Numb
Toy Davis
Jamie stood at the counter oblivious to her world. The customers came and went, never making a permitted impression on her. Large popcorn, small nacho; they all wanted the same.
In her mind dark thoughts painted with pain and longing kept her immune to anything anyone would say. She watched their mouths move, not caring for the words. Interesting is all she would think as she watched their lips push out and then pull back.
Weird. Her brows frowned. Do mine do that? She wanted to see, but she was already considered strange. Best for her not to do anything to make her co-workers think she was crazy.
Her body felt numb as she waited for the beat of her heart. It didn’t come. I’m already dead, she mentally sighed, secure in the truth of the words. Standing in her spot she hid within herself, not wanting much but for the pain to end. The sky softened to velvet and she finally got to go.
But where? she wondered as she walked to her car. Keys in hand she honestly didn’t know. Her stuff was scattered. She had no place to call home. Her men used her and her family smiled as they let her go.
I don’t want to be here, she realized as the houses went by her window. It was all fake. The world was fake. None of it mattered except for the life in the trees and the blood in the veins. But even that would pass. Her flesh felt cold.
She parked in her parents’ driveway. Inside her mother slept, like always. She had given up on the world long ago, but not before it stole the strength she needed to finish the job. Jamie had the strength. She knew this world was bullshit. Filled with nothing more than lies and tears, and at nineteen she had seen more than her share of both.
She smiled at her cats as she walked to her room. She wanted to touch them, feel their soft fur one last time. But she wouldn’t. Her fingers were numb like the rest of her. The thought of not being able to feel the few little beings who truly loved her was almost too much for her to take, so she decided not to think about it.
In her room, beneath her pillow, laid her savior. She had thought about this night for days, mentally preparing for the quick sting ahead. She didn’t believe she would really do it. But after witnessing the mindless use of her body by others, and the neglect of her heart and mind she knew she couldn’t stay in a world so cold. It was her choice, and she was making it.
One last shower and one last change, she was ready. The cold steel didn’t penetrate the lonely cape she had wrapped around herself years ago. The red was beautiful against her creamy skin. A slight smile crossed her lips as she laid down to rest. Her soul was tired. The relaxing, forgiving music that was sleep filled her.
How much as she suffered at others’ hands? How many fights had she gone through that weren’t her own? Too many, too much. This was her own. It was her choice and her doing. She left no note to explain. Why should she? No one had ever explained to her.
The beautiful music filling her soothed her mind as it healed her wounds. Yes, she had made the right choice. She was sure of it as she faded into the blackness filling her.
The blood soaking into her bed and sheets never bothered her as she mentally whispered her final goodbye to the world. The world that didn’t care for the ones that lived in it. It couldn’t, and if it couldn’t then how could we?
