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Kristy

Julia O’Donovan

    I was nineteen when given my first anti-depressant due to extreme depression. I was on it for awhile and my doctor felt I was not responding to it well. He wanted to put me on a therapeutic dose which would require hospitalization on a psychiatric ward. I was rather reclusive and unresponsive those first few days and it was then I first saw her. She walked into the room we ate our meals in and then used as entertainment for card games or to just socialize. She was blond, wearing a vertical black and white night gown and white socks. I knew right away we would not get along.
    I learned her name was Kristy and we were in the same therapy group. She had an opinion about everything but not in a snide way. One day I was the focus and we were talking about my fear of driving. “I’ll teach you how to drive” Kristy said. The social worker looked at her and said “Do you have to be such a Fufu about everything?” I busted out laughing. I had never heard that term before and it was perfect for Kristy. From there on I started calling her “Fufu” and she started calling me “JuBear.”
    She pulled me out of my reclusiveness as we became nearly inseparable. One time I said something to her and she went in her room slamming the door behind her. I thought I had hurt her feelings and felt really bad. I was knocking on her door apologizing. She finally came out with a strange look on her face, then spit a mouthful of water on me and took off down the hall with me in pursuit. This was typical between us, running around threatening each other. An older patient told us we should not carry on that way as we were upsetting the patients and could wind up in the State Hospital.
    Kristy had a problem with cocaine. I don’t remember where she stood with alcohol. She denied she was any sort of addict. A staff member and I got Kristyto go to a 12-step study. I was a full-blown- but recovering- alcoholic. The three of us went over the steps. At one point Kristy referred to herself as an addict. This was a huge breakthrough. Even Kristy was surprised how it slipped out. As much as I hated meetings, I offered to take Kristy to the alcohol rehab next door where meetings were held. I did not anticipate any obstacle, but they would not let me go. They didn’t think I was stable enough to leave the premises. I threw a fit because I promised Kristy I would go to the meeting with her. They sedated me and knocked my ass out for hours. I awoke in a fog and Nurse Peggy was standing in my doorway. “I didn’t mean for them to knock you out so bad” She said. Kristy still went to the meeting. I was so proud of her.
    One day when I was walking by Kristy’s room, no one was in there and I smirked at the stuffed animals Kristy had brought with her all lined up on her made-up bed. One of them was a little bear with sunglasses. I took it and hung it by her light chain. She never said a word about it.
    We weren’t always inseparable. You could find us in different places doing our own thing. I recall one night in the recreational room, Kristy sitting in a chair against a window. She had a pad of paper in her lap and would randomly jot things down while smelling a rose she held in her hand. It was a rose someone had given her. I found myself touched by the sight and later wrote a poem about it:

Watching The Princess Hurt

Sitting in the corner
Writing a letter
Holding a rose

Tell me who it is
On your mind-
I don’t want to know

Your eyes far away
Gazing into space
Smelling the rose

Was it the rose
You wished just once
He would have given you?

Just once you wished
He would have said
“I Love You”

He took the fantasy world
Of the beautiful princess
Turned it into a whirlwind

Is there anything
I could say
To make the princess smile again?

    I don’t recall the conversations we had, I just recall having a lot of fun and if you are having fun on a psychiatric ward, you are not dealing with your issues as to why you are there in the first place. The one conversation I do remember is after her discharge date was set. As it loomed closer we exchanged addresses and phone numbers and both admitted when we first saw each other were sure we would not get along. The day Kristy left was very emotional. Her family waited between the Nurse’s station and the elevators while Kristy clung to me sobbing. She tried going to her family only to turn around and hold onto me again sobbing. She seemed so helpless I got a tissue and held itto her nose so she could blow. I did that twice. Her family was getting impatient and she had to go. I watched the elevator doors close and lingered a moment. It was winter and I often wore a flannel robe over my t-shirt and jeans.
    When I got back to my room, there propped up on my pillow was the bear I had hung from Kristy’s light chain. It was small enough to fit in my robe pocket. I wandered around lost with this little bear poking out of my robe pocket.
    About a week went by and I didn’t have a roommate so I was able to keep my light on late and one night wrote a letter to Kristy. It was pretty late when I shut my light off. The next morning I awoke and there stood FuFu next to my bed! I bolted up and gave her a big hug. She was just there a few days as they decided to put her in short-term recovery in a facility about three hours away. I think they arranged it so we wouldn’t see each other before she left. After she left I went into a downward spiral, becoming reclusive and not eating. I was sent to a long-term treatment place but only lasted a week before realizing I was not as sick as these people were. I started eating then signed myself out Against Medical Advice (AMA) and went home.
    I constantly tried to call Kristy but she would never come to the phone. It’s not like she knew who it was. She just didn’t take calls. She would write though and I wrote quite a bit. After she was released we talked on the phone a few times. She got involved with an abusive guy and had his baby. She was on the phone with me one day when there was a lot of noise in the background and she yelled “No! Don’t!” and told me she had to go.
    One day when my mom picked me up from work she told me Lisa called and was a realtor showing a house in our neighborhood. I walked in just as she was seeing a couple out. “JuBear!” She yelled “FuFu” I yelled. She was just finishing up so offered to take me home. It started pouring rain and she had to collect her signs. She pulled into my driveway honking the horn yelling “The loonies are here! The loonies are here!”

    That’s the last I had any contact with her. I did a people search on her and think I found her. I tried to contact her but heard nothing. I guess she does not want to be found.

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