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Ms. Mulette

Dana Blake

    Hello. My name is Ms. Mulette. I am the youth coordinator for my local Community Church. It’s a job I love. I consequently know everything that there is to know about all the people happenings at my church. Believe me, it’s a good church. But religion isn’t what I want to talk to you about today. No, I would like to talk to you about my all-time favorite topic of conversation: FEMINISM!!!
    I believe woman should be strong and bold, for this is a woman’s place, but not to strong and bold. A woman should be assertive but not in a mean way, dominant but only when called for, and a luxuriously good provider of talk, for woman talk more than men. Oh no... what did I say? Did I say woman talk more than men? But why would I say that? I don’t want to fortify a negative stereotype of woman; that is uncalled for. Oh fiddlestick... I suppose I am struggling to relate to you a woman’s place in relation to a man’s. I will just have to tell you a story if you please...
    First of all, my name. My name, as I have said, is Ms. Mulette. Why is this my name, you ask? What does it mean? I am called Ms. Mulette because every time I go to church meeting I wear a sign on my back that says “Kick Me.” Why do I do this, you ask? Why... It’s because my name is Ms. Mulette. Like a mule I like to be kicked. I am a kick-able woman; However, if you kick me I may not move quickly. It all depends. My woman’s intuition tells me when to move quickly, and precisely how quickly.
    Now, I know the question you all have for me. You may ask, how attractive am I? Well, quite frankly, sex and feminism hold nothing in common in my line of thinking. I’m Ms. Mulette and that’s that. Take me for what I am worth; this is what I say. I neither pretend to be quite sexy nor do I expect such wiley-niley praise from fair members of the opposite sex. Just the same, I know how to curve a serious silhouette and I know enough not to abuse the privilege of eating a ham sandwich on rye with mayonnaise and extra pickles. In other words, I am a woman’s woman, not a man’s woman. Besides, money buys beauty.

    Now, to get more to the point of my narrative here. What distinguishes a woman? I’m getting to that part, you fool. Ms. Mulette does not like to move too fast.

    One of the things we do regularly here at my Community Church is play games. These are not athletic games. These are social games. They are meant to develop comradeship and trust among the participants. They are not cool. They are not fashionable. I am speaking of the games, that is, not the participants. The participants are very cool because they willingly go along with the purpose of the games. They understand.

    My favorite game is called bunny-hopper. It’s a lot like musical chairs. What you do in bunny-hopper is you arrange the chairs in a circle with the chairs face in, not face out. Usually there are about ten or fifteen participants. You direct the people to sit around the circle in the chairs, I which I can do because I am a woman who understands. Then you take a lard, or a nerdy fellow, and have him stand in the middle of the circle. You tease the lard. You tell him all he has to do is sit down in the open chair. Then when the lard, or nerdy fellow, is about to sit down you direct the participants to move over one chair to the right, or to “hop” over one chair. Then the lard has to sit down in the available open seat. The problem is the next person hops over. Then the next, then the next person, and so on so the open chair moves around the circle. With a little luck and persistence you can get the lardy-nerdy running around and around in a circle.

    I should explain Bunny-Hopper is a hazing game and it is played to develop trust in a fellowship. It is not a sport. You have to know when to trim the mustard and when to add chili sauce. You have to be gentle and firm at the same time or else it won’t work out. As I said, it’s not a sport. When a nimble and agile athlete I placed in the center of the circle he or she won’t have any problems finding the available chair. Only the nerdy-lards do.
    Now, you may ask, what is the most important ingredient that makes the game come together? It’s the touch... or a woman’s touch. And where do you suppose that touch came from? Why, of course, it came from me! I am a woman. I am a no willy-nilly allowed woman. And this is what I wanted to explain to you.

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