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An Honest Cop

P. Keith Boran

I
    It had been a horrible Tuesday anyway. Cloudy, rainy, and a little cool for casual outings, the weather must have left the three men with nothing to do. They huddled together, and drank some beer as they popped some old precription pills they’d found upstairs. Eventually, as the day wore on, the pills disappeared, leaving one with a thought. “You know, we should rob a bank. Grab a little cash for another little stash.” And the other two, feeling restless, invincible, addicted, replied in the affirmative. “Okay,” they said together, “why not?”

II
    Jake got into his car. He looked around, and seeing no one, he discreetly opened his glove compartment. Reaching in, he opened a bottle of pills and swallowed one quickly. “All better,” he said, “Now I can focus on what matters most.” He waited a few moments, letting the pill work its magic. Then, Jake opened his notebook and reviewed what each hostage had said as his mouth contorted into a crooked smile.

III
    The three barged into the bank a little after 2 p.m. The last one watched the door, while the first yelled, “this here is a stick up!” The second held his pistol high, firing a round to get the attention of the rift raft patronizing the bank. They all had on silly animal masks, ones that kids wear for Halloween. And due to the cheapness of the rubber, as well as the awkward sizing of the masks, it was hard for the three to see clearly while wearing them.
    The first, who was wearing a monkey mask, began to whoop and hollar as he jumped from teller to teller demanding the cash. The second, who was wearing an elephant mask, began to laugh, yelling, “You tell them, Curious George, you tell them who’s boss now!” But the third, who was wearing a lion’s mask, just stared at the whole thing, as though he were just biding time.

IV
    Jake took another look around before reaching into his glove compartment again. He removed an large vanilla folder, one that he had sealed earlier. Opening it, Jake took a deep breath as he sniffed the contents inside. “Not too bad,” he whispered, “for an honest cop.”

V
    To the three, the robbery seemed to be going just fine. That is, until one of the hostages stood up. He was wearing faded jeans, an old white t-shirt, and a faded army surplus jacket. His hair was long, as was his beard, and he appeared to be homeless. “You know,” the stranger said loudly, “I really think you should shoot me now, and elevate this here robbery to murder if you please. You see, sirs, I’m not happy with my lot in life at the moment, and I’d like to try my luck elsewhere.”
    At this, the monkey stopped jumping and looked behind him. He cocked his head slightly, trying to decide what to make of the hostage’s request. But the elephant had already made a decision. He strolled up to the hostage, and shot him point blank. The man was pushed backwards as he fell to the ground, landing into a heap of others’ arms and legs. Everyone began to panic. The elephant laughed, yelling, “You’re welcome!” “Hey,” the monkey said, “nice shot, Mr. Elephant man.” He then began to whoop and hollar towards the final teller. But the monkey stopped when he heard another shot.

VI
    “Oh, I know,” Jake said, “I guess I could get a new car, a faster one, one guaranteed to attract the ladies with big curves and small brains.” He laughed as he reached into the envelope, and felt the cash run through his fingers.

VII
    The shot hadn’t come from the elephant, but from the lion. He had used the distraction to point his firearm at the others. The lion fell forward, falling to the floor to take cover. The elephant turned to fire, but it was too late, for the lion had rolled over fast, and had already taken his shot, striking the elephant in the chest. The monkey tried to run, for he’d only had fun when there was no real opposition to their plan. But it was no use. The lion waited for the monkey to reach the door before he fired, striking the monkey’s head, and spraying a healthy bit of blood onto the door as the monkey fell into it and slid slowly to the ground.
After all of this, the lion gingerly giggled as he got up from the floor. He briskly walked past the monkey, bending down to grab the money as he strolled out of the bank and disappeared. That’s when someone called the police, and Jake happened to be nearby. After reviewing the bank’s security tapes, he was a smidge proud of his day’s work. “Didn’t you get a look at the guy,” he asked each witness, “You know, the one that shot both thieves?” But no one seemed to know what he was talking about. “He was wearing a mask,” they’d respond, or “we didn’t get a good look at him,” or “it all happened so fast,” leaving the detective little physical evidence to go on. And without a good collaborating description of the suspect, Jake decided it was a waste of time. So, he took a break.

VIII
    Tired and hungry, a homeless man stood beside a busy roadway with a sign. He was begging for people’s spare change, when out of nowhere, a man suddenly appeared behind him. “Hey pal,” the man said, “how would you like a little job, one that pays?” The homeless man smiled. “Will you buy me something to eat,” he asked. “Sure,” the man replied. And as the homeless fellow ate, the man described an elaborate prank he’d planned for his friend. “You see,” the man continued, “we’ll be wearing these animal masks, and pretend to be robbing my friend’s bank, but it’s just a joke, you see. It’s for his birthday.”
    “Sure,” the homeless man replied, “what do you need me to do?” The man smiled. “Well, it’s quite simple, really,” he said, “I just need you to stand up and ask to be shot, that’s all.” The homeless man’s face contorted in horror. The man laughed. “Relax, pal,” he said as he reached into his pocket, “I’m a cop.” He showed the man his badge. “See, it’s just a joke. No one will get hurt. I can promise you that,” Jake told him. And with that, the homeless smiled as he finished his meal.

IX
    “Hey, Jake,” a patrolman yelled, “What are you doing out here?” Jake smiled as he placed the money back into his glove compartment and locked it. “Just reviewing the eyewitness testimony, kid,” Jake replied as he got out of his car. “Sounds like they didn’t see much,” the patrolman said, “think you’ll solve it?” Jake smiled as he slapped the patrolman on the back. “Well, kid,” he replied, “it’ll be tough, but I’m sure going to give it my all. I can promise you that.”



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