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The Quantum Domesticator

Brian Sullivan

    Andy awoke at about midnight to go to the bathroom, and with some surprise, noticed that his beloved Daphne wasn’t next to him. He arose and leaving the bedroom saw Daphne in her nightgown tentatively walking through the living room, seemingly on her way to the front door. With the haze of sleep still occupying his mind, he called to her, but she didn’t answer. He walked to her and asked her what she was doing, but again she didn’t answer. Her eyes were glazed and fixed on the door giving her the appearance of being in a trance. Andy, with growing fright and the haze of sleep rapidly leaving him, took her arm gently and again asked her what she was doing. There was no reply. He deduced that she was walking in her sleep, and so he put his arm around her shoulders and without waking her, led her back to bed.
    They had been married for almost a year and among all their good fortunes they were able to purchase a cottage on Good Meadow Lane. Though small, it was in perfect condition and displayed all the charms of a small Victorian cottage, and the small yard was surrounded by a white picket fence, which adjoined a meadow lush with wild flowers, colorful birds, and evening fireflies. It was, for them, perfect; cozy and warm and a wonderful home in which to nurture their love for each other and grow as a young couple into the uniting bonds of commitment and matrimony.
    Andy’s love for Daphne was unequaled in the eons. Long before their wedding, he determined that he would do everything in the world that he could to make her happy. Not a moment would pass that he wouldn’t do something for her; he would buy her flowers, tell her a joke, shower her with compliments and affections; there was no end to his devotion. It was more than joy to see her smile, to see her glance at him at an un-expecting moment, to hear her voice, to hear her call his name. His very soul was full of her; her wishes were his goals in life, and it gave him great satisfaction and fulfillment to make her happy.
    As time had passed since they purchased the cottage, little details began to require attention. Andy tended to notice the larger details, such as the gutter was clogging and wasn’t draining properly, or a base board heater needed painting, and he would tend to them promptly. Daphne, spending more time in the house, would notice the larger problems and also many of the smaller problems; problems that if they weren’t tended to soon, would become big problems. Andy was happy to make the repairs as it gave him satisfaction as a home owner to keep his property looking good, and it also made Daphne happy and proud to live there.
    As time progressed, some of the smaller problems grew. Andy, maintaining his career, working on community projects, and occasionally attending a ball game with his friends, could barely keep up with the maintenance. He tended to focus on the larger repairs, while the smaller repairs lingered, sometimes until they became big repairs. To help Andy organize his increasing number of repairs, Daphne began to write them on paper, making a list and organizing them in priority. They reviewed the list together and Andy would then work on the list while Daphne worked on her separate list of domestic chores. The list was quite helpful.
    Once on a Saturday morning, when working on the third item of a list, Andy saw Daphne looking at him; she was beaming from ear to ear, looking happier than ever before. Andy couldn’t get over how happy she looked. It was as though she had just discovered the stars in the sky, the flowers on the earth, and the balmy breezes of the sea. She couldn’t have been happier. Andy determined to increase his pace of work and to complete all of the chores on the list. He worked all day and into the evening, missing the first game of a Red Sox – Yankees series on TV, completing the list for his wife, who, it seemed couldn’t possibly be happier. Before retiring for the evening they reviewed a list of five chores for the following day and prioritized them, having two priority 1s, two priority 2s, and one priority 3. The rest of the evening passed in joyous bliss in the little cottage on Good Meadow Lane.
    In the morning, Andy awoke and groggy-eyed went to the kitchen to make coffee. While the coffee was brewing, he looked at the list, and to his surprise, he found that the list had doubled in size; there were now ten items on the list, neatly prioritized. He didn’t know when she could have added the items to the list, unless she did it during the middle of the night. He skipped his coffee and started working on the list, thinking of how happy it would make Daphne.
    Early in the afternoon, working on the last chore of repairing a cracked picket on the fence, Andy went to the hardware to buy some nails. When he returned, he went to the kitchen and noticed that the list had grown once again, now having twenty items. He was surprised, but estimated that he could fix the fence and complete the list, but would need to miss the first game today’s twi-night double-header. Not yet weary, he thought of Daphne and how she smiled at him, and set out to complete the list.
    As time went on, Andy no longer needed to think of items to add to the list as Daphne seemed to be gifted in listing all of the domestic items that needed Andy’s attention. He marveled at how she could think of so many thing for him to do and how happy it made her when she saw him at his tasks, and equally how happy it made him to see her so happy. He marveled too, that after so much toil that the house could not yet be in perfect condition, but it was obvious to him that is was not, as Daphne continued to create lists of items that did, in fact, need attention.
    Time passed blissfully through the summer lists and as autumn arrived, so did new lists of priority 1s. Andy always thought of Daphne and her extraordinary, joyous, radiant smile, and only occasionally thought of the baseball and football games he had missed, but he was as happy as a man could be.
    One night, a week into October, having retired for the evening several hours ago, Andy awoke and noticed that Daphne wasn’t next to him. Remembering her sleep walking during the past summer, he jumped up and called her name; but there was no answer. In his boxer shorts, he ran down stairs and saw her in her night gown walking through the living room, approaching the front door, in the trance that he had witnessed once before. He started to call her name again, he decided that it might startle her, so he said nothing. As she walked to the front door with a fixation, Andy decided to let her open the door to see where she might go, and he trailed behind her closely so that if she tripped, he could catch her before she hurt herself. She opened the door and walked fixedly over the walkway, through the fence gate and turned left. She walked along the sidewalk in her trance-like state, past three houses and turned onto Main street. Andy, still in his boxers, walked closely behind her, hoping no one would see him or her in the midst of their eerie midnight walk. As they walked passed two houses, Andy, looking into the darkness saw more women in their nightgowns, transfixed on the front door of the Muldoon’s house. He noticed that these were all the wives of the neighborhood, entering the house in a dreamy state. He saw Mrs. Pickering, the doctor’s wife, and Mrs. Burns, the vicar’s wife, and Mrs. Rabito, the butcher’s wife, and Mrs. Cone, the town drunk’s wife, and Maddy, his best friend’s wife, all filing through the front door. Andy was stunned. “What is going on here?” he thought. Being only in his boxers, he let his wife proceed on her own in the company of the women of the town.
    Stealthy he darted to a basement window radiating an enormous amount of light onto the yard. He looked in and his eyes beheld a sight that his imagination could never envision. He gave himself a pinch to check his awakeness. He decided to pinch himself so hard that it gave him a bruise, which would serve as proof on the following day that he had not been dreaming. He looked, and forced a hard blink to be sure his eyes were clear. He saw rows and rows of computers, each having a label such as Sydney, London, Moscow, Singapore, Lima, Bangladesh, Stockholm, and even Honolulu. He stared closely at the text scrolling on their monitors. He saw what appeared to be lists. He pressed his forehead onto the basement window and squinted with all his might to read the text. He couldn’t believe his eyes. He read from the Edinburgh machine:

