He’s No Genie-us
Gerald E. Sheagren
Conrad Barnes strolled along the beach, wet sand squishing between his toes, the tide lapping gently against his ankles. Gulls squawked overhead. A trawler crept along the far horizon. Since the five-mile-long beach was extremely private, there were few sun-worshippers. To his right, huge cottages of glass, cedar shakes and stucco stretched for as far as the eye could see; multi-million dollar monuments to the rich and famous.
Conrad was in his element here, for just last week he had officially become a billionaire. He had downsized yet another company, moving its operations to Mexico and China, and putting another two thousand people out of work. In return, he had gotten a seven-digit bonus, a portfolio of stock options and a Mercedes straight off the assembly line, with his choice of color and interior. And along with this very generous package, he had acquired a new moniker – Cutthroat Connie. He’d experienced a small pang of guilt for adding so many people to the unemployment lines; a pang that lasted all of fifteen seconds.
Laughing giddily, he broke into a jog, letting the salty breeze muss his helmet of very sexy, silver-colored hair. God, he felt exhilarated. A billionaire! A do-as-you-please, no-holds-barred, nothing’s-too-expensive billionaire! He jogged for nearly a mile, slowing once to give a bathing beauty a look at his trim, well-tanned body. Finally, starting to huff, he came to a stop near a haphazard expanse of rocks, slimy green with algae and a roosting place for the gulls.
And that’s when he saw it; a bottle bobbing on the water’s surface, perhaps twenty feet from shore. A wine bottle by the looks, with its label long washed away and its cork still in place. As he wondered whether he should go out to retrieve it, a wave hurled it ashore, smashing it against a rock. There was a whooshing noise, followed by a puff of smoke; a puff of smoke that slowly, ever so slowly, began to take the shape of a — of a — of a frigging genie! He closed his eyes in disbelief and opened them a few seconds later, but the genie was still there; short and roly-poly, with a ruby-set turban, white shirt, purple pantaloons and golden slippers with upturned-toes and tassels.
“Jesus H.! You’re a — a — a goddamn genie!”
“I must say, sir; you are extremely observant.”
Conrad glanced around to see if there were others to bear witness to what he was seeing, but the beach was empty.
The genie regarded his surroundings, obviously displeased. “Of all places; I wind up in a spot like this. Gull shit and slime and what’s that over there — a used condom! No, no, this won’t due, at all!”
“This is some sort of joke, right? No, wait; I’ll bet it’s a movie.” Conrad turned in a complete circle. “Where’s the camera crew?”
Ignoring him, the genie tweaked his nose and three ugly crones appeared; scraggly hair and warts, beggars’ clothes hanging on their scrawny bodies. They smiled in tandem, their teeth gnarled and gapped and yellowed with age.
The genie groaned, shaking his head in despair. “I’m a wee bit out of practice. Nearly a hundred years in a bottle will do that. He tried again, and, this time, three buxom, raven-haired virgins appeared, milky-skinned, breasts nearly bouncing out of their tasseled tethers “Ah; now that’s a lot better!”
Right before Conrad’s unbelieving eyes, the three virgins led the genie away from the rocks, and, with another tweak of his nose, a large, red-satin blanket appeared on the sand. A few more tweaks and he was lounging against a pile of plush velvet pillows, as two of the beauties fanned him with red ostrich plumes, the other plucking grapes from a cluster and popping them into his greedy mouth. Soon, his slippers were off and his shirt unbuttoned to his plump midsection.
Although shaken by the happenings, Conrad was still able to grasp the extraordinary opportunities. “Uh — I was wondering; do you think you’d be able to grant me three wishes? I mean; that’s what genies do, right?”
“Mister Barnes, isn’t it? Mister Conrad Barnes.”
“This is absolutely amazing! That is my name.”
“It appears, Mister Barnes; enough is never enough.”
“Well, that is the American way.”
The genie pondered for a few moments, stroking his double chin. “I suppose I can do that for you. But, I must warn you; I am extremely out of practice. When that happens, I can get a little mixed up with words.”
“Hey! I’m more than willing to take the chance.”
“The risk will be yours, sir.” The genie giggled as one of the virgins began to tickle his belly. “Actually, I can grant more than three wishes if you desire; ten, twelve, twenty, whatever.”
Conrad’s mouth fell open at the possibilities. Bushel baskets; no, dump trucks full of money! A manor house in England and a chalet in the south of France! A yacht the size of the Queen Mary! Oh no, genie-boy; enough was never enough.
The genie’s eyes grew wide, glimmering more than the ruby in his turban. “Well, sir; your wishes are my commands. What — pray tell – shall be your first?”
Conrad decided to keep the bigger and better for last. “Well —.”
Suddenly, in the blink of an eye, he found himself surrounded by darkness, water up to nearly his knees. He reached out blindly, his fingers roaming over moss-covered stones. Far above, he could see a pinprick of light. Suddenly, something stung his hand and he pulled it back, hugging it against his chest. A spider! It had been a spider, for sure! Where in the hell was he; the darkness, the water?
“Genie! What in the hell have you done to me? Where — Where am I? Genie!”
“You did say ‘well’, sir; so I gave you a well.”
“I didn’t mean a water-well, you idiot! I was only using the word as an expression! You know; as in ‘well, let me see.’”
“There’s no need to get testy. I told you I might have a little problem with words.”
“Okay, okay! Get me the hell out of here! Give me a break!”
Suddenly, Conrad was transported from darkness to eye-blinking brightness. There were lots of people from the way it sounded; shouting and cat-calling and stomping their feet in unison. Finally, adjusting his eyes to the glare; he spotted hundreds, perhaps three, four thousand people seated on all four sides of a — of a wrestling ring, of which he was right in the middle! Some were jumping and waving signs, others, wild-eyed and waving their fists in the air!
