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This writing was accepted for publication in the 84 page perfect-bound issue... cc&d magazine (v214) (the November 2010 Issue) |
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Seizing Control
Michael Fourman
“I had that dream again.”
Every time Katie and I have a fight, I dream that I kill her. It’s never the same way. I’ve shot her. I’ve strangled her. I’ve even run her over with my car. Katie hates the dreams because they scare her. I use her fear to seize control. My Dad taught me that a man proves his love for his wife by controlling her. I love my Katie. She’s my world, so I control her.
“Katie?” When I looked over to her side of the bed, it was already made. Guess she’s in the bathroom.
Last night’s dream meant we’d fought. In this dream, I stabbed her to death. I wish I could remember last night. We were both drinking. I told her dinner tasted like crap and that she should take a cooking class. I’m sure she got pissed. When she gets pissed, I have to seize control.
Getting physical with her is something I don’t want to do. It’s just...she gets so hysterical and I do what I need to do. Usually, a harmless slap settles her down, a trick I learned from Dad.
She wasn’t in the bathroom. She must be in the kitchen, making me breakfast. That’s more like it. The last time breakfast wasn’t ready she watched me leave for work through a swollen eye. I didn’t want to hit her, but she left me no choice. Besides, the make-up concealed the bruises. No one ever knew.
“What the?” Something was in the bed beside me.
A knife? Dried blood painted the blade.
I slammed the knife against the wall and screamed at Katie, “What did you do, damn it?” Her silence angered me even more. “You know how I get.” Rage merged with fear. The body. What if the police come? Where would I hide it?
I paced for what seemed like hours. When I’d calmed down enough to think, I realized what this meant. I’d lost control. I’d lost Katie. My heart ached and I felt like I had a fist lodged in my throat. Dad never mentioned this could happen. I didn’t know what to do. Finally, I threw myself beside her.
Cuts and bruises scarred her face but she still looked more beautiful than ever. Last night no longer mattered. Katie was gone.
I can’t live without you. Eyeing the knife, I knew what I had to do, seize control.
“Together, even in death.” I picked up the knife and felt its weight in my hand. The icy blade on my wrist sent a shiver down my spine. I sucked in a deep breath and made a diagonal cut. The sting surpassed any pain I’d ever felt. Quickly, I changed hands and finished the job.
Blood oozed from my wrists and soaked my lap. My stomach turned and I felt the heat slowly leaving my body. I closed my eyes and fell flat, facing Katie. My breathing slowed. White blotches exploded in my mind and I expected to see Katie float through the light and welcome me into her arms.
I opened my eyes to take one last look at her. She would be the last thing I saw in this world. I tried to speak but was too weak. I love you, Katie. I’ve seized control.
My heavy eyes closed again. I felt a burning in my chest and arms and the white lights returned. I focused on each shallow breath, thinking it would it be my last.
Movement nearby forced my eyes to open. Katie’s fiery eyes stared back.
“My God. It worked,” I heard her say, getting up. Then, I felt her hot breath burn my ear, “You son of a bitch. You’ll never hit me again. I’ve seized control.”