• Fix the leaking faucet
• Fix the squeaking door
• Spray for ants
• Take out the trash
• Rake the leaves
• Wash the outside windows
• Wash the inside windows
• Wash the baseboards
• Wash the car
• Mow the lawn
• Trim the hedges
• Remove the lawn thatch
• Give the dog a bath
• ...


    The list went on and on and on and scrolled down the screen faster than he could read.
    There were more than one hundred computers and miles of cable that lead to a gigantic state-of-the-art quantum computer labeled the Quantum Domesticator and a high-speed printer located near the basement door. The wives filed down the basement staircase and one-after-another took almost a ream of paper printed with lists and exited through the door to the back yard, where they briefly, and while still in a trance, waved their lists in the air and smiled broadly at each other, as though this were the final accent to a pagan ritual, and then left.
    Andy was stunned. He couldn’t reconcile what he just saw. Daphne exited through the basement door, smiled joyously and returned home. Andy followed her, scratching his head all the way. When Daphne entered the house, she went to the kitchen table, added ten items to the list, returned to bed, and slept soundly.
    When morning arrived, Andy phoned his best friend and described the midnight scene he had witnessed, as well as the protracted list of chores on the kitchen table and the sore, sore bruise on his arm. His friend listened closely and told him with little diplomacy that he was nuts, but could talk no longer as he was too busy with chores and wanted to get everything done before the football game on TV tonight.
    Andy picked up the list and went to work on it right away. He decided to work extra hard today and to focus intensely on the tasks so he wouldn’t think too much or at all about the events of the previous night.
    Not long into his first chore, Daphne glanced at him and displayed her biggest smile ever. Andy, while vigorously scratching his head, displayed a large almost nervous smile as well, as he couldn’t overcome the potency of her smile.
    In the blink of an eye, babies arrived, as such smiling is apt to produce, and Daphne’s list spawned little lists that grew into reams. There were diapers to change, bottles to wash, wheels to fix, bicycles to build, bats to tape. And so they happily lived by the meadow for ever more, though Andy continued to scratch his head on into eternity.



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