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The Vacation

John Ragusa

    Percy Heller was married to a shrew. Margaret griped night and day about everything under the sun. She never let Percy have any relaxation. The poor man was a nervous wreck; he prayed that he could get some relief from his wife’s nagging.
    Her complaints were meant to make him feel as worthless as counterfeit money. She had so many insults that he couldn’t help but feel like a failure.
    His friends told him to take up for himself. They said if he stood up to Margaret, she’d stop berating him. But Percy knew that standing up to her would only make her worse. She wouldn’t take any backtalk from him. She was the boss in their marriage; Percy had to do exactly what she told him to do.
    Percy tried to drink his troubles away. Sometimes he’d go to bars just to get away from Margaret. He would sit there with his beer and enjoy her absence. He wished he were a bachelor again. He’d have the serenity he longed for. But it was too late for that.
    “When are you going to clean out the garage?” Margaret asked him once. “I’m tired of telling you to do it.”
    “And I’m tired of you complaining about it,” Percy said.
    “Well, you’d never do anything if I didn’t pressure you.”
    “Why can’t you just leave me alone?”
    “Because I have to remind you to do things. You’re always forgetting your responsibilities.”
    “I always do things to please you, but they never work. I could shower you with gifts, but it still wouldn’t be enough. You’d keep complaining about something.”
    But it was useless to try and talk sense into Margaret; she was as stubborn as she was grating. If Percy could shut her up somehow, then he would have comfort. However, nothing could stop her bitching.
    He wished that her mother Grace would get ill and need to have Margaret go to her house and look after her a few weeks. He’d get a respite from Margaret’s yelling and griping for a while. It would be like spending time in heaven. He’d get some wonderful silence.
    Percy would be ecstatic if Margaret lost her voice, if only temporarily. He’d be spared the horrendous sound of her vocals. That would be a real treat. He said a prayer that it would happen.
    She never stopped for breath. She resembled a broken phonograph needle. How on earth did he ever get himself into such a mess?
    Percy looked for excuses to leave the house. He said he had to go bowling on some nights. He would bowl with his buddies, and it was nicely diverting.
    He considered divorcing Margaret, but he didn’t want to pay alimony, so he’d have to stay married to her. He was stuck in a miserable marriage. What a revolting development!
    Percy hoped that something would happen to get Margaret out of his hair. Then Margaret herself came up with a solution.
    “It sure would be nice if we could go on a vacation somewhere,” she said one day. “We could fly to a great country.”
    “We’ll do that real soon,” Percy promised.
    “I want to see other places. I’m bored staying in this house.”
    “I’ll travel with you someday. You’ll get to visit another land.”
    “When will you do that?”
    “I promise we’ll do it shortly.”
    “I won’t hold my breath.”
    “When I get the money, I’ll take us to a foreign nation.”
    “Why can’t we do that now?”
    “As I told you, I can’t afford it right now.”
    “Oh, you’re such a tightwad!” Margaret said.
    “I’m simply not wealthy enough to take you on a trip,” Percy said.
    Margaret pouted for a long time, but Percy held his ground. He wasn’t going to let her have her way.

    The next morning, Percy saw an advertisement in the newspaper. A travel agency was offering a discount on a rocket trip to a distant planet. Percy figured that this would make the perfect vacation for Margaret. She’d enjoy going into outer space.
    “You should take this journey,” he said to Margaret. “You’d have the thrill of a lifetime.”
    “Don’t you want to go with me?”
    “That’s impossible, dear. I can only afford to send one of us on the trip, and I think you’d enjoy it more than me.”
    “That’s very thoughtful of you, Percy. I’ll go there alone, then.”
    The following week, Margaret took off for the planet in the rocket ship. Percy smiled as he watched the missile fly away on TV. He would have a month of peace and quiet.
    A week later, Percy read a news story about a meteor heading toward a planet that was currently a vacation spot. When it would strike the planet, everyone on it would be killed in a fiery explosion.
    Percy couldn’t believe his luck. Now he would have a lifetime of peace and quiet.

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