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The U.S. Constitution: Twenty-First Century Edition

Michael Ceraolo

Preamble

WE THE CORPORATIONS OF THE UNITED STATES,
in Order to form more perfect markets,
establish Capital,
insure a tranquil workforce,
provide for the defense of our Property,
promote our general (and specific) Welfare,
and secure the Blessings of Profitability
to Ourselves and Our Posterity,
do ordain
and establish this Constitution
for the United States of America

Article I
Section 1:

All legislative powers herein granted
(by us)
shall be vested in a Congress of the United States,
which shall consist of a Senate and a House of Representatives

Section 2:

The House of Representatives
shall be composed of members
chosen every second year by
the people of the several states,
and no person shall be a representative
who is not, in the main,
acceptable to Us

Section 3:

The Senate of the United States
shall be chosen in the same manner,
and with the same qualifications as the House
(except that they be even wealthier),
except that they be chosen every six years

Section 4:

The time, place, and manner
of holding elections for senators and representatives
shall be prescribed for days and times
so as to bring out the smallest possible turnout,
the least number of voters to be considered legitimate,
and necessary to maintain credibility,
and shall never constitute a legal holiday
or a paid day away for Our workers

Section 5:

Each House shall be the judge
of the qualifications of its members,
thus providing a final line of defense
should someone not meeting Section 2 above
slip through inadvertently
Each House shall keep a journal of its proceedings,
and will further televise these proceedings
for interested spectators, if any,
and its members retain the right to insert into said journals
tributes to us at any time

Section 6:

The senators and representatives shall receive
a compensation for their services,
the amount to be ascertained by laws made by them
(though an intervening election must take place,
an election in which ninety-eight percent of those who wish to be
will be re-elected),
and they will be further compensated by generous gifts
and campaign contributions from Us

Section 7:

All bills for raising revenue
will be on terms favorable to Us,
and will be written by Our lobbyists
and transmitted to both Houses by them

Section 8:

The Congress shall have the power:

to establish uniform laws on the subject of bankruptcies
to the benefit of creditors;

to constitute tribunals inferior to the Supreme court,
should such a thing prove possible;

to declare war in one out of a hundred cases
troops are used in that manner;

to permit piracies and felonies committed by Us
on the stock exchanges and financial markets;

to provide the military forces required
by the National Security State
to protect and expand Our markets;

to exercise exclusive authority over the District
that is the seat of the government of the United States,
and to deny the permanent residents of that seat
any of the rights of citizenship,
while imposing on said residents the responsibilities of same

Section 9:

The privilege of the writ of habeas corpus
shall be suspended when politics requires

Section 10:

No State shall pass any law
impairing the obligation of contracts;
only the drafters of contracts
can ignore their obligations with impunity

Article II
Section 1:

The person have a majority of the appointed electors
shall be declared President,
in order to forestall the possibility of democracy

The President shall, at stated times,
receive for his services a compensation,
which shall neither be increased nor diminished
during the period for which he or she shall have been elected,
and any financial holdings he or she has
shall be placed in an allegedly blind trust
for the duration of the President’s service

Section 2:

The President shall have the power to make treaties
to be ratified by two-thirds of the Senate
before all concerned ignore their provisions,
and such treaties need not even go through
the process of ratification before
all concerned begin ignoring them

Section 3:

The President shall from time to time
give to the Congress information
of the state of the Union
in an address televised to the nation;
such address is to be interrupted after every sentence
with insincere and unwarranted applause;
and may on occasion be interrupted
with equally unwarranted heckling

Article III
Section 1:

The judicial power of the United States
shall be vested in one Supreme court,
and in other inferior courts should
the establishment of inferior courts prove possible

Section 2:

The trial of all crimes shall be by jury,
except where a judge ignores the jury’s verdict

Article IV
Section 1:

Full faith and credit shall be given in each state
to the public acts, records, and
judicial proceedings of every other State,
except where such conflict with the second State’s prejudices;
then they may be safely ignored

Section 2:

The United States shall guarantee
to every State in this Union
a republican form of government
in style if not in substance

Article V

A convention for proposing amendments,
though theoretically possible,
shall never be convened because of a fear
of the People

Article VI

No religious test shall ever be required
as a qualification to any office or public trust
under the United States,
except that all candidates shall profess
in some manner, no matter how dishonestly,
some religion

Selected Amendments:

Article I

Congress shall make laws
respecting the establishment of religion,
prohibiting the free exercise thereof,
abridging the freedom of speech and press,
restricting the right of the people
to peaceably assemble,
and restricting the right to petition the government
for a redress of grievances

Article IV

The right of the people to be secure
in their persons, houses, papers, and effects,
against unreasonable searches and seizures,
shall no longer exist, in the name of security

Article V

Persons shall be subject for the same offense
to be twice put in jeopardy by means
of a civil trial after a criminal one has failed;
shall be compelled to be witnesses against themselves
in criminal investigations;
and can even be deprived of liberty, or property,
without due process of law

Article VI

In all criminal prosecutions,
the accused shall have the right
to have the assistance of counsel,
no matter how ineffective,
and such ineffectiveness shall not constitute
grounds for appeal

Article X

The powers not delegated to the United States
by the Corporation, nor prohibited by it to the States,
are reserved to the Corporation

Article XIII

Involuntary servitude,
whether in the military or some other form
of compulsory public service,
shall exist at all levels of government

Article XIV

All Corporations are citizens of the United States
and of the State where they are chartered,
and of every State where they do business

Article XV

The right of citizens of the United States to vote
shall be denied or abridged by any jurisdiction
by a wide variety of means

Articles XIX and XXVI

The principle enumerated in Article XV
shall now also apply to women
and eighteen-to-twenty year-olds,
respectively

Article XXII

The top puppet
will now be limited
to a maximum of two terms

Article XXIII

The residents of the nation’s capital
will now be permitted to vote
for Electors for President and Vice-President
but will continue to have no voting representation
in either legislative body

Article XXIV

The poll tax is now prohibited
as a means of disenfranchisement;
all other means of such remain

Article XXV

Should the top Puppet
become temporarily or permanently incapacitated,
and the spouse and staff choose to make this known,
the Vice-Puppet will assume the duties of the office

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