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cc&d magazine (v213)
(the September 2010 Issue)

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E.D.

Ronald Brunsky

    Without a doubt, God has a unique sense of humor. Look at the world we live in. The better something tastes, the worse it is for you. Spend too much time in the great outdoors, and you’ll develop skin cancer.
    God’s humor becomes a bit more twisted, when it comes to sex. He creates homosexuals, and then convinces mankind that they are evil and the work of the devil.
    The heterosexual doesn’t escape his wrath either. He gives man a continuing urge and desire for sex, but then takes away his ability to perform. And for the coup de grace, he decides that when a man’s best years are behind him, his spouse will just be reaching her sexual zenith.
    Man’s ability to perform during his teenage years was never a problem, the opportunity to perform was. Remember those days, erections and wet-dreams — your Johnson would often have a mind of its own — growing at the most inopportune and embarrassing of moments. Never again would you be so potent, yet society frowned on sexual activity during that period.
    So why, when the equipment goes on the blink does the urge continue? Well, take Ed for example. Happily married for over twenty years, with an attractive wife who has barely started to show her age. His sexual prowess had been diminishing, and completion of a love-making act had become a rare occurrence. How rare? Well, if it was classified as an animal, it would be on the endangered list.
    But his desire was still present, and as strong as ever — no aphrodisiac was needed for his libido. He became a master of improvisation. Still, complete satisfaction remained an infrequent event. Frustrated, he tried pills, vitamins, exercises and various gadgets with little success.
    One night unable to sleep and feeling unusually horny, Ed went into the living room to watch TV. There was a movie on that he always liked — an old detective flick, 1940’s circa. But it was different, the hero and the girl were kissing, but they didn’t stop there. He began to undress her, and soon she was completely nude. She was posing in positions that Ed had only dreamed of. She was unbelievably hot! He had never been so turned on. What was going on?
    Just then they had a commercial break, and a man started talking about an erectile dysfunction cure. Ed swore he was talking to him alone.
    “Have you tried all the remedies out there, and still no success? Are you tired of failing to satisfy your partner?”
    The man’s appearance began to change. His face reddened and became long and narrow, and his ears were now noticeable pointed.
    “Is being able to fornicate like you were eighteen again is important to you? Then just follow these simple instructions.”
    Ed was ready to try anything. He was worked up to a frazzle.
    “Place your left hand on your groin, your right hand in the air and swear your allegiance to me.”
    “I swear, I swear,” said Ed.
    “All you will have to do is say these magic words: I WANT A BIG ONE. Anytime those words are uttered out loud, within your earshot, immediately you will possess a hard-on like you have never had before. But I warn you; you must commence an act of sex with a partner within fifteen minutes. Otherwise, your penis will continue to grow and eventually drain every bit of blood from your body.”
    The screen went blank and he fell asleep in the chair. Waking up about six he went back to bed.
    Fay heard him come into the bedroom and sat up and turned on the light by the bed. “Where have you been?” she asked.
    “Sorry, but I fell asleep in the living room.”
    Ed noticed the strap on Fay’s nightie fall off her shoulder partially exposing her ample breast. Desire was consuming him and he leaned over to kiss her.
    “Not now Ed, it’s barely six AM.”
    “If I can get old Captain Winkie to salute, will you change your mind?”
    “Yea, that’ll be the day,” she answered, as she turned off the light and laid back down.
    “I’ll be right back.”
    Ed went into the bathroom. He didn’t want Fay to ever know the magic words. He dropped his pajama bottoms, looked into the mirror and quietly said, “I want a big one.”
    He felt a tremendous rush and was amazed to see his penis grow. He could never recall having such a long and hard erection. He proudly walked into the bedroom and turned on the light, and pulled the covers off of Fay.
    “What are you do ...” her eyes quickly fixed on his enormous member, “sweetheart get over here.”
    They made love like they never had before. They both called in sick and stayed in the bedroom all day long. Their lovemaking episodes continued with an astounding frequency for the next few weeks, including a couple of unexpected copulations.
    One such experience happened when they were walking around the town’s annual festival. They were passing an ice cream vendor, where a man was carrying his little boy on his shoulders.
    “What size ice cream cone do you want, Bobby?”
    “I want a big one,” said the child.
    Ed panicked, there wasn’t any privacy to be found anywhere. Their car was too far away. What would he do? Time was running out. Finally, he grabbed Fay by the arm, and pulled her into a nearby port-a-potty and initiated a violent round of love-making that nearly overturned the structure.
    This unexpected reversal of their sexual fortunes had come at the perfect time in Fay’s life. She never questioned Ed’s sudden revival south of the border; her carnal appetite had been aroused and seemed insatiable. Ed couldn’t turn her requests down. He felt he was making up for the years of inadequacies. But the furious pace was wearing him out; he realized he couldn’t keep it up. He had to get some rest, and the only way was to get away from her for awhile. He decided a little fishing trip would do him a world of good. Fay reluctantly agreed to let him spend a day by himself.
    Saturday morning Ed drove to the lake, and took his boat out to a distant part. It was a beautiful morning. He felt nothing but reverence for the peace and quiet of the setting, and the opportunity to relax and recoup his strength before returning. Once anchored into his favorite fishing spot he decided to check in with Fay.
    “Hi dear, just wanted to let you know that I’m ok. I’m at the far end of the lake, about an hour out.”
    “I miss you already,” she said.
    “I think I need to recharge a little, if you know what I mean. I’ll be a new man when I get back tonight.”
    “Sweetheart, I can hardly wait.”
    “With a little luck, I’ll catch a few perch — your favorite.”
    “That would be great.”
    “Have the frying pan ready — hope to have a couple on my stringer when I get home.”
    “Remember, put the smaller ones back,” she said.
    “Because?”
    “I want a big one.”



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