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Heaven, Dogs, Gorillas and Aliens

R. W. Lowrie

BILL. Hi. How’s it going?

AMY. (Speaking a little slowly) I’m feeling pretty low right now. (sniff)

BILL. Why? What’s the matter?

AMY. My wonderful poodle Rascal died yesterday. I miss him. He was like one of the family. (Sniff. Wipes a tear.) He was such a good dog!

BILL. I know, you can get pretty attached to a dog. Or a cat, even.

AMY. (pause) I wish there was a dog heaven so I could someday see him again.

BILL. Maybe there is, who knows?

AMY. I’d like that. (pause) Maybe there’s a cat heaven, too?

BILL. Sure, why not?

AMY. I don’t want a snake heaven, though. I...don’t... like... SNAKES!

BILL. OK! OK! No snakes. Dogs and cats, but no snakes. That’s OK by me.

AMY. But where do you draw the line? At snakes or at something else? For example, I don’t care for skunks. No skunks in heaven either, far as I’m concerned.

BILL. I’d draw the line at dogs and cats. That’s enough for me.

AMY. But that’s being cruel to some animals like cows that never hurt anybody. (pause) I’d let cows in too.

BILL. OK, if you want cows you can have cows. But no mosquitoes. I vote against mosquitoes.

AMY. All right, mosquitoes are out. Except maybe for hell. Maybe they are plentiful in hell and pester the people there. That would be fair enough, I think.

BILL. How about the cave men who lived a million years ago. Didn’t they go to heaven, too?

AMY. I don’t know or care. Who cares?

BILL. I think they care. Just because they are cave men doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t get a ticket to heaven just like anybody else.

AMY. Well, then how about chimps and gorillas and turtles and ants and like that? Are you going to allow them in too?

BILL. If you have dogs and cats then why not gorillas too?

AMY. I suppose you’d allow dinosaurs in too, then!

BILL. I think they should have their own heaven, but far away from ours. They wouldn’t mix well with humans.

AMY. How do you know? They might be really nice and gentle and friendly like a dog.

BILL. Don’t count on it.

AMY. Now I’m confused. (pause) If we have a heaven for humans and other animals, there is no end to it. All animals deserve their own heaven but that’s a stretch. Even allowing cave men types in, would be pretty strange. (pause) I say just limit it to us and kick all the rest out.

BILL. Maybe we could limit it to those who pass a test of some kind, such as intelligence or reasoning.

AMY. I know that dogs reason; therefore we can’t keep them out. I want my dog in, anyway. You’d have to test for something else.

BILL. Then we’d test for sentience. That would be the test.

AMY. All right. But what is sentience? Somebody who can write a sentence?

BILL. I think it means somebody who can think complicated things. Like math.

AMY. I doubt the cave men did much math. That would leave them out, which doesn’t sound right.

BILL. All right, then. Sentience means people things, not animal things.

AMY. OK. We allow in only people. But what about my poodle? I miss him! (pause) I miss my good old Rascal. (sniff)

BILL. We’ll let him in for a while if you want. But no gorillas.

AMY. I just had a thought about the cave man. At some point they were probably allowed in as humans.

BILL. Sure.

AMY. Then when did that first happen? Who was the first cave man to get in? Adam?

BILL. I think it was before that, Adam was pretty well developed, not a cave man type.

AMY. There must have been a first, a first one to qualify and get in there.

BILL. Probably so. Somebody had to be first.

AMY. But when he got there, being first, he would have been alone, and heaven would have been empty! Alone!

BILL. Never thought of that. Empty! Well, what’s wrong with that? For a while he had the run of the place and wasn’t bugged by relatives or people he owed money to. That would be heaven all right!

AMY. But so lonely! Wait, I know! The cave man had a dog and the dog was there, too. So all’s well. He wouldn’t have been lonely. But I miss my poodle (sniff). Good old Rascal!

BILL. If you’re going to think about the first person in heaven, how about the aliens that live on other planets and maybe they look like spiders or giant ANTS. And if they’re as smart as humans then they would go to heaven too. How about that?

AMY. I say they have no place in our heaven. (pause) They’ve got to have their own place, their own heaven, which needs to be separate. And far away, I hope.

BILL. Then there needs to be many heavens. One for us, one for aliens, and maybe one for each species of animals. Good Heavens!! That’s a lot of heavens!

AMY. I’m sure there’s enough room for them all. But I miss my poodle! (Pause 2 seconds) (sniff, wipes a tear.) (Pause 4 seconds).

All right. Let’s go get something to eat.

BILL. Good idea. Let’s go, and forget all this ridiculous talk about gorillas and aliens in heaven.

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