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Fatal Secret

Stephanie Fleming

    No one ever seems to talk much about colons. I imagine most people know they have one but it’s never a popular topic of conversation. I’ve never heard anyone say, “I don’t feel well; I think something is wrong with my colon,” or “My colon aches, I must have eaten some bad seafood.” But the colon plays a very important role in digestion and it would be hard to live without.
    As a twenty-seven-year-old girl, I didn’t know much at all about my colon. I had actually never even thought about it. I went to the doctor regularly, got check-ups, visited my gynecologist once a year. My doctor never asked me how my colon had been doing, so why would I have worried about it? When I started having pains in my chest area, I thought about my heart. I felt I was too young to have a heart attack. My doctor told me I was fine and not to worry, “probably just indigestion.” When I noticed an excessive amount of blood left behind in the toilet, he told me not to worry, “probably just hemorrhoids.” I listened to my doctor, did what he said for two years. He was the expert. Even when the pain continued and the bleeding got worse. I changed my diet and hoped for the best.
    Becky Samson, a girl I worked with at the bank had a heart attack one day and had to be rushed to the hospital. She recovered thanks to her “guardian angel” who is really just an extremely skilled cardiologist, Dr. Boros. He told her the attack was brought on by work-related stress. As soon as she told me, I knew what was wrong with me. Everyday at the bank in the commercial real estate department was stressful. I’m going to have a heart attack, too, I thought. So, ignoring my doctor’s advice, I did something. I got Dr. Boros’s number and made an appointment. He really was as amazing as Becky said. He ran every test he could and discovered my heart was in perfect condition. I was relieved.
    He referred me to a gastroenterologist, Dr. Rudik, to find out what was causing my symptoms. Dr. Rudik was not quite as pleasant as Dr. Boros but I hoped he could find out what was wrong. The first time I saw him, he insisted I have a colonoscopy. That, I was not looking forward to. (They put a tube and a camera inside you, colon first.) But after it was over, Dr. Rudik diagnosed me with Crohns disease. All I could think of was what an awful sounding name it had. He had no idea how I got it and he told me there is no cure, only medication to ease the symptoms. There was no way to know what would happen next.
    Over the next few days I researched and read everything I could find about the disease. I discovered the disease was characterized by ulcers in the wall of the colon and often resulted in diarrhea and weight loss. I was excited about the weight loss; at least something good would come out of this. But the diarrhea and the other symptoms were embarrassing. It wasn’t a diagnosis I wanted to share with anybody.
    The next week, the bank’s commercial real estate department was dissolved. The bank had been sold to a larger bank that had its own real estate department which was being downsized as a result of the horrible economy. The new bank didn’t keep any of the old employees except those that were needed to make a smooth transition. And I was not needed.
    I spent months looking for a new job to no avail. The jobs available were few and they were extremely outnumbered by the people searching. After much consideration, I decided to go back to school and fulfill my dream of becoming a doctor. Maybe then I could treat myself. I applied to a few medical schools and for a lot of student loans. I was so happy when I got accepted into my first choice. I had three months until school started.
    The Crohns acted up a lot, mostly because of stress but also because I ran out of medication and my health insurance expired. I had no money to pay for new insurance and with my preexisting condition, I was unlikely to get it anyway. But all I needed to do was stay healthy for a few years and then I could take care of it.
    I loved school but it was hard to keep up when I was constantly running to the bathroom. I was too ashamed to tell anyone about my disease. I managed to make it through two years of medical school. On the first day of my third year I collapsed. The disease had left me weak and the diarrhea left me extremely dehydrated. My teacher called an ambulance and I was taken to the hospital. I managed to tell the doctor about the diagnosis before losing consciousness.
    Six days later, I woke up. The doctor told me there was nothing that could be done. The Crohns had advanced throughout my intestines, making surgery impossible. Now, at thirty-one years old, I know what will happen next – death. There is nothing I can do but wait for death. And all because of an angry, ignored colon.
    It feels so strange, knowing I’m going to die. The doctor doesn’t know how long I have but without a working colon, it shouldn’t be long. I have to keep tubes attached to me and a bag that holds my waste. As if I wasn’t embarrassed enough before.

* * *


    I’ve missed too much school to try to go back and I don’t want to go with these tubes. I’ve taken a part time job editing for an on-line medical journal. With my two years in medical school, the job is perfect for me and I can work from home. I feel weak and the three hours a day I work is all I can handle anyway. Right now I am editing an article about Crohns Disease and Ulcerative Colitis. I wish I had read this five years ago when my symptoms started. I had never even heard about either disease back then and I used to love to read health magazines and women’s journals. I thought I knew everything about women’s health. I was so wrong.
    I am bothered that the article doesn’t focus on just Crohns. It is a disease worthy of its own article but when I did the research I noticed it is always lumped in with other bowel-related diseases. My death should be enough to show it can stand alone.
    I love editing. I wonder why I didn’t find this career years ago. I had always thought of becoming a writer or an editor but work at the bank was so stressful I had no motivation to do anything else. Working at home is awesome. It gives me plenty of time to play with my dog, although we can’t go on long walks like we used to before I got sick. I think I like editing even more than I would being a doctor. It’s funny how I have found my perfect place in life just as I learn it has to end.

* * *


    Tomorrow my best friend, Ashley, is coming over so we can spend some time together. She saw me in the hospital but doesn’t know how serious it is. I have to find a way to tell her I am dying and a way to say good bye to the best friend I have ever had.
    Ashley and I have known each other since we were children. We were inseparable growing up and through college. We were roommates in the college dorms and got an apartment together after graduation. Ashley met Jim the next year and they got married and had a child, Evan. I don’t see her as much as I used to but we make sure to never let too much time go by without getting together. She was the first person I saw when I woke up in the hospital.
    Evan is my godson and I adore him; although he made me see that I probably don’t want to have any children of my own. Evan is eight years old now and in third grade. He is so excited because this summer he is going to play little league baseball. I told him I would be at all of his games. Instead, I have to explain to him why I will probably not even get to see one.
    Now, I have to talk about my colon. I think about it every day. Now, I have to face death. I try not to think about it. But I must face it soon, it is a fact I cannot edit. And I must say goodbye to my friend while I still have the chance.



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