And, then, he saw him, standing in the far corner of the ring; a huge, shaven-headed man, with rings in his ears and a scraggly, chest-length beard, his python-like arms festooned with tattoos! Then the giant started to move in his direction; a slow, steady thump, each footfall vibrating the canvas flooring!
“Genie! These aren’t wishes, they’re frigging nightmares! Get me out of here! Get me out of here, right now!”
Before Conrad could realize or react to what was happening, the goliath sprang forward, grabbing hold of him and hoisting him high across his shoulders in an airplane spin! Round and round and round he went, followed by a mighty slam to the canvas. As he struggled to catch his breath, he was flipped over onto his stomach, an excruciating pain shooting down his arm, a feeling as though it was being ripped from its socket!
“Aaaahhhh! Ah, ah, ah! Get me out of here! Why are you doing this to me?”
“If my memory serves me correctly; you did say ‘give me a break.’” And that’s what Crusher Rockwell is about to do.”
“You frigging jerk! Aaaahhhh! Ow, ow, ow! I didn’t mean it literally!” Conrad screamed in pain, pounding the canvas with his fist. “Aaaahhhh! Damn, damn-it-all, damn!”
In an instant, Conrad found himself on his back, staring up at an angry gray sky; lightening flashing, thunder rolling, rain slashing at his face. What in the name of God has the genie gotten him into, now? He tried to sit up, a jolt of pain shooting from his shoulder clear down to the tips of his fingers. Had the Crusher indeed broken his arm? Groaning, he sat up and looked around, finding that he was only inches from a wall of sandbags. Thunder boomed like a kettle drum, lightening snapping and crackling overhead. Someone laid a hand on his shoulder and he looked up to see a man dressed in a yellow construction helmet and rain slicker.
“C’mon, pal! You aren’t doing us any good just sitting around!” The man shielded his face with a hand to ward off the rain. “The river’s rising and we need more sandbags!”
“Huh?”
Disgusted, the man turned and shouted over the din. “If one more layer of bags doesn’t work, we better get the hell out of here before we all drown like rats!”
Alarmed, Conrad struggled to his feet, just as a surge of brown water sent a sandbag flying past his head. There was a mighty clap of thunder, strong enough to shake the soggy ground beneath his feet. More sandbags toppled, men shouting frantically! Nearby, water shot through a hole in the barrier, bowling over two men as if they were nothing but rag dolls! Lightening snapped like bull whips.
“Jesus Christ, Genie; get me the hell out of here! Are you out of your mythological mind?”
“It is you, sir, who is out of your mind. I distinctly heard you say ‘dam-it, dam-it-all.’”
“I meant ‘damn’ not ‘dam’! DAM!”
“You must be more specific. Otherwise, we won’t accomplish anything.”
“You half-ass, idiot!”
“Uh-uh-uh. Sticks and stones, sir. Sticks and stones.”
Suddenly the whole wall of sandbags began to sway, water spouting through more and more holes! The workers began to retreat, scurrying like scared rabbits toward high ground.
“Genieeee!”
Just as bags began to fly like ten pins, Conrad found himself on the beach, his piercing scream startling gulls to flight. He laid there for a long time, trying to catch his breath, his heart feeling as though it was being squeezed by a giant fist. Shit, that was close! He had nearly drowned!
“Well, sir, I must say; you look a might worse for wear.”
“You’re no genie; you’re a fat, fucking —!”
“Please, sir; would you refrain from such language around the ladies.”
Conrad had never felt so bad in his life. His arm was throbbing with pain; he was soaking wet from head-to-foot; and the spider bite on his hand was starting to swell and itch! He struggled to his feet, groaning at the exertion, and found the genie smiling at him, as one of the virgins rubbed oil onto his plump belly..
“What kind of an idiot genie are you, anyways? I wanted wishes and you gave me nightmares!”
“Well, sir; I did explain to you that I was a bit out of practice. I haven’t been out of that bottle in ninety-eight years.” One of the virgins held out a date and the genie plucked it from her fingers with his teeth. “Give me a little time and I’ll be as good as new.”
Conrad looked down to see that the spider bite had turned flaming red. “You know something; I should be committed to a loony-bin for having anything to do with you.” Realizing what he had just said, he started to wave frantically. “No, no, no! I didn’t mean that!”
In a second, he found himself standing in the middle of a room, people shuffling all around, mumbling and laughing to themselves and pulling at their clothes. A wild-eyed, spike-haired man, clad in a food-stained robe, reached out and grabbed hold of his arm, babbling something that only he could decipher.
“Leave me alone, you moron!” Conrad gave the man a mighty shove, sending him flying head-over-heels. “Genie! Enough is enough!”
“Hey!” A burly, white-clad attendant rushed over, subduing Conrad with a bear hug. “We’re not going to have any of your crap.”
“Let me go! Release me this instant, or I’ll sue your ass!’ Conrad squirmed and kicked, but to no avail. “You have no idea the trouble I can cause you!”
“Oh yes I do. Hey, Tom, get over here and give me a hand with this guy!”
Another attendant joined the fray, grabbing Conrad’s feet and pulling them out from under him. “Who is this dude, anyways? I’ve never seen him before. What’s with these beach duds, all soaking wet?”
“I told the doctors never to admit anyone without giving us the heads-up. We best get him to one of the padded rooms before he hurts someone.”
“Get your hands off me, you imbeciles!” shouted Conrad, as he was carried down a sterling-white corridor. “Genieeee! I’ll shove your turban up your bung-hole for this!”
There was no answer.
One of the attendants laughed. “Man, he’s really gone. What did he say about a genie?”
“Genieeee!”
Still no answer.
