over at the mother dog as she lay there, still panting. He had brought some of the extra water with him to give to her. But as he approached he saw the still form of the pup. It was there, not far from the nipple where he had last seen it. He knew right away that it was dead. He was not surprised. Not even disappointed. But he was overcome with sadness.
    He walked over and picked up the pup’s body. That incredible force was gone from it now. He could feel the tiny bones of its ribs under the spongy skin and bristling hair. He lifted it up to his face. He wept into the limp dead form he held in his hands.
    He carried the body out behind the house along with a small shovel. He dug a two-foot hole and laid the body inside. He covered it. Then he went in and ate breakfast.



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