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This writing is publishe in the May 2010 issue
(v208) of cc&d magazine.

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The Mess

Dina Stuart

It’s a mess.
Cleaning up his shit.
And then there’s no shit.
I suggest laxatives.
She tells me “No.
Laxatives will make him bleed.
I know this.
I’m a nurse.”
I try to hug her tears away.
She says, “It doesn’t matter.
He refuses to eat anyway.”
She sits heavy in a chair
As if they are her bones
Instead of his that won’t
bend to the contours of the cushion.
“Sometimes I think,”
She tells me,
“that it might be better
To let him die.”
But we don’t
Because we love him.
So we feed him cottage cheese
While he fights us
With trapped-animal fear.
His caregivers have become
His imaginary adversaries.
He babbles incoherent
Wisdom while I
Try to make conversation
With his flailing hands.
The day ends with
His complaint of how
cold his feet are
And him wandering around
looking for the life
Someone stole from him.
She watches from
The kitchen where she
Practices her exhalations.
I kiss him on his forehead,
Tell him I’ll see him tomorrow
And he watches his hands
Wave goodbye while I exit
The house he thinks is not his.
Only to return tomorrow
To the mess.



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