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This writing was accepted for publication in the 84 page perfect-bound issue... cc&d magazine (v214) (the November 2010 Issue) |
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Geronimo Reading the L.L. Bean Hunting Catalogue
John Duncklee
I was born Goyahkla, that means in Apache, “one who yawns”. I can only conclude that I was either a sleepy baby or one who was bored with my surroundings. My people, called Bedonkohe, were a branch of the Eastern Chiricahua. You can read all about me elsewhere because now I want to tell you about the time my spirit came back from the mountains and I found an L.L. Bean hunting catalogue lying beside someone’s mailbox outside a ranch. This was on the road that now leads to the Cochise Stronghold. I was headed there to try and resurrect Cochise’s spirit so that the two of us could have a long talk about our days fighting the White Eyes when they came to Arizona to steal our hunting grounds and murder us as they did using the Papago at the Camp Grant Massacre.
It was far too hot on that ranch road to stop and read the catalogue, so I stuck it under my arm and continued on to the Stronghold. You may question why my spirit was not immune to the hot desert of Arizona, so I must tell you the truth; Apache spirits are so close to the owner of the former body that heat and cold have the same effect as when that body was alive. You can believe that or not, but if you are White Eyes you probably will not believe it just like you never believed the Apache was telling the truth. Therefore, you lied to the Apache almost every time you spoke, especially if you were a military or government person.
Back to the heat, I must say that these machines you White Eyes have outside your wickiups that keep the inside cool are quite nice. We never had anything but breezes blowing through the sticks from which we made the walls of our wickiups. We stayed inside our dwellings during the heat of the days and hunted in the evening when the animals came out of their dwelling places. They stayed away from the heat of the day for the same reason we did.
I must tell you that my people considered me a good hunter. I was also known as a better trainer of warriors than a warrior in my own right. So, you can see why I was so interested in the L.L. Bean Hunting Catalogue.
Upon reaching the old Stronghold, where Cochise stayed between raids against the White Eyes, I was appalled to see that the White Eye government had changed it into a campground for vacationers. Such a sacred place should never have been marred by such sacrilegious an act. In spite of my fuming anger, I sat down on a log, pulled the catalogue from under my arm and opened the outside cover. What I saw made my eyes open wide. I was not startled, just amazed at the shotguns. Had we been able to have shotguns like those we might have beaten General Crook. He was the Fellow who rode mules that we Apache consider the greatest delicacy going. He outsmarted us by paying our people to be scouts and to kill us if they could.
The clothes those hunters wore on that first page were strange, especially the orange hats and vest. Even their dog wore an orange collar. Don’t these White Eyes understand that deer and pheasants are color blind. And, don’t they realize that with those clothes with orange make good targets? The hunting bag they call Magnum Duck Blind Bag and say it is functional. It looks to me to be more than I would want to carry around when I am trying to hunt. Also I wonder if the duck they are hunting is blind. It should be easy to kill.
On the next page there are some things I really fail to understand. The vest that holds electronic stuff seems expensive and that GPS thing I found out is to find their way around so they don’t get lost. Now, if that isn’t a typical White Eyes rig. I remember when they would get lost trying to find us. Maybe they should have had one of those GPS deals back then. And, those boots that you twist a knob to tighten on seem quite overdone for my taste.
Turning the page I saw Technical Upland Shirt and Technical Upland Pants. I wonder if they would call our Apache britches and skirts Technical Apache clothing. Back then I guess they wouldn’t bother because all they cared about was dead Apache warriors, and dead Apache women. They even were proud of dead Apache children because they knew they wouldn’t grow up to become Apache warriors and raiders.
Then next page, more of the same clothes with different names and an orange whistle. That ought to be good at scaring deer away. Maybe that was for when they get lost and their GPS quits with a low battery. More clothes and orange hats. They call it “hunter orange”. Nice looking dog, though.
The following page had jackets for winning the wrestling match with thick cover in our rugged briar turning coat. We Apache wrestled with one another but never with briar patches. Down below they started showing knives and tools. Another page and more clothes about the same as before and again an orange whistle. Maybe those orange whistles are required equipment.
The next page showed shotguns close up and all kinds of clothes for “shooters”. At least they said “shooters” and not hunters, because I doubt anyone could ever hunt loaded down with all that stuff I had seen on previous pages. On the next page they have a school for Outdoor discovery. Now that is a way to make a buck. I used to train warriors for nothing and they turned out really well. Ask General Crook!
Finally a couple of bows and arrows, but they sure as hell don’t look like the bows I made, and the dude shooting the arrow wearing dark glasses. I wonder if those are for not seeing the target.
After colored glasses, gun cleaning stuff and earmuffs come all sorts of knives. These are all about the same size but they all have different names. My question is how does a hunter carry all these knives that they say are for different purposes. Again there is more stuff to weigh the White Eyes down. I am beginning to wonder about these White Eyes hunter fellows. Next are flashlights. Do these dudes hunt at night? Why?
The next page is full of electronic stuff that blows me away so I will not describe this mess. Do they bring a tech person along with them when they hunt? Or do they call the tech people in the Philippines on their cell phones. Then again, their cell phones might be out of range. I guess I had better not go there!
The next nine pages are clothes to hunt in I assume. I wouldn’t want to be caught dead in any of it. For the most part the clothes are doen in what they call “Camo” these days. That’s the lazy way to say Camouflage. Perhaps they shorten it because they cannot spell the original word. These clothes in so-called “Camo” must be used for suicide attacks because wearing this type of clothing hides one from other hunters so they cannot see what they are shooting at. That seem superfluous since they probably can’t see what they are shooting at anyway with their bellies full of beer and booze. I do have an interesting picture in my mind of all these hunting fellows out scouring the countryside for their deer to tag, and they end up bumping into each other because with this clothing they cannot see one another. At least the deer survive because they can see exactly what is coming after them.
The next page pictures what the White Eyes must have copied from Apache because these are wickiup with Camo and they call them “Primos Gunhunter’s Blind”. Copycats!!!
The next few pages are full of more equipment that I haven’t a clue about, but again I think with all this weight these hunters would need the stoutest mule ever born of a mare to carry them and their stuff around to hunt for their annual deer. Following that are Camo women’s clothes. Wow, I thought women stayed back in the wickiup taking care of the children and cooking for their men who were out hunting. Times do change, don’t they?
I am half way through the catalogue, but I will summarize what is left. There are spy glasses, dog beds, more guns, enough boots for an army and more other just stuff that is for any possible occurrence while off in the wilds chasing game. From what I have seen in this catalogue deer will never become extinct and for that I am quite happy.
I sure wish Cochise could have been here with this catalogue and me. I am sure he would have enjoyed looking at it. I did. I will tuck this catalogue under this log. Maybe Cochise will find it.
