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This writing was accepted for publication in the 84 page perfect-bound issue... Down in the Dirt magazine (v099) (the October 2011 Issue) You can also order this 5.5" x 8.5" issue as an ISSN# paperback book:						This writing also appears in this 6" x 9" ISBN# paperback “Symbols Manifest” Order this 6" x 9" ISBN# book:

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Never Alone

Kelsey Hebert

    From inside her hospital room, Remy watched her mother not able to decipher what the doctor was saying, but knowing that something wasn’t right. She had a fluttering feeling in her stomach that she just couldn’t ignore. Her mother’s lips didn’t move but she started to cry. Inside, Remy started to panic. What was going on? Remy knew she had leukemia. She knew at any moment her disease could be fatal and that at any point something could go wrong. Something could go wrong and she would only have moments to live. Seconds, minutes, hours, no one knew how long she had left.
    The hospital had been Remy’s home for several months now and she was getting sick of it. She hated the blaring white walls and the white sheets and stupid TVs that detached from the wall so they could move closer to your face. She liked the color the balloons and flowers brought to her dreary room but she hated that people felt bad for her. She wanted to be home, in her cozy bed with the ivory comforter and the support of her family surrounding her.
    Remy’s mother entered the room interrupting her thoughts. You could tell she was trying to get rid of the bulk of her tears, not wanting to worry Remy, but she already knew what was coming. She had expected it from the way her mother reacted to the doctor’s words. “What’s wrong mom?” Remy inquired half urgently, half expectantly.
    “Remy honey, there is a problem,” her mother replied stuttering of the words.
    “What mom? Tell me,” Remy demanded.
    “Well baby, according to your blood work, your leukemia cells have overcome your normal cells and you will only have hours to li-li-live.” Remy started weeping.
    “If I have to die from this, with no way to prevent it, I don’t want to die unhappy. I want Dad to be here and Tage. Can Taylor come too? She was the only one that cared for me in school and very important in my heart. She made my time in school worth while.” Remy tried to be convincing. Trying to convince her mother that all she wanted was to enjoy the rest of her life with her family, but deep down inside, she was horrified. She didn’t know what would happen when she died. She cried with meaning knowing that it would be the last time she cried. The last time she would be in the hospital bed. The last time she would see her mother, her father, her brother and her best friend. The last time she would live here, on Earth.
    Remy’s mother left the room, still sobbing, to call all of the people closest to Remy’s heart. Remy watched her mother as she sat on the phone, her makeup smeared across her face and her eyes sunken in. She knew this was it, but she didn’t want to live her last moments depressed. She wanted to be strong, not only for herself but for her family too.
    “You’re father and brother will be here soon and Taylor is on her way.” Remy’s mother startled her out of her deep thoughts. Remy stared at the ceiling not wanting to see the look on her mother’s face. Seven minutes later, everyone rushed into the small room. They must have been speeding, Remy thought, because it was at least 15 minutes to get to the hospital.
    “I want a moment with each of you separately. Mom first, then Dad, Taylor, and last Tage,” Remy choked out knowing what she wanted but also breaking the deadly silence that was filling up the room, suffocating her. The others left leaving her alone with her mother.
    “Mom,” Remy stammered, “I don’t want to die.” Remy said urgently, trying to be strong but letting her weakness seep through the cracks.
    “I know Remy honey,” her mother replied, “but it’s going to be alright. You will be okay.” Remy could tell she her mother was also trying to make herself believe this. Believe that Remy really would be okay and everything really would be alright.
    “I love you Mom. I will miss you but always remember that I love you more than anything else in this world.”
    “I love you too Remy, more than this whole universe. You have been the best gift anyone has ever given to me and I’m sorry you had to live your life this way.” Her mother’s tears dripped down on her hospital gown as she stooped down to give Remy a hug.
    “Thanks Mom,” Remy replied, “Could you please send in Daddy? I will see you in a little while, when I finish talking with everyone.” Her mother left the room and her dad entered hesitantly. He walked as if his movements could kill his daughter, like one wrong step and everything would end. “Hi Dad,” Remy stammered.
    “Hi honey. Remy, I want you to know that you are one special girl and I would never give you up. I love you so much and I want you to know that we will never ever forget you and that you will be just fine.” Remy’s father broke down. He was trying to be strong but he snapped like a twig. He started bawling. It was the first time that Remy had seen her father cry in all her life and she started crying with him. He wasn’t the emotional and nurturing kind of person. He was always the sturdy one in her family. He was always tougher than thick black leather, unbreakable.
    “Dad, I love you too,” Remy whispered through her tears, “don’t forget to remember me and I won’t ever forget you. I will always be daddy’s little girl and that will never change. Even if I leave this world I will spend the rest of your life in another.” Remy’s father left the room without saying another word because he couldn’t through his tears. Remy turned away from the door. She didn’t want the horror to go on. She heard the door open and close and turned to see Taylor coming to her bedside, already sobbing.
    “Taylor, I just want to thank you for everything. You were the only friend I had during school and you made it so fun. You were the only one in school that wasn’t scared that I had no hair. Remember when we put the tack on Mrs. Fallangi’s chair before she sat down? We had so much fun together and I want to thank you for it.”
    Taylor looked at her for a moment, tears hitting her favorite Hollister shirt like daggers. She wasn’t sure what to say so she replied with “You’re welcome” and “I love you too” and left the room. Tage was the last to enter. He came in with a look of distress on his face. He wasn’t crying yet, trying to be the big brother that he was, but you could see the anguish in his eyes. Tage and Remy had been close siblings since infantry and this one single moment was ripping them apart. Physically and mentally shredding them to pieces.
    “Tage,” Remy muttered. Her crying had stopped for a moment, but tears were welling in the corners. “Thank you for everything. Especially thanks to all the times you helped me after I got this disease that has to end my life today. Thanks for all the times you brought me my dinner in bed and gave me a bucket when my treatments made me sick. I’m going to miss you Tage, everything that we used to do and everything about you. I’m going to miss how you would hug me after school knowing that I was with you one more day. I’m going to miss the way you told me goodnight before you went to bed yourself. Remember all those times when we climbed that tree in the backyard waiting for Mom to call us to dinner and we would just sit up there at laugh at her when she did? Remember all those games of soccer and baseball where you would knock me over and make me chase you all around the house? Tage, you are the best brother anyone could ever have and I love you to death. I have always loved you and always will.” Remy’s words faded at the end of her last sentence and she realized that all of this was making her weaker.
    Then it started, Tage started to cry. It started slowly, only a small trickle but soon the tears were streaming down his face like a river. This weakened Remy even more. Seeing her dear brother cry was the worst thing she had ever experienced. It was worse than her treatments and even worse than dying.
    “I love you too Remy and I remember everything we did together and I always will.” He sat down next to her on her bed and bent down to give her a hug and kiss on the forehead. Then for moments they sat there lying in each others’ arms, silent.
    Remy could feel her muscles starting relax. She felt her whole body become weak. She whispered slowly to her brother one last time. “Bye brother,” she said and slipped slowly into the unknown. As her eyes closed and she drifted into the side of her brother’s chest, Tage got up.
    “Goodnight Remy, for you will suffer no more.” He replied as he kissed her closed eyelids and got up to go to the door. He carefully placed Remy’s head against the pillow behind her. When he reached the door, he looked back at her one more time. Her limp, skinny body lay still. Her beautiful turquoise eyes shut. He opened the door and stepped outside, closing himself out from Remy and Remy out from this world.

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