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This writing was accepted for publication in the 84 page perfect-bound issue... Down in the Dirt magazine (v112) (the November 2012 Issue) You can also order this 5.5" x 8.5" issue as an ISSN# paperback book:

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I have murdered Nute Grinch

Fritz Hamilton

    “I have murdered Nute Grinch in the gutter.”
    “Why, Fred?” says Sedjwick the monk.
    “So he’ll never run again.”
    “Most dead men don’t.”
    “I mean for office.”
    “I didn’t know Nute had an office.”
    “I mean for public office, like president or street cleaner.”
    “Nute is too dirty to clean the street.”
    “But not too dirty to be president, Sedjwick.”
    “You aren’t very clean yourself, Fred.”
    A pteradactyl flies overhead & shits on Fred. Rainmaker Rufus clings to the pteradactyl’s tail & pours on Fred washing him clean. I thank Rufus because I am Fred. I am now wet & find the world cold & miserable, though I wish the pteradactyl would go extinct & shit in an earlear period.
    An allosaurus trots on by & bites off my head.
    Sedjwick says, “Wow, that was close!”
    “Close for you,” my head says rolling in the street, “but right on for me. The allosaurus bit off my head.”
    “That’s the way an allosaurus operates.”
    “Well, I wish he’d operate on someone else, Dr Kildare.”
    “Be patient, Fred.”
    “But not the allosaurus’ patient, thanks.”
    “You’ve lost your head, Fred.”
    “I’d still like to shoulder the burden.”
    “ But you’re still a pain in the neck.”
    A B-29 flies over us & bombs Sedjwick, nuclearizing him & blasting our friendship to smitheroonies. It gives me a headache, but my body runs away through monkeyshines. Next time I’ll run for president, if I have the head for it.

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