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Nullipara

Julie Kovacs

Unlike many of my friends growing up
I never wanted children of my own
nobody to bathe, feed, change diapers
nobody to play Tetris or Donkey Kong with.

Dreaming of the accolades for that first fashion show
was more of a priority on my mind
not even knowing how to respond when the boss’s only
daughter brought in her firstborn so everyone could coo over it.

That seemed a long time ago
dodging the question when I was not even married
social pressure makes not for a personal choice

status quo of happiness was superficial
when women were clearly fatigued as they wheeled
their toddlers around the mall in SUV strollers.

Feeling far from lonely there was nothing to burden
certainly no labels to take place
the young mothers were too busy with their newborns
no time to bake bread, knit, or do cross stitch
the sort of things I loved while growing up.

I have not lost my womanhood.

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