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This writing was accepted for publication
in the 84 page perfect-bound issue of
cc&d (v221) (the June 2011 Issue,
the 18 year anniversary issue)




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I Can’t Let Go

Mel Waldman

I can’t let go. I try. But the guilt
sticks to my skin, and that which
escapes slithers into my brain.
I can’t let go.

Letting go might drive me insane,
and madder than Mt. Vesuvius
when it destroyed Pompeii,
I would walk the earth

without the familiar pain,
empty and lost,
unbearably
alone.

So I can’t let go, although I
dream of doing so. Yes, I
dream of being free.

But the guilt’s part of my
identity. How sick is
this irrational
attachment?

Who am I without my guilt?
I can’t imagine. Beneath
the sundry layers of my
sinless guilt, is a
stranger. And I
fear him,
as
I

fear the unknown and death.
I can’t let go. Yet I dream
each night of doing so.

Wrapped inside the darkness,
my burial shroud, I dream
of being free. But I’m
bound to guilt, you
see;

and within my dark dreams,
I watch myself leap off
a lonely cliff again
and again.

I fly into the abyss; I die,
until I wake up. Even
then, my soul is
saturated with
panic;

unholy palpitations pound
relentlessly; perhaps, I’ll
pass away with my early
breaths of consciousness.

Yet I live. And so I must
explore this enigmatic
guilt unrelated to real
sin; attached to
something
brutal,

something ancient and
antediluvian,
something

incomprehensible,
buried in the
hidden
caves

of my psyche;
something
horrific
buried
in my
soul.



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