This writing was accepted for publication
in the 84 page perfect-bound issue...
cc&d magazine (v206)
(the March 2010 Issue)

This is also available from our printer
as a a $7.47 paperback book
(5.5" x 8.5") perfect-bound w/ b&w pages

Order this writing in the book (bound) cc&d poetry edition		order the 5.5" x 8.5" ISSN# book order the 8.5" x 11" ISBN# book

IWIHKY Disorder

Elaheh Steinke

To my ex-friend M who fights against world smugness.

    People keep saying I’m crazy because of how I’ve changed after what happened to me last year in a public bathroom. I would never tell anyone about it for the world but if I tell others about it, it might set me free. Its seems like freedom is a big issue these days.

    Last December I was invited to a party somewhere out of Tehran. Though I’m not a big fan of loud parties with boos and boobs, in fact I avoid them like the plague, I decided to go cuz I simply didn’t have anything else to do. Drinking alcohol in my country is forbidden but pretty much everyone can find a great deal of good bubbly if they try, but I’m a teetotaler and don’t find a good reason to start drinking. Anyway, I was eventually driving the way to Irabad and I was kind of enjoying the road with the wind blowing inside my body, cooling off and letting go of the tension I was feeling. I have a hard time dealing with strangers and new places, I take pills for that and even get hospitalized once in a while just to become a little bit “normal” but nothing really works for me, I’m a weirdo! Anyway, I was enjoying everything - even the broken tape of the old car - when I felt this urgent need to pee. Fortunately - or unfortunately - I saw a diner at the corner of the road covered with the latest snow of the month. It just popped up from the snow at the moment I felt the need to pee. I pulled over and it was just then that I saw the white limo parked in the yard, it had camouflaged there in the snow. I passed the yard and rushed in, getting into the small toilet at the back of the diner.
    I looked around the bathroom and found the only toilet out of order so I figured I had to use the urinal. I hate peeing into a urinal, It’s not that I’m not comfortable with showing some skin, it’s just that I don’t like touching myself while peeing, that’s all. But at that moment, there was no other choice. I zipped down my jeans and was about to pee when the door opened and a vaguely familiar middle-aged man come in. He didn’t go for the toilet; he walked straight to the urinals and unzipped his pants on the way. I was still unable to pee, it was not coming because I had just figured out who the guy was; He was the president.

    Every guy has this perception of what he’d do in dangerous situations, my strategy is run! But at that moment, I had my thing in my hand and my pants were right under my knees. The funny thing is that I didn’t freak out, I thought of my sister instead. She is the most political person I have around as I’m not a political person myself. She is the only one in my family who truly has the guts. I wondered what she’d do if she was standing there next to the president, semi-naked. I’m not sure what she wouldn’t do but I bet she would just turn around and piss on his face though she doesn’t have the right instrument; I’m totally positive. She would somehow manage to piss on the guy, just because in her religion the poor bastard is the dumbest and the dumb shouldn’t be world leaders. My sister flares easily as she has many open cases of our smug president in her mind.
    I also wondered if the political leaders were supposed to have balls! I know it’s just an expression and all but I couldn’t stop my mind from getting into that direction. I have a brain like a 5 year old, it never does what I want when I need it to and at that exact moment, when it decided to make me look over the next urinal, I had no control over it.
    I felt like gagging at the moment I looked over and saw his tiny little penis, I don’t even know why I did such a thing. It was the last thing I wanted to see, the horrifying crotch of the president. He finished soon and left without washing his god damn hands and it was not surprising for me, not at all. It was exactly what I expected him to do, leaving the bathroom with pissy hands. I bet all the fucking presidents leave the toilets without washing their hands, they just live their lives with dirty hands; especially the one I met that day.
    This summer, we had a presidential election and this guy was elected again, unjustifiably. People marched on the streets, held protests and even got killed by the government but nothing changed except for the people’s attitude. My people are the sweetest people on the planet Earth and they never ever thought there would come a day no one would count their vote. We all were chocked and devastated; we never saw the walls around us before but on 12 June 2009 the walls became visible.
    Now I suffer from IWIHKYS - I Wish I Had Killed You Syndrome - I bet everyone has had this syndrome at a period of time in their life but to me, it’s not just a temporary knock out. The thing I regret the most in my life is that, that day I had the chance to knock the guy out and free my people from suffering this much but I just stood there trying to get over my pacifism and suppression of the urine.
    I went to the party that night and drank myself to death, I even ate potty brownies. Smugness and self-destructiveness are contagious and I couldn’t avoid them that night. I was infected by standing next to a scum for just a minute or so.
    Every night at 9:13 I would turn on the TV and watch scrubs just to fill my day with some shallow comedy full of slapstick. But it’s three months that I’ve changed the schedule; I go to the balcony and for half an hour shout “Down with Dictatorship!”
    I live in Iran.

Copyright of written pieces remain with the author, who has allowed it to be shown through Scars Publications and Design.Web site © Scars Publications and Design. All rights reserved. No material may be reprinted without express permission from the author.

Problems with this page? Then deal with it...