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The Kind of Mother that Believed in Evolution

Brittany Clark

Charlotte Johnson was the kind of mother that believed in evolution. Not the scientific kind, but the social kind. The day she became this kind of mother can be pinpointed down to her first daughter’s thirteenth birthday when she came downstairs and claimed she wanted all black clothing. Charlotte read parenting books of all kinds. She read books that said anything against “normality” was evil, and she read books that claimed the reason we have no revolutionary thinkers in our society is because we are all so suppressed. She wasn’t quite sure which she believed until this moment, and this moment was the moment she decided she would be the kind of mother who evolved with her daughter. She called it Evolutionary Parenting, and she even wrote a book on it, detailing (or embellishing) her own experiences to fit the range of every other parent out there. Charlotte Johnson had a knack for bullshitting. The book became a bestseller after a year. They called her the Revolutionary, Evolutionary Parent, and there were T-shirts, a sitcom show, and, per Charlotte’s urging, action figures. Charlotte Johnson got pregnant in order to get more material. Then she got pregnant again. When her husband left her, claiming fame ruined their marriage, she bought sperm online and got pregnant again. There were always new things to learn with each child. There was always different material and more ways to evolve. That is, until Charlotte’s eggs ran out and people suddenly found her work incredible and not based on fact. She kicked off a new series entitled Evolutionary Grand-parenting, but it was beat out by a new revolutionary thinker who looked at parenting as an algebraic equation: Quadratic Parenting. When asked in her last interview if she planned on pursuing more research, Charlotte responded, “I’ve done all I can do for my art. I’ve sacrificed my body and my life for the rest of you. Now it’s time for myself.”

